GOODBYE
For the longest time, this is what I've wanted to do.. To leave. Get out. Say goodbye. In my mind, that is the best thing to do. The right thing to do. But my heart is more stubborn than I thought. And I hate the way my heart is in so much pain right now because it refuses to understand and let go.

So I really am not ready yet. To say goodbye. But I will. I have to. Because I want my life back. I want to start over. Forget all the bad things. Move on. And I want to believe again that somewhere out there, there is someone who will love me completely, and will have so much passion for me now, as he will have 20 years from now. And I will love him completely, and I will have so much passion for him now, and will have the same passion 20 years from now. I want to feel the magic. The natural high of being with someone you can't do without. Someone who is as necessary as air and water. Someone who will treat me right. Someone I will love as greatly. Someone who will not ask me to love him more than I love myself, because he has enough love for himself. Someone who will be my partner. My lover. My friend. And we will love each other without end.

And maybe I'm naive to think such love exists. Because so far in this lifetime, I have failed to find such love. Somehow, the magic always fades.. The passion always dies... But, I will not give up on that belief that it does exist. Not just yet.. Somehow, I will find that kind of love that lasts forever...

I've said so many goodbyes than I care to count.. And now, I will say another one... To the man I thought was that ONE person I will spend the rest of my life with.. And maybe you're right.. Maybe one day, we will find each other again.. And maybe that love we are looking for was staring back at us all along... But in order for us to find that out, we have to say goodbye... I have to say goodbye. So that I can set your heart free.. and mine, too...

Goodbye, MB.

ON LETTING GO...
Sad, beautiful words...


letting go

Here's my last letter for you. I'm tired now... I'm tired of pushing myself to you. I'm tired of what you didn't do, or I didn't do. I'm tired of you not understanding the things i say to you, or not understanding you also. I just want a rest now. Maybe someday, I will find that love. The kind of love I'm looking for, it's not the perfect love but the love I want to feel... not just for a couple of years, but the love that will last forever. I don't want it just to come by. I will find that... I will find that love. Because I'm the kind of person that cannot live without love. I want to LOVE.

Now, I can just smile whenever you say that you want to leave me. I am ready. And I want to be ME again....

WHY???
"Why" - Avril Lavigne

Why, do you always do this to me?
Why, couldn't you just see through me?
How come, you act like this
Like you just don't care at all

Do you expect me to believe I was the only one to fall?
I could feel I could feel you near me, even though you're far away
I could feel I could feel you baby, why

It's not supposed to feel this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, do you think we could last forever?
Tell me, why

Hey, listen to what we're not saying
Let's play, a different game than what we're playing
Try, to look at me and really see my heart

Do you expect me to believe I'm gonna let us fall apart?
I could feel I could feel you near me, even when you're far away
I could feel I could feel you baby, why

It's not supposed to feel this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, you think we could last forever?
Tell me, why

So go and think about whatever you need to think about
Go ahead and dream about whatever you need to dream about
And come back to me when you know just how you feel, you feel
I could feel I could feel you near me, even though you're far away
I could feel I could feel you baby, why

It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me

It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, do you think we could last forever?
Tell me, why

TONIGHT, I SO BADLY NEED A HUG
It's been a pretty rough couple of days. And how I wish you were here...

My laptop has been down since Tuesday night. And I only got my service unit 30mins before end of day today. I practically depend on my laptop for all the work that I do, so you do the math.

My brother finally went back to Cebu last Wednesday. And today, I finally braved the streets of Manila. It didn't take long before I got used to the dog-eat-dog world out there, but it doesn't mean the day passed without mini-disasters.

First, just as I was exiting to Southwoods, a traffic officer stopped me. Apparently, a spotter flagged him via radio that I was passing from the middle lane. I mean, I was just changing lanes. What the heck are they talking about!! It was early morning, and I was already late as it is, and man, I didn't even understand my violation. After maybe 15mins of arguing with the officer, he finally let me go. Nakulitan siguro because I told him to explain to me pa what I did wrong.. Hehe.

Lunchtime, I decided to drop by the bank. I tried to open my car but lo and behold, the keyless thingie didn't beep. And it dawned on me, I had left the headlights on (AGAIN!) and my car battery got discharged (for the nth time!).

Finally, as I was going home to Q.C. tonight, from work, I got lost. It was bad enough that I had been stuck in traffic already due to moderate rain. I took a "short cut" I learned from my brother that would lead me to Sta. Mesa. However, I had taken a wrong turn and I somehow ended up in Mandaluyong (Shaw Blvd). I called up my bro and he told me to go back, but I couldn't since the bridge I had passed by was closed and I managed to end up in Kalentong instead! More traffic. And worse, my brother didn't know where I was. I finally decided to just follow one car, and miraculously, I was on my way home.. When I finally arrived in our apt., tears started falling. Gawd, I was so tired. Naawa ako sa sarili ko sobra. I had been driving from Cavite, braved the puddles of South SSHway, and finally got lost, and I just needed to let out all my frustrations.

And all I really want now is a hug.

