KUNG AKO NA LANG SANA
- Bituin Escalante from the album Himig Handog

* A friend in Seattle played the CD in his car. I fell in love with the song.. Wala lang.. :)

heto ka na naman
kumakatok sa aking pintuan
muling naghahanap ng makakausap
at heto naman ako
nakikinig sa mga kwento
mong paulit-ulit lang
nagtitiis kahit nasasaktan

ewan ko ba kung bakit ba
hindi ka pa nadadala
hindi ba't kailan lang
nang iwanan ka nya
at ewan ko nga sa iyo
parang balewala ang puso ko
ano nga bang meron siya
na sa akin ay di mo makita

kung ako na lang sana
ang 'yong minahal
di ka na muling mag-iisa
kung ako na lang sana
ang 'yong minahal
di ka na muling luluha pa
di ka na mangangailangan pang
humanap ng iba
narito ang puso ko
maghihintay lamang sa'yo

heto pa rin ako
umaasa ang puso mo
baka sakali pang ito'y magbago
narito lang ako
kasama mo buong buhay mo
ang kulang na lang
mahalin mo rin ako ng lubusan

One of my favorite words from The Little Prince:

But my rose, all on her own, is more important than you altogether, since she's the one I've watered. Since she's the one I put under glass. ... Since she's the one I listened to when she complained, or when she boasted, or even when she said nothing at all.

MTV AND ME
Watching MTV is really therapeutic for me. There's music, adventure and drama -- things that can definitely take your mind off your own reality show called your life. Battle of the Sexes is my current favorite, because well, I'm a closet adventurist.. Given the right motivation (and more importantly, the right mental and physical health), I'd likely do something in defiance of what is otherwise known as the "norm".

Well, you know, if you ask me now, I'd never agree to ride on the scooter, some hundred meters above the ground, on a very narrow path. This definitely did not make it on my to-do-before-I-die list. But I'd like to think I have it in me to put aside whatever girly-girl characteristics I have, and just do something outright crazy. (Oh, I forget, I've already done something outright crazy..)

So the final challenge is next Monday. And my girl Ruthie, made it to the final three (girls team). She is Hawaiian, but she was raised by a Filipino family, although apparently, they treated her so bad. Hmm.. Not something to be proud of. Anyways, the other girl who was voted off this week, Melissa from RW New Orleans is also half-Filipino and she is mighty proud of it. So I guess, that's worth mentioning.


Ruthie - girl power at its best. Go get 'em! :)

BACK FROM SEATTLE
Drove with a couple of friends to Seattle last Saturday to see an old old friend (thank you, sobra, for such great company and hospitality.. you are one of the greatest friends, ever!) whom I have not seen for two years. We all had such a blast!

Watched my first live professional baseball game ever at the Safeco Field, and the Mariners rock!! Even if the Tigers beat the M's, it was still a good game. Plus of course, watching a game is just really an excuse to booze up :) And oh, even if Ichiro didn't shine in this game, he's still the man! Hehe..


Ang cute nya talaga.. :p

We capped the night playing billiards, then mahjong till 5AM. Sunday afternoon was spent in the downtown, just enjoying the beautiful sunny day. All in all, everything was just perfect. Well, almost, but even the spat with MB did not dampen my spirits. I will deal with him later. Basta, I had fun, and I will end it at that.

More MTV wisdom :P

- I'm like herpes, man. You might lose track of me. But I'm always there.
- Come with me to get tested. Easily said and done.
- We're getting condoms. Easily said and done.
- Let's talk about protection. Easily said and done.

Grabe. Been watching way too much Road Rules/Real World Battle of the Sexes reruns. Ruthie, that girl from RW Hawaii rocks!! BTW, it's only a coincidence that my handle is Ruthie (as I got it from the little lady from 7th Heaven, see..). Hope she wins.


Kamukha ko daw? Di eh. Masyado tangos nose nya.. hehe :D

Enter or exit. Do not linger.

