Love and Other Drugs is a feel-good movie. It's a story about our humanity, and how, no matter how bad or evil we think we are, love changes us. Love is a great equalizer. Not matter how rich, smart, beautiful, experienced we are, love will make us do things we sometimes think we're not capable of.

Labels: love, movies, relationships

"The minute you stop talking, you become roommates.." - Lipstick Jungle

Labels: R, relationships

In our culture, the family of your partner is always part of the package, whether you like it or not. Or make that, whether you like them or not. In two of my biggest relationships, I became very close to their families, especially their mothers. In fact, in my tumultuous relationship, one of the reasons I stayed that long (aside from sheer stupidity, haha) was his mother. She managed to make me feel like it was all a phase and that I had all her love and support. 

Labels: R, relationships, thoughts

While outside, the winds are heavy and blowing against my window panes, the storm within me is raging as well. I've spent weeks trying to figure out if everything is still worth fighting for, and in that time I felt love and not-love struggling to outdo each other. 

Labels: Frank, R, relationships

Sieg jokingly told me, I'm a high maintenance gf. Much as I would like to protest, there is some truth to that. Not in a materialistic way. But in a way that I expect nothing less than grandness from the person who claims to love me. I would do the same for love, and for most other things. So why should I settle for something less?

Relationships are quite tricky. Sometimes, we think we've become better versions of ourselves. But when we look closely in the mirror, we realize that we compromised too much of who we really are, that person has started to fade in the background. And that is never a good thing. What if the relationship fails? How can you bounce back if you don't even know who you are anymore?

They always say you can't truly love someone unless you love yourself first. And loving yourself means never losing yourself in the process of loving. This is me not settling. This is me not losing myself. So if somewhere down the line, R can't keep up, then, too bad. But life goes on. It always does.

Labels: love, relationships

Too many words have been said between us the last couple of weeks. Admittedly, the fact that I'm getting little sleep or that I'm quite booked and stressed at work, aggravates the situation. Crankiness to the highest level.

At one point he told me he'd rather stop speaking to me than have a fight with me. Argh. Asar. How about resolving our issues? Admittedly, though, there are no easy answers to our "issues" just yet.

So for now we called a truce. He told me our fights were giving him sleepless nights, and I definitely know how that feels, so I don't wish that on him. Besides, he's oceans away from here and I know it's not easy to be away from his loved ones. And he has a lot of things on his mind as well. His Tita, who is really more of like a mom to him, had a diabetic stroke last year, and had gone into a coma, the day before he was scheduled to go back to work in the States. She eventually recovered, but she has to go thru dialysis every week.

One of my heartaches is that I'm far away from my family and that I'm not going to be there immediately if they need me. And whatever heartache I feel, I'm sure it's double or triple for him, because it's not like he can just book himself a flight at will. And just recently, he learned that the doctors may need to cut-off one of his Tita's feet due to a wound which got worse. Grabeh. So of course I feel so small for adding to his worries. We will just deal with all this relationship blues when it's time. And I guess now is not yet the time.

For now, I'll just hang on to the love we still have for each other. Hopefully it will help get us through this low point in our relationship.

P.S. Also not helping our relationship is the latest turn of events. My biz trip was pushed back to late April, and it overlaps with a trip we've planned when he comes back that month. To add to that, a side trip to visit my best friend in Cali is now less likely to happen, given my tight sked. I was tempted to say no to the biz trip because it means time less away from him during his short home leave. But then again, that is a great career opportunity for me. I thought I'm over being a career person, but I'm not. Thankfully, a compromise is highly likely. So cross fingers for that. But damn you Cebu Pacific for non-refundable tickets!

Labels: R, relationships

I've always been a believer in the law of the effortless - if it's too easy, then it's probably meant to be. But in the real world, effortless is as fleeting as the wind.

Things have become more difficult between the boy and I. The reality of us being in different places (literally and figuratively) at this point of our lives is slowly eating away everything that brought us together in the first place.

I'm not pressed to make any decision right now, but it's heartbreaking to think that the ending of our fairytale will soon unfold. And it's not the happily-ever-after kind...

Labels: life, love, R, relationships

I was telling R about my frustration on this long distance dance of ours. Told him, this relationship is not normal and I miss normal. And I soon as I said that, I realized I don't even know what normal means. I looked back in all my relationships - every single one of them, and I couldn't find one that fits that bill of normal. All the relationships that I've had, yes, even the ones in high school or even the puppy love in grade school, have been anything but.

