Why is truth always hard to accept? Why do we take desperate measures to hide it or evade it? Desperation. What a sorry state to be in. One I would like to get out of. But I'm not quite sure if I would like the other options.

I used to tell myself I chose correctly. Who wouldn't want to be with the man that they love for a lifetime? But as days passed, years passed, the reality that love isn't enough keeps on hounding me. Love cannot save me. Or us.

I have been lost for so long, being lost now feels so normal. And when you see me, you wouldn't even notice. And that scares me.

Christmas is around the corner, and I'm not feeling it. And that's the thing. I want to feel it. I want to feel. I badly want to feel something again. Even anger. Not just this ugly apathy.

I want to feel again. That is my truth now. I just don't know how.

Labels: life, love, married life, musings

Love and Other Drugs is a feel-good movie. It's a story about our humanity, and how, no matter how bad or evil we think we are, love changes us. Love is a great equalizer. Not matter how rich, smart, beautiful, experienced we are, love will make us do things we sometimes think we're not capable of.

Labels: love, movies, relationships

"I'm ready this time, I know that I'm no longer undecided..."

Labels: adventure, love, new beginnings, R

The magic of the coming of a new year is that people always feel that it gives them a fresh start. Like a personal reset button, if you will. I guess change is always so hard to do or accept, that's why we need this magical or mythical push. 

Labels: crush, love, New year, personal

Of course, we're more than just roommates. He's more than just a boyfriend, really. He is my best friend. My soulmate.

Yes, it's a struggle every day. Fighting the distance battle is definitely toxic, draining. And yes, I've been so close to giving up, way too many times, I can't even count them anymore. But what we have, it's definitely not something you'd want to give up without putting up a good fight. Stuff like this comes once in a lifetime. Or maybe twice.

And when I do feel defeated, and sad, and lonely, I just remind myself why I love him so much. And it's a simple answer. With him, I can be myself. He has seen me at my weakest, bitchiest, strongest, ugliest. He didn't fall in love with me because I'm ambitious, successful, more chika, or what-not. He loved me when I wore my hair the worst (remember the shaggy days? ugh!), and when I didn't take care of my skin or wore make up. He loves me now when I'm in one of those killer moods. He loves ME.

In life, you have to wear different masks, to match the different roles you play. There's the perky mask, the authoritative mask, the ambitious mask, the playful mask, the nurturing mask, so many more... But when I'm with him, the masks just come off. And he sees me, raw and bare. And he doesn't mind. Not one bit.

Labels: love, R

I'm reposting a few old entries, spanning for a period of almost a year between 2003 and 2004, in sequential order.. This is for you... Told yah, it's more than a rollercoaster of emotion, indecision, pain and resilience. One thing for sure though, I'm glad I finally got off it.

I know it's a long hard road but I hope in the end, it leads you to where you need to be :)

+++++++++

TIRED 




I had been excited the whole day, because I had prepared little gifts for him, created pages for a scrapbook, partly as a belated monthsary gift, and mostly because it's his day...But tonight, a call from an old college barkada just put us back where we were a few days ago. In that place where pain has almost ceased to exist, and numbness has begun to set in. He threw a fit, once more not listening to reason. Once more doubting and distrustful. 

What have I done wrong? 

I don't want to cry anymore. I AM SO F*CKIN' TIRED. 

I cannot feel loved one moment, then feel like the most hated person the next. 

I love him but how far will that love go, really?



So when do I know enough is enough? When I say it is. For the first time ever in this relationship, I am ready to let go. I am scared shitless. But I'd rather be scared than be hurt over and over again. 

He never even got to open his presents.

I AM SAD AND HEARTBROKEN BUT I HAVE TO STAY STRONG


My heart is in so much pain right now, it seems like it's about to burst. But as soon as the tears dried up, and the night passed, I saw a hint of the sun. And it dawned on me, I have to stop crying. I don't know if I can learn to not be sad. But I don't wanna shed any more tears. 


ON LETTING GO



Here's my last letter for you. I'm tired now... I'm tired of pushing myself to you. I'm tired of what you didn't do, or I didn't do. I'm tired of you not understanding the things i say to you, or not understanding you also. I just want a rest now. Maybe someday, I will find that love. The kind of love I'm looking for, it's not the perfect love but the love I want to feel... not just for a couple of years, but the love that will last forever. I don't want it just to come by. I will find that... I will find that love. Because I'm the kind of person that cannot live without love. I want to LOVE. 

Now, I can just smile whenever you say that you want to leave me. I am ready. And I want to be ME again....

