GIRL SCOUT TRIXY
Party girl Trixy becomes girl scout Trixy, at least for the weekend. Labor day is coming up and we're off to Yellowstone Park to visit the Old Faithful, et al. Yup, I can do outdoors, as well. Really ;-)

Ok. Happy shopping, err, weekend to all!!! Gotta go pack my hat and sunblock :P

CRAZY WEEKEND
Taking a quick break from my mini-break :) Am not really on hiatus, and I'm feeling better than ever, thank you.. :) I might be spending less time on this blog than I would like to, though.. But I'll be around. Ako pa :)

IT'S GETTING HOT IN HERE
We got together last Friday in another apartment. Pizza, beer, charades... and a another angry neighbor :P She didn't even wait till morning. She rang the doorbell before 10PM. Oh well, it was time anyways to head out to the foam party in Bar 71. We got wet, foamed up and grooved under the stars! Mr. E was there, as well, and made my night a tad more interesting. He held my hand as we were walking down the slippery floor to get a drink and while dancing.. Kilig, sobra! ;) [But he's still no longer my crush.. Di talaga pwede eh...]

For the first time ever in my life, a complete (cute) stranger danced with me. I didn't mind, as it was, after all, a party.. Plus my friends were all like within arms reach, ready to pounce on him should things go out of hand... He was a good dancer and actually sweet. Wiped the foam off everytime my friends dumped some all over me.. It all went well... till he slapped my butt! Man, that freaked me out. I slowly pulled myself away from him and got back to my crowd (albeit, a little regretabbly, since we were having a good time and should I say again he was cute? hehe)... I think it freaked me out more, though, when I went home thinking that if I was probably younger or wasn't with people I actually worked with, I would have totally went for it. Whatever "it" means. lol.

SURVIVED THE DIVE
Bungee jumping... not part of my before-30 list, but I did it! Like I told Nic, I'm in the mood for letting go... But deng, when I was up in that 100-ft tower in Mt. Hood Ski Bowl, I wasn't so much in the mood anymore... I'm not so crazy about heights, after all.. The first time I stepped on the platform and my toes were like hanging in the air, my knees shook so badly.. I stood there, looking up towards the mountains, looking below to the cheering crowd, for a good 5 minutes, and I froze... Couldn't do it.. I backed up.. Started thinking WTF I was doing! Funny what goes through your mind before taking a plunge while strapped to a rope ("really, this thing could hold me?" I had to ask more than once..)

I had to laugh at myself.. There were moments in my life that I thought about just putting an end to my miseries, self-inflicted or otherwise.. I see now jumping off a bridge is definitely out of the question.. Ain't it a paradox? To even be capable of thoughts about taking your own life, no matter how fleeting, and yet fear death, even the most remote risk of it? And then I thought I could always not jump. But I knew that if I didn't do it then, I never will. And I wanted to do it. This was my small act of courage. Of throwing caution to the wind. And not think about consequences so much. Because you live more, if you risk more...

So after more than half an hour in the tower, I went back to the platform. Let go... And jumped...It was so freakin' scary, and crazy and exhilirating.. And I think my heart stopped for a while.. Ironically, I've never felt more alive! Woo hoo :)

**** I will stop the singing for a while. And I will go dance my dance. See you all soon :) ****

GOODBYE, GHOST
"And there's not enough room in this world for my pain.
Signals cross and love gets lost and time past makes it plain,
of all my demon spirits I need you the most.
I'm in love with your ghost

Oh, unknowing captor, you'll never know how much you pierce my spirit
I can't touch you--can you hear it?
A cry to be free, or I'm forever under lock and key as you pass through me.

And my bitter pill to swallow is this silence that I keep
that poisons me, I can't swim free, the river is too deep.
Though I'm baptized by your touch, I am no worse at most.
I'm in love with your ghost" - excerpts from the song GHOST by the Indigo Girls

I'm saying goodbye to my ghost. His reasons for haunting me are no more. And though I still love him more than he'll probably ever know, this time around, I'm ready to move on. Goodbye, ghost. Hello, long lost friend.

ELUSIVE
The goddess of sleep's elusive all week. Must have been all those early morning meetings with folks from Pinas.. The other day, I was wide awake until 4AM. So what's a girl to do? Wash the friggin' dishes and clean the apartment. Yeah. This week I'm definitely going back to my Melatonin doses.

* * * * *
The Friday party was a blast! My friend found a note from the apartment manager by the door Saturday morning. Neighbor complained of loud music until 1AM. We're gonna sue the party pooper for giving inaccurate information. Hell, the group didn't disperse until 4AM. *lol*

* * * * *
Turned out to be quite a hot Latino party complete with tequila and jello shots. I salsa'd and merengue'd all night long. Yup, it more than made up for my lack of gym hours last week. All the hip and bonbon shaking are way too much for an oldie like moi.. Hehe..