Let's talk about puppy love K. As most kids do, his way of showing me his affection was via embarrassing me in front of other young boys or picking a fight with me. And my way of showing mine was throwing away the sketch he made of me in the trash can (only to pick it up again as soon as everyone left the room, but that's another story). And in all our "courtship" period, we kept doing this ping-pong of hurt each other (albeit in a very childish way) in our efforts to show each other we liked each other.

How about my high school relationships? There's C who my parents hated because he was a grandson of the political nemesis of my grandfather. We eventually broke up, because aside from the family feud pressure, I also found out he was still in love with an ex, who incidentally, is one of R's best friends now (actually the wife of his best friend, but yeah, they are good friends as well). How so very friendster of us.

And there's J, who was 2 years younger than me, and that got one of my teachers telling me I was like "an old cow eating young grass". Yeah. I was already an old cow at 15. (And the realization just hit me, I'm talking about a so-called relationship of a 15-yr old and a 13-yr old. And that is not normal in so many ways!)

Now college may have been the closest I ever got to normal. If normal means, living in your own little world. Because that was how it was with C2. And it all worked perfectly, until I rediscovered the world outside - my dreams, new friends, vast opportunities. Getting involved in student politics did more to me than just open my views and my horizons. It saved me from an early marriage. (And how is this not normal? I don't even want to begin to count the ways).

The 2nd relationship that got closest to normal was with R-1. Except that when we first got together, he was still very much in love with his ex, as I was with mine. And yeah, another friendster testimonial, turns out my ex was his former grade school classmate and barkada. I almost left R-1 because my ex, M, suddenly reappeared in my life after a year, professing he has been looking for me (I already lived in another city at that time). But then I remembered why I broke up with him - because aside from me, he had girlfriends in the rest of the campuses of our university, and there were more than 3 campuses! Going back to R-1, he was great, a very good man like C2. And eventually, we got over the rebound thing and had a great thing going. Until work started to take us away from each other. He travelled a lot, I travelled a lot. He made peace with his ex without telling me, and they became each other's confidants, which was already going on for 2 years before I found out. And eventually I fell in love with someone else. Fast forward 5 years later, he makes his peace with me, and he told me he was still very in love with me. And he was also already very married. And fast forward 2 more years later, his wife (who's practically a stranger, an acquaintance at best, adds me in her friendster).

Let's go back to M, who, another 7 years later, once again reappeared in my life, professing his undying love (and that he has been looking for me, again). I almost caved, except that he sounded very drunk, as he did that one other time. Good thing for me (or so I thought), I was about to leave at the time. I went to the States for work, only to get back a year later, bruised and beaten. And I only have this to say about B - I don't normally have any regrets in my life, but they say there's always an exception to the rule, and he is that exception.

M, btw, was still very much waiting for me after that US assignment, and a few more months later, I finally saw him, after 8 years, only to get the closure I never got with him. When we saw each other, I barely knew the man I declared as my greatest love (it did take me nearly 3 years to get over him). I finally said my goodbyes to the man I credit my smoking habit for, as well as the reason why I left home right after graduation. Ironically, he was not there to say goodbye. Whereas years back, he was doing the hurting, he wanted to do the healing this time. But it's true what they say - you eventually forget, even if the road is long and narrow. And I had forgotten.

I should also mention the string of relationships with different variants of unavailable men, emotionally or otherwise. Still no luck in finding normal.

Which brings me back to R and my constant search for normalcy in our relationship and my realization that I couldn't even define normal because I never had that. And maybe that's sad. Or maybe it just means what's normal is the un-normal. And that maybe being with a good man, who makes you laugh when the world seems to have fallen down on you, who makes you feel safe when the things you believe in suddenly seem like big fat lies, no matter how far away he is, is as good as it gets.

Labels: love, R, relationships

September 18, 2004, 1AM:

I decided to hit the mall after work for a few minutes to get rent money, buy my cig supply for next week and just walk around to decompress.. The mall is my solace. There I can be anonymous and have precious hours to myself, away from all my work and 'lovelife' troubles.

