So this is where she's been :) Jessica definitely rules, and her signature angst and sarcastic humor is never lost on me.

Taking a cue from one of her recent entries, here are some of the people I'll meet in hell ;)

1. The cab driver who dropped me in the middle of nowhere at 12Midnight! Well, it wasn't really nowhere as it was in the Sales interchange, just right before you enter Fort Boni. The man pretended to have run out of gas. So why then did you queue up at the airport picking passengers, you *^%$#&@! In hell, all his passengers are hold-uppers who constantly rob him of his day's income.

2. My high school teachers who called me out for dating a boy younger than me. They had the gall to tell me I was like "old cow eating young grass". I was 14, for crying out loud. And he was 13, give or take a few months. How can I have been a freakin' old cow?? In hell, my female lit teacher married her young lover, and he left her before she could finish saying that mean comment. Oh wait, she didn't have to wait for hell for that.

3. The ex-girlfriend of my (not-yet-at-that-time) ex, for sending flirty emails and SMS to him and seeing him behind my back, then feigning innocence when I confronted her about her ill behavior. In hell, as it is on earth, there is this thing called karma, and she will marry a man who will continue flirting with his ex, see that ex behind her back, have an extra-marital affair and contract STD.

4. My yaya who told my "older" high school suitor that I didn't know how to put (sanitary) pads on my own. Well in my defense, never had the birds and the bees talk with anyone before high school, and when my period appeared before I was a teen, and at a time when all I wanted to learn were jackstone tricks, I could have cared less about knowing how to attach those bulky things. In hell, she has 30-day periods, 12 times a year.

5. THE EX who abused me. In hell, he will hook up with psychos who slash their wrist, get haunted by the ex of a girl he seduced, gets shot in the thigh by troublemakers in his club that will eventually close down... Oh wait, he's already in hell then.

6. Our high school commandant who pimped us to the military officers who judged our C.A.T. Pass-In-Review. He went through all lengths to win that gadem review, including feed us alive to pot-bellied pedophiles. We were just kids, for heaven's sake. I mean hell. In retrospect, I think that was the point when my innocence was murdered. At 15. In hell, Mr. Roa and his military cohorts are doing the duck walk under the sun all day and at night, they are commanded to do 10,000 helicopters!

7. My office stalker who never identified himself but terrorized me for more than two years, albeit sporadically. Yeah, there are perverts in the office, too. The idiot was stupid enough to have left a trail, citing incidents only someone close would know (like the apartment I stayed at while on assignment, and the name of the guy I was dating). In hell, he will stay in an isolation room, with my pictures posted all over the walls. I'll be in various state of undress, wrinkles and all, at age 85! Even I cannot take that. Wahaha.

8. My lone high school bully, who called me names, especially while playing football during Intramurals. In hell, he will be constantly rejected by the women he courts because he looks like a skeleton. But then again, he already does.

"How much more can you take really?"

This is what I've been asking my friend who is in love with her male best friend of sorts. This is the deal. They started hanging out as friends, just as she was trying to forget yet another worthy of forgetting, two-timing I might add, man. He's sweet, thoughtful, and boyfriend-like in most cases, except that well, he was always clear with his intentions. And that is, except for some ocassional more than friends benefits, all he can really offer is friendship.

Now to a girl who has by this time has already fallen in love, that is more than devastating. Not only to be told that hideous "let's just be friends" line, but also along with that, "I'm still in love with her". Ouch. Majorly.

I can understand how love can make us do crazy things. Charge it to youth and inexperience ;) I've been "rejected", too, when I fell in love with erstwhile bestie though fortunately, before I had a chance to make a fool of myself by fessing up, he introduced a girlfriend to me. I was also devastated then, but there's no room for misinterpretation for cases like that. It's as clear as someone telling me "I'm in love with someone else". No minced words here.

