I've chronicled my life online since 2001. 10 years definitely flew by so fast. Now we all got our fresh starts. That's the nice thing about life. While we don't have that ever-convenient reboot button, we do get that chance, once a year, to start anew, with a clean slate even.

Labels: life, New year, R

"I'm ready this time, I know that I'm no longer undecided..."

Labels: adventure, love, new beginnings, R

"There are millions of people in the world, and the spirits will see that most of them you never have to meet. But there are one or two you are tied to, and the spirits will cross you back and forth, threading so many knots until they catch and you finally get it right." - Picture Perfect, Jodi Picoult

Labels: book review, life, past life, R, reflection

It's been a while since I attempted to document my thoughts. It's partly because I'm so busy. That's why I've come to like Twitter. It's made for lazy bloggers like me. Haha.

But apart from being busy, it's hard to write when you are feeling so many things all at once. I just don't know where to start. The last time I blogged, I wrote about the passing of a friend. Two months later (and I just realized that when I saw the date on my laptop), life has gone on as it should, but I still have my moments. Moments that I still try to understand the why's. I still don't have the answers, I don't think I ever will, but I ask anyway. It's still hard for me to look at your pictures - so full of life, smiling and sparkling. And the other night, during our company Christmas party, I couldn't help but think of you. I knew you would have rocked that night. Well, I guess nothing beats rocking with angels up there.

Thanksgiving was a couple of days ago, and I know I have so many things to be thankful for. No, make that so many people to be thankful for. In spite of the many sad and bad things happening around me, life is still good. God is still good, as he always is. I have a man who is patient and loving, although sometimes a handful, but I'm quite one myself, and he's not complaining :) I have my family, and I love them with all my heart. And I have my friends who give color and excitement to my existence.

I thank God for heroes like Kuya Ef aka Efren Penaflorida, and the others like him who are selfless and wonderful. I feel so inadequate yet also inspired to be better because of them.

I'm also thankful for my career and opportunities. In a parallel universe, it's perfect because I don't have hormonal imbalance or insomnia.

I'm thankful because I am able to travel and experience cultures and places with awe and wonder. In that parallel universe, travelling is all I do, and I will conquer the world, one city at a time :)

Among all things, I'm simply thankful that while I have things I can look forward to, I have my today.

Labels: crush, R, thanksgiving

A little more than a year since she was diagnosed with colon cancer, former president Cory Aquino passed away in the company of her loved ones, and perhaps being welcomed by the love of her life. Her death has affected millions of Filipinos, if not all Filipinos, and some say, it has united us in a time where everything is just going wrong. Oil prices have shoot up again @ P40/liter. Elections is looming closely, and with it, tons of road improvement and what have you, obviously a ploy of local officials to be "remembered" for what they have done for their constituents. And then we have a president and her cronies, who apparently dined luxuriously abroad, while millions back home die hungry. Her assets have grown exponentially - @ 2000% + since she was elected as senator. One would wonder, with a salary of P45000, where has this all come from? Or do we wonder?

At home, the family is growing restless over the management of our schools. With both my parents in retirement age, and none of my sisters wanting to take over, we may need to close shop. At least one of them. R's brother, who was diagnosed with tumor, has been out of work for 1 year due to therapy. He's been rushed to the hospital this weekend, and apparently, the stress and distress has gotten to him. R on the other hand, has decided to be with me, and figure out where we're headed, practically jobless for 4 months or so. And yet, amidst all this, my mind is set on continuing to explore the world and enjoy life. And sometimes I think I have too much going on in my life, and I should feel guilty. It's almost overindulgent. Not as overindulgent as a P20,000 USD dinner tab. But still, perhaps, a bit too much.

And maybe that's why we've iconicized President Aquino, because she has reminded us about our humanity and frailty, and she showed us humility amidst power. In our weakness, we need heroes to keep our faith alive, and for us to remember goodness and simplicity. She reminded us in her death, that families, till the very end, are real treasures. And if Kris said, the Filipinos are worth it, our families, are also well worth it. They are worth every stress, reflection and sacrifice, and of course, they are worth all the love we can give.

