Life can be ecstatic, exciting and extraordinary... if you make it to be.




OK, MAYBE ONE MORE
Hmmm.. Really didn't think I'll be blogging anymore since the rest of the week is pretty toxic. But finally went out on gimik with Mr. T and other friends.. Who would have imagined that the first time that would happen, he would be buying me THREE lap dances. Yes, folks, that's right. We went to a strip club together, and he paid for everything, including a private party with me and a girl named Saree. So I saw the stars and the heavens tonight, and I had so much fun! Wow. Sayang we won't see each other for about two weeks. He's a really great person to hang out with. Sweet but wicked ;)



NEW YORK TRIP
So I'll be leaving this weekend already. Wow, time flies so fast. Vacation at last.

Time to smell the roses. :)

Ciao!



E = ...

Eeeek!
Anak ng putek naman oh.. I thought I made it pretty clear last night that I wasn't interested in anything more than just "hanging out". Di pa pala.. Dinner na naman tonight daw. Eeeek. And this time, I did say no. Haaaay..... Sana last na 'to.

Erotic
He pried my mouth open with his big sturdy hands.. His fingers poked at certain crevices that only a few people can ever do (to me). He was alternately gentle and rough with his instrument. But he was good. He talked to me the whole time, which took the discomfort away as he inserted a phallic metal object into my mouth. It was cold and nice. Tingly.

Never thought it will be like this... this morning's dental exam* :p

* In fairness, ang cute ng dentist ko ha.. I never thought I'd be this enthusiastic to have my third molars (all four of them, yes) extracted. Hee!



MEET ELLE



Well, before that, the dinner turned out ok. I couldn't get out of it, 'coz since the time he asked we did not talk na. But, he showed up at my door and I feigned surprise (I was shocked, actually, because he said he'd call first but apparently he did but I didn't get a chance to check my voicemail). So what did I learn tonight? If it makes you uncomfortable, say no. And stick with your answer.

So who's Elle? She's my new Canon S45! And I named her Elle - E, his first name's initial, and L, for mine. I think appropriately so, since he did reintroduce me to photography and he recommended the cam as well... So we have a baby together.. Hahaha...

Anyway, am still in the reading-the-f*****g-manual stage. I did take some shots around the house, but I don't know how to view and download the pix yet.. Have to figure this out quick because my old cam has gone bonkers. Somehow, a couple of images are corrupted and I can't download the pix to my notebook. Grr... Feeling ko nagselos lang yun because of Elle. :p

Oh well, I'll have time to play with Elle in NY next ww. So expect lots of pictures. (I hope).



DREAM
Got tickets to Tori Amos' "On Scarlet's Walk" concert here this December. I honestly think I will never be able to do it, but I'll see if I can get myself to ask Mr. T to watch with me. Bahala na.

But the truth is, it's E I still want to be with. Haay.. Dreamt about him last night. He was hanging out with me and my friends.. Then later, another girl came to the picture, and I was jealous. He accompanied her to the hospital for surgery. I was restless the whole 2s he was inside but when he came back, I gave him an accusing and hostile glare. And we were at each other's throats after that. Till my friend finally got so pissed with the two of us and told me "Why are you acting like this? Wasn't it you who dumped him?".. I no longer remember the rest of the dream.

The thing is, this dream might as well have happened in real life. Clearly, it's a message for me to move on.

Hmm.. there was a funny scene in that dream, btw. When E came out of the hospital, he was wearing his "girlfriend's" high-heeled shoes. I dunno what that means, but I'm laughing right now just picturing it in my head :D



PINOY FRIDAY FIVE
via Ellen (nice idea, btw :))

1. What soap operas did you watch as a kid?

Flor de Luna, and sometimes Ana Liza, starring young Janice de Belen and the late Julie Vega. I also remember watching Yagit and Heredero (both of which I only remember now from Ellen's post).. And there's this one sort of mini-serye, I guess, which was about this Japanese straggler and it starred a very young Romnick Sarmenta and Jonee Gamboa (I think) as the Japanese.