A piece of wisdom, heard from, err, an MTV ad. Haha.

NAME GAME
My first name means "like a lion" and the second one means "she who makes happy"... Funny how that seems to be quite fitting. Anyways, since one of my best friends gave birth last easter to a cutie little baby girl, I've been thinking of a baby name for my own, uhm, baby.. Hehe.. Nope, I'm not pregnant. Yeah, I'm weird that way :)

But even more strange is the fact that now I don't cringe at the thought of having my own baby. I was always so sure I did not want to have any of my own, even though, I love children so much. (Yeah, I dote on my pamangkins.. sobra.. one of them calls me mommy pa nga..).. And yep, I already found a name for a baby girl which means beautiful and priceless. You know, if and when. :D

ONLY THE PARANOID SURVIVE?
Punyeta namang business credo na yan, pati sa relationships ko nadadala ko na rin.. While it works well for management, this philosophy can only bring an early demise to what can be an otherwise healthy and worthwhile relationship. I'm not saying that we should not be altogether cautious, but when it comes to love, the more guarded you are, the less likely you are to reap the benefits (of loving someone and being loved in return). In this case, self-preservation is also self-defeating. And you won't even realize it until it's too late.

When I start lyric posting, it only means one thing, I'm going through yet another trial that I cannot really blog about. This is one major issue that I really have to resolve. I still don't know exactly what to do. Well, I have an idea but it seems so drastic. But then again, the whole thing that triggered this was more than just drastic, anyways. What did I expect?

One thing I realize for sure, is that I still have a lot of growing up to do. Time to get off this playground.

DAMAGED
by TLC

I know I'm kinda strange, to you sometimes
Don't always say, what's on my mind
You know that I've been hurt, by some guy
But I don't wanna mess up this time

And I really really really care
And I really really really want you
And I think I'm kinda scared
Cos I don't want to lose you
If you really really really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It's nothing to you

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged

I might look through your stuff, for what I don't wanna find
Or I might just set you up, to see if you're all mine
I'm a little paranoid, from what I've been through
Don't know what you got yourself into

And I really really really care (And I care about you so much)
And I really really really want you (I really do want you)
And I think I'm kinda scared (But I'm scared with every touch)
Cos I don't want to lose you (Cos I don't want to lose you)
If you really really really care (If you care for me like you say)
Then maybe you can hang through (Then maybe you can hang through)
I hope you understand (I hope you understand)
It's nothing to you (It's nothing to you, you)

My heart's at a low (low)
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that (I think you should know)
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love (I'm falling in love)
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged (I think you should know that)

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage (I'm so much to manage)
I think you should know that (I think you should know that)
I've been damaged (I've been damaged)
I'm falling in love (I love you so)
There's one disadvantage (I love you so)
I think you should know that I've been damaged

And I really really really want you
And I think I'm kinda scared
Cos I don't want to lose you
If you really really really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It's nothing to you (It's nothing to you)

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that (Ooh I think you should know I've been damaged)
I've been damaged (I've been damaged baby)
I'm falling in love (Falling in love with you baby, yeah)
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged

LET ME BE THE ONE
by Jimmy Bondoc

Somebody told me you were leaving, I didn't know
Somebody told me you're unhappy, but it doesn't show
Somebody told me that you don't want me no more, no
So you're walking out the door

Nobody told me you've been crying every night
Nobody told me you've been dying, but didn't want to fight
Nobody told me that you fell out of love for me
So I'm setting you free

Let me be the one to break it up so you won't have to make excuses
We don't need to find a set up where someone wins and someone loses
We just have to say our love was true but has now become a lie
So I'm telling you I love you one last time, and goodbye

Somebody told me you used to love me, I don't know why
Nobody told me that you only needed time to fly
Somebody told me that you want to come back when our love is real again

Let me be the one to break it up so you won't have to make excuses
We don't need to find a set up where some one wins and someone loses
We just have to say our love was true but has now become a lie
So I'm telling you I love you one last time, and goodbye

Just turn around and walk away
You don't have to live like this, no no
But if you love me still then stay
Don't keep me waiting for that final kiss
We can work together through this test
Or we can work through it apart
I just need to get this off my chest
That you will always have my heart
Let me be the one...