* * * * *
I'm dumping Mr. E. As a crush. Heh. He has two left feet. It just ain't right. :P

* * * * *
Saturday we all went to an open lot to watch the airshow. We were simply awed. Even if we can't see the pilots, we just know they're such hotties. Deng. Galeng!

* * * * *
Just came home from lazying around at a friend's apartment. We were drinking light tonight. No beer. Just good ol' White Zinfandel to calm the senses :)

* * * * *
Grabe. Shopping frenzy alert! 5 CDs including the Phantom of the Opera and Les Miserables soundtracks. Books... books... books... A couple of Neil Gaiman pieces (finally), Memoirs of a Geisha, and the whole Harry Potter collection (since I have not read the last two books). Plus a bunch of romance chuva nonsense (Jude Deveraux kind - hehehe)...

* * * * *
Oh well, guess sleep isn't going to come tonight either. Off to Hogwarts I go... Enjoy the rest of the weekend y' all. :)

WAITING IN VAIN
Like I said, it's been three years since I'm knocking on your door
And I still can knock some more.
Ooh boy, ooh boy, is it crazy love ? I wanna know now
For I to knock some more. You see...
In life I know there is lots of grief
But your love is my relief.
Tears in my eyes burn, tears in my eyes burn
While I'm waiting, while I'm waiting for my turn. - Waiting in Vain by Annie Lennox (Serendipity OST)

Jeremiah's thoughts almost mirrored mine. But last night, as I partied and talked with Mr. E, I found myself thinking about TLB. And even if Mr. E is not exactly in that category, it hit me that I was subconsciously comparing the few people I dated in the past with TLB. Is he my benchmark of all males to come or am I simply not over him? Am I moving on or secretly waiting for him to return?

And this morning, the 1st thing I learned was that his trip to Oregon this January was cut. Everything suddenly became a blur. It's just so obvious, not only have I been waiting, but I've been waiting for too long. My mind knows it should stop. But my heart, now, that's a different story...

CONFESSION
Reading about Pam's "confession" took me back to a time not so long ago. If you've lurked in my archives, you'll know what I mean. I only wish now I have the same courage as Pam.

I spent hours talking with this friend. We spent so much time together. He might not know it, but he saved me. I didn't know it then, but he coloured a life that has become black with bitterness and pain.

We have since parted ways due to some ironic twist of fate. But I emailed him a few weeks back, intending to apologize for reacting the way I did to the circumstances we suddenly found ourselves in. He never replied back. And I understand. I told him at least now we no longer have to wonder what will happen to us when I leave. The gods took care of it for us. Telling someone you're glad the way things turned out because now you no longer miss him the way you thought you would doesn't exactly sound apologetic. I'm proud and dumb that way.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I told him that I loved him. Because I did. I guess I will never know the answer now. It's true what they say --- you have to say it when the moment comes because once it passes by, it's gone forever.

I'm not going to beat myself up about it. He had his chance, too. But I guess neither of us were brave enough to say it out loud. I don't think we really understood what we had. Just that it was something good. And I guess we were never meant to end up in a romantic relationship. And that would have been fine with me. I would rather have him still in my life as a friend than lose him forever. But of course, happy endings are hard to come by..

Hey, YOU. I know that things will never go back to the way they used to be. And I don't know if our paths will ever cross again. But I hope you know that you were important to me. You still are. Email me sometime, will you? I miss you.

BLIND DATE
This show just cracks me up. First, this guy trips and falls from the stairs. Then he knocks over the drinks and then attempts to grope the girl. He gets slapped. Hahaha.. Glad I'm not dating. And there's just a little hint of sarcasm there. Really :P

* * * * *
Speaking of dates, second try with Mr. E. He's based in another state so we rarely see each other. This weekend he'll be in town and we'll meet in a party. So it's not really a date.

Quick note to self: wax those stray eyebrows. And stay away from those jello shots. ;-)

But really, it's not a date.

REAL-LIFE DRAMA
Not mine, this time :) I haven't read the paper for a while since I've gotten here. But today, I did. To catch up on showbiz drama. Shame on me.

WEEKEND LOGS

Fri, 12AM: Trixy and her team just got out of Sunset Bowling Lanes. Three hours of torture, err, rolling an 8lb ball she can hardly carry. The winners were handed their prizes. And she, another Bowl of Shame to her name.

Fri, 1120PM: After having been given the wrong directions, Trixy and friends managed to meet with other officemates in a downtown Portland bar. But they had already lost the other car in convoy with them after their driver beat a couple of red lights because he got so engrossed in the conversation. They no longer had time for a drink as they had to go to the airport.

Sat, 1210AM: Trixy and friends are circling around in Portland. I-84 is closed and nobody knew an alternate route. After approaching a cop for directions, they were finally on their way.

