Life can be ecstatic, exciting and extraordinary... if you make it to be.


Change is the only constant in this world.

Unknowingly, this little man, who's not even my own, brought about that change. I fell in love the moment I first saw him, as I always do with all my nephews and nieces.

But our relationship changed that year when he hurt his forehead while on my watch. As I saw blood oozing from his head, it hit me that kids are so fragile indeed. They need to be taken care of. Nurtured. Nourished. Loved.

It was the same year I made a pact to my dad that I will always take good care of my nephews before he passed away. My dad had been battling cancer for so long, longer than we will ever know. But while we saw him weaker than his usual, he never once complained, never once showed weakness. He had reached stage 4 when we found out. And in less than 2 months, he passed. But he fought hard in those last few days of his life. And it wasn't during one conversation when I fully realized why he was holding on. "I want my grandchildren to go to school and have a good life... Who will take care of them now?" It's not that my brother and sister-in-law are not taking care of them. They are, and they're doing a pretty good job. But my dad had always been the one who took care of everything for everyone. He was the one who purchased my first car even when I was more than old enough to do so. He'd be the first to call whenever there are calamities. He always wanted to make sure we were okay. Even when he was no longer okay.

I assured him that day that I will always be there for my nephews, my mom and my siblings. While I'm not the eldest in the brood, I'm the only one without kids of my own. And on that day I understood my purpose in life. I had to live away from my family for 15 years, in order to realize that I will need to be the leader once our head of the family was gone.

I don't know if my words assured my dad. I'd like to think so. He peacefully passed one day, a few hours after I left the hospital. That morning, I whispered to him that we were going home because my little nephew was waiting for him at home. My little nephew brought him so much joy in the last year of his life. And I knew the thought of seeing the kid again made him happy. My dad did come home. But to his home in heaven.

I spent most of my time in the hospital. And in those last days, I was mostly alone with him. But on that day, I had to go to work. And that was the day he left. I think he knew my heart wouldn't be able to handle it. And seeing him leave might break me, and I needed to be strong for the rest of my family.

So this little man, this bundle of joy, changed my life forever. He was entrusted to me. And if there was any doubt in my mind that I'll be staying for good in Cebu, my promise to my dad erased that doubt.

These days I no longer live life for myself. I have a family to lead. To nurture. To take care of. To love.

Change is constant. Change is good.

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Why is truth always hard to accept? Why do we take desperate measures to hide it or evade it? Desperation. What a sorry state to be in. One I would like to get out of. But I'm not quite sure if I would like the other options.

I used to tell myself I chose correctly. Who wouldn't want to be with the man that they love for a lifetime? But as days passed, years passed, the reality that love isn't enough keeps on hounding me. Love cannot save me. Or us.

I have been lost for so long, being lost now feels so normal. And when you see me, you wouldn't even notice. And that scares me.

Christmas is around the corner, and I'm not feeling it. And that's the thing. I want to feel it. I want to feel. I badly want to feel something again. Even anger. Not just this ugly apathy.

I want to feel again. That is my truth now. I just don't know how.

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I decided to blog again. I know it's so old school and twitter, facebook and instagram has outdated blogging. But blogging has always been cathartic for me. And I need that. To heal. The last time I blogged, I mentioned that my dad called me up to check up on me after the Japan earthquake. That was more than a year ago. And since 9 months ago, I would never hear his voice ever again. Well maybe in my dreams. My papa left us unexpectedly. I had only been home in Cebu for barely 2 months, and he left. He was one of the reasons why I left Manila for good. Because I wanted to be with my family and spend more time with them. But sickness happened. Cancer happened. And before we knew what hit us, we lost our papa to cancer. I have not quite recovered yet. How I wish I had more time to spend with him. How I wish I didn't live in Manila for so long. How I wish I spent more time with him the day he passed on. how I wish... And some wishes just don't come true. But life goes on. Even if I sometimes feel lost, wondering why I'm here, I'm still thankful that I went home when I did. One month may have seemed too short, but one month is better than nothing. I got to hug papa a lot. And tell him I loved him. I took care of him in the way I knew how. And I'd like to think I gave him a bit of strength too. It's not enough for all that he has done for me and my sibs, but I tried. I tried. There's still a lot that keeps me going. Among them my other great loves - my husband and my baby nephew Hans who just fills me with so much happiness. I love all my nephews and nieces, and I have doted on them at some point in their lives, so I know they won't take it against me that I'm just so in awe of this little one. Maybe because he was the bunso and my papa's most recent favorite apo. Our youngest nephew was only 2 months old when papa passed away so they didn't really get to bond as much. Life is like that. Always full of twists and turns. And we just have to live and love to the fullest.

Dose Me

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