IT'S WARM AND I'M SWEATING BUT I DON'T CARE!
Check in at Portland took more than 1 hr. Novice agent, I suppose. Got to the gate via wheelchair. 100% inspection of all passengers. Shoes were taken off. Barely made my flight. No more wheelchair at Seattle. Two good samaritans helped carry my carry-on luggage seeing I was having difficulty moving about. Long line at check in counter at connecting flight. PDX agents did not paste baggage claim tags so had to find Horizon Air attendants. Finally on the way to Narita. Spent layover at lounge. $20 phone call. Non-sensical pictures were taken. Reading about power in Time magazine. 1 hour delay of flight to Manila. Finally boarding time. Ate chicken and rice. First decent meal of the day. Thought balloon: MB's adobo... I miss it already.. And I miss him.. Finally able to get some sleep. Then touchdown. I'm home. And I can feel the humidity. But I don't care. :)

So many planes, but ours was stuck in SanFo for an hour.


So I read...

And read again..

And then it was dark..

LAST DAY, YEY!
Capped my stay here in Oregon with a few spoonfuls of chocolatey treat in a cube. Papa Haydn is known throughout the Northwest as one of the best dessert restaurants ever. Of course, I had to choose a not-so-good-not-to-mention-super-sweet dessert called chocolate cube. Oh well. Next time :)



Ah. Will miss this place.

A NEW LIFE AWAITS
Thanks, Fudz, for playing along with me, when I was pretending to be strong. I actually managed to stop the tears that were threatening to fall again. Thanks for being there. I would feel so utterly broken right now but friends like you just inspire me to aspire to be strong.

One more day. And my new life awaits.

COUP PLOT??
I called the 'rents today to tell them I'm finally coming home. My mom is a bit worried. What with the super typhoon the other day, and now the coup plot brewing in Oakwood (yikes, ang lapit sa bahay!!) and the rebels rigging explosives and stuff..

For updates on the coup plot, go read Mark's post.

Home sweet home.

QUESTIONS
If you are in a committed relationship, say engagement or even marriage...

1. Is (cyber)chatting (complete with tampuhan, pa-cute, etc) with an ex just "harmless" flirtation? Or is it a segue to something "harmful"?
2. Is (cyber)chatting (or any form of communication, for that matter) with an ex, who is now a good friend, for advise, a no-no?
3. Are cybersex, phone sex, oral sex, making out or anything sexual relationship short of actual intercourse, with anyone not your SO (significant other), forms of cheating?
4. Are email, text or chat exchanges containing sweet nothings (i miss you... luv u...), calling the non-SO some terms of endearment such as dear, honey, love, or what not, again, just "harmless flirtation", if no physical relationship has yet been established?

My take? For question #3, hell yeah, even without actual consummation, any form of sexual relations/encounter is CHEATING. As for non-physical relationships or "virtual" relationships, though may start harmless at first, will eventually lead to emotional attachment, and will leave both parties vulnerable. A physical relationship is a likely next step. And then maybe even a stronger emotional relationship. And yes, having a virtual relationship is still cheating. How can you have a committed relationship with someone, and yet share your deepest secrets or intimacies with another? All communication should be focused for the betterment of your committed relationship.. Wandering elsewhere will just doom it. If not already.

So the next question is, if you find yourself in the situation where your SO is having a virtual relationship(s), would you bail or just confront your SO? What if he/she denies it? That's not an easy decision to make. If he/she has a problem communicating with you, then, that is surely a bad sign. Or he/she may just be a chronic philanderer who cannot be trusted, no matter what. In the end, I say, take care of your own heart. No matter how much you love your SO, love yourself first.