Let me be the one to break it up so you won't have to make excuses
We don't need to find a set up where some one wins and someone loses
We just have to say our love was true but has now become a lie
So I'm telling you I love you one last time, and goodbye.

Let me be the one...

It is one of the saddest moments ever, when you realize, you are no longer needed.

YOU GOTTA BE

This has always been one of my favorite songs.. my mantra..

* * * * *
by Des'ree

Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
Stand up and be counted
Don't be ashamed to cry

You gotta be...
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day

Herald what your mother said
Read the books your father read
Try to solve the puzzles in your own sweet time
Some may have more cash than you
Others take a different view
My oh my, yea, eh, eh

You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day

Time ask no questions, it goes on without you
Leaving you behind if you can't stand the pace
The world keeps on spinning
can't stop it, if you tried to
This best part is danger staring you in the face

And then Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
My oh my, eh, eh, eh

EASTER THOUGHTS
It's Easter na. Just came from a fun gimik in the downtown.. Grabe, nagsara na naman kame ng club. Oh well, it's been a long time since I've gone out. Work has occupied my nights, plus nga E was always in the picture, so mejo lie low ako the last few weeks. It was good to just groove again. Pero grabe, old age keeps rearing its ugly head.. Haha.. I think the party girl in me is starting to fade into the background na.. Strangely, I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, though. Manang alert!!! :p

* * * * *
I want to keep thinking happy thoughts. But with MB gone, I've been able to reflect on our relationship. Lagi nga main topic cya when I talk to Him. After days of praying and just listening to myself, things are becoming clearer. I asked Him for a sign, and He gave me one naman. But, there are times when I think I just want to let this all go. I've never believed in regrets, but this time, I'm coming so close. There are just way too many roadblocks. :(

But, the more important realization after all my soul-searching is that I have a lot of options. Contrary to what I felt a few days back - trapped and helpless. Thank goodness for resilience. Plus all that girl power is coming back to me now.. It's definitely not too late to do whatever I have to do. Yun nga lang, not all the options are pretty. But I'm ready to face anything. In the end, life goes on.

DESIDERATA
* Inspired by Willow. Like I told her, I used to memorize this back in high school. I could even deliver it backwards.. Hehe.. CAT officership memories.. :) More than a decade later, the message still rings true..

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.

Speak the truth quietly and clearly. And listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the ever-changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you of what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

BE YOURSELF. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength and spirit to shield you from sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF. You are a child of the universe, not less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be careful. Strive to be happy.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Speaking of silence, yesterday, on Good Friday, I went to the Grotto. I spent almost the whole afternoon, in solitude, just talking to Him. Lifting all my worries and problems to Him. I retreated to the meditation chapel, situated at the edge of a cliff, and you can see Portland, 110 ft below you.. All the hustle and bustle... Cars whizzing by... Planes landing and taking off.. And yet, for me, time stood still. I could hear nothing except my own breathing and my thoughts.. And I could not think of anything except wanting to be comforted by His love...

Sobrang thanks, Nic and Sieg for the listening ears. I really needed that.

* * * * *
You guys may be right. Rewind. If only life works that way.

MISERABLE

'cause lately something here don't feel right
this is just a half-life,
without you I am breaking down

wake me, let me see the daylight
save me from this half-life
- Half-Life by Duncan Sheik (What a Girl Wants OST)

Gawd.. I hate feeling this miserable.. Where the hell is fast forward when you need it??!!

SPRINGTIME



I just realized this is my first ever spring here in the U.S. It's getting to be quite beautiful.. The trees are growing leaves again.. I've been here a lot of times, but I always go home during the beginning of spring.. never had time to smell the flowers. Till now. But the truth is, I'd really rather be home...