Sat, 1235AM: They picked up a friend whose flight from Manila was a nightmare. Two cancelled flights in NAIA. Her plane in HK landed back after a couple of hours in the air due to engine trouble.

Sat, 1245AM. The gang dropped by Bar 71 in Portland for a few drinks.

Sat, 210AM. The waiters shoo'd them out of the bar. Closing time. They were unhappy but they decided to drop by Safeway to buy an 18-pack.

Sat, 240AM: They discovered the State did not allow alcohol to be sold after 230AM. The thirsty bunch were devasted but unfazed. There was enough beer supply at home.

Sat, 530AM: 5 figures on the floor in a state of drunkenness and sleep.

Sat, 6PM. xXx. Nobody cared that it was a mindless action movie. Diesel's magnificent bod was more than enough attraction. The boys did not mind the action sequences or girls in the movie, either. Trixy can't stop daydreaming about Diesel.

Sat, 10PM. Dinner, beer and Godfather II. Trixy wondered why it took her all these years to watch the classic.

Sun, 3AM. Slightly intoxicated, Trixy went home. She watched Godfather. She is now a certified movie fan of the trilogy.

Sun, 1PM. Trixy woke up with another hang over. She cleaned up her apartment, picked up her mail and went back to sleep.

Sun, 9PM. Shoot. Where did the day go?

Mon, 230AM. Trixy just got off from an offshore meeting. She wonders if she can keep up with this vampire-lifestyle. Or if she will ever tire of it. She dismisses the ugly thoughts. And begins to blog.

Mon 3AM. Happy birthday, Madz! :)

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

" I am no Superman
I have no reasons for you
I am no hero
Oh, that's for sure
But I do know one thing
Is where you are is where I belong
I do know where you go
Is where I want to be" - Where Are You Going by Dave Matthews Band, Mr. Deeds OST

BLAST TO THE PAST
Copied from Bunny :)

If your 8-year-old self was standing in front of you right now and you would only be given 5 minutes to talk to her, what would you tell her?

"Hey little girl, many years from now you're going to meet TLB. Avoid him at all cost. He will be your meanest heartbreak. Your greatest love. One you'll have a hard time forgetting about. And he will keep haunting you. No matter where you go. No matter what you do."

Nah. Kidding. :P After all that's been said and done, I have no regrets. Instead, I will tell her to live her life fully. Status quo. There's love and hope amidst all this bullshit. Even if it's hard to believe.

And I'll go on to tell her to "Savour every moment of your innocence. Once lost, your life is changed forever. The world is not as bright, the rose not as red. And it will be hard to love without pain. Play. Because soon that will be a luxury you may not be able to afford. Virginity is so overrated. But, waiting is good for your health, your heart and your sanity. If I have more than five minutes, I would tell you more. But since I don't, just remember - Mom knows what she's talking about. Listen to her. Trust me on this. And oh yeah, start eating those veggies, dammit. They may not taste good now, but heck, it beats watching the scale constantly in your adult life because all your ever learned to eat was junk food. :P"

TIME
Time heals all wounds. It's a curse, when you're waiting for it to come. But it's your salvation, when it happens. And it will.

CHANDLER
The last time I was in Chandler, AZ was about 3 years ago. And I remembered every reason why I liked living there.

1. Lee Lee's. Wow, it has become so huge and organized! This Asian store had everything I like from back home (Pinas). From Master's fried sardines pulutan (appetizer), Barrio Fiesta chili bagoong (shrimp paste - yum!), tuyo (dried fish), dried squid, marinated boneless bangus from Mindanao and several authentic Asian goodies. There are Asian stores here in the Hillsboro area but they don't sell a lot of Filipino stuff. It saddens me a bit. Specially when I get homesick. So guess what I carried in my luggage today? :P
2. Long Wong's. This Mexican joint serves nasty, spicy and ultra-delicious Buffalo wings! You can choose from mild, medium and suicide. Guess which one I go for? And not bad for $4/dozen.
3. Asian restos. From Chinese, Vietnamese, Japanese.. lots to choose from. And very helpful for someone who doesn't cook much (understatement!). Very unlike Hillsboro. Good thing we have Thai Orchid here.
4. Infrastructure. Chandler is a well-planned city. The map is easy to read as the city is cut in blocks. Very convenient for a navigational idiot like moi. Hehe.
5. Weather. I like it sunny! Of course, I'm a Filipino and I grew up in warm, humid and tropical Philippines. So I don't mind the 90F summers here. I'm used to that. But cold and wet? No. No. No.
6. People. Very diverse. There are more Asian residents here. Lots of Filipinos and the feeling of community is strong. I miss the regular karaoke sessions we used to have!
7. Malls and mini-malls. And Hillsboro has well, lots of trees. Not that I mind that, but hell, I'm city-bred and I get naseous when I don't go shopping at least once a week. Hihihi.