MY FAVORITE THINGS.. LATELY, ANYWAYS

1. Movies
- Bad Boys 2 -> WOW! This movie is so action-packed and yet so hilarious. Will Smith is buff and hot. What else can I say. He's one of my fave actors. I didn't like to morgue scene where they had to harass all those corpses, but closing my eyes for about 10mins is not that big a deal.
- Legally Blonde 2 -> Capitalizing on the dumb blonde cliche and yet not quite overdoing it. And Reese is just so gorgeous. Kakatuwa here powder blue car. And I love her outfits, specially the lavender ensemble in a park scene. I like the sublot of the gay dog couple, too.. So cute :)
- Johnny English -> Ok, so not really a fave but I enjoyed the slapsticks in this movie. Mr. Bean is still a funny man. If you just want mindless fun, this is a good movie to watch.
2. Songs/Bands
- Where is the Love? by Black Eyed Peas. The tune is so catchy plus the song is meaningful, as well. And speaking of this band, while I'm not such a huge hip-hop fan, I liked their album, Elephunk. Plus, I was wonderfully surprised to find a Pinoy track called the APL song which contains snippets of the song Balita by Cesar Banares. Turns out one of the band members is a Filipino, and he is proud to be one at that. Galeng!
3. Lyrics
- Glory of Love by Bette Midler. This is what love is all about. It is not all good. And yet, that's not bad at all. Once we are able to accept this reality, I think, overcoming all the problems in a relationship will come easy.

You've got to give a little, take a little,
and let your poor heart break a little.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.

You've got to laugh a little, cry a little,
until the clouds roll by a little.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.

As long as there's the two of us,
we've got the world and all it's charms.
And when the world is through with us,
we've got each other's arms.

You've got to win a little, lose a little,
yes, and always have the blues a little.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.

4. Food
- MB has been pampering me with his cooking. Steaks, steamed crabs.. YUM! I have definitely gained back the few pounds I lost the first couple of weeks I was recovering. Heh.

5. TV Show
- Ok. I've been closely following the saga of Catindig and Gonzalez, partners in the series Basta't Kasama Kita. In fairness, ABS-CBN shows are improving na talaga.
- Golden Girls -> Even if the main characters are grannies, I can still relate to their characters. Just goes to show that no matter what age we are, women face the same issues such as relationship problems, discrimination and what not. This show is just sobrang funny.

GOING HOME

I finally did receive green light from my surgeon to travel back home. I'm happy kinda sad. Or maybe sad kinda happy. You know how it is. I lived here for a year. This was home for me. I built relationships. I've barely gotten used to the changing of the seasons. And, now I have to go. And I'm leaving someone important behind. Someone who has become a big part of me. And when I go back, I have to unpack, rearrange my stuff. I still have not decided whether to move in with my older sister or continue living on my own. I have to start getting used to the humidity and the floods. I have to call old friends and renew friendships. Get used to sleeping in my own bed. And sleeping alone. And I need to start waking up early again on weekdays to get to work on time. 4AM sounds so foreign at this point, specially when work is just 10mins away. Back to reality. While my reality back home is not bad at all, it is different. And it will take getting used to. Again. And while some things may have remained the same, I've been doing this time and again to know that, for the most part, things have changed. Some for the worse, some for the better. But definitely, things have changed. And for a period of time, however short, I will feel like a stranger in my own home.

Still, I'm going home. And that is always a good thing.

NOT A BAD IDEA AT ALL :p

ST. ANGER

Fuck it all and no regrets
I hit the lights on these dark sets
I need a voice to let myself
To let myself go free
Fuck it all and fuck regrets
I hit the lights on these dark sets
Medallion noose I hang myself
St. Anger round my neck

I feel my world shake
I can't look away
Hard to see clear
Is it me
Or is it fear?

I'm madly in anger with you - aptly sung by Metallica from the song, St. Anger

I AM ONLY HUMAN
And there are days like this where I can say that I really hate my life. I hate what has become of me. I hate everything around me. And can please someone take me out of my misery? I'm too tired to do it myself.

MESS AND CHAOS
Boxes, plastic bags, luggages and all sorts of stuff are lying around in my apartment. It is a picture of both ending and beginning.

