NOT COMING HOME
by Maroon 5

When you refuse me
You confuse me
What makes you think I'll let you in again
Think again my friend
Go on misuse me and abuse me
I'll come out stronger in the end

And does it make you sad
To find yourself alone
And does it make you mad
To find that I have grown
I'll bet it hurts so bad
To see the strength that I have shown

When you answer the door pick up the phone
You wont find me cause I'm not coming home

You don't know how much this hurts me
To say these things that I don't want to say
But have to say them anyway
I would do anything to end your suffering
But you would rather walk away

OUTTA HERE :)
This has been my online sanctuary for almost three years! Wow. Lotsa history there.. lotsa friends made along the way...

Thanks, and see you around :)

After a While
By Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes open,
with the grace of an adult,
not the grief of a child,

And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much.

So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth.

After a while...

* first read in his blog :)

I WANT!
To watch Incubus!! March 12... Sana matuloy na ako this time... So far, no family get-togethers in my calendar.. :) I missed Jason Mraz na eh.. But no regrets.. I love my family more than Jason.. :)

And this one's for you!

"Hey megalomaniac
You're no Jesus
Yeah, you're no fucking Elvis
Wash Your hands clean (or Yourself)
Baby yeah
Step down
Step down " - Megalomaniac, Incubus

ELEVATOR BUDDIES

G is my crush at work for the longest time. Our paths never crossed for some reason, and I thought he had resigned na.. But this morning, as I was parking my car in our satellite office, I saw him coming up as well... I made it to the elevator first, with him following closely behind... I heard him ask me to wait, when the door was closing, so I opened it again.. As he came in, he looked at me and thanked me... I just sort of mumbled and nodded, without looking at him... Yeah, such a great display of social skills... But I dunno, I'm just not the kind of person who would strike a conversation with someone I haven't met.. Apparently, he was dissatisfied with that response, so he repeated his thank you, this time a bit louder.. This time, I managed to have the guts to look at him and say "Sure.." then smiled..

Fast forward to lunch break... I saw G talking with someone by the elevator.. And I made it there first again.. He quickly followed inside, looked at me and said, "Weren't you the one I rode with in the elevator this morning? We're elevator buddies now!".. Giving me a great smile.. And all I could mutter was "Yeah"..

I wanted to kick myself! Dem.. A cute guy was trying to make conversation with me, and all I could return were meek one-liners? No wonder my dating life is in such a lull right now.. :)

STRAIGHT TO THE HEART

IRONY OF FALSE LOVE...

Isn't it ironic how almost everyone subject themselves to emotional anxiety and pains, in search of the so called one true LOVE, when in fact nobody can ever provide a single (and universally accepted) definition of this word?... when nobody can guarantee an end when the journey begins?

Isn't it ironic how one person can make you so miserable to the extent of doubting your sense of self-worth and feeling impotent, when there standing behind you are countless people who believes in you and values you so much in their
life?

Isn't it stupid that we allow one person whom we barely know and whom we just met, to destroy the fruits of our past and to dictate our future by investing all our emotions in the belief that he can provide the happiness that we would need to last our lifetime?

Isn't it amazing how society makes us believe that this one person will be enough to make us abandon the joys from the people who really loved us and those who molded us into the very person that made this one person love us in the first place?

Isn't it unbelievable that we rely on one person to measure our importance through the number of phone calls, text messages, e-mails, chocolates or flowers that we receive, when there are people whom we call family and friends who never fail to make us feel so important? Doesn't it astonish you how one failed relationship suddenly destroys the pride, confidence and wisdom we have carefully collected and owned from the people and events in our past... the foundations that made up the person that you really were?

Isn't it so stupid that we forget about everything we believed in, how easily we lose our faith in love just because of one jerk who, to his misfortune, didn't recognize true love when it was in front of him?

Isn't it amazing how we punish ourselves and how we choose to stay in misery, when joy is just one step ahead of us, just because of a single mistake (of love) to which we also happen to be the victim?

So I ask, why do we have to do this to ourselves?