GOODBYE 


For the longest time, this is what I've wanted to do.. To leave. Get out. But my heart is more stubborn than I thought. And I hate the way my heart is in so much pain right now because it refuses to understand and let go. I want to start over. I want to believe again that somewhere out there, there is someone who will love me completely, and will have so much passion for me now, as he will have 20 years from now. And I will love him completely. I want to feel the magic. The natural high of being with someone you can't do without. Someone who will treat me right. Someone who will not ask me to love him more than I love myself, because he has enough love for himself.

I'M BECOMING A PAROKYA GROUPIE :p 



Nakakasawa din pala...

Kapag paulit ulit ang buhos ng galit

Parang ayoko na yata 

Nakakapagod din pala ang iyong mukha

At kung may balak ka pang ulitin sa akin yun

May ibubulong ako sa iyo.... putangina mo.. - Parang Ayoko Na Yata, Parokya ni Edgar 



This song is dedicated to........

UNTITLED


Punyeta. Ang plastic ko. Time to move on daw. But the truth is, my love for him is still stronger than my resolve to let go and move on. I just didn’t want to admit that to anyone, much more to myself...

DOING THE TANGO


I keep moving two steps forward. Then turn around completely. Go backwards. I'm doing the tango. All on my own. I want to move on, but I'm also the one holding myself back. The thing is, even if we both decided to end our relationship, I know he also still cares for me. I know he loves me. 

I am afraid to let go. Because this is truly the first time I've ever felt this intensely for someone. And my heart wants that intensity even if it comes with the promise that the fights are equally as intense. And do I really want that? My heart is telling me I do. It's what I live for. Passion, love. All that intense crap. But my mind tells me otherwise. It tells me that it's time to leave the chaos and pursue more stable things. But stability slows me down. 

With MB, I know, things are always gonna be unpredictable. There's always the excitement of not knowing what comes next. And yet, part of me was afraid of that. The part that wanted me to get out of the relationship. The part that is trying so hard to be heard.

WHAT AM I HOLDING ON TO, REALLY?


Sometimes I wonder, why I'm still holding on to my relationship with MB. Do I still love him? I believed we can still conquer our issues. I believed there was still hope amidst all the anger, jealousy and anguish. Because lessons were learned. Or did they come too late? Worse, was I, all this time, just believing an illusion? 

Something snapped this weekend. It felt like a slap on my face. 

Someone once told me he needed to be harsh to me so that I will finally see through the haze. I refused to believe him. In fact, I shut him out of my life because I knew all along he was right. And I didn't want to believe I was fighting a lost cause. It is hard because I am afraid beyond words to face the realities of defeat, loneliness, sadness, betrayal and grief. 

But really, I should be more afraid to continue living a lie and to continue to settle. I should be more afraid of losing myself and my dignity. I should be more afraid of the slow death that all this pain is causing.


UNTITLED

Just thinking, why is peace so elusive? And will people ever change? Or is there something genetic that will stop them from becoming the person they aspire to be? He knew too much alcohol makes him do crazy things.. It happened again. This time it's really more than a warning sign already. It should be a deal-breaker. But even after all my resolve to never talk to him again (and after deleting his phone number one million times already), I feel bad about abandoning him... Is it really part of my life's purpose to be there for him through all his trials?


UNTITLED

"Yes, time will heal those wounds but it will take a longer time if you allow the wounds to be bumped, burned and pierced while in the process of healing... you must protect yourself from yourself... minsan ikaw na ang sumusugat sa sugat mong di pa gumagaling... Trust me, after you let yourself heal properly and completely, you'll see a scar that will serve as a reminder of the lessons learned - and not of the pain you felt. "


ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

I've become his emotional punching bag. He is killing me softly with his angry and spiteful words. While he's at it, I will continue to live my life as if it's my last. I will brush my tears, walk away, and keep moving forward. I don't have to take any crap someone wants to push down my throat. Not even from someone I still care for so much. And I certainly don't want to drown myself with my tears. ENOUGH NA! 



And this is something for me to think about: 

Are you holding onto things which God wants you to let go of? 
Are you holding onto harmful or unnecessary partners, relationships, habits and activities which you have become so attached to that it seems impossible to let go? 


WHAT MAKES YOU A BATTERED WOMAN?

Is it because the man's hand almost reaches your cheek several times? Or his angry, hurtful insults and ugly curse words hurled at you everytime he goes on rage? Or is it because you don't stand up to him, and just bear all that? Because you live in constant fear that he might actually do worse?

If you just ignore his rage and move on and walk away as far away as possible, are you ever going to be whole again? Or is it high time for you to go to fight for your right to be treated with respect?

