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Published Monday, November 03, 2003 by XY | E-mail this post

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THE LONG DRIVE HOME
"Yesterday, I cried, ...
for all the days, for all the ways, and all the times I had dishonored, disrespected, and disconnected my Self from myself,
only to have it reflected back to me in ways others did to me..." - Iyanla Vanzant, Yesterday, I Cried

When he didn't come as he promised, I should have stuck to my gut feel and stayed here. He sent his barkada to fetch me. I should just have given them the money he needed and spent my weekend with my family. But I didn't. I didn't visit my sister who just gave birth, didn't go to the family gathering for my other sister's birthday. Instead, I went to him. I really don't fully understand why. I had known since the day he arrived here, and even before that, what I had wanted to know. But I guess I needed to feel and experience it firsthand. The reality already slapped me in the face before, but I guess I needed to be beaten black and blue before I finally packed my bags and leave. I drove back yesterday. Alone. Through three provinces. All 8 hours of it. I got stopped in a checkpoint once, and the officer asked me why I was driving alone and where my husband was. I gave him a weak smile. And as I drove away, I couldn't help the tears from falling. The road started to become blurry before me, and I just drove as fast as I could, hitting one poor chicken on the way, but I didn't want to look back. I just wanted to get away as far as possible, from him, from all the pain.. everything... He didn't even have the decency to come home before I left. Maybe he was afraid to see hatred in my eyes. But all that's really left now is sadness. Because I let this go on as long as it has. Because I kept hanging on to his words, his promises. All empty. Worthless. And now he's saying sorry. For everything in general, but nothing in particular. Is he sorry for all the nights he didn't come home while I was there? Sorry for being with God-knows-who while I lulled his children to sleep, woke up every now and then to get their milk? Sorry for taking a girl somewhere, in my own freaking car, spending more time with her/them instead of being with me? Sorry because I had to hear a woman's laughter in the background while I sat there, amidst his family, before his father's grave, feeling so out of place and so ALONE? Sorry for all the empty promises? Sorry for the lies? Sorry that I kept believing him? Sorry that he played me good? Sorry for what? And in the end, it doesn't matter. I forgive him. It's myself that I have a hard time forgiving. But I'll get there. I was able to find my way home, without a map, without directions. All I did was follow the asphalted road back to where I was supposed to be in the first place. With guts, will, a bit of strength and belief in myself, plus lots of prayers along the way, I made it back safe. With that formula, I think I'll find my way to forgiveness and self-healing... eventually..





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