MORE ABOUT LOVE
Jann is one of my favorite writers ever.. and her November 21 entry speaks of something we can all relate to.. LOVE, of course... What else do I ever talk about in this blog anyways? :)

"I know that love is all of it. It is the whole of the universe and the whole of me. And if that love is only for a moment, then it is the moment I shall savour and take with me on my way. I will not remain bitter and hopeless, but rather I shall live with the bravery and the desire to march onward in search of something I may never ever find. I have made so many mistakes. I have been wrong so many times. I have lost so many things and people. But once in awhile, God does grant me the serenity to let me feel something beyond my own humanity; the love that whispers inside of my soul, the love that says it is alright to not be perfect. I can live with that. I cannot live without it." - Jann

ON WHY I STILL LOVE THIS COUNTRY
Back in college, while kids my age were already talking about moving out of the country to look for greener pastures, I was busy being idealistic, being patriotic in my own college kid way. Such idealism almost cost me my degree and my honors but it was all worth it. I love this country with all my heart. Not only because I was born here. If I had been given a choice, I'd still want to become Filipino. I have worked with different cultures, and though there are a lot of things to be said about Filipino culture, it is by far, one of the best that I love. Ok, I admit, I loved Costa Rica, and in the back of my mind, I feel that I belong there, but when asked why, I would always say, "eh, parang Pinas din dun eh!"..

Anyhoo, I won't be hypocritical to say I've never even thought about moving to the U.S. I have had a taste of what a good government is like, and seen how, when taxes are used as per their purpose, a country can really move forward. Specially lately when I'm already starting to feel the impact of gasoline prices and toll fee increases, when I didn't use to. Ironically, I'm making more money now than I did 3 or 4 years ago. And if I'm making more money, and yet everyday it seems more and more difficult to cope with all my living expenses, it only means that something is not quite right. So lately I've been entertaining thoughts about trying my luck in the States. Half of me is convinced it's the practical thing to do. But my heart, well, it belongs here. How can I want to leave this place? All I ever dream of when I'm in the U.S. is to feel sand under my feet, see long stretches of white sand beaches, to feel the sun slightly burn my skin, every single day.. The novelty of snow has since faded away, and I'd rather sweat than freeze to death. This land is my birthright, while there, I am just a second-class citizen, being looked down by some people because of the color of my skin. This is where my family is, where my parents taught me sound values. And I love that I can be eighteen and have the freedom to be my own person, without necessarily earning the right to disrespect the two loving people who have brought me up, clothed and fed me.

On a much lighter note, I love that I can go out at night and party till whenever, with real friends, and not just drinking buddies.. I love that I can eat tapsilog after a drinking session. Like now........ Just came back from going out with friends.. We hung out in Chef and Brewer, then at 90 Proof.. and suddenly it's 3AM and we are still happily bantering away and not have to worry about political correctness or cultural booboos... I love that here I can just be myself. Because this is ... HOME..

I don't know what the plight of our country will be in the (near) future. I still think I don't wanna have children until I will know for sure I can raise them safely and I am able to give them a decent life. But in the meantime, I will try my best to help this country in whatever small way I can. I don't need to join rallies and revolutions (ok, maybe, if it comes down to that)... But I can be a good citizen and start by exercising my rights.. Which of course, includes my right to vote. No matter what happens, at least, I will know, I've done something to help this country, my country.

LATE NIGHT CONVERSATION
Another restless night. Had a late conversation with you, good friend, you. :) Key takeaway messages::

"You should really try not to fall in love so easily..."
"Kala ko pa naman you handle loneliness so well..."
"Think about it 100x times if you have too!!"
"Do you think you'll be happy there??"
"Safe yun, basta dami lang water..." :P
"I just wanna drink and get wasted.." amen to that
"I wanna walk with sand under my feet" always!! galera tayo or boracay! malaspascua, bohol..
"I wanna make love on the beach" hehehehe

Ay, di pala kasali yung last.. lol.. Anyhoo... I guess, under the cloak of darkness, one is really able to let out the deepest thoughts and feelings, even if it's painful to do so. I told a lot of people that I've accepted that I'm going to be single for life, after failing repeatedly.. But at the end of the day, like most normal people, I need love... the kind that makes you wanna live... breathe and feel too much...