IT'S A NICE SUNDAY MORNING

It's foreign on this side.
But it feels like I'm home again.
There's no place to hide,
But I don't think I'm scared. - This Side by Nickel Creek

Family gathered on a nice Sunday morning. Tocilog breakfast.

Last night was also fun. Met with old MBA classmates. It's been more than a year since I saw any of them.. We stayed at Greenbelt 2/3 area the whole night. Dinner at Kai, a Japanese resto. I like the ambiance.. very zen. But I think we tore the house down as we caught up with each other's lives.. We were laughing like we were the only 8 people there. Haha. I think they were glad we finally left. Food was ok. I ordered soft-shelled crab tempura. Pricey place but good for quiet dinners. We got dessert at Uva. I convinced them to try the chocnut ice cream I've heard so much about. It's called dirty ice cream pala. And they were happy. :)



We decided to walk off our dinner and dessert. People watched. Laughed. Temple bar was still deserted. Dropped by Aubar. Gawd we felt like grandparents. Too many teens. Finally sat down in Ice Vodka Bar. Too loud. Haha. We are all getting old.

We ended up in Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. Talked the night away. Just like old times. Yet, not really. Most of them are finishing school next term. And I'm still, well, light years away. I still don't know if I'll continue school. Probably. But I've decided not to make a decision today. I still have a month.

I'm listening to the almostkindaacoustic (a.k.a.) CD. Love it.

Yeah, all in all, it's a pretty nice Sunday.

BACK TO GOOD
I'm officially checking out from the Heartbreak Hotel and officially, well, staying happy. Because no matter how seemingly unfortunate I am when it comes to relationships, I have it good in most other things.

I'm now back to my "natural habitat" and somehow, found that formerly elusive resilience. And then of course, there's my family. Always ever there to bring a smile to my face. Specially our baby "Blobby" :)

As for work, my only two complaints are the long commute, and the fact that I have to wake up at 330AM in order to make it to the shuttle. And only now did I realize that it takes longer to go home to Q.C. from Makati, than my commute from Cavite to Makati. And the commute time grand total is .... tan ta ran nan.... 3.5hrs minimum, one-way!

I've almost forgotten how wonderful the dynamics is in our factory. Although the people I worked with in Oregon were fun, in a geeky sort of way, there is something about the camaraderie we have here, that makes working so much more bearable. And wow, a lot of people actually noticed I was gone. "Oi, kelan ka pa dumating??"... Yep, I certainly feel so welcomed and it definitely feels like home.

What's more, my managers have actually "forced" me to telecommute in Makati for three weeks till I fully recover from my surgery. Touched ako ha. Grabe :)

Speaking of my surgery, it has been more than a month since that fateful day. The scar is so visible still, and the infected portions are still a bit open. And I definitely still feel pain and discomfort. It's distracting and I can only hope for that day when I can finally go back to my normal routines. I wanna take up badminton again! Most specially, I don't ever wanna feel this sick and useless, ever again.

I have learned that no matter what pain or loss you experience, there is always, always a reason to be happy about. You just have to look around you and appreciate what you've got.

I AM SAD AND HEARTBROKEN BUT I HAVE TO STAY STRONG
My heart is in so much pain right now, it seems like it's about to burst. But as soon as the tears dried up, and the night passed, I saw a hint of the sun. And it dawned on me, I have to stop crying. I don't know if I can learn to not be sad. But I don't wanna shed any more tears.

And so instead, I will focus on the wonderful memories.

I will remember that first time we had a long conversation of sorts. Nothing but playful banter but you made me smile. You made me laugh. And I remember you told me, "Give me four days and you will forget him".. Him being the ex I was trying so hard to forget. What a prediction that turned out to be. Even if you yourself forgot you even said those words. Because in a matter of days I fell head over heels in love with you.

I'll remember that same night, when you asked me to stay. I so badly wanted to stay because I had felt that chemistry. And I left with a tiny tinge of regret. But then a few days later, we accidently met in the stairwell. And I remember smiling inside because I didn't think I'd see or hear from you again.

I'll remember our first date. And you drank a huge glass of margarita. And you like adding salt on it.

I'll remember the love plant that you gave me. No one has ever given me something live to take care of.

I'll remember the first rose you gave me. You had left it inside the apartment and it was one of the biggest surprises ever.

I'll remember all the little surprises. The notes and KitKats that you'd leave in the car, pillow, drawers.. they never fail to light up my day.

I'll remember that balloon on my birthday. And everyone in the office was looking at me curiously and probably with envy.

I'll remember how we used to hold hands like we were afraid to let each other go. Even while either of us was driving, we'd still continue to hold hands. I remember feeling like being in love for the first time.

I'll remember how you cooked for me. You called a friend in Utah just to learn the recipe for arroz caldo when I had my wisdom teeth extracted. And the shrimp recipe, crabs, because you know how much I loved them.

I'll remember all the laughter. All those times we watched Basta't Kasama Kita together. I remember the movies we shared.

I'll even remember the bad things. The worst things. Because those things made me appreciate the good even more, and made me strive never to repeat mistakes.