... spending Holy Week with my loved ones
... feel the waves brushing my toes, the sand rough yet wonderful on my skin, and the sun kissing my cheeks..
... getting big hugs from my nephews and nieces
... hear the voices of my papa and mama, and great sisters and little bro

SEPARATION ANXIETY
MB and I have been inseparable since we started going out. This is the third day since he has gone for a vacation to Pinas and I have actually been doing.. NOTHING. Well, except reading blogs and adding bloggers to my YM friends list. Nagmumukha na ata akong stalker neto :D

Putek. I know I will survive the next three weeks but it will be hard. Pano na lang pag-uwi ko sa Pinas? Aarrghh..

E-pisode ENDS
If not for that fateful stairwell meeting with MB, things would have been so different the last two months. I would have dug an even deeper hole of that impossibility called E. Because deep inside I know without MB, I would not have had the strength to pull myself away from E. Even if I should have done that a long time ago.

Bakit nga ba it was so hard for me to walk away from E? We had such a strong connection. Without talking so much, we understood each other perfectly. We had the same dreams of living a simple life but we are both stuck in this corporate BS. We had the same dream of leaving this world we live and breathe in, but the impracticality of it all is stopping us. He wants to be a photographer. I want to become a writer. And yep, it certainly helped that we were phyically attracted to each other too. But then, some things are just not meant to be. Some people were just meant to pass by. E is one of them.

Call it irony, call it fate. But for several months, I only shared moments with E. We only saw each other when he had meetings here. And finally, he had a 2-month assignment here. We were both looking forward to it. But as fate would have it, I met MB a few weeks before that, and that changed the course of my life. I only saw E twice the last two months. I had to make a deliberate effort not to be in the same social functions with him, because of the fights I had with MB about him. After three tries of driving him away, E finally understood that I didn't want to see or talk to him. Just when we would have had the chance to see each other, because MB has gone off to a three-week vacation, E was also leaving. We did have a good talk last night. Things finally made sense to him. He said he wanted to come over and give me a big hug. Because who knows when we will see each other again. I was sorely tempted. But then again, I made a promise to MB. So, with a little tinge of regret, I once again said NO.

Let's just pretend we're giving each other a hug right now. I told E over the phone. How could I pretend that? It's not the same. I know. But that's what we got. Because things are indeed different now.

E and I had a good talk. We both knew it will be years before we see each other again. Maybe even never. And the over-the-phone goodbye became painful because of that. But, then, at least we were able to say what we wanted to say.

E: One day, when I become a photographer, I'm gonna find you so you can write the essays for me.
Me: Sounds like a plan.
E: It doesn't hurt to dream, you know. The moment we stop dreaming, life loses it's meaning and inspiration.

Right on, E. :)

And that was how it ended. This story about E.

HO-HUM :)

Still on too-happy-to-blog mode. :) So, am lyric posting again. Hehe..

THAT'S ALL
by Rod Stewart

I can only give you love that lasts forever,
And a promise to be near each time you call.
And the only heart I own
For you and you alone
That's all,
That's all

I can only give you country walks in springtime
And a hand to hold when leaves begin to fall;
And a love whose burning light
Will warm the winter's night
That's all,
That's all.

There are those I am sure who have told you,
They would give you the world for a toy.
All I have are these arms to enfold you,
And a love time can never destroy.

If you're wondering what I'm asking in return, dear,
You'll be glad to know that my demands are small.
Say it's me that you'll adore,
For now and evermore
That's all,
That's all.

Ten minutes was all it took. Wow. So I looked at the mirror this morning to check if anything has changed. To see if a scared little girl would stare back at me. But all I can see is one happy woman.

UNWELL
Matchbox 20

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell

I'm really tired na. Stressed out pa. Now I understand why people still try to kill themselves even when they seem to have everything and everyone they need. Because what I need right now is some peace, some rest.