I've been feeling lonely lately.. that's why I daydream of home and the beach too much.. And it's scary because I just wanna pack up and start over. Leave everything behind because I may not be able to stand all this.. emptiness. I miss my family so much.. I miss talking to my sister and brother till the dawn breaks.. I miss eating in a table for six... and with actual people sitting on all the chairs.. And yeah, I miss him.. Or maybe it's the idea of a "him"... Because the truth is, my picture of him has become so blurry I could not really tell anymore if he was ever real or not.. My head keeps telling me he was just a figment of my imagination.. And my heart could not comprehend that... Stupid foolish heart, eh..

And I'm weird because the more lonely I feel, the more I shun away people. I've been ignoring invites to go out. I've completely alienated this sweet sweet guy who stood by me, and patiently waited by the sidelines.. Maybe I'm just scared.. Or stubborn. Or both. I dunno. I just don't know anymore.

Haay, I've better things to worry about. Some people would say loneliness is just a state of mind. But today, is yet another day that I'm succumbing to this ... haplessness. Nyeta. Baby (daw oh!! hehe)!! Schedule na natin "kape" session natin, k? :)

I DAYDREAM ABOUT IT, HE LIVES IT :)
I was kinda feeling sad again today about a lot of things... about failed marriages and loves that turn out to be a sham.. Sad about my closest uncle who had a stroke while the family was celebrating my late lola's birthday.. Ironically, it was the first time in a long time that all my mom's brothers and sisters got together because politics and family properties caused a rift along the way.. I called up the 'rents today and my bro' and they were all by my uncle's side.. He is in a comma and in very critical condition.. I cried while talking to them. And I want to go home. But I can't. Maybe I could but that probably means I can't go back anymore for Christmas.. And it's killing me because money is an issue nowadays. It has never been.. And I didn't wanna cry anymore. So I dreamt of home. I dreamt of peace and calm..

Then I visited my old friend's site.. And somehow seeing his pictures made me feel better. It's not home but close. Yeah, I daydream about the sun. He got to live it :) Nindot kaayo imong pictures, Ren!! Suya ko and mingaw na ko Cebu and Bohol!! :)

SAVED BY THE BELL!!
Yet, another thing to be thankful for. My prof just announced that our final paper prez is resked to next week!!Thank high heavens! Because it's less than 24hrs vs the original sked and I still don't have a paper to speak for. I thought I will be burning the midnight candle tonight..

I know. I just got lucky. I promise never to procastinate again.

Still, I feel like hugging everyone I meet today :)

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!
Well, not yet too late.. Right about now people are preparing their turkey dinners halfway across the world.. Petitochips!! Missing you gravely!! Our gimiks here are not the same without you... :)

Happy thanksgiving, y' all!!

As for me, yes, still so many things to be thankful for.

... I'm thankful even with another increase in gasoline prices and 30% (?) increase in SLEX toll fee because it means I have a car.. while hundred kids around me walk in barefoot to get around..
... I'm thankful for my delivery or processed meat dinners, because it means I have food to eat while millions everyday are dying of hunger..
... I'm thankful for the stress at work, because it means I have a job and a means of living while others are either jobless or have to resort to lesser decent jobs just to get by...
... I'm thankful for broken hearts and broken promises because these experiences have made me stronger and has taught me to discern what is real and what is not...
... I'm thankful for angry people because it makes me understand better that all I want is peace and a peaceful life and it makes me wanna do everything to achieve that..
... And of course, I'm always, always thankful for my LOVED ONES.. to all my true friends, and to my family who have been there for me, every step of the way, if I sometimes shun them away and they have shown me what love is all about.....

NO MORE SPECULATIONS, HE'S DOING IT
OMG! God help us.

FOR ALL MY LOVED ONES... :)
Have A Little Faith In Me Lyrics
by Mandy Moore

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Let my love throw a spark
Have a little faith in me

And when the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try baby and
Have a little faith, faith in me

Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me, oh and
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith, faith in me

When your secret heart
Cannot speak so easily
Come here baby, from a whisper start
To have a little faith in me

And when your back's against the wall
Just turn around and you, you will see
I will catch your, I will catch your fall just
Have a little faith, faith in me

Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith, faith in me

I've been loving you for such a long, long time
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me
You see time, time is our friend
Cos the rest is the end
All you gotta do is have a little faith

I will hold you up, I will hold you up and
Your love gives me strength enough to
Have a little faith in me
Oh faith, darlin'

Have a little faith in me
Oh, faith

WASAP POR YOU?
Dear Mr. Rex-
Wasap for you?