What makes a battered woman? Is it the man who abuses you? Or you, who allows yourself to be abused?

CURED

I am truly cured of this sickness. This blindness. 

The trip to the church and talking to Him gave me a lot of clarity. It was then that I felt what unconditional love is. And no, I'm not my own best friend. Nor am I alone. There is a Power far stronger than my will or courage. He is my best friend, always at my side and He eased my pain away. He allowed me to see what I chose to ignore. He allowed me to cry, to cleanse my soul from grief and despair. He allowed me to hurt, so I could feel what real love is. 

Love does not hurt you or threaten you or use you. Love does not use emotional blackmail. Love is not unfaithful. Love is not possessive nor insecure. Love is not angry. 

And I've always known that. Yet, I chose to be blind. 

But not anymore.


"Sometimes it is so hard to see what is in the other hand but do believe this one thing...................... God will never take away something without giving you something better in its place."

Labels: exes, love, nightmares

Sieg jokingly told me, I'm a high maintenance gf. Much as I would like to protest, there is some truth to that. Not in a materialistic way. But in a way that I expect nothing less than grandness from the person who claims to love me. I would do the same for love, and for most other things. So why should I settle for something less?

Relationships are quite tricky. Sometimes, we think we've become better versions of ourselves. But when we look closely in the mirror, we realize that we compromised too much of who we really are, that person has started to fade in the background. And that is never a good thing. What if the relationship fails? How can you bounce back if you don't even know who you are anymore?

They always say you can't truly love someone unless you love yourself first. And loving yourself means never losing yourself in the process of loving. This is me not settling. This is me not losing myself. So if somewhere down the line, R can't keep up, then, too bad. But life goes on. It always does.

Labels: love, relationships

Ali told me we should hang out and talk more often, and not just about work (yeah, we have a habit of going on and on about work... forgetting everything, and everyone else around, haha!), and maybe talk about our lovelives as well. And I replied, yeah, my non-existent one.

It's so hard having a boyfriend who's away all the time. No matter how much love you have for him, it will always be tested with all sorts of things and people and the worst of all, loneliness. We all get our bouts of loneliness, and when that hits me, it always pains me to think that he should be here instead of being far away. I'm not a needy woman, and I get by without a man just fine, but this love thing - it's so hard to just walk away from it. I mean, I have been through a lot when it comes to relationships, and by now I know what's real and what's not. This is definitely real. He is definitely real in his love and his intentions. And so am I. But like I always say, love is never enough.

Well, maybe this time around we'll figure it out. Gawd, we're this old and we still couldn't figure out relationships. Will it ever get easy? Or is it really all just... ern, wishful thinking.

In other news, I just really have to declare my love. For David Cook. I just super love him. He's always been my favorite. He brings out the rocker chick in me. Wahaha.

Labels: American Idol, David Cook, friends, love, work

The Way I Am - Ingrid Michaelson


If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.

Cuz I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.

If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll make it better.

Cuz I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.

I'd buy you Rogaine if you start losing all your hair.
Sew on patches to all you tear.

Cuz I love you more than I could ever promise.
And you take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.

Labels: love, R

I've always been a believer in the law of the effortless - if it's too easy, then it's probably meant to be. But in the real world, effortless is as fleeting as the wind.

Things have become more difficult between the boy and I. The reality of us being in different places (literally and figuratively) at this point of our lives is slowly eating away everything that brought us together in the first place.

I'm not pressed to make any decision right now, but it's heartbreaking to think that the ending of our fairytale will soon unfold. And it's not the happily-ever-after kind...

Labels: life, love, R, relationships

I was telling R about my frustration on this long distance dance of ours. Told him, this relationship is not normal and I miss normal. And I soon as I said that, I realized I don't even know what normal means. I looked back in all my relationships - every single one of them, and I couldn't find one that fits that bill of normal. All the relationships that I've had, yes, even the ones in high school or even the puppy love in grade school, have been anything but.

Let's talk about puppy love K. As most kids do, his way of showing me his affection was via embarrassing me in front of other young boys or picking a fight with me. And my way of showing mine was throwing away the sketch he made of me in the trash can (only to pick it up again as soon as everyone left the room, but that's another story). And in all our "courtship" period, we kept doing this ping-pong of hurt each other (albeit in a very childish way) in our efforts to show each other we liked each other.

How about my high school relationships? There's C who my parents hated because he was a grandson of the political nemesis of my grandfather. We eventually broke up, because aside from the family feud pressure, I also found out he was still in love with an ex, who incidentally, is one of R's best friends now (actually the wife of his best friend, but yeah, they are good friends as well). How so very friendster of us.