2. What were your favorite childhood street games?

I didn't play a lot of street games because my parents were kind of strict about us going out of the house. Later on, though, when I was in high school, I got to play tubig-tubig (patintero in Tagalog), Japanese game, bato-lata (tumbang-preso), syatong and piko. Note - a lot of these terms are Cebuano. Dunno some of the Tagalog equivalent.

3. Name some of your favorite Pinoy food.





Lechon Cebu, Pork Barbeque of Cebu (I swear I've never tasted anything as delicious as our Larsian barbeque and the like), Balbacua (again, I think Cebuano dish), Sisig (I like the Dencio's variety and Congo Grill's tuna sisig), Daing na Bangus (boneless, of course), Lucban chorizo, Sinigang na Hipon

(This is hard cause it's lunchtime now. And since I don't cook, I'm kinda feeling really homesick right now :))

*photo courtesy of malapascua.de

4. Where have you been around the Philippines aside from your present location?

I grew up in Cebu and moved to Manila to live, and I work in Cavite. Visayas: Bohol, Iloilo, Bacolod. Luzon: Quezon (Lucena, Tayabas, Lucban), Bicol (Naga City and Legazpi City), Olongapo (Subic), Pampanga, Baguio, Tarlac, Batangas, Laguna. Mindanao: Ozamis City.

5. What do you think is the definitive Philippine landmark?

Probably Roxas Blvd. It's not really a landmark, but everytime I drive by, I really know I'm home.. There's a view of Manila Bay on one side (the sleazy clubs on the other, haha), the traffic caused by our colorful jeepneys and hand-me-down (Japanese) buses, the smog, Baclaran...



FALLING LEAVES



We should always cherish and enjoy beauty, love and all things wonderful while they last. Because sooner or later, they will be gone.

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
---Nothing Gold Can Stay, Robert Frost

[Beautiful poem. Decided to post it. Thanks to ulan for sharing :)]



DATE?
Hmm.. I'm really not good at this "dating" business. Someone just asked me out for dinner and I said yes. I no longer remember how to say no politely, without being presumptuous. After all, he just might want to hang out. Gawd, I hope. (Yeah, I'm hoping really hard)... I'm not attracted to him, because among other reasons, he looks like my uncle. A decent-looking uncle. But still. Double gawd!

I really need to review Dating 101, specially on the How-To-Say-No chapter. So as not to get myself into situations like this. Argh.

On a lighter note, I'm beginning to pay attention to Mr. T again. Which is probably good, to keep my mind off E. This afternoon, I saw Mr. T standing behind me, staring. Remember that I have a mirror in my cube so I can see the people who come by? He looked so adorable, standing there, just looking, smiling, but not able to say anything.. :) Anyway, we caught each other's eyes in the mirror. Hehe.. Kilig.

I wish he would ask me out on a date. Or maybe I should ask him. Next chapter to read: How-To-Muster-Courage-To-Ask-A-Guy-Out.



HAPPY CORNER #1


I tried to think about rainbows
When it gets bad
You got to think about something
To keep from going mad
- In My Head, No Doubt




I NEED WINDEX!
I'd like to get me one of those Windex cleaners.. Nah.. don't think it can cure a wounded spirit anyways.. Unfortunately, there's no such thing as a miracle cure. But there's family, friends, and some sense of sanity and sensibility.

This movie is so hilarious and romantic, very feel-good. Plus it reminds me of my own heritage and my own family. Just what I needed. My Big Fat Greek Wedding this rainy Sunday night with a new friend. :)





HIDE
Here I stand head in hand
Turn my face to the wall
If she's gone I can't go on
Feelin' two-foot small

Everywhere people stare
Each and every day
I can see them laugh at me
And I hear them say

Hey you've got to hide your love away
Hey you've got to hide your love away

How could I even try
I can never win
Hearing them, seeing them
In the state I'm in

How could she say to me
Love will find a way
Gather round all you clowns
Let me hear you say

Hey you've got to hide your love away
Hey you've got to hide your love away
- You've Got To Hide Your Love Away, The Beatles (I Am Sam soundtrack)



GLOOM





Outside it's dark and rainy, the wind blowing slowly. It's cold. Gloomy.