You made me laugh hysterically tonight, almost non-stop for two hours. You made me forget that I did so badly in my finals today. Or the fact that up to this hour, I still do not have a final paper. Or that I have an ex who is kind one minute and so mean the next instant. Or work that is just draining every bit of my energy.

Will you be my friendster? I think you are my soulmate. Because you are funny, and you look like someone who can chase away my sadness. Please, Mr. Rex? I will help you pack dat sheet.

Mmmmmm... I'm not a guilty Catholic girl. If you make me kagat, I'll make you kagat, too. You will no longer need to go to a Libis "comfort room" to get a free massage. In return, I just ask for you to make me laugh more often.

Laughter is good for the soul, they say. And you are just so damn good in making people laugh. Come back soon, ok?

Waiting por you,
Maritess

BACK AGAIN :)
Hmmm... someone I barely know just gave me a pack of one of my favorites --- Cadbury white chocolates.. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by the sweetness some people show me. Makes one's heart smile a little :)

* * * *
We had our department teambuilding this afternoon and it was a good way to cap the stressful week. It's been the most fun I had with folks from work since I got back. I just notice how competitive I can really get. We had this game where we needed to connect to each other via rubber bands to form shapes.. At one point, we were told to form a T but my manager heard B. So he went off doing his own thing. I started screaming "T, T" to him, and dragged all his 6'sumthing frame to my side so we'd win the round.. I'm barely 5' tall.. Hahaha..

More good news at work, our crises was finally resolved after 28hrs. Yey. That means I'll have more than 3 hrs sleep tonight. Cross fingers. :)

* * * *
"All you need is love, is a lie cause
We had a love but we still said goodbye
Now we're tired, battered fighters
And it stings when it nobody's fault
Cause there's nothing to blame" - Split Screen Sadness by John Mayer

RELAPSE
I.can't.stay.away.from.this.blog. :)

Ok, so I'm not really back, back. I still need some time away.. A lot of time actually to finally get all the ugliness I feel out of my system... That plus I'm mulling over a major, life-altering decision.

Anyhoo, I was happily lost in slumber since 9PM (woo hoo.. insomnia is gone!) but was woken up by this drunken neighbor shouting his lungs out. As in. I bet the whole Makati community heard him. Ok. Exag.. Anyway, now I'm having difficulty getting back to sleep. Argh. And thus the relapse :p I'll be heading for work in a bit... So I'll try to get back to sleep..

UPDATE::: Feh. Angry drunken neighbor was replaced angry cellphone calls from work. Deng. Now I'm troubleshooting with some other folks.. How am I supposed to wake up at 4AM then go to work at 5AM??? It's two AM now gadamit.

I'll leave with these parting words from Madonna (Waiting) ---------

""Well, I know from experience
That if you have to ask for something more than once or twice
It wasn't yours in the first place
And that's hard to accept when you love someone
And you're led to believe in their moment of need
That they want what you want but they don't" "

BUT THEN AGAIN...
Maybe I can just skip the grieving part, and spare my parents from the heartache over seeing their daughter devastated. I know I have it in me to numb myself and use my head. Somehow, over the last few hours of sulking, I realized my pain is not as important as helping my loved ones.. my parents, most specially.. And I hope to do just that. No. I'll make it my life's mission to do just that..

And yeah, no goodbyes, Junnie :) Until then...

GOING AWAY FOR SOME SUN
Will be on hiatus for a while. This blog has become my drug of choice, my way of escaping the ugly realities of my life in the guise of coping with it. But the magic is slowly wearing off and I need, so badly, to get my life back on track. For the nth time in the last few months, I failed to make myself get out of this sanctuary, or more like a hideout, really. I had to ask myself if there was a reason for me to wake up. And like every too often, I ran out of reasons.