Labels: cory aquino, life, R

At the last minute, I decided to watch The Final Set. I was supposed to be at CDO this weekend, thus, I was already resigned that I would miss the reunion concert of the Eraserheads the second time around. But (un)luckily, plans changed as R went back to work earlier than expected. Nevertheless, much as I miss R so much, I'm happy for this chance to see and hear THE Pinoy music legends. I'm giddy with excitement, like the groupie I had always wanted to be ;)

Labels: eraserheads, francis m, life, R

Of course, we're more than just roommates. He's more than just a boyfriend, really. He is my best friend. My soulmate.

Yes, it's a struggle every day. Fighting the distance battle is definitely toxic, draining. And yes, I've been so close to giving up, way too many times, I can't even count them anymore. But what we have, it's definitely not something you'd want to give up without putting up a good fight. Stuff like this comes once in a lifetime. Or maybe twice.

And when I do feel defeated, and sad, and lonely, I just remind myself why I love him so much. And it's a simple answer. With him, I can be myself. He has seen me at my weakest, bitchiest, strongest, ugliest. He didn't fall in love with me because I'm ambitious, successful, more chika, or what-not. He loved me when I wore my hair the worst (remember the shaggy days? ugh!), and when I didn't take care of my skin or wore make up. He loves me now when I'm in one of those killer moods. He loves ME.

In life, you have to wear different masks, to match the different roles you play. There's the perky mask, the authoritative mask, the ambitious mask, the playful mask, the nurturing mask, so many more... But when I'm with him, the masks just come off. And he sees me, raw and bare. And he doesn't mind. Not one bit.

Labels: love, R

"The minute you stop talking, you become roommates.." - Lipstick Jungle

Labels: R, relationships

Galveston, Carnival Ecstasy's home port, was hit pretty bad. Talk about chest-deep water, no electricity, bad communications. I've never been to Galveston but I read up on it a bit since that is R's home away from sea. Let's pray for Hurricane Ike's victims and may they find their way home someday...

Labels: hurricane, R

Hurricane Ike hit Galveston earlier today and it got me worried sick. R's cruise just left the port and I was wondering if they were able to veer away from the eye of the storm. Just got word that they indeed have but the waves are so huge and it's still a rocky ride. Needless to say, I'm still worried. I hope that R decides to stay here. We've talked about it some. I don't want to stay in the way of his dreams and his ambition but I don't think I'll ever get used to him being away at sea all the time. I die a little each time I hear news like this and specially if I don't hear from him right away.

Labels: hurricane, R

In our culture, the family of your partner is always part of the package, whether you like it or not. Or make that, whether you like them or not. In two of my biggest relationships, I became very close to their families, especially their mothers. In fact, in my tumultuous relationship, one of the reasons I stayed that long (aside from sheer stupidity, haha) was his mother. She managed to make me feel like it was all a phase and that I had all her love and support. 

Labels: R, relationships, thoughts

R's cruise is stranded at sea due to Hurricane Gustav. I texted him last night and he told me to take it easy since they're all right. He asked me to keep praying as well. So please join me in prayer, for the safety of everyone in their cruise, as well as for all the people who lives in the path of the hurricane. I saw in the news that the mayor of New Orleans has ordered an early evacuation, and it's so heart-wrenching to see. The scene is of course close to heart, due to the similar tragedies which befell our kababayans in storm-infested regions.

Labels: R

Just came from a dinner and conversation with old friends at Hooters. We had a lot of catching up to do as I haven't seen either Ali or Allan for such a long time. I guess when R was here we got caught up in working things out, spending quality time together, and planning for the future. Yes, there's a plan :) Right now, things are in its initial stages, but we're taking baby steps. Just the way I like it. I mean, I did this once in the past, everything happened so fast, whirlwind seems such an understatement. And it all just went down the drain. This time around, I really want to be sure. 

Labels: friends, life, R

While outside, the winds are heavy and blowing against my window panes, the storm within me is raging as well. I've spent weeks trying to figure out if everything is still worth fighting for, and in that time I felt love and not-love struggling to outdo each other. 