Much like it is inside of me.

There are more and more days now like this. When I have to drag myself out of the bed.

My head is just wringing in pain. And my body heavy and numb.

Sometimes I look up to the ceiling, and imagine a rope. That will stop it all.

But I'm thankful that I can still fight. Keep going. And though I feel this close to succumbing, I've not.

I refuse to be worn down. I refuse to let it overtake me.

This gloom.



REFLECTION






And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
- Landslide, Dixie Chicks



IF I WERE TO WRITE A SONG TONIGHT
Big Machine - The Goo Goo Dolls

Ecstasy is all you need
Living in the big machine
Oh you're so vain
Now your world is way too fast
Nothing's real and nothing lasts
And I'm aware
I'm in love and you don't care
Turn your anger into lust
I'm still here but you don't trust at all
And I'll be waiting
Love and sex and loneliness
Take what's yours and leave the rest
So I'll survive
God it's good to be alive
I'm torn in pieces
I'm blind and waiting for you
My heart is reeling
I'm blind and waiting for you

Still in love with all your sins
Where you stop and I begin
And I'll be waiting
Living like a house on fire
What you fear is your desire
It's hard to deal
I still love the way you feel
Now this angry little girl
Drowning in this petty world
Oh who you run to
Swallow all your bitter pills
That's what makes you beautiful
You're all or not
I don't need what you ain't got

I'm torn in pieces
I'm blind and waiting for you
My heart is reeling
I'm blind and waiting for you

I'm blind and waiting for you
I'm blind and waiting for you



RIVER

He tried hard to help me
You know, he put me at ease
And he loved me so naughty
Made me weak in the knees
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I'm so hard to handle
I'm selfish and I'm sad
Now I've gone and lost the best baby
That I ever had
- River, Joni Mitchell



NEW BABY

Want one. My HP cam is big and so unsleek :) Is this any good? Any other recommendations? Want to check out digi camcorders, too. But I want great stills because I hardly even watch the videos. 4M pixels vs. 1M pixels? Choices. Choices.

And speaking of choices, I think I'm going to put my career change plans on hold for now. The ethical considerations got to me. Naku, Ateneans pride on that pa naman (baka magalit si Prof J), plus I have to role model to my team. I can't leave them now. It's just not right. Plus, stirring things up a lot now will not be a good career move. Labs ko yung mga bosses now eh. Don't wanna get on their bad side.

One more night to sleep on this.

UPDATE, 1015PM: Oi, bought the S45 na :) That's how obsessive I can get. :D Well, he (the man without a name) recommended it eh. I trust his judgment. Plus, I read some good reviews about the cam online. At 9.2oz, it still seems pretty lightweight, too. Yey! I'm really all set for my NY trip na! We've booked our flight, hotel, rental car + bought tickets to the Flower Drum Song.. And of course, I'll have my cam, then! Woohoo!!!



STOP
Told myself I'd stop thinking or blogging about him na. Kainis talaga. I.can't.

Not yet.

Maybe I should stop trying so hard. In time it will be easier for me to forget.

Easier not to get excited whenever he'd drop me an email. Or tell me he'd call.

Easier not to wait to hear that familiar voice.

Easier not to wait for anything at all.

And in time, things will just die a natural death.

And I will stop.

[END]



NOT-SO-PRETTY TRUTHS

1. That he means to me more to me than I would have wanted...
2. That I don't mean to him the same way.
3. I've known that all along. And yet, I foolishly went there...


PRETTY TRUTHS

1. That I have friends who accept me and do not judge me for the things I've done...
2. That I will never have to fear what others think of me because people who don't know me will always think the worse of me, anyways. And the people who do, love me, just because.
3. I've known this all along, but I was foolish to let my fears overcome me.



CAREER CHANGE Part 2
Told my manager na. I thought she'd bawl out, but she didn't. She just said she didn't expect to hear it from me now, but she wasn't surprised daw because she thinks it's a job fit. Na encourage pa tuloy ako lalo.