I did a lot of thinking and decided I'm just tired of trying to be strong most days... It's hard to pretend to be ok, when deep inside you're just in utmost turmoil. I mostly get by, but there are days like this when I have to face that girl in the mirror who is weak and sad and hurting. And I cannot run away from her. I'll take a break from school next term, and after this term is over, I'm going to ask for a couple of weeks off from work as well. If I had extra money, I would fly off somewhere far, but in the end, I'd also rather just go home. Home to my parents. And just let things flow. I will deal with the pain without any pressure to put up a strong facade or to have to deal with work and school at the same time. I need to just acknowledge that I'm not superhuman, and in doing this, I'm not being a loser, but just being normal in trying to deal with some things that I cannot do on my own. I need to be surrounded by people who love me, I mean in its truest sense, not because I can do something for them in return. I need to accept that weakness, but only in order for me to find my strength again. I need to be humble in saying, I just need to grieve, not be ashamed to show it to other people. Because sometimes people just expect too much. They think that because I'm a feisty gal, I don't get my heart broken. They think because I succeed in most other things, that I don't fail in the one thing that I once thought was the most important thing in my life. I just need to wallow without thinking about how my engineers are doing, or worrying about my school paper and things like that. I'm tired of going out at night, just to show everyone that, hell, I can do this moving on bit, without batting an eyelash. I just want to get real without feeling bad about it. I just want to take down that mask and not be afraid of the consequences. Just for a while. Until I find myself waking up without the heaviness I feel right this moment. I'll back soon, hopefully a better and stronger person. Or just back to who I used to be before all this.

SERENDIPITY IS JUST A MOVIE
A few weeks ago, I was in Megamall to meet one of my best friends, Doc A. I was walking towards Powerbooks, where we were supposed to meet (but some time after somehow changed to National and I got confused), while on the phone trying to call her, when this guy suddenly came up to my side muttering something. Guess he was asking for directions, and I just kept walking and shook my head.. I was on the phone, see, and I didn't really notice he'd been following me, until I was in Powerbooks, and heard him say something again.. I finally looked at him. He looked young (well, younger than I) and was wearing glasses. Meaning, not your stereotype rapist/mugger, what-have-you. Kinda cute, actually. Sort of. Whatever. Anyhoo, I began to panic so I kept walking, not really knowing what he wanted, and stopped a few meters before a security guard. Just in case. See, I still have not reached Doc A, and didn't know where she was, so I had to start looking for her. And well, strange guy was still there. He finally told me he just wanted to meet me, and apologized for coming up to me, but "I saw you walking by and you are so pretty, and I just felt I had to meet you".. After that I got really freaked out so I told him I had to go. I went to National bookstore, and he just kept on walking with me... I figured if he wanted to rob me, he would have done so already, so I didn't think it was time to report him to security just yet. Still no Doc A in National, so I started browsing thru some books just to pretend I was busy. I finally decided to buy something, just to keep moving.. This book on relationships. Something. In between, strange guy managed to introduce himself, and still apologizing for what he's doing but he just had to meet me. I didn't know how to fend him off. After the purchase, Doc A mercifully showed up, and I kept giving her an eye signal, which unfortunately, she didn't understand... For some reason, she thought he was an ex or something, and walked ahead of us while heading out to our final destination. SG by this time was asking for my number, and I hastily gave him one of my older ones.. because I panicked too much to think of some fake number. He also asked to look at my book, then later told me he'll borrow it, so that I'll be forced to see him some other time. It cost a couple hundred bucks and some more, so I guess, a small price to pay for my sanity. Or safety, for that matter, so I just said yeah.. He finally walked away, and I caught up with Doc A and explained to her what happened. All she could say was "OMG. I'm so sorry. I didn't know". Oh well, the moral of this story is, even if I believe in fate to a certain extent, I just don't buy the idea that "THE ONE" could be a total stranger who just happened to pass by . You know. Serendipity, is after all, just a movie.

ULTIMATE REGGAE PARTY

Xaymaca's "ultimate reggae party" will showcase artists/bands like Brownman Revival, Noel Cabangon (reggae??, umh, ern, not that I'd mind him being there.. but just seems out of place), Session Road, etc.. Woohoo. The catch? It's on the 24th. Monday. I never go out on weekdays anymore. Maybe just this once? We'll see. :)

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Speaking of bands, guess who has a new band? The former E'heads main man, of course, Ely Buendia. Also, in the Mongols is a former Teeth member (of Laklak fame), giving the band's sound something familiar, yet ultimately unique. Their first single, Bulakbol, has been getting a lot of airplay, and it reminds me of the pre/ultraelectromagneticpop era when you can just hang out in places like Mayric's and Club Dredd and not care about anything much except school (or board exams, at that time) and some silly young love problems. Back when we were broke yet happy. No worries about taxes, rent, amortization, annulments/divorces, marriages and career moves. I think this is what the Mongols has to offer, some of that nostalgia, a reminder of those youthful, carefree times :)

I MADE MYSELF A PROMISE
... that I'll never be that person who will only appreciate family after they're gone forever...