When NOBODY but you knows who you really are and how valuable you are? So please, never allow any jerk to make you believe otherwise.

MISTAKES, never be ashamed of them for we all commit one. Love, after all, is about acceptance. Those who cannot accept you for who you are do not deserve your love, simply because he is not capable of giving you the love that you deserve...

(forwarded by a friend who makes me feel so important...) :)

RANT
May mga tao talagang sobrang kapal na at di marunong mahiya. Sila na nga yung may pagkukulang, pagkakautang at pagkasala, sila pa ang matigas ang mukha. Hay naku, kung di lang ako masaya ngayon ay papatulan ko na. Pero ang mga taong ganyan, di karapat-dapat sa oras, galit o kung ano mang emosyon ko.. Diyos na lang ang bahala sa kanila...

Buti na lang, may mga nagpapangiti sa akin. Di kayang sirain ng mga taong walang natirang hiya sa katawan nila, ang aking magandang araw, at mga araw na dadating pa.

Di pa rin ayos ang bagong blogsite ko... Malapit na.. Abangan :)

NOT QUITE GONE YET
Still quite busy to fix the other blog up... So, let me just say hello to all. And that I'm happy :)

I luv this song by D'Sound..

people are people

I am the one
who believes in all that you say
I am the one
who never wants to define herself
I am the one
who’s paralell, upfront, behind
I am the one
paddling like crazy through the night

Refine, old time, colourblind
Big sign, do time, doesn’t rhyme
A lot, to much, standing tall
And I’m crying in the valley:
“I shall never, ever fall!”

People are people
and I feel so strong
People are people and I’m
going on

I am the one
who stirs it up everytime
I am the one
who never knows how close she is
I am the one
who’d rather be dead than confess
I am the one
trying to be good, wanting to be bad and so on

Excess, temptress, big mess
Phoney, lonely, it’s a test
Be still my heart, don’t you fail
And I’m crying on the stagefloor:
“I will always prevail!”

I’m going on…

A NEW BEGINNING :)
Once again... :) I'm moving. I'm beginning a new chapter in my life, and I want to leave the ugly reminders of my past here... It's mostly symbolic... :)

If you don't get my email containing the new link and you want to follow me there, pls. send me a note. If I want you to find me, I will get back to you :)

See you soon, folks!!

TODAY IS MY INDEPENDENCE DAY
:) Come to think of it, everything started exactly a year ago. Things have come full circle. And finally I'm at peace. Heart slightly broken but still intact... I'm beginning to smile again. And that girl in the reflection is slowly coming back to life :)

Thanks, everyone. You know who you are.

HAPPY HEARTS DAY
I'm tired but still breathing :) Been doing better this week. Nothing has changed much in all aspects of my life, tho. Problems are same old same old. BUT, slowly but surely, I'm taking all hte necessary steps to address them all..

Anyhoo, just wanted to greet everyone a happy hearts day! And may all the weary hearts finally get the much needed rest, and may memories of the past remain where they should belong - in the past. :)

And yeah, everyday is always a good day to tell all our loved ones "I LOVE YOU!!" .. Enjoy the weekend, folks.

MOMENTS OF WEAKNESS
I have many moments of weakness. And I used to shed a tear or two. But now, there's just.. resignation. I have lifted all my woes to Him. I have stopped asking questions because the answers don't always come easy, and sometimes, they don't come in the terms that we may have wanted.

I still don't know why it has all come to this. Or maybe I do but I'm struggling to comprehend it all. But I do know that He picks me up whenever I'm down. He fills me with His love, and surrounds me with the people who love me...

This is a very turbulent time in my life. And there are times when I get so weary. But I feel His hand holding mine, as I walk through this path of darkness, leading me to the light.

CURED
I can say this with all honesty, I am truly cured of this sickness. This blindness.

The trip to the church and talking to Him gave me a lot of clarity. It was then that I felt what unconditional love is. And no, I'm not my own best friend. Nor am I alone. There is a Power far stronger than my will or courage. He is my best friend, always at my side and He eased my pain away. He allowed me to see what I chose to ignore. He allowed me to cry, to cleanse my soul from grief and despair. He allowed me to hurt, so I could feel what real love is.