I've been on the swing shift for more than a month now. And it's not a fun schedule because you never get to enjoy the sun. So today (or yesterday), I decided to create my own sked because I needed some sunshine...

up to 3AM -> Work
3AM-12NN -> Sleep
1PM-230PM -> Lunch + Get ready
230PM-5PM -> MB and I went to the Tulip festival
5PM-7PM -> Outlet shopping!! (Hehe.. more kikay stuff from Tommy Hilfiger, Gap and Ralph Lauren.. spring sale eh.. hehe..)
7PM-10PM -> Dinner, et al ;)
10PM-11PM -> Hung out with a friend I haven't seen for a while..
11PM-5AM -> Work..

Syet.. I miss some normalcy in my routines.. And gah, gotta go get some sleep. 10AM meeting awaits..

WHAT A GIRL WANTS

"I love you one million red M&M's..."

Since seeing her in Big Fat Liar, I became an Amanda Bynes fan.. Hehe.. Anyways, her new movie is clearly intended for teens but it is a family movie, and though it has it's dull moments (lots of pauses in the dialogues, and lulls in some scenes), there were also hilarious and warm (father-daughter) scenes.. I've never dreamed of a father-daughter dance, but now that I think about it, I'd like that... (Homesickness alert!)..

It's definitely not an Oscar-bound movie, but it's a nice date movie. ;-)

KRISPY KREMES, ANYONE? :)
I've been craving for Krispy Kreme donuts for several months now. Seriously. And since there are no stores here in good ol' Portland (or not even in any nearby OR cities), I have to ask everyone who flies off to somewhere where they do have stores to bring me back some. They all failed. Even E. (E:Huh? What's Krispy Kreme? Me: Nye!)

MB heard me ask yet another officemate who flew to AZ on my birthday and I asked her to bring me some.. And of course, she forgot. But the other day, MB was driving to the airport in Salt Lake City on his way back home when he saw the big sign.. And tada - Krispy Kremes galore!! :)

SOME THINGS DON'T CHANGE
I've turned a year older, but some things have remained the same.. For the most part, I still am the same girl I was 10 years ago, only much less naive and ack!! --- *bleep* lbs heavier :D Not even the men in my life have changed who I used to be.. Ok, maybe, I'm a tad more cautious now, but I still love recklessly.

Here's more:
1. I still sleep with a stuffed toy.. Who it is has changed over time.. A few years back it was Pink Panther.. A couple of years ago, Kermit the Frog.. Then at one time it was Piglet. And now - it's Funshine Bear. (Yep, the yellow Carebear.. hihi... )
2. I still couldn't sleep without SNIFFING Vicks. All hell will break loose if nawala yung Vicks sa bedside table.
3. Lea Salonga is still my all-time favorite star.
4. I still dream of becoming a broadway actress. Dream lang naman.
5. This is like my nth trip to the U.S., and everytime I come up to the immigration counter, they always ask if I'm accompanied by an adult. (Naks.. feeling young tuloy ako)..
6. I've only grown like 4 more inches since I was 12 years old. And yeah, even then, I was always among those sa unahan ng pila..
7. I've had the same best friends since high school (well, technically, si Petite, since grade 5..)..
8. I'm still single.. Bwehehe..
9. I still like it when my dad would baby me.. Whenever I need to do something adult-like (pay insurance, get car policies, buy a car), I always run to him... And, I have never reprimanded my parents ever.. My kid sisters do it all the time.. At least nung matanda na sila.. Di ba kadalasan ganyan ang mga anak, pag tumanda, parang baliktad na ang mundo?
10. Whenever I get (really) sick, the first person I call is my mom.

When it comes to our relationship, I am happy. And content. But there's always this feeling of impending doom. And I can't shake it away...

Sunday was a beautiful day, too, but then, there was no escaping work this time. I lost enough time already for enjoying the sun on Saturday. I'm almost getting tired of all this. :(