I've already packed two large luggages and 5 boxes... SO FAR. A few things still need to be packed. Waah... I really hate packing. And I hate not finding stuff.. Like where are those VS undies???? :p

But I'm also enjoying packing. And I've actually opened some packages only at this time. DVD's, mails, relocation orientation packets. Heh. I'm discovering new things in the process. But of course, there's the growing excitement of finally able to fly back home. (Again, cross fingers!!!)

I feel some kind of sadness, too.. Of course, I liked it here. No doubt, this is one of the better assignments I've had. Costa Rica of course is still #1 in my list, but I digress.

The best and maybe the worst memories are of him.. And I'd still like to think the good outweighs the bad.. I look at him right now and I can still feel that warm fuzzy feeling when I first knew I wanted to be with him... The future is still hazy but one thing I do know is that we need this distance. We need to figure out a lot of things. On our own. In order to find out if we are really meant to be together.

Too much mess and chaos going on. In my apartment. Even at work. Specially in my life.

But, as always, it is all good.

HAPPY TUNE
Was watching A Guy Thing the other night and now this is my LSS (last song syndrome)..

Islands in the stream
That is what we are
No one in between
How can we be wrong
Sail away with me
To another world
And we rely on each other, ah ha - Islands in the Stream

Haay.. wonderful sana if i can relate din to the song para mas masaya... :) Better if we sing this to each other.. Like that movie scene in the church where Selma Blair and that guy sang.. Hahaha.. Baduy.. But I do want to sail away with him still.. Mali kaya yun? Hmmm...

RANDOM THINGS THAT MADE ME SMILE TODAY

* Someone told me today, "I prayed for you last night..." when I most needed to hear it
* Someone telling me "Alam mo, naiiyak ako dun sa kwento mo about what happened during your operation.. ".. Ang sarap ng pakiramdam na may kadamay... lalo na't anlayo ng pamilya ko sa akin...
* Sieggy's kwento about his MBA happenings.. Kaka-miss school ah..
* My officemate's wife and also a friend, ready and willing to help me clean my incision which got infected. It's really difficult to do it on my own unless I pull off some acrobatics :)
* Comments/emails from wonderful people in the blog world... Thank you for your prayers!
* For a brief moment there, I actually believed there is still hope for us..
* Packing!! And I'm about 80% done.. Yey!! Once my surgeon gives his go-signal next week, I'll book the earliest return flight possible.. CROSS FINGERS!!!

SOME THINGS ARE NOT WHAT THEY SEEM
Someday I will tell my story. Somewhere. Somehow. When I am ready.

For now, all I can do is to keep reminding myself not to lose hope. Things shall get better. And I shall strive to always remember the good things. And the good people around me. Who love me for who I am. Who do not say they do yet their actions say otherwise.

The only thing that is keeping me together, or keeping me alive even, is the thought that in a few days, God-willing, I will finally be going home. I will finally get away from all this.

I'm not alone but I'm lonely...

I look at his eyes but they just look right through me...
I hold his hands but they are cold..
I call out his name, but there is no answer.
He is so near. Yet so very far.

The person I love so much is right beside me.

Yet tonight I'm one of the loneliest people in the world...

O.R.



Pix taken via my Samsung V205 phone, a few minutes before the event that's been giving me nightmares up to now :(. The guy on the right was my anaesthesiologist while the female was my nurse.

I should stop being such a baby. I know. But sometimes I can't help it. When I'm sick, I regress into a kid who finds comfort only in the arms of her mom. Or dad.

Nasa Cebu na dapat ako today. It's my mama's birthday. They had a small party yesterday, complete with lechon pa. Yum!