Love does not hurt you or threaten you or use you. Love does not use emotional blackmail. Love is not unfaithful. Love is not possessive nor insecure. Love is not angry.

And I've always known that. Yet, I chose to be blind.

But not anymore.

SOME EMOTIONS ARE DIFFICULT TO DESCRIBE
Yesterday I got the call I've been waiting for for two weeks now. This is it, I thought, so I frantically text'd a couple of friends to accompany me to what will now be forever in my mind, a god-awful place. Neither of them were available, I had no choice but to go there alone. So I called my brother, because I really felt so scared and alone, and I needed to just be with someone. He doesn't even know it, but he gave me strength through the whole drive because I was literally shaking. I got lost on my way there, too.. And I was beginning to panic because I knew I could not return any other time. Yesterday was the day.

I finally got there, and got hold of the thing, which I could not bare to hold or open.. As I was driving back home, I gave in to a sob that was welling up inside, for all the pain, sadness, frustration, disappointment, and resignation. If this is so right, then why does it feel so wrong? If this is what I wanted all along, then how come I'm not crying for joy instead?

There are some things that will put a finality to a failed relationship, but it does not force our hearts to let go of someone we love.

ME, MYSELF AND I
"I can't believe i believed
Everything we had would last
So young and naive for me to think
She was from your past
Silly of me to dream of
One day having your kids
Love is so blind
It feels right when it's wrong

I can't believe i fell for four years
And i'm smarter than that
So young and naive to believe that with me
You're a changed man
Foolish of me to compete
When you cheat with loose women
It took me some time but now i moved on

Cuz i realized i got
Me myself and i
That's all i got in the end
That's what i found out
And it ain't no need to cry
I took a vow that from now on
I'm gonna be my own best friend" - Me, Myself and I, Beyonce

IRONIC
I just really need to be hugged right now. Ironically, the only arms whose comfort I seek, are from him who caused me pain in the first place.

Life can be cruel like that sometimes.

JUST LIKE CHAMPAGNE
Most of my friends would describe me as bubbly.. To the eyes of others, they see me - full of life, vivacious... And maybe I am... I love life, no doubt about it. I thrive on the adventure of each new day... I'm high on life and all that it brings.. But sometimes, if you care to look into my eyes, you will get a glimpse of someone opposite of what you're accustomed to seeing. A girl scarred beyond recognition, just hiding in her disguise called laughter.

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
A friend was telling me about this movie where the characters were trying to define what unconditional love is...

"When he doesn't have to love you back."

I don't know if that's good or pathetic or sad.. Or maybe it doesn't matter. But that's what it is.

Gah. February is going to be an emotional month for me.. And dear god, no, it's got nothing to do with that overrated V-day celebration..

It's just that... so many wonderful memories of this month.. And then, if things go as scheduled, those will be replaced by a single, awful but perhaps long-overdue ending.

DEFINITELY
"Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you get bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older too" - Landslide, Stevie Nicks

I bought Paolo Santos' Wave Sessions, and he did a cover of this song, which is definitely, my gah-I'm-turning-30-soon song. And just because of that, as well as because he did Seasons of Love, my yes-I-love-life-in-spite-of song, I'm beginning to like the guy.. :) He does have this cool soothing voice though.. And I remember catching him in a talk show last Christmas, and he has, I think, a good sense of humour. When asked if he had any words for his (ex) girlfriend (who I guess dumped him way before his fame), he said "Neknek mo." That just cracked me up.

Neknek mo.

JUST SLEEPING, FOR THE MOST PART
Must have been my form of rebellion for all the sleepless nights I've been having. It's been friggin' endless. And I know it's part of my job, but I have been asking for help for so long, because there's simply no way, that I can do everything on my list, not even if I split myself into two. Three maybe. I have never complained before. Not about my workload. Or my salary. But I guess, some things just shake you up.. like, yeah, staying up almost 24x7. I kid not! And I guess my manager has finally noticed, and he has sensed all the pain I've been feeling. We had a good hopeful conversation, one that will at least help me last through the next few months, until I can go where I wanna go..