I feel kinda sad.. bec. I think my older sis is tampo with me.. After all, I'm the sister who never got to see her newly-born nephew in the hospital, or the sister who snubbed her Ate's birthday to be somewhere else. At that time, I had thought I made the right choice. In hindsight, I could have saved myself all the trouble, and not put myself at risk driving back alone, had I only not been so stubborn in listening to what he has been trying to tell me, directly or indirectly.

Anyhoo, so I told her last night I'll dropy by their house later, after class, because it's the bday of another nephew. And she said she'll just let me know if they're there because "WE might eat out, eh"... She didn't ask if I wanted to go. Just assumed I guess that I will be busy with something else, or be with someone else's family. And I know I said I never want to regret anything I do in my life, but just learn from whatever mistakes I did, but I feel a bit of that right now. My family has ALWAYS been there for me. And I always go back to them, whenever life does not go so well for me. They are the ones who love me unconditionally. The ones who accept me for who I am, not for what I can do for them... They are my stars, I know they are always watching over me, because I've been living on my own for what - 7 years now........

I cannot take back what I did. I just feel so sorry because in choosing to pursue other things, I had hurt them. And it's time to reconnect with them. I vow to think more clearly the next time around. I promise to always show them how much they mean to me. I promise.

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Ah, feeling a bit tired now. But was not able to send out my report earlier because the network was sooooooooo slow and someone had sent out a 4MB report. What's up with that? Grrr.... It took forever to download, till I figured it was time to give up. And all I really want to do now is sleep. But can't, not yet, as I missed the deadline again. Darn. Two in a row. I promise to get my act together na. So my personal life is a wreck. I can't have the other things in my life destroyed, too.

Good thing the management presentation went well. I got a pat in the back and the warning that "It will be a challenging year for you. We are counting on you guys for our earnings!".. I've heard that way quite a number of times already. Some of us are getting sick of the "challenges" already that we're on the verge of forming a secret society, aptly named "I hate ________ (insert project name here)".. :D Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean that we don't work our asses off, because, we do. At the end of the day, no matter how the going gets rough, we still love what we do. We thrive on problems.. What can I say, aren't we a bunch of geeks, after all? :p

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I also promise to not get hooked on sleep aide. That I'll only take one if I'm really desperate. Like last night. A nasty headache and swollen eyes later, I still continued to toss and turn in my bed, I went out of the bedroom, trying to decide how to finally give myself some rest. I would have loved some warm milk, except that I don't have milk, and aside from water, the only other drinks I have are four cans of beer. I was tempted to drink them, except that I had not eaten anything for dinner, and I really didn't want to deal with my hyperacidity on top of everything else. I popped a couple of Advils for my headache and one sleeping-gad-thank-you-pill. And in minutes, my eyes couldn't keep open. And it was all good, until I found out I slept through the alarm once again. I still promise not to get hooked, but I'll have to be on it for a while.. Just until the insomnia goes away again. Otherwise, I might have to move to Cavite. And I don't want to. Even if my pad is not that wonderful, this has been home for two years now (though technically, i was away for more than a year)... And I've been moving a lot over the years, living in the U.S. and back here... And I've come to hate it, along with airports. I wanna stay put this time... Get rooted. I wanna unpack those boxes (yes, they are still packed) and I hope I don't have to pack again for a long, long time......................

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Though I dislike sitting it out in traffic while rain is pouring heavily, I still love rainy nights.. Rains give a lovely backdrop on night outs.. For lack of a better word, romantic. :)

I'M OFF TO FIND SOME LUVIN' :)
Nah, just coffee and maybe some more, on this rainy night... (Kainis, super traffic! 3 hours from Cavite to Makati.. Fridays and rain, very bad combination!!!) But I'm leaving the great indoors, that's for sure :)

But before I go, gotta send my monthly report first, and post this survey I found via Friendster c/o Mark... At first, I thought, I didn't really like an artist that much to know all his songs.. But then, I used to like John Mayer a lot and I still do.. His songs are wonderful. Yeah..