My mom... She was always the stereotypical strict mom but over the years, I've come to appreciate her more and more. She is such a superwoman. She was career-oriented but she always took care of us. She remained strong when the household needed it most. And gawd, how could she have stayed with papa for so long? Haha.. I mean, I love my dad but he is such a handful. But of course, she loved him so much kaya ganun. Sa kanya pa ata ako nagmana in that area ah... :) But maybe it's like that. You try so hard not to become your mother but you still end up the same woman anyways. Ok. Better stop before I start psychobabbling.. Hehe..

I'm in a generally good mood today.. My incision got infected but it's getting better na.. My MB is taking such good care of me... He's been painstakingly doing the dressing and all. Ew. Ouch.

I think pretty soon I'll be ready to go out of the house na and do something fun naman like, er, shopping :)

Have a good weekend, all.

AWAKE
Sometimes, not only do I feel that he does not love me anymore, but he might actually even hate me. And there are nights like this when I wonder where it has all gone --- like the arms that used to hug me tight and gave me so much comfort or his lips that used to kiss me with so much passion...

I know we are going through difficult times. But I hope that we will both come out of this, still the same two persons that we were, when we first knew that we loved each other so much. Or if we have changed at all, only for the better.

I wish this is just the sick, depressed person in me feeling this way right now. But I also know better. And this is one of the things I'll have to face, along with the seemingly million other complications in my life right now.

And there are times that I wish I could just disappear. Or that everything else will just disappear. But yeah, it doesn't work that way.

I'll settle for a peaceful rest then. Even for the night.

E.R. STORY
I was probably only 8 yrs old the last time I was admitted to a hospital. I never wanted to relive that experience again. From that time on, I hated needles and I hated the smell of hospitals..

But I'm not unbreakable. Last week, I went to the ER expecting to go home with pain killer presciption. Instead I was told I needed immediate surgery. And that will go down as one of my frightening hospital visits ever.

I started experiencing pain in my lower abdomen Sunday afternoon last week. I'm no stranger to abdominal pain. I suffer from dysmenorrhea and ulcer, so I didn't really think it was any different this time. I also like to self-diagnose and self-medicate. I researched on the web and tried known home remedies. I was able to control my pain intermittently with Ibuprofen. In fact, the day before my surgery, I was able to spend half a day shopping for pasalubong. I walked slowly due to a little bit of pain, but I got by.

Tuesday morning as I got ready for work, I felt the stabbing pain again. And I knew then something was not quite right. I decided to go Urgent Care thinking it might just be an infection of sorts. But instead I was advised to go to the ER immediately and ask for an ultrasound. By then I was starting to get really scared. And I was still in pain. I had not taken Ibuprofen that day and the doctor didn't prescribe any pain medication either.

In the ER, they took urine and blood samples. They had to poke me several times because my veins were deep and thin.. Meanwhile, my stomach pain was not letting up. After 5 hours in the ER, they finally told me to get dressed and wait for the lab results. 30 minutes after they told me to wear the hospital gown again. They needed more blood samples and this time, they needed to do ultrasound. An hour and a half later, they told me I needed immediate surgery. And now I guess it was a bit flippant, but my response was "Can we do it tomorrow?"... I mean, I was not prepared for that. I didn't know whether I should call my family overseas. It was just way too much for me to process. The doctor gave me a kind of a sad smile and told me "No, sweetie, you could die if we don't do this right away. A nurse will be with you in a bit. I need to make a few calls"..

Soon a nurse was poking me again to set up the IV. A few minutes after that the surgeon came in to explain to me what he'll be doing. Gave me the odds of surviving the surgery, and other possible complications. He told me the surgery would probably only take half an hour.. A little later the anesthesiologist came in. They were all so wonderful. They kept reassuring me everything will be ok... And that they'll take care of me. As soon as they were gone I started crying. Not really knowing what to do. Not understanding how I was feeling at that time. I kept thinking, I cannot go without telling my family how much I love them... And yet I didn't wanna subject my mom and dad to anxiety due to my condition. I settled to telling my younger sis. I asked her to tell our eldest sis and that's it. Ate was a doctor so I figured she'd know if I needed to tell my parents. But she agreed to keeping the secret. So that assured me that I was going to be ok...