And there's J, who was 2 years younger than me, and that got one of my teachers telling me I was like "an old cow eating young grass". Yeah. I was already an old cow at 15. (And the realization just hit me, I'm talking about a so-called relationship of a 15-yr old and a 13-yr old. And that is not normal in so many ways!)

Now college may have been the closest I ever got to normal. If normal means, living in your own little world. Because that was how it was with C2. And it all worked perfectly, until I rediscovered the world outside - my dreams, new friends, vast opportunities. Getting involved in student politics did more to me than just open my views and my horizons. It saved me from an early marriage. (And how is this not normal? I don't even want to begin to count the ways).

The 2nd relationship that got closest to normal was with R-1. Except that when we first got together, he was still very much in love with his ex, as I was with mine. And yeah, another friendster testimonial, turns out my ex was his former grade school classmate and barkada. I almost left R-1 because my ex, M, suddenly reappeared in my life after a year, professing he has been looking for me (I already lived in another city at that time). But then I remembered why I broke up with him - because aside from me, he had girlfriends in the rest of the campuses of our university, and there were more than 3 campuses! Going back to R-1, he was great, a very good man like C2. And eventually, we got over the rebound thing and had a great thing going. Until work started to take us away from each other. He travelled a lot, I travelled a lot. He made peace with his ex without telling me, and they became each other's confidants, which was already going on for 2 years before I found out. And eventually I fell in love with someone else. Fast forward 5 years later, he makes his peace with me, and he told me he was still very in love with me. And he was also already very married. And fast forward 2 more years later, his wife (who's practically a stranger, an acquaintance at best, adds me in her friendster).

Let's go back to M, who, another 7 years later, once again reappeared in my life, professing his undying love (and that he has been looking for me, again). I almost caved, except that he sounded very drunk, as he did that one other time. Good thing for me (or so I thought), I was about to leave at the time. I went to the States for work, only to get back a year later, bruised and beaten. And I only have this to say about B - I don't normally have any regrets in my life, but they say there's always an exception to the rule, and he is that exception.

M, btw, was still very much waiting for me after that US assignment, and a few more months later, I finally saw him, after 8 years, only to get the closure I never got with him. When we saw each other, I barely knew the man I declared as my greatest love (it did take me nearly 3 years to get over him). I finally said my goodbyes to the man I credit my smoking habit for, as well as the reason why I left home right after graduation. Ironically, he was not there to say goodbye. Whereas years back, he was doing the hurting, he wanted to do the healing this time. But it's true what they say - you eventually forget, even if the road is long and narrow. And I had forgotten.

I should also mention the string of relationships with different variants of unavailable men, emotionally or otherwise. Still no luck in finding normal.

Which brings me back to R and my constant search for normalcy in our relationship and my realization that I couldn't even define normal because I never had that. And maybe that's sad. Or maybe it just means what's normal is the un-normal. And that maybe being with a good man, who makes you laugh when the world seems to have fallen down on you, who makes you feel safe when the things you believe in suddenly seem like big fat lies, no matter how far away he is, is as good as it gets.

Labels: love, R, relationships

Hello friends. Just wanted to ask a teeny weeny favor from you guys. A couple of prayer requests, if you're feeling generous..

* For MM's brother who is right now stricken with dengue.. Pls pray for his quick recovery
* For my teenage nephew who has not been coming home, and for his parent who has somehow already given on him.. He is right now very lost, and I myself am quite lost when it comes to him as well. Please pray that God will always guide him and bring him back home to us.

I've not been feeling well myself. Been down with a viral infection since Friday of last week. But, I'm much better off than the people I'm praying for right now.

Thank you.

Labels: family, life, love

It's amazing how we meet people and they stay in our lives unexpectedly. It was a very good friend's birthday the other day, and it was also the anniversary of the first time we met four years ago. Through all this time, and in spite of the distance, and despite the times when either of us falls silent by choice or circumstance, he has remained one of the dearest persons to me...

In other news, life has been kind of dull lately. Yet, the drama always unfolds around me... Elsewhere, friend A just committed adultery, and she is one of the most sensible persons I know. Love really is a strange thing. Another friend got pregnant so she went into this frenzy in pulling in her wedding, only to find she has a blighted ovum... Life can be so ironic sometimes. Lastly, Friend C met the perfect guy, who believes she is also the perfect girl, only the situation's not so perfect as the guy has a long term girlfriend.. Love can be such a pain in the arse. :)

Oh well. As for me, all I want right now is to get some sleep... Have a good weekend, everyone.. Off I go.. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.........

Labels: friends, life, love, relationships