But of course, I'm in the middle of a project and the ethical sword is hanging over my head. And yeah, if I pursue this, this will have to go to the higher ups. Nye. Sabi ko stir things up a bit lang. This is stirring it up a lot. Just talked pa naman with my big boss last week. He gave me a subtle reminder of his expectations to me and my team.

Tonight will be a long night. All I know now is that the people who take risks are the people who move forward and make the most out of their lives. I used to be that kind of person. But she got lost along the way somehow. Time to find her again.



CAREER CHANGE
I'm thinking about a career change. I know this is so sudden, but this was one of the options I had a couple of years back, but I chose what I'm doing now. The thing is, I like it here, because it's within my comfort zone. But I feel like I need a change. A fresh start.

The truth is, I'm just afraid. Afraid to take that small step towards change. People are usually afraid of stirring things a bit. Disturbing that order. I already have enough uncertainty as it is in my life right now.

But the opportunity has presented itself again. I'm feeling cowardly all over again. And I don't even know if I'll get the job. How's that for a real wuss.

I'll sleep on this tonight. But before I go to bed, I'm working on my resume. That's a start, right?



REMINDER
I miss him. We're on talking terms already. We have no choice but to be friends. He told me "It's not an option. We have to be friends" He also told me he missed hearing my voice. Me? I just miss him.

He told me to keep taking pictures, to keep exploring life.. He told me to start crossing out my (before 30) list. Which is why I'm posting it again. To remind me... Deng, I made this list more than two years ago, and I'm still not making progress. Not good.

1. How to drive a stick-shift
2. How to swim
3. How to cook ==> This I'm trying so hard to do. When I couldn't feed him anything decent, I felt somehow ashamed. Not that I want to learn this for other people, but eating out of cans is just not the way to do it.
4. Scuba diving ==> I did go skydiving :)
5. CPR/first aid



AWKWARD GOODBYE #2
After what happened, I didn't expect him to call me. But of course I hoped he would. And he did. Left me voicemail twice. But I didn't return his call. I realized I didn't want to talk to him anymore. I would have wanted just to avoid him forever.

After all, nothing has changed. Not the fact that I still fell for him, despite my resolve not to. I found a lot of excuses. Like I didn't like that he wore blue socks, or that he's not as witty or does not have that sarcasm about him that I've come to like in people nowadays. But there were gazellion reasons why I still liked him. I liked that he liked photography, writing.. arts.. That he shared the same zest for life and its adventures. How we both want life outside of this cold technical dungeon we're both in... The way that he knew how to fix things - a broken sofa bed, a nasty hangover.. How to take care of me in more ways than one.. The way that he made me smile with his impersonation of me... And yeah, haha, the way we both like Vicks.. But the simple truth remains. Him and me = NOT.

He finally did catch me on the phone. And after spending several minutes talking about trivial things like the weather, his laptop upgrade, the gym, Bob Marley ... we finally ran out of inanities and we had to talk about the inevitable. Us. Only there's no us. And there never will. Yeah, some things are just final like that.

The longer the pause was, the more painful and awkward it became. No more words to say to each other. And the things that we did want to say but cannot, were better left unsaid.

Sometimes, the no-brainer choices are even harder to make. But you become a better person for making it. A sad, hurting person, but a better person, nonetheless.

Or so I tell myself that :)



PATH
"... the thing about my path is that when I reached the end and I looked back, I realized I found myself in some place good." - Gilmore Girls

I'm still fortunate that in spite of everything that I've gone through, and no matter how many wrong turns I've made in my life, I still have sufficient reason to wake up every morning, and perhaps, get out of bed as well. Yes, I believe I'm in some place good. It's not perfect. I cannot love whomever I please, or be in a relationship with someone who shares the same eccentric habit of smelling Vicks every night before going to sleep. But I have a job that I love (and curse, at times, but still, for all intents and purposes, I love it), I have friends whom I'll never have to explain myself to, and a family, dysfunctional as we are, who loves me and who've been always there for me, no matter what. True, they may not know half of what is going on in my life, but I'm confident that even if they do, and there are some things they would surely frown upon, they will always be by my side.