Soon the anesthesiologist and a nurse wheeled me to another room where they set up another IV in my left arm. My surgeon came in to say hello and disappeared again. The anesthesiologist kept apologizing for the pain he was causing me as he inserted another huge needle in my arm. I was shaking pretty bad because I was cold and well, I was beyond nervous. I asked how long he will put me to sleep. He said probably 30mins. And I asked if I'll wake up from it, and cheerily he said "Of course".. :) They wheeled me to another room and asked me to scoot to another bed, told me not to move because the bed was really narrow. I looked at a clock, and it was around 8PM. And that was the last thing I remembered.

I woke up hearing voices telling me to stop crying. Yes, I woke up crying. I was probably crying in my sleep. I was in the recovery room and they were monitoring my vital signs. I checked the clock and it was almost 10PM. I tried my best to stop crying, because I did not wish to cry in the first place. It seemed like a reflex. Just like when you wake up from a bad dream. As soon as I calmed down, I managed to say a quick thanks to Him for taking care of me. And thanked Him for the wonderful people who took care of me as well. The nurses were talking to me. Telling me I'll be fine. That I'm doing good. I asked for MB. They told me he's waiting for me outside.. Half an hour later they wheeled me to my room.. The worst was over.

The hospital stay was not bad at all. All the nurses were great. They checked on me every half an hour. I liked my bed too. All the controls to the inclination, lights and TV were within arms reach. My officemates visited me the following day, and there is really no better medicine than laughter because that night, I only asked for pain medication once. The nurse was even worried and asked me if I really didn't need any morphine shots bec. it's been hours. :)

I would have been on my way back to the Phils. today had it not been for the emergency surgery. Instead, I'm "at home" recovering. I have difficulty moving around. Still in so much pain. I'm practically disabled. And sometimes I cry at night when I remember what I went through. I surely have a lot to deal with still. But in spite of all that, I know I am still blessed. Someone is taking good care of me. I have a very good team. A supportive manager. And loving friends and family. I really couldn't ask for more.

FEEL NO PAIN?
Which would you choose: ride on a train, dance in the rain or feel no pain? - The Recruit

The first answer that came to my mind, feel no pain. Ironically, people around me have been telling me I seem to have a high tolerance for pain. Maybe I'm underestimating myself. Or maybe I just have so much already, so I don't want to feel anymore pain.

But pain is part of life. Specially, my life.

The other day, I just endured one of the painful experiences I've ever gone through. I went through a major surgery, and not only is it physically painful (I was poked more than 15 times literally, not to include the actual surgery), but it took a toll on me emotionally and psychologically, maybe even physiologically.

No matter how old we get, the first thing that ever comes to mind is to be with your loved ones. Specially once you're told "It's a life threatening condition. There's a 1 in 40,000 chance that you'll die.." I so badly needed a hug. I so badly needed encouraging words. I so badly needed someone to be my side and tell me they'd never leave me. MB was there for the most part. I am still thankful for that. He was around the critical moments that I needed someone with me.

Now, I am just thankful to Him. Because I still woke up from that surgery. And maybe I did not go through it alone after all. I know He was with me. I kept asking Him to give me the strength and the courage, and to bring my family close to me even if they are miles away. I was blessed to have such a great medical team. I was told my surgeon is the best one there is, and down to my nurses, everyone just took good care of me. They still are.

And after everything that I went through, pain is not so bad after all.. And if you ask me that question again, I'd rather really dance in the rain now. I will choose to celebrate life. And second chances. I will celebrate my friends and family. And even officemates who show they are not just there when I'm productive but also when I am lying useless in a hospital bed.

I lost a part of me in that surgery. But I also gained so much enlightenment. At one point, I felt broken. But now, I'm over that feeling. The next step is pick up the pieces and slowly put them back together one by one.

And then, I'll be ready to dance in the rain.