" My hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption... " Vindicated, Dashboard Confessional
After the nuisance from the married man last week, and the momentary kilig from muscle boy, I got a hard slap from the past. I've been avoiding the ex for several months now since he came home but I found myself in a hotel with his family last week. He's been having some problems and has only told me about it. His mom knows a little of it, but as always the proud man that he is, he would never admit defeat or despair to anyone. Perhaps only to me. I guess I earned that when we were still together. But what about now? I don't even know what we are to each other anymore.
But, I loved the man so dearly, and admittedly I love him still, so I could not will myself to turn my back on him. And for one day or so, we were the man and woman we used to be. And it was peaceful yet surreal. I could not even remember how long ago it was we were just happy and content like that. We used to be able to talk and talk about anything without getting at each other's nerves. We used to laugh a lot. We used to hold hands like we were kids just starting to fall in love and steal kisses when no one was looking. And it ached when we had to let go of each other as we hugged goodbye, yet once again. And I was thinking, gawd, how many times have we done this? And how many times will I allow myself to go through this?
Now everything is the way they should be. He is there. I am here. We are both living our separate lives. Just like it's meant to be. Yes, I love him, so much that it hurts. But with him, there will never be peace. It will always be tumultuous, and I cannot live like that. And I'm scared that I may never love again like I love him, but I'm also looking forward to something maybe not as strong, but more lasting and stable. We were never supposed to have everything anyways.
Labels: exes, relationships
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