I mean, yeah I can be crazy in love, but not deaf. So I cry a bucket full of tears, maybe thrash about in my bathroom floor, down liters of tequila, blog 3 times a day, but I don't hang on to those unrequited feelings. I do what I can to move on. Which does not involve keeping the best friend status, because, obviously, that's adding insult to injury.

I don't understand what it is she didn't get from what he said to her 6 months ago, on freakin' V-day at that, and what he has repeated to her in various iterations since then, and then again, with another theatrical performance a few weeks ago. Maybe it's the same crazy desire to stick to a relationship that's clearly not working (like your SO beating you up, or something like that), for the sake of "saving" it. So I'm not judging her. Plus, it's her life, and she's free to make her choices, no matter that I don't agree.

As for me, with the wisdom of hindsight to back me up, I realize now that it wasn't those relationships that I was trying to save, but saving myself from having to start all over again. In my friend's case, I'm not really sure. I guess it's her secret desire to finally be in a real relationship. Who knows. We all have our secret desires...

So, I say, ok, go, keep on holding on to this man or boy or whatever, if that's what you want. Ride that rollercoaster with him. But stand by that decision. Don't go to him, and then a few hours later, numb yourself with whatever alcoholic drink is on sight because you want to punish yourself for being weak and because you know you want more than what he can offer. If you really wanna keep seeing him and be his friend, driver, shopping companion or whatever, then go to him, enjoy being with him, and then after it's over, be happy and sleep tight. Because that is what you are willing to take.

Someone said contentment is better than happiness. And I say contentment is better than a hangover.

And yet another chapter ends in the life of a corporate slave based somewhere amidst the boondocks (or should I say pineapple and coffee plantations) in the south. Saying goodbye is always bittersweet, and I will definitely miss my housemates and neighbors.

We had an inuman session which was actually a double bday celeb for "Paul" and Jerk. And it was again, hilarious. Albeit, the stories and banter are usually a repeat of previous sessions, it is always funnier the next time around. You just have to be there yourself to say that govsters really do know how to have fun.

And that's just one of the things I will miss. Then, there are the rant sessions that I have with my housemates and closest neighbors under the stars while having a smoke outside the Hagerstown residence. The salu-salo dinners. Poker sessions. Girls night outs (me pa red wine and cheese party pa! hahaha). Badminton. Gym (oh, goodbye gladiator!). "Malling" (ay, Ali, me free movie passes pa pala tayo!). BBQ. Yellow cab/Breton/Starbucks with a view. Waking up AFTER sunrise (aside from being so near to work, there's literally no bathroom queue since I'm the only one girl in the house and the only one who takes long, hehehe).

We are the neighbors who stick together and get scammed together (hahaha, nasan na ba ang subdivision ID natin??!!).

Or are we the neighbors who stick together and diet together? As if. Hahaha. Nobody ever won the bet. Pano ba naman, maya't-maya, me magyayaya - "Comfort food tayo. Stressed ako". After a short silence (as in milliseconds lang), biglang "Tara, go!". O kaya, instead of going to the gym, we go watch a movie instead. No regrets. Ang gwapo-gwapo ni Sam! (project na parang ini-interview sa TV. hahaha) San na nga ba yung morning song natin, Ali?? :p

Most of all, I will miss my two erstwhile housemates, kahit parang laging missing in action si Jerk, and even if he's home, he's mostly stoic. You guys are the sweetest, most thoughtful housemates ever! (Jerk is our resident driver, with matching nagbubukas pa ng pinto! And Allan, when he's the first to get up, would start heating water for our morning baths).

It was fun while it lasted. Salamat, housemates!!

Guess I was right on the money when I said that someone was thinking of me last night, because just a few minutes after I posted my entry, R rang me! ;-) Out of schedule, so 'twas a super duper welcome surprise. We didn't get to talk till tonight though since the signal was quite bad that time. He's somewhere in the high seas, after all.