I purposedly avoided going within 2km radius of my favorites shops, lest I go into my I'm-heartbroken-so-I-deserve-a-new-top-or-whatever-suits-my-fancy frenzy.. Hehe.. I've already vowed many times before, that I will not let any man be a reason to drain my bank account via unplanned visits to the spa, salon (and later on curse the high heavens for the dreaded I-was-depressed-so-I-had-my-hair-done-ok?! haircut) or unplanned shoe/CD/clothes/DVD/kikay purchases. I can do that on my own account, thank you very much. :)

But, my shopping maniac nature just wouldn't escape me. So, determined not to go beyond 1,000 pesos, I decided to humour myself and buy, you know.. stuff I NEED. So if that was the only money I have left, I used it up on the ff:

1. Marlboro Lights, 1 rim - ~P300
2. Contraceptive Pills - ~P500 (Ok, dude, don't react! Prescribed by my OB for health reasons! hehe)
3. Book - The Breakup Diaries by Maya Calica - P150 (Well, I needed a distraction from my recent "breakup" story.. I wanted to buy Cosmo, but the title was just too inviting to pass up.. No regrets. I was truly entertained. My review below.. His is a lot more comprehensive, though) 4. Parking fee - P40, and I had a few pesos left to boot! :)

I left the mall, feeling quite happy and ready to go back to work (on a Friday night, yes!), and realized I probably made a couple of contradicting purchases. So I SMS'd my two best friends (both doctors) - "Ey, can I smoke while on the pill?".. Best Friend A "No, mam. :( Prone to forming clots even if you don't have wounds. Can cause clogged blood vessels". Best Friend L "As if you'll stop smoking if I say you can't! Hehe.. Nah, won't kill you now. Prolly 10-15 years later".. I just love how different my friends are. But of course, L is right. If I had to choose between the risk of getting pregnant, vs not smoking, I'd obviously take the 1st option. Hehe.
So anyways, I ended up reading the book when I got home. It's an easy read so I was done in time to still catch the folks in the U.S. and complete my work deliverables for the week. Yay me!
The book is entertaining, like I said. Every woman, who ever experienced a break up, imagined or otherwise, no matter what age or size, can relate. She wrote her novel in the manner of Bridget Jones. I found it distracting, sometimes, but The Breakup Diaries is funny and witty, and I would admit, I couldn't put it down.

I saw myself in Monica, well, not for the part where she would confess her sins every so often.. "... I've allowed him to, uhm, sort of touch me.. below my neck, Father..".. LOL. "A watched phone never beeps".. Another laugh. I had had to resort to putting my phone on silent mode, because I was already hearing my Itsuomo ringing tone even when it wasn't ringing, as I was constantly expecting for HIM to text or call, which he used to do, like daily, and all throughout the day. Nyeta o. Detox! (What do you know. After one day of no word from him, he SMS'd me with "Hi my friend".. "Friend mo mukha mo!", was my first thought balloon.. Though I really wanted to say, "Gago, I miss you". But finally replied with "Hi ka rin".. Argh. I've mutated into a teenager. If this were a scene from a movie, it would be from "30 Going 13"!)

Every woman who's been scorned has had to gather up all her strength and willpower not to cave with low attempts to jerk her feelings around by way of missed calls, drunken or sporadic SMS's, or random calls (like every 3-weeks random!).

Fought the urge to call Itos or even text back. Felt texting back would make me a major loo-hoo-ser. But, OK, will admit was going to reply except suddenly could not find name in the phone book. Just then, "DON'T TEXT HIM" was calling me.

Every woman who's been scorned has gone through psychoanalysis, doing a post mortem on failed relationships, and deconstructing the past to understand WHY, in the manner of:

Reasons why Itos broke up with me (must be written down, again and again, lest I forget!):

1. I'm too nice -- Itos's words
2. "He's too cute for you" - Giselle's point ( reassess friendship with G)
3. "He's an asshole" -- Teray's opinion (everyone is entitled to one)
4. I didn't sleep with him -- Raj's demented reasoning

Lol again. This book is worth it. (Though I have to reconsider if this will really be part of my last 1,000 peso purchases... I have to leave something for food and water, I suppose..)