-----------------------------------------
Instruction: Choose a singer/band/musician and answer only in song titles or album titles by them:

I choose: John Mayer

1. Are you male or female?
==> My Stupid Mouth
"I said too much again.."

2. How old are you?
==> Why Georgia Why
"It might just be a quarter-life crisis, or a stirring of the soul"

3. Describe yourself:
==> No Such Thing
"I am invincible, as long as I'm alive…" :-)

4. How do some people feel about you?
==> Not Myself
"And there are times I lose my worried mind.."

5. How do you feel about yourself?
==> 83
"and these days I wish I was 6 again…"

6. Describe your ex boyfriend:
==> Back to You
"I'm sleeping in my bed, with your silhouette..."

7. Describe your views on significant others and crushes:
==> Love Song for No One
"I'm tired of being alone, so hurry up and get here.."

8. Describe what you want:
==> Bigger Than My Body
"Some day I'll be so damn much more…"

9. Describe how you live:
==> Something's Missing
"I'm dizzy from the shopping mall, I searched for joy but I bought it all.."

10.Describe how you love:
==> Your Body Is A Wonderland
"I'll never let your head hit the bed, without my hand behind it.."

11. Share a few words of wisdom:
==> Great Indoors
"So go unlock the door, and find what you are here for… Pls. leave the great indoors…"

WHAT A LOVELY WAY TO SAY GOODBYE...
Tonight someone sent me these words.. Funny, I've never heard these songs before :)

GOD ONLY KNOWS
by Beach Boys

I may not always love you
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
I'll make you so sure about it
God only knows what I'd be without you
If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on, believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me?
God only knows what I'd be without you

------------------------------------
WE KISS IN A SHADOW
from the King and I OST

We kiss in a shadow,
We hide from the moon,
Our meetings are few,
And over too soon.

We speak in a whisper,
Afraid to be heard;
When people are near,
We speak not a word.
Alone in our secret,
Together we sigh,
For one smiling day to be free
To kiss in the sunlight
And say to the sky:
"Behold and believe what you see!
Behold how my lover loves me!"

------------------------------------
I like how she said this:

"For one, pain has no timetable. The emotional tug of war between sadness and joy goes on. But allow yourself to feel every emotion to its fullest extent. Don't rush anything. Before you know it, you will reach a point when you will no longer feel alone even when you hear the silence."

------------------------------------
And lastly, I pray, dear Lord, please let this be the last night, that I'll ever have to cry myself to sleep...

RESTLESS AGAIN, OBVIOUSLY
Third entry for today. I'm on a roll! :)

I've been cooped up in my apartment for two days. So I'm bored, naturally. It started when I just didn't feel like going to work. Depressive mood, you see. And towards mid-day yesterday, I actually got sick. Sneezing like crazy, feeling a bit feverish, splitting headache. Hmm, power of the mind. My manager was sympathetic but I had a deadline yesterday. And wasn't able to complete it because I was groggy, and really, when you're sick, your mind wanders a lot. Hard to come up with a management prez that way. And this morning when I woke up, I was feeling much worse. Started missing mom, and began to cry. Yeah, I'm such a baby like that. Only when I get sick. I already called home last night, I called my friends. Really I just needed to be taken care of.

I logged in work for a while, hoping to get moving with my prez but my mind just refuses to work. I popped some pills, got drowsy, and found myself drifting to sleep most of the day. Deng. My phone just rang, and I refused to go near it, thinking it might be the Boss, ready to scream at me for missing my deadline. Fortunately it was just my engineer. And now I just wanna turn the phone off so I could go about in peace for the rest of the night.

Anyways, I was hungry and wanted to go out to grab food. Started dressing up. Dabbing on some lipstick because I looked so pale. But as soon as I walked out the door, I began to feel a bit woozy, so I figured, hell, another tuna dinner really isn't so bad. Though right now I'm pretending to be sipping some hot soup.

I can't even watch TV because I don't have cable (one of my cost-cutting thingies). I dunno what's going on with the rest of the world. And really, I feel so selfish just talking about myself and how I feel in this blog. I wanna talk about something else, but I'm too caught up in my own drama.

Oh well.

MAYBE, WHEN IT HAS TO COME DOWN TO THAT
I should just become angry. Angry at him. At myself. Instead of being such a sad, tortured soul so I can finally get out from this pit of despair.

But in the end, I don't wanna end up with a bitter, angry heart. It's already broken as it is. I guess, time is my only ally right now. In time, I will know how to say, enough is enough and truly, truly mean it.