Unica Hija was also talking about signs in her blog, though totally unrelated to my post.. "You won't really see the signs if you're not ready to notice them.." Makes sense, what she said.

OF SPEED BUMPS
Funny how in a span of a few days, your perspective changes. Now the curse of a great love, is just plainly, the curse. lol.

Seriously, though, I did some thinking the last few days (yeah, I've been doing this a lot), and I realized, it's time for action. Much to my disappointment, and perhaps to others, I admit, I've just been scared. I won't go list down all my fears, because there sure is plenty, but the thing is, if you lump them all together, it will become nothing but a speed bump. And all I need to do is go over it. Then go cruise along.

So today, I finally got back to working on what I had started maybe three years back.. It's something I know I want to pursue. I backed out then, using my work as an excuse, but really that was all it was. An excuse.

Now there's no more room for that in my life. So much for making excuses for myself. And specially, making excuses for others. I was gifted with some amount of wisdom, and I better use it in all aspects of my life.

You know when there's thorn stuck in your finger, and eventually it stops being painful but it's still there? So you ignore it but then soon it becomes worse because of an infection? Surely, you had the wisdom to remove the thorn in the first place, right? When something is where it shouldn't be, then by all means, get rid of it.

And so first things first. I'll remove all the thorns before it gets worse (can it get any worse than this? haha). It's going to be ugly.... and I'm probably going to miss it being there.. But just for a while. Soon, I'll be more than grateful.

Sans thorns and excuses, I'll be ready soon to pursue this goal of mine. It's not a quickie plan and it will involve some amount of waiting, and some more sacrifice (which means, I'll have to gather the strength to at least like what I'm currently doing), because in no time, and God-willing, I will finally be on the right track.

Of course, plans change, and goals, too.. But for now, I'm fairly certain that I'm sticking to this one.

Maybe it doesn't hurt to believe in signs, sometimes.

SHOULD I BELIEVE IN SIGNS?
We've just recently got our high school batch yahoogroups into action, and I discovered more than half our class are now based abroad. A few friends were asking why I'm still here, and not pursuing a career abroad. Truth be told, even back when there was an exodus of engineers going to the States, I still vehemently said, I'm staying. Blame it perhaps on my sense of patriotism (what's left of it), my love for my family (because I cannot be away from them for sooooooo long), and of course, this so-called comfort zone.

I've been living half of my independent life outside the country, whenever I have work assignments, and I admit, there are a lot of perks.. But at the end of the day, I will always miss the fact that if I feel hungry, I can always go to my favorites tapsilogan or call delivery, or that whenever I feel like getting back to my roots, it's just an hr plane ride away.

But if I have to be practical about it, why suffer through the low salary, corrupt government and poor health services?

Today, I received an email from my younger sis re an opening abroad. A high school friend, based on Australia, also text'd me out of the blue, asking if I ever considered working out of the country.. All within an hour of each other.

Which got me thinking again. Is this a sign? I have actually almost decided to go settle down in Oregon last December, although personal circumstances have made me change my decision.

But now, given that I am not really happy with my job anymore, and deng it, I'm almost 30 and still trying to find my place under the sun, maybe I should go for it. And with the upcoming elections, and the danger that our country will again fall into the wrong hands, I just might.

OF FEBRUARIES AND KITKATS
"Gawd, I'm scared as a cat, but better scared than sorry. " - Me, Feb '03

Even after a roller coaster ride that began this month a year ago, I still believe that. No regrets. Not even after all the tears.

And maybe you can blame kitkats for that. :)

----------------------------
Wow, it's the 2nd month of the year already! Everything seems to be on fast track lately. Well, not everything. And it's back to school time, too! To go or not to go. I'm way too swamped, but I don't wanna delay this MBA much further. It will be my stepping stone to anywhere but here. Because I'm not sure how long I can sustain all this. I'm this close to a breakdown. Just way too much crap at work. Even my happy childhood cannot save me.

I.need.to.get.away.

As far as possible.