I'll remember you. The man I shared vows with. Even if those vows are now a blur, I had valued them in my heart, more than you'll probably ever comprehend.

I FOUND A NEW PLACE TO DWELL IT'S DOWN AT THE END OF THE LONELY STREET

Heartbreak Hotel

Well, since my baby left me,
I found a new place to dwell.
It's down at the end of lonely street
At Heartbreak Hotel.

You make me so lonely baby,
I get so lonely,
I get so lonely I could die.

And although it's always crowded,
You still can find some room.
Where broken hearted lovers
Do cry away their gloom.

You make me so lonely baby,
I get so lonely,
I get so lonely I could die.

Well, the Bell hop's tears keep flowin',
And the desk clerk's dressed in black.
Well they been so long on lonely street
They ain't ever gonna look back.

You make me so lonely baby,
I get so lonely,
I get so lonely I could die.

Hey now, if your baby leaves you,
And you got a tale to tell.
Just take a walk down lonely street
To Heartbreak Hotel

CROSSING OUT THE LIST

What's the 1st thing you'd eat/drink after being away from the Phils. for one year?

Red Horse, baby!
Tapsilog sa Pasong Tamo
Dimsum at North Park
Green Mango Shake
Jollibee Chickenjoy
Dencio's sisig
Congo Grill's tuna sisig
Congo Grill's tuna belly
Manggang Hilaw at bagoong
Selecta ice cream

The first thing I ate? Congo Grill's tuna sisig. My favorite. No more beers for me, though. Ate dimsum but in Mongkok (tama ba spelling?). Siomai with quail eggs. Yum. And yeah, there's a Dencio's na pala in Powerplant. Time to go for that sisig. :)

HOW I WISH MY PAIN KILLERS WOULD SOOTHE THE PAIN IN MY HEART AS WELL
Been busy as a bee trying to catch up at work and set-up my team. The long travel and the bumpy roads are killing me. Almost literally, because I've been feeling more pain lately. Time to think about telecommuting.

Speaking of pain... well, I don't want any more. Specially, I don't want my heart to feel any more pain.

SATURDAY WAS OK BUT STILL GETTING USED (AGAIN) TO THE ROAD SITUATION HERE
I'm loving the fact that MB and I can talk more objectively now that we are apart. Meeting his family was not bad either. Dinner at Conggo Grill was a disaster because of their poor service, but we were able to spend some time together. And I got to eat one of my favorite foods - tuna sisig. Yum!

I'm loving the fact that I am surrounded by family and I feel so much stronger already. Physically and emotionally. I feel like I can take on anything from now on..

I'm loving the fact that some things are slowly coming out in the open and I'm not freaking out about it.

I'm loving the fact that I got a new do, and my hair looks so much healthier now. It's a tad shorter than I wanted it to be, but I kinda like my multi-tone highlights. Ah, didn't like how I spent 6 hours in the salon to get it. My butt hurt and I was so hungry by the time it was over. I actually felt so sore. Maybe it's because I shied away from any beauty-related regimen in the U.S. Too expensive. Heh.

I absolutely adore the newest baby in the house. Not mine, unfortunately..

But I am still trying to get used again to the traffic. Getting to the mall is such a chore. Oh well, less trips to the mall means less shopping. And maybe that's not so bad. :)

And yeah, I still don't have a working cellphone. Argh. It's so hirap to go around here without one.

WELCOME, ROTUNDA, QUEZON CITY!
I braved the streets of Q.C. yesterday. No, I didn't drive. Not yet. I'm still trying to psyche myself up for this now-seemingly difficult task. My sister drove. We only had 3 destinations, barely a couple of miles away from each point. Easy, right? Not.

There was a power glitch at noontime and apparently, even after the power came back on, the traffic lights did not function. So all hell broke loose in Quezon Ave. No one would give in, so everyone just ended up kind of stuck in the intersection. We were finally able to get moving, managed to go to the bank, then to the hospital.. Our final stop was SM North Edsa because I needed to get my cellphone checked. Yeah, it's not working yet and so I'm cut-off from the rest of humanity at this point. And because of the rerouting, and again the traffic light fiasco, it took us forever to get to SM. When we got there, no parking space available. My sis opted to stay in the lot and wait for me in the car. Maybe because of the traffic, the bumpy roads, and just the stress of the day, my stomach started to hurt bad. I was able to ask around a bit though. My phone, which is a tri-band phone, needs to be unlocked so I can use it here. After going to three stores, I finally got a very cloak and dagger kind of response. The repairman told me to go to Vira Mall, stand between the two statues (saints??) and then call a number between 12 to 7PM.. And he will unlock the phone for me. I dunno. That will absolutely be my last resort. Mamaya ano pang modus operandi yan.. So anyways, at this point, my eyes are struggling to keep open. I'm still definitely jetlagged. Fun. Fun.

Mall sighting: lots of kids are wearing the F4 (of Meteor garden fame, tama ba?) do ha.. Wala lang, natawa lang ako. :)

I love my country.