Come to think of it, getting over a breakup is not that bad.. You know you're going to get better at it, the next time around.. It is also really quite funny. You can't help but laugh at your own eccentricities. The things you do. Good thing you have friends who can accept you, no matter how crazy you get. Chances are, they've had their moments like that, anyways. Right, dude?? :)

September 18, 2004, 11AM:

Just finished my early Saturday/late U.S. Friday meeting. Am hungry. Oh, phone just lit! Message from... "IGNORE HIM! HE'S BAD FOR YOU!!" :D

Labels: book review, life, relationships

My best friend tells me something I already know.

But there are things I know about my heart:

1. It's very stubborn.
2. It can be weak.
3. More often than not, it wins over my head.

I know, a few more days and I'll be ok again. Better to get hurt now, big time, rather than carry on, and deal with a little bit of pain in between several moments of happiness. Coz not everything is about happiness. Specially not your own. Specially when it's at the expense of others.

Someday, there will be happiness that doesn't come with a price.

Labels: heartache, relationships

"I wouldn't know better than to get scared
Cause since we've met we've had this great connection
"You know concrete colored buildings all grow stale"
You say as I look up dreaming
I know better than to include the both of us
But I can't sleep when your gone
And you say "what's another day?"" - What's Another Day, Maria Mena

I know that we should have stopped the first time we said goodbye. After the third goodbye, you'd think we'd finally have the heart to end our misery. But now we're back to where we started.. Slightly awkward, but we're slowly dipping our toes into the waters once more. I should walk away. But I keep telling myself, how can I walk away from someone who makes my heart feel giddy yet be content with the slightest touch or a mere hello? Sigh.

In other news, since I made (and not able to do all) my to-do-before-I-turn-30 list, I decided I will, instead, strive to do something I've never done before each year. In 2002, I went bungee jumping and skydiving. 2003, I did something quite personal and undid it (or began the process) before the year ended.. For 2004, it's donating blood. Yes, I've never done this. Needles and blood freak me out. I hate physical pain. But I did it! I conquered my fear. And it's for a good cause to boot. Yey me! :)

Labels: donating blood, relationships

"From the first time
You laid your lips on mine
It feels like the smile on my face
Will last till the end of time
But Im not so sure
That you're the one that I should pursue
My mind tells me no
But my heart only says that it's you" - Falling, Keahiwai

Sigh.

I'm obviously in one of those moods. I've been blogging more often than I had the last few months. Argh. What is wrong? Three months ago, I was nasusuka with these guy's style. I admit, I "noticed" him the first time I saw him, but I dismissed the thought as soon as I knew what I had to know. How could this happen? He's been on my mind the whole weekend. I deleted his number as soon as we said our goodbyes but he caved and text'd me this morning, this lunch, tonight. And all I wanna do is call and hear his voice. Argh again. Punyeta talaga. Sayang lang my loot yesterday if I don't stay strong and convicted.

Last night I watched "The Notebook" because friends told me nakakaiyak daw and I wanted to cry. But I didn't. Is it just me? I really wasn't touched by all this true love drama. Have I become callous? But here's the clincher. I watched Laws of Attraction and I cried when they were talking about people who get a divorce are those who chose not to fight for their marriage. Breaking up should be the last resort and all that talk. Ouch.

And in another movie, I like this line, ""Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind." I should say that whenever someone tells me "You make me feel young again".. Ha ha.

Anyways, in other news, for the first time in years, I had to ask for my parents help. And I called them kanina to thank them. They helped without any questions asked. And I said I will make bawi to them na lang soon.. And my dad told me this and it made me cry "Anak, di na kelangan bumawi.. Kahit ano gagawin namin ni mama para sa inyong mga anak namin.." Haay.. Grabe. No matter what I do, no matter who I've become, they will always love me unconditionally. In the end, they are all I have. My family. And that is one truth that is keeping me sane amidst all this bullshit.

Labels: family, movies, relationships

"I could use a fresh beginning tooAll of my regrets are nothing new" - Learning to Breathe, Switchfoot

Someone is stirring up my heart again. Someone is making me smile. But once again this someone is someone I should not fall for. And my mind and my heart are once again clashing...

And with how things have been so rough lately, I am welcoming his gentleness and his sweetness, and his adoration is just so overwhelming.

And I'm happy. But I shouldn't be.

Is it always going to be like this?