He's been surprising me with frequent calls lately and I tell ya, giddy! :) Of course, it goes without saying, we miss each other so bad. All the spontaneity, laughter, fun. Haay. Almost broke into a song (something that became a favorite of mine, albeit "borrowed" from Fudz and Markie)...

"These tears I've cried
I've cried 1000 oceans
And if it seems I'm floating in the darkness
Well, I can't believe that I would keep
Keep you from flying
And I would cry 1000 more
If that's what it takes
To sail you home..." - 1000 Oceans, Tori Amos

One of my not-so-secret desires is to spend the rest of my life as a loving partner to my man. While I continue to ground myself on the realities surrounding our relationship, and I even tell my friends that life with "bad" boys are just not meant for longevity, I cannot help but hope that maybe I'm wrong and that we can work this out beyond its predicted shelf-life.

On to secret desires and secret lives... I accidentally found my gay nephew's blog today. I was a little distraught after reading through his entries, not because he is gay (I have known since he was a kid) but because it confirmed my worst fears. The moment I realized that he's gay, I knew he was in for a very challenging life ahead of him, and I feared that the world might be a little more cruel to him than to the rest of us. All I wanted since then was to protect him and I wished that he would never grow up so that he didn't have to deal with acceptance issues, discrimination and heartaches. Let's face it, while times have definitely changed for the better, we have not reached the ideal state where people will no longer be labelled by their sexuality. And then of course living in a predominantly (conservative) Christian country does not help either.

I have a few gay friends who had to live double lives (some of them still do), more specifically, hiding their true selves from their families (parents, specially). My nephew, still a teen, is already living a secret life, pursuing his dream to become a designer without his parents' knowledge. He once sold his cellphone to buy a portable sewing machine but when his lola found out, she threw a fit. Too bad because he was not able to rework my old capris which he was suppposed to lace up. I finally got them back last weekend, untouched, a seeming reminder of a dream, or worse, a life, being snuffed out. It's sad, really. And all I want to tell him is that it is ok to be him and that I love him now as I loved him the first time I saw him when he was a newly-born baby.

He hasn't officially come out, but like I said, I've always known. Everyone knows, I guess, except my sister (his mom), who's in denial and so is his absentee dad (works abroad). And that is probably his biggest heartache of all.

I just woke up after taking a nap early tonight. Couldn't get back to sleep. Someone must be thinking of me right now. Harhar.

Still not in the mood for Fish, I found myself browsing thru my '02 archives. Finally know the answer to one of our caught-in-traffic-with-friends questions: "What was the sweetest thing you've ever done for your loved one?" I could not think of anything special then. But then I read about how I threw a surprise birthday party for an ex circa 2001 back In Oregon. Wow. I do "sweet" after all. Hehehe.

I sounded so young then.

"Time really flies fast... It's all becoming so real now... Three more months, and I'll be packing my bags again. I didn't feel this way a couple of years ago. Sad. Apprehensive. Back then, it was just part of my routine. I've never stayed long enough anywhere to get attached. But it's different now. It's been exactly a year since I arrived in Manila from my last assignment. This is the longest I've been in one place since I started living a nomadic life 5 years ago. But it's not just the length of time. Now I have a home - this tiny condo unit filled with orange and green furniture and purple knick-knacks. My room was a witness to those sleepless nights I spent crying my heart out, my Piglet pillow dutifully absorbing all the tears. This is where I’ve discovered the real meaning of independence. This couch I'm sitting on is my official work space. The previous times, I really wasn't leaving my family, because they already live oceans away, anyway. But now I've formed and renewed friendships with people I've spent a lot of time with, and who were with me when I felt the loneliest. They made me laugh… reflect on life... They are friends who’ve helped me as I healed from all the pain in the past. They are friends who are dear to me. Friends I love.

I may just be getting tired of living out of my suitcase. I may be a little scared of the new challenges coming my way. I may just be getting old. Whatever it is, for the first time, I dislike the idea of leaving. Because even when I was in Manila and not in some place outside our country, I've never really felt like I was home. So it never felt like I was actually leaving… I was just going somewhere… on and on.. It didn't matter to where. I was just drifting from one place to another. But now, I’ve actually stopped drifting long enough to be home once again, after a long time..."