I'm still sad that for the things in my life right now that are just not meant to be. But I do know that the things that are meant to be will fall into place in its own time.

So today, I made my way out of the house. And it felt good to see some sunshine.



MESS
I overestimated my callousness. Actually, I didn't. I had known from the start that I'd be putting my heart on the line. But I was stubborn. And foolish to think that I can really get it out of my system. So here I am, drinking beer and eating nothing but chocolate and chips since last night. I haven't gotten out of my apartment the whole day, nor out of my bed, for that matter. And I've been listening to "Shower Me With Your Love" repeatedly. Tangna.

Got.to.pull.myself.together.



LOST
I've lost my way again... Sometimes I think that if I didn't have such good friends (and if I had a lot of money), I would already be making some shrink even richer. I was a fool to think that I'd come out of this whole experience unscathed. But the heart is so frail, after all.



GIRL'S CLUB
Jo was right! Fox cancelled the show. Kainis. I liked pa naman the 1st two episodes (and apparently, the only two!). What went wrong? The show has already tackled important women issues like working in a male-dominated environment, sexual harassment, competition, weird/bad love relationships (having sex with an ex and only that, cheating boyfriend, and dating a closet queen). I was able to relate to these twenty-something career women and now they've said goodbye without ado.

Bummer.

Hay naku, baka naman NBC will cancel Good Morning, Miami. I find the story and the characters so cute and adorable. Geek guy falls for perky girl who's in a serious relationship with the office hunk. There's a slight chance that the girl likes the guy, too.. And of course, that's where the show revolves on. It's so funny. I think it's almost as good as Will and Grace :)



WITHDRAWAL
Been on such a high the last few days and the withdrawal has been so hard to bear. Didn't even have the energy to go to the costume party with my officemates last night. I wasn't able to give out the candy I prepared for the trick or treaters because I was asleep by 8PM.

Syet. Was it really worth it? I dare not even answer that.

-------------------------------------------
Songs from my heart...

"We danced in graveyards with vampires 'till dawn
We laughed in the faces of kings
Never afraid to burn
And I hate, and I hate,
And I hate, and I hate
Disintegration watching us wither
Black winged roses that safely changed their color,

Oh, these little earthquakes
Here we go again
These little earthquakes
Doesn't take much to rip us into pieces

I can't reach you, I can't reach you
I can't reach you, I can't reach you,
Give me life, give me pain,
Give me myself again" - Little Earthquakes, Tori Amos

"I keep on fallin' in and out of love with you
Sometimes I love you
Sometimes you make me blue
Sometimes I feel good
At times I feel used
Loving you darling
Makes me so confused" - Falling, Alicia Keys

"Is this a lasting treasure
Or just a moment's pleasure
Can I believe the magic in your sights
And will you love me tomorrow
Tonight with words unspoken
You say that I'm the only one
But will my heart be broken
When the night meets the morning sun " - Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow? , Carole King

"When you were young and on your own
How did it feel to be alone?
I was always thinking of games that I was playing
Trying to make the best of my time

But only love can break your heart
Try to be sure right from the start
Yes only love can break your heart
What if your world should fall apart?" - Only Love Can Break Your Heart, The Corrs



OVER
I don't like goodbyes. When someone has to leave, I can only hope it's quick and painless. But most of the time, I'm not too lucky.. That's why I just avoid going through the whole process. I try to run away..

The situation could potentially be awkward. What do you say to each other when you both know that this is it? "See you soon" and "I'll call you" are empty words meant to fill that pause while standing next to each other, uncertain whether to kiss or hug or simply shake hands. And even if you have psyched yourself up too many times, telling yourself not to get attached to something fleeting, it doesn't make the goodbye much easier.

So you come up with a casual "Ok, man, see you around..".. then walk away, and not look back, your heart heavy with something you don't want to acknowledge.

And so the question is - would you spend time with someone, even if you are well aware that he'll walk out of the door not too long after and never come back? If you know it's over between the two of you before it even started?

Few moments of bliss or a lifetime of pain?






Dose Me


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