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OF SECRET LIVES AND DESIRES (Part I)

Published Sunday, September 17, 2006 by XY | E-mail this post

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Guess I was right on the money when I said that someone was thinking of me last night, because just a few minutes after I posted my entry, R rang me! ;-) Out of schedule, so 'twas a super duper welcome surprise. We didn't get to talk till tonight though since the signal was quite bad that time. He's somewhere in the high seas, after all.

He's been surprising me with frequent calls lately and I tell ya, giddy! :) Of course, it goes without saying, we miss each other so bad. All the spontaneity, laughter, fun. Haay. Almost broke into a song (something that became a favorite of mine, albeit "borrowed" from Fudz and Markie)...

"These tears I've cried
I've cried 1000 oceans
And if it seems I'm floating in the darkness
Well, I can't believe that I would keep
Keep you from flying
And I would cry 1000 more
If that's what it takes
To sail you home..." - 1000 Oceans, Tori Amos

One of my not-so-secret desires is to spend the rest of my life as a loving partner to my man. While I continue to ground myself on the realities surrounding our relationship, and I even tell my friends that life with "bad" boys are just not meant for longevity, I cannot help but hope that maybe I'm wrong and that we can work this out beyond its predicted shelf-life.

On to secret desires and secret lives... I accidentally found my gay nephew's blog today. I was a little distraught after reading through his entries, not because he is gay (I have known since he was a kid) but because it confirmed my worst fears. The moment I realized that he's gay, I knew he was in for a very challenging life ahead of him, and I feared that the world might be a little more cruel to him than to the rest of us. All I wanted since then was to protect him and I wished that he would never grow up so that he didn't have to deal with acceptance issues, discrimination and heartaches. Let's face it, while times have definitely changed for the better, we have not reached the ideal state where people will no longer be labelled by their sexuality. And then of course living in a predominantly (conservative) Christian country does not help either.

I have a few gay friends who had to live double lives (some of them still do), more specifically, hiding their true selves from their families (parents, specially). My nephew, still a teen, is already living a secret life, pursuing his dream to become a designer without his parents' knowledge. He once sold his cellphone to buy a portable sewing machine but when his lola found out, she threw a fit. Too bad because he was not able to rework my old capris which he was suppposed to lace up. I finally got them back last weekend, untouched, a seeming reminder of a dream, or worse, a life, being snuffed out. It's sad, really. And all I want to tell him is that it is ok to be him and that I love him now as I loved him the first time I saw him when he was a newly-born baby.

He hasn't officially come out, but like I said, I've always known. Everyone knows, I guess, except my sister (his mom), who's in denial and so is his absentee dad (works abroad). And that is probably his biggest heartache of all.





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