So much has happened since then. In spite of finally getting my own condo unit, it's the first time in years I'm thinking of moving again. But this time around, I'm planning to go where my heart is taking me... and hope this time around, it will be for good :)

I watched this teen flick (yeah, yet another mild obsession, hahaha) called Aquamarine a couple of weekends ago. In one of the scenes, the mermaid asked the human teenager why everyone seems to be so caught up in this thing called love. "I guess that's why everybody wants it. Love is the closest thing to magic".

Magic. I don't know about Webster, but for me magic is this inexplicable, indescribable awe you feel over something. Over someone. The someone who makes all worries and aches go away, even if somehow that someone is what caused the worries and aches in the first place. Awww. How so high school. Hahaha. Yet, somehow, when we are hit with something magical, we just don't ever wanna let it go.

Almost six months down the road, I still feel giddy with excitement every time I hear his voice, or even just the beep on my phone in the middle of the night which I know for sure is a message from my someone who is oceans (and time zones) away from me. And as each day passes, one of the happy thoughts that never fails to lighten up my mood (which has been ranging from bad to worst lately, but I don't wanna go there) is knowing that it will only be a matter of time, when that magic is within my reach once more. Then, finally, I can watch him sleep again. Or feel his butterfly kisses. And so much more ;)

Yeah, yeah, I'm one half-crazy lovefool. And I'm proud of it. Hahaha.

"Know I havent slept a week at all
Since you've been gone
And my eyes are kinda tired
From crying all night long
Know I've never been too good at cooking just for one
It's so lonely here without you darling
Come back home

'Cause I'm half crazy
Feelin' sorry for myself
Half crazy
Worried you'd find someone else to love"

One of my colleagues chatted up with me after work hours today. We're not particularly close, but I find myself ranting about general work stuff with random work peers lately. I guess it's because we get each other. No need to finish sentences, we know all there is to it, because we have lived this life day in, day out, for so many years now. She told me what she likes best about her "new" job is because people in the floor always seem to have a good disposition because they take it one day at a time. They have daily targets (or shiftly, even), and that's mostly what they care about. Not so much of the mid-term, long-term BS the rest of us has to deal with.

And I realize that's what I need to do to keep me sane. Take it one day at a time. One battle at a time. So for today, my battle was whether to skip school or not, because it was a harried weekend (flash flood and all), and I barely had rest and I was feeling woozy the whole day (not to mention really irritable). Darn, 2 days just flew by so fast. So I decided to spend my allowable 1 absence. It was a good time since there was no homework to pass. Although it's too early to be enjoying my 1 day of freedom (this is only the 3rd session out of eight). Howell, what is done is done. I'll just call prof to catch up on what I missed. Argh. The price to pay.

Anyways, weekend was lots of lurve as I spent it with the fam. Talk time with R was nil since I slept on him (again, it was a harried weekend), but I know he understands. I miss him so bad and thinking about him is about the only thing that makes my day bright nowadays (ok, not the only thing really, but one of the few, just the same). I'm still counting the days till he gets back home, but now it's more of a glass half-full kind of thing. Just 2 and a half more months. Yeyness.

Friday was an intertesting day. Lunch was at Pinoydon (a Fil-Jap fusion resto) and I loved the food.