Reasons why I like it now:
1. In n Out Burger has conquered Chandler. My fave burgers and fries!
2. Chandler Fashion Center. I'm a mall-lover. And the killer of course is the Starbucks with a view of the colored fountains.
3. Saw more familiar faces. Specially one person who I was quite fond of. He took care of me. He was there for me. But things are the way they are. And better left at that. It was good to see you again. And no, I still don't think I look like Ruthie (7th Heaven). But thank you. I guess. :)

Am back in Hillsboro now. Home for the next few months. Am here, curling up in my comfy couch. And though I love Chandler, and happy to make that short trip to a place where I liked everything including the memories, this is still home. No matter that it sometimes reminds me of a past I've been trying to move on from. I'm home.

WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN
Forgive the sudden barrage of song lyrics. Couldn't seem to express myself well lately. And thus, muted. Would have stayed away, but I was reading through Willow's blog and she asked "do you have a favorite song that you can't listen to anymore because it brings back painful memories?".. Yeah. He used to sing this song to me. With certainty. I was the coward. Ironically, I'm now the one wondering what might have been. Dangit.

What Might Have Been
by Lou Pardini

Somewhere, lost in the wind
I'm watching you
Sunlight touching your hair
And I remember
Somehow, we said that we would never stray
But somehow we lost our way
Promises too often spoken
Are easily broken apart

I'm ready this time
I know that I'm no longer undecided
Don't wanna be
A fool wondering what might have been

Trace of forever lingering
Drawing me closer to you
A new beginning
Now I know
There is no doubt I understand
Just how fragile love can be
I can't forget
Your mem'ry found me
Now I know where I belong

I'm ready this time
I know that I'm no longer undecided
Don't wanna be a fool wondering
What might have been
Through every day, into the night
With only love to guide us
I'm ready to go, coz I've got to know
What might have been
Let the lovin' decide, I can't run, I can't hide

I want you to know
My heart will show that I'm ready this time
I know that I'm no longer undecided
Don't wanna be, a fool wondering what might have been
I've searched everywhere, and nothing compares
When we've got love to guide us
I'm ready to go, coz I wanna know what might have been
I'm wondering what might have been
We're gonna find what might have been
Oh I wanna know what might have been

MUTED
"You can only paint with the colors that you've been given.."

WISHING...

Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again
Music: Andrew Lloyd Webber
Lyrics: Charles Hart
from the Phantom of the Opera

You were once my one companion...
you were all that mattered...
You were once a friend and father-
then my world was shattered...

Wishing you were somehow here again...
wishing you were somehow near...
sometimes it seemed,
if I just dreamed,
somehow you would be here...

Wishing I could hear your voice again...
knowing that I never would...
Dreaming of you won't help me to do
All that I dream I could...

Passing bells and sculpted angels,
cold and monumental,
seem for you the wrong companions-
you were warm and gentle...

Too many years fighting back tears...
Why can't the past just die...?
Wishing you were somehow here again...
knowing we must say goodbye...

Try to forgive...
teach me to live...
give me the strength to try...

No more memories,
no more silent tears...
No more gazing across the wasted years...
Help me say goodbye...

Help me say goodbye.

100 Tears Away
song by Vonda Shepard

Go ahead and cry now
Just give in to the madness
The only way to feel your joy
Is to first feel the sadness

Go ahead and sail now
Just give in to the ocean
The only way to tame your fear
Is to feel her rocky motion

You're a long way from somewhere you call home
There's a place in your heart, you're not alone

All of the happiness you seek
All of the joy for which you pray
Is closer than you think
It's just 100 tears away

Go ahead and listen
Just give into the voices
You think you're backed into a corner
But you've got so many choices
You can't save all the hungry
The lonely or the dying
Sometimes we wanna give up
But fools like us keep trying

You're a long way from some place you feel safe
Peace of mind comes from just one place

All of the happiness you seek
All of the joy for which you pray
Is closer than you think
Is just 100 tears away

Whatever it is that'll make you feel good
You can have if you want, if you knew that you could
You can have it all baby

You're a long way from somewhere you call home
There's a place in your heart you're not alone

All of the happiness you seek
All of the joy for which you pray
Is closer than you think
It's just 100 tears away


__________________________________________________________
* Yey! Finally gone back to the gym again. My life is really nearing normalcy. Turbo kickboxing class is next Monday.. so excited!!
* Grabe! Currently watching Blind Date and this girl was just belching during the whole friggin' date! Hello!! And the worse part is, she thought she was being funny. When she was interviewed at the end of the date, she expected that she'll be asked for another date.. After croaking like a frog. Figure that. The guy was totally grossed out. Of course.