Labels: life, relationships

" My hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption... " Vindicated, Dashboard Confessional

After the nuisance from the married man last week, and the momentary kilig from muscle boy, I got a hard slap from the past. I've been avoiding the ex for several months now since he came home but I found myself in a hotel with his family last week. He's been having some problems and has only told me about it. His mom knows a little of it, but as always the proud man that he is, he would never admit defeat or despair to anyone. Perhaps only to me. I guess I earned that when we were still together. But what about now? I don't even know what we are to each other anymore.

But, I loved the man so dearly, and admittedly I love him still, so I could not will myself to turn my back on him. And for one day or so, we were the man and woman we used to be. And it was peaceful yet surreal. I could not even remember how long ago it was we were just happy and content like that. We used to be able to talk and talk about anything without getting at each other's nerves. We used to laugh a lot. We used to hold hands like we were kids just starting to fall in love and steal kisses when no one was looking. And it ached when we had to let go of each other as we hugged goodbye, yet once again. And I was thinking, gawd, how many times have we done this? And how many times will I allow myself to go through this?

Now everything is the way they should be. He is there. I am here. We are both living our separate lives. Just like it's meant to be. Yes, I love him, so much that it hurts. But with him, there will never be peace. It will always be tumultuous, and I cannot live like that. And I'm scared that I may never love again like I love him, but I'm also looking forward to something maybe not as strong, but more lasting and stable. We were never supposed to have everything anyways.

Labels: exes, relationships

This weekend started bad. After last week's i'm-beginning-to-lose-faith-in-men episode, I had another one this week. This time involving a married MBA classmate. Men just continue to puzzle me. You'd think after all this time, I'd have them figured out. But no. Something new always comes up. Anyhoo, don't wanna go into details anymore, but suffice to say, I spent the whole Saturday warding off his invitations to go out with him. I was short of telling him, go spend your holiday with your wife and kids, you a$@&&#$!

But then, just a few hours ago, I met this smart, funny, and not to mention very buff, single and available man, who is a friend of a friend. He cared enough to ask what I thought of him. Don't know where this will all lead. But the more important thing is, I know they're still out there. Decent, single men, who are also smart, and if I'm lucky, good-looking too.. :)

Labels: boys, relationships

So goes the age-old question popularized by the movie "When Harry Met Sally"... I had honestly believed this was seriously possible. For years and years, I have formed close friendships with the opposite sex which I can say are truly platonic.. No malice, no nothing. Barkada lang. Or so I thought.

Having been friends with these guys for at least 7 years, all of a sudden, things were not as they should be. At least 3 of my closest male friends made a pass at me, and just thinking about it, makes me wanna puke. It feels so incestuous. And not only that.. It's obvious to me that if we have stayed platonic friends for that long, then I have already written off any possibility of that friendship going any further than that. Either I'm not physically attracted (more often the case), or that... OK. It's really just that. And the reason why we're still friends is that there's something else that makes us click and connect, but just not on a romantic or sexual level. I get that. And I thought they get that too.

Apparently not. Last weekend, male friend #1 who has been a good buddy of mine since high school, suddenly frickin' attempted to feel me up. 'Nyeta. At this rate, I'm going to end up with zero male friends. Just don't want to deal with this kind of thing, on top of everything else going on. I'm just wondering why being "one of the boys" worked when I was younger, and now, it seems to mean something else to these men whom I've considered friends for a long time. It's just so sad. But then again, nowadays, I choose the things I want to worry about. This is one thing I can just walk away from. Even if it means saying goodbye to these guys.

Labels: boys, relationships

It's amazing how we meet people and they stay in our lives unexpectedly. It was a very good friend's birthday the other day, and it was also the anniversary of the first time we met four years ago. Through all this time, and in spite of the distance, and despite the times when either of us falls silent by choice or circumstance, he has remained one of the dearest persons to me...

In other news, life has been kind of dull lately. Yet, the drama always unfolds around me... Elsewhere, friend A just committed adultery, and she is one of the most sensible persons I know. Love really is a strange thing. Another friend got pregnant so she went into this frenzy in pulling in her wedding, only to find she has a blighted ovum... Life can be so ironic sometimes. Lastly, Friend C met the perfect guy, who believes she is also the perfect girl, only the situation's not so perfect as the guy has a long term girlfriend.. Love can be such a pain in the arse. :)

Oh well. As for me, all I want right now is to get some sleep... Have a good weekend, everyone.. Off I go.. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.........