A TEXT MESSAGE BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE LETTER L

"Di ka ba natatawa? Kung kelan malaki na sinusweldo natin, dun pa tayo naging mas malungkot."

We are such sad souls. :)

REPEAT MODE
My life has been stuck on repeat nowadays, pretty much like my "Art of Letting Go" CD. No matter how much I inch forward, I get dragged back to square one. Why, why, do I allow myself to be stuck here? I feel like I'm in a coma. I'm breathing but life has snucked out on me. Perhaps I'm waiting for others to pull the plug.. Because no matter how much I try to come out of this, I just can't seem to do it. I want to live again, I really do. But here I am again, hiding away in my apartment, refusing to see the sun that is shining outside. But hey, at least I can eat well now.. I ordered delivery from North Park.. A feast, compared to my last few deliveries from Tapa King and McDonalds :) Those fried prawn dumplings never fail to cheer me up.. After cutting on my expenses for a while now, so I could help someone else, I decided to treat myself today. I have given so much to others.. I felt like I deserved a delicious meal. It was a symbolic act, of course, no matter how babaw. Time to be a bit selfish again. Heck, I couldn't even afford to get my eyebrows shaped... I figured that someone else's need was so much greater than getting rid of stray hair. Nevertheless, I don't think I have any more to give. I am drained. More emotionally than anything else. And I want to pamper myself. I need a real vacation. Somewhere far away. Where pain is a stranger, and deceit unwelcome.

Today, I'm dreaming of a long stretch of white sand beach... I'm walking barefoot as waves splash all the way to my ankles... I sit down under a tree... read a good book while sipping a pina colada.. I feel the breeze brushing my cheeks, the sun against my skin... And I could hear nothing but the sound of silence... Peace.

PASENSIYA NA PO MGA KAPATID :)
... at mejo lyric posting mode muna ako ngayon....

THE ART OF LETTING GO
by Mikaila

Put away the pictures.
Put away the memories.
I put over and over
Through my tears
I've held them till I'm blind
They kept my hope alive
As if somehow that I'd keep you here
Once you believed in a love forever more?
How do you leave it in a drawer?

Now here it comes, the hardest part of all
Unchain my heart that's holding on
How do I start to live my life alone?
Guess I'm just learning,
Learning the art of letting go.

Try to say it's over
Say the word goodbye.
But each time it catches in my throat
Your still here in me
And I can't set you free
So I hold on to what I wanted most
Maybe someday we'll be friend's forever more
Wish I could open up that door

Now here it comes, the hardest part of all
Unchain my heart that's holding on
How do I start to live my life alone?
Guess I'm just learning,
Learning the art of letting go

Watching us fade
What can I do?
But try to make it through
The pain of one more day
Without you

Where do I start, to live my life alone?
I guess I'm learning, only learning,
Learning the art of letting go.

SOME THINGS GET LOST
by Alice Peacock

I dialed your number on the phone yesterday,
Thinkin' you would answer, and then I remembered.
A conversation we had had not so long ago,
Talkin' about our love, and why we let it go.
We both agreed the timin' wasn't right.
And you said somethin', I'll never forget that night.

Some things get lost, some things just disappear,
But not my love for you, I'll keep that close and near.
Some things just fade like scars and dreams,
I've got your heart right here with me.

You said you'd realized in life that chances pass you by,
And what you thought was yours, slowly fades before your eyes.
And part of growin' up, is that you can't go back in time.
You have to live with your regrets, the things you leave behind.
And we agreed to be the best of friends.
"Let's talk real soon, I gotta go" you said.

Some things get lost, some things just disappear,
But not my love for you, I'll keep that close and near.
Some things just fade like scars and dreams,
I've got your heart right here with me.

Flyin' to Seattle when I heard the news.
I can't believe you're gone, not the light I knew.

Some things get lost, some things just disappear,
But not my love for you, I'll keep that close and near.
Some things just fade like scars and dreams,
I've got your heart right here with me.

I dialed your number on the phone yesterday,
Thinkin' you would answer, and then I remembered.

"Being challenged in life is inevitable, being defeated is optional." - Roger Crawford

This is what I have in my Outlook signature. Yes, I definitely have a challenging life right now. Sometimes, I feel, a little bit too challenging. But people always tell me, God won't give us challenges that we cannot handle. That gives me comfort. That, plus this inner strength and resilience that has kept me going over the years. I refuse to be defeated. Or worn down. Or broken. Sometimes, I will break down, but I will never let all this break my spirit. That is not an option. And that is a promise.