I ordered chicken teriyaki (I know, boring), but this was a fave comfort food back in Oregon (circa 2000) with the ex (of then). Hehehe. Good times. Good memories. Never fails as pick-me-upper. E also ordered this Manila style maki (complete with garlic toppings, nice). I wanted to get the green tea ice cream. Next time, maybe :)

A and I then proceeded to a land so far away for this event ;) It was aliw and bad trip trip alternating throughout the night. Aliw - rediscovering this place (also connected to an ex, another set of good memories, hehehe). Bad trip - the wait. Nobody respects call times, I guess. Don't wanna generalize. Pero we were super early and then, everyone else was also late. Asar! Aliw - eye candy galore! Gosh. I missed going to events like this. Bad trip - all the anorexic prima donna models who refused to get their faces touched by make up artists. Hello. Rissa Samson, president of PMA, walked in with so much grace yet without all the kaartehan. She didn't even mind getting made up in a makeshift make up area (as in outside, humidity at its worst, make up getting lusaw all over the place). And that's the aliw part. (Let's include the part where we acted like starstruck kids and asked for a picture with her. Wahahaha. Kabaduyan galore). Bad trip - getting stuck in the backstage because the rain poured like crazy and we couldn't get inside the theatre where the show was about to start. Aliw - almost bumping into Gary Estrada (cuteness!) as we were struggling to protect ourselves from getting wet. Bad trip - making tambay outside the men's room (also doubling as dressing room) because we had nowhere else to go. Aliw - A doing Rissa's body make up and Gary talking to us, checking if he can use the men's room. Starstruck mode #2. Bad trip - getting soaked and tripping in front of like the whole balcony audience. Wahaha. Aliw - nice show. Seriously. Bad trip - the traffic on the way home. As in, ALL THE WAY HOME. Wtf. Traffic @ midnight. Found out that the rain caused flood, which in turn caused way too much traffic.

Oh well. This is Manila, after all.

Sometimes I'm afraid to get too happy. Almost inevitably, gloom sets in as soon as the euphoria fades. It almost feels like my body is trying to tone down the endorphins by injecting err, anti-endorphins (ok, so I made this word up).

I remember an incident where I went out with my MBA barkada and we all had a blast at one of the bars in Timog. We were laughing all night, and it wasn't even a drunken gimik. We were all just really on a natural high. (Enough to have given me the courage to go up the stage and sing with the band, but that's a story I've told once before ;)). Erstwhile bestie and I were still at the peak of our "special friendship" and that just made the night even more magical. But when I woke up the following morning, I felt a certain emptiness that I couldn't quite place. All of a sudden, I missed the crazy, noisy kulitan of friends, I missed bestie's antics, and strangely, without any warning, it easily became one of my saddest mornings. And I didn't even understand it then. Soon after I received SMS messages from my friends, including bestie, telling me they just felt sad that day. I almost jumped for joy, realizing what I was going through wasn't abnormal after all.

I had a few more similar experiences after that episode. Like a whole manic-depressive cycle. So through all my euphoric state the last few days, I was already half-anctipating that dreaded morning-after feeling. During times where gloom reared it's ugly head, I always managed to slap it away.

Every attempt was succesful. Except tonight. When I realized it's been 3 months since R left. And how I miss him more each day. Time just seem to drag on and on, I can almost hear the clock tick second by second. It's driving me crazy. Crazy enough to be impulse buying anything that suits my fancy. Shopping is my new R. Haha. Anyway, my heart finally just gave in, and I started to sob. So there it was. The inevitable sigh. Or cry.

I miss R. Hard as it may be to admit, all this shopping is really about him. More precisely, about tryng to get him off my mind. But it's no use. I miss you, love. Come home na.

That R shared with me his experience of being in San Diego for the first time was a lovely thing. Finding this flip-flop organizer was another ;)

Kiyosaki must be unhappy once again. This week, I got a bunch of stuff for my upcoming vacation at the beach (shades, sunscreen, fuschia light hoodie), boxing outfits (white and pink bottoms) plus Nike water bottle, more kikay stuff from L'Oreal, Mac and The Body Shop and cologne for the boyfriend, and a bag to match with my current fave, gold metallic Havs.




Well, as long as I and my shopping buddy Ali are happy, I'm turning my back on Kiyosaki. At least for the moment ;)

Whoever invented shopping gets a high mark from me, though. Happiness! :)