Labels: friends, life, love, relationships

And yet I find myself so numb. There is so much confusion, so much drama, that I just feel like I need to let the world pause for a while. So that I'll have time to breathe.

Today I went furniture window shopping. I'm excited about my soon to be first own home. It's a bit scary to be relocating again. I have to find new drinking water supplier, laundry shops, take out/delivery restos, etc... And I've gotten adjusted here. I like the proximity to the malls and all the important places (like LTO). But, going out of your comfort zone is never an easy thing. Yet, it's only by doing so that you can keep moving forward.

The other day I said no to the ex, after forever trying to be nice to him to maintain "peace".. But I'll never find real peace until I exorcise him out of my life. But it's not yet time to do that fully. There are still some court fees he needs to pay. And he can be nasty so I have to play it cool.. Else I might end up owing America money that I'm not supposed to owe in the first place. But at least, I did not run around like mad, just to do errands for him. Two plus points for me. Yey.

I miss my family. I've been too tired to go visit them. My older sister told me I should never hesitate to call them whenever I'm in a jam. But I tend to exclude them whenever that happens. I love them too much to hurt them. I'd rather suffer alone. But sometimes, I need to humble myself, and acknowledge that I cannot always do things on my own. The baggage is getting heavier and heavier, and they are ever so willing to take some load off me. I'll be forever thankful, just knowing that..

I need to go away soon. Somewhere I can hear the waves, or the birds...

Labels: exes, life, relationships

Alcohol consumption: 1 lychee martini (yum!). Caffeine intake: 1 Moroccan Mint Tea Latte from Coffee Bean (my fave), 1 Coke Light, 1 Regular Coke, 1 Nescafe from the vendo. Cigarette breaks: lots.

Today was quite lovely. Despite the rains, I was able to meet up with an old friend. We talked about love and marriage, pregnancy, miscarriages and how we always want the guy who cannot seem to stay put in one place. But at the end of the day, we want a guy who is there waiting for us to come home. The stable, sweet, nice guy for keeps, but the emotionally unattainable not-so-nice guy on the side. Are we the bachelorettes of the new millenium?

Anyhoo, I've been crushing on one of my techicians since I met him in one of our get-togethers. Obvious note to self: hello, code of conduct?!. Well, it was his birthday today and after my engineers greeted him on email, I also chimed in. And he replied. To me. Alone. Just a thank you note. With a smiley. Pogi points: 1 million. I got kilig. Grabeh ha. Ang babaw ko. Hahaha.

Labels: boys, life, relationships

I've talked about my last relationship, and about the abuse and the trauma.. But still, there are some details that I have left out, most of them too ugly and painful to be retold, and some of them, just truths i don't wanna deal with. Until I declared to my best friend that I want to seek professional help.

Yes, I've been thinking about it, even dreamed about it. Nothing in my blog may have hinted that until now. But things have gotten even crazier than before. Try starting up a product a month after a major life-threatening surgery, then ramp it up to 1MU/week, while going through a major court case. And somewhere in between, throw in abusive spats with the ex.

I've refused to involve my family in this, and none of them know the extent of what I'm going through, because I don't want them to go through the same agony and pain. I've involved my friends but most times, I just shut them out because I don't want to become their burden. Somewhere along the way, I formed friendships with the wrong men, probably thinking there's less collateral damage with them, just mostly my own.

But today my best friend called me up. And in those 18 years of friendship, I had never known she has gone through a similar situation that I had. She chose to downplay it, and she chose to keep quiet about the real deal. Until now. Until she saw me spiralling down, and allowing myself to do so. And I shed a tear or two, not for myself this time, but for her who had to endure it all alone. She stayed in that abusive relationship for more than a year, because she was so sure she was not worthy to be with anyone else. She did her best to please her man, to appease him, to make him respect her. She eventually found the strength to exorcise him out of her life. But not without a price. She got married to the next guy who showed her love and respect, thinking that nice men are a rarity and she probably would never ever meet someone like him anymore. She chose to tell me all these things now, because she knows that she can help me not make the same mistakes that she did. And because she knows I'm made of much stronger stuff that I would like to give myself credit for. And I have never appreciated her more.

And so after weeks and weeks of waking up each day and barely brushing my hair and just going through the motions, I finally decided it's time to start living again.

Today I painted my toenails orange. And tomorrow, I'll wear a smile. Once again.

Labels: abuse, life, relationships