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Published Friday, June 20, 2003 by XY | E-mail this post

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GOING HOME... SOON
Less than a month. I can hardly wait. And yet the truth is, a big part of me wants to stay. But leaving has always been that way. It is never completely a happy event. Even if I am going back home.

But where is home really?

I did have a home here. With MB. And yes, I considered walking away. Not just once. But no matter how bad it got, he is always still that person who is here for me... He is that someone whom I've been 'going home to'. And that always feels nice. To be going home somewhere. Specially, to be going home to someone. Because at the end of the day, no matter how unlonely we are, we long for those late night conversations, because what is the essence of living if we cannot really share it with others?

I have stopped my countdown to goodbye in my cube. Because looking at the numbers have made me feel happy then sad then happy then sad, alternately.

So now I choose to enjoy my remaining time here. Well, of course, I need to complete my experiment, my baby project here, too, otherwise I can never forgive myself. As much as possible, I never want to leave things undone. Things are already going well. And I'm happy.

I wish I can say the same for me and MB. I hope we can come to a conclusion as well. Whatever it may be. I still care for him very much. In spite of everything that happened. But where do we go from here?

Ah. Leaving always makes me feel so pensive.

Sometimes I wish that I don't have to think or make decisions. That all I should care about are trivial things like my very early going away party this Friday, or pasalubong gifts I still need to buy.

But things do not quite work that way.





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