Time moves so fast these days. Been getting 4 hrs sleep max. To think I've moved into a house near work because my body is just screaming at me by getting inflicted with viral infections every other week. But I find that it just never ends. "We are now in crisis mode". "We're starting a task force". We should do away with the buzz words and just say we screwed up, and now we're paying for it with no sleep, no rest, and just a sufficient amount of sanity left.
I don't know if I really still love what I'm doing. I mean, this job has the only been that's consistent in my life for the past 7 years. I've had several relationships, several homes in different countries or even cities with the Philippines, several other things in my life, but work has always been constant. Of course I've moved jobs, positions, ranks but, still in the same company. And I think I'm just really afraid to let go, because I just don't wanna get lost out there. I'm feeling lost already as it is, having to move around so much, with so many people coming in and out of my life either by choice or circumstance.
I'm up already and it's only 4AM. I guess I never really slept. I crashed into bed way before 9PM, only to get woken up in unknown intervals from work. I get SMS ocassionally, and I open them, read them, and just fall back to sleep. But we had an emergency meeting at 1AM, and we finished around 3.. now I'm awake, asking myself one million and one questions...
And maybe it was because of that call from the ex last night. We didn't really talk about anything of consequence. He was just asking me stuff about inventory and all, with his kids' laughter in the background, and it felt so natural and so like old times.. Yet I know, it's not like old times. Those days were long gone. And even mundane things like a conversation about beverages and supplies can really hit you right there in the middle, you know.
And you begin to wonder whether you really gave up on the right thing.
Labels: life, relationships, work
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