AND SO GOES ANOTHER SONG

Letting Go
from the soundtrack of Dawson's Creek Vol I

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that
We needed
Some time and space to breathe

I still recall the words you said to me
It's what you did not say that sets me free
Now how can I find peace of mind when you keep coming back again?
It's okay for you to play this game of seesaw with my head

Now it hurts too much
And it hits too hard
And I won't play this part

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that
We needed
Some time and space to breathe

So now I say the things I want to say
Sometimes it's better letting go this way
I'll always know
Down in my soul
We really had so far to go
I've given all I had to give
And now it's time for me to live
And I won't look back
And I won't regret
Though hurts like hell
Someday I will forget

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that
We needed
Some time and space to breathe

To say that you've been thinkin
Cause I know it's just the drinkin

It's funny how we seem to end up here
I never thought I'd see this soul disappear

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that
We needed
Some time and space to breathe

And this is letting go
This is letting go
This is letting go
This is letting go

THINGS COULD BE BETTER
But I'm getting by. I don't have any choice but to get by. There are too many things I need to work on. After being gone for a week at work, there are sooooo many things to catch up on! I'm just thankful that my engineers did such a wonderful job covering me. So much so that I think I can quit my job na pretty soon and no one would stop me... Hehehe... School, on the other hand, is another story.. Next week na our final exams and there is so much ground to cover! Our paper is due in two weeks, and I don't even know what my case study will be... But, I'm proud to say, that even after my panic attack and after one absence, I still got a 3.5 grade last midterms.. Top 5 pa sa midterm exams.. Hehe ;)

I just wish the rest of the things in my life would be better soon... I'm still so confused. I know I also made a lot of mistakes in my last relationship but do I deserve to be punished forever? For now, sleep is my only solace.

THE LONG DRIVE HOME
"Yesterday, I cried, ...
for all the days, for all the ways, and all the times I had dishonored, disrespected, and disconnected my Self from myself,
only to have it reflected back to me in ways others did to me..." - Iyanla Vanzant, Yesterday, I Cried

When he didn't come as he promised, I should have stuck to my gut feel and stayed here. He sent his barkada to fetch me. I should just have given them the money he needed and spent my weekend with my family. But I didn't. I didn't visit my sister who just gave birth, didn't go to the family gathering for my other sister's birthday. Instead, I went to him. I really don't fully understand why. I had known since the day he arrived here, and even before that, what I had wanted to know. But I guess I needed to feel and experience it firsthand. The reality already slapped me in the face before, but I guess I needed to be beaten black and blue before I finally packed my bags and leave. I drove back yesterday. Alone. Through three provinces. All 8 hours of it. I got stopped in a checkpoint once, and the officer asked me why I was driving alone and where my husband was. I gave him a weak smile. And as I drove away, I couldn't help the tears from falling. The road started to become blurry before me, and I just drove as fast as I could, hitting one poor chicken on the way, but I didn't want to look back. I just wanted to get away as far as possible, from him, from all the pain.. everything... He didn't even have the decency to come home before I left. Maybe he was afraid to see hatred in my eyes. But all that's really left now is sadness. Because I let this go on as long as it has. Because I kept hanging on to his words, his promises. All empty. Worthless. And now he's saying sorry. For everything in general, but nothing in particular. Is he sorry for all the nights he didn't come home while I was there? Sorry for being with God-knows-who while I lulled his children to sleep, woke up every now and then to get their milk? Sorry for taking a girl somewhere, in my own freaking car, spending more time with her/them instead of being with me? Sorry because I had to hear a woman's laughter in the background while I sat there, amidst his family, before his father's grave, feeling so out of place and so ALONE? Sorry for all the empty promises? Sorry for the lies? Sorry that I kept believing him? Sorry that he played me good? Sorry for what? And in the end, it doesn't matter. I forgive him. It's myself that I have a hard time forgiving. But I'll get there. I was able to find my way home, without a map, without directions. All I did was follow the asphalted road back to where I was supposed to be in the first place. With guts, will, a bit of strength and belief in myself, plus lots of prayers along the way, I made it back safe. With that formula, I think I'll find my way to forgiveness and self-healing... eventually..