Labels: Frank, R, relationships

R has been giving me a hard time about my upcoming Boracay trip. I've explained to him that I'm going with a good friend/barkada, my ex-roomie at that and after a long discussion, I thought that he was already ok with it. But in the last few days, he sprung the same issue on me several times. It felt cute at first. I've never ever seen him jealous, but now it's just irritating. It's even gotten to the point of him asking me not to go. I'm not sure if we will ever get over this going-to-Bora-alone-with-another-guy thing for the rest of our relationship. Argh.

On another note, one of my nieces (daughter of a first cousin) entered the Big Brother house last night. My other niece and nephew sent her off (along with her mom) so they got like 2 seconds of TV airtime. Haha. Hilarious. My PBB teen housemate niece is still very young (and reckless) but I really hope she'll behave well inside. I would love for her to win this (or at least, stay long in the competition) coz I know she has the guts and the passion to do so. It's always a wonderful thing to see passion on the young. Youth and passion is a lethal combination, and I wish I had more passion to go after the things I really loved, when I was her age. Specially at times when I feel like I'm just trapped in this seemingly good life, but a life I never really wanted.

Lastly, I checked out the Power Mac store this weekend since I've been wanting to buy a mac. Two reasons: #1 - My US trip is in danger of being cut because of cost reasons and #2 - My credit card company is offering a good installment deal. But the macbook is still PHP20K more expensive than buying it in the US or in HK. Since I'm definitely going to HK (hmmm.. maybe not that definite since R and I have been fighting a lot lately but at least I can go if I want to)... I might just buy it there. It's still a maybe because I really don't need another laptop right now. And I have to minimize on discretionary spending for practical reasons. I keep telling myself getting a Mac will get me started on my dreams, but I think I'm just saying that to justify the expensive purchase, and to make me feel ok that I'm not out traveling and writing to my heart's content, instead I'm a corporate vampire forever lacking on sleep.

I guess I'm just having birthday blues. Birthdays have a way of making you think about the life you could have had, the life you want to have and all that stuff. Argh.

Labels: R, stuff

The Way I Am - Ingrid Michaelson


If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.

Cuz I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.

If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll make it better.

Cuz I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.

I'd buy you Rogaine if you start losing all your hair.
Sew on patches to all you tear.

Cuz I love you more than I could ever promise.
And you take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.

Labels: love, R

Too many words have been said between us the last couple of weeks. Admittedly, the fact that I'm getting little sleep or that I'm quite booked and stressed at work, aggravates the situation. Crankiness to the highest level.

At one point he told me he'd rather stop speaking to me than have a fight with me. Argh. Asar. How about resolving our issues? Admittedly, though, there are no easy answers to our "issues" just yet.

So for now we called a truce. He told me our fights were giving him sleepless nights, and I definitely know how that feels, so I don't wish that on him. Besides, he's oceans away from here and I know it's not easy to be away from his loved ones. And he has a lot of things on his mind as well. His Tita, who is really more of like a mom to him, had a diabetic stroke last year, and had gone into a coma, the day before he was scheduled to go back to work in the States. She eventually recovered, but she has to go thru dialysis every week.

One of my heartaches is that I'm far away from my family and that I'm not going to be there immediately if they need me. And whatever heartache I feel, I'm sure it's double or triple for him, because it's not like he can just book himself a flight at will. And just recently, he learned that the doctors may need to cut-off one of his Tita's feet due to a wound which got worse. Grabeh. So of course I feel so small for adding to his worries. We will just deal with all this relationship blues when it's time. And I guess now is not yet the time.

For now, I'll just hang on to the love we still have for each other. Hopefully it will help get us through this low point in our relationship.

P.S. Also not helping our relationship is the latest turn of events. My biz trip was pushed back to late April, and it overlaps with a trip we've planned when he comes back that month. To add to that, a side trip to visit my best friend in Cali is now less likely to happen, given my tight sked. I was tempted to say no to the biz trip because it means time less away from him during his short home leave. But then again, that is a great career opportunity for me. I thought I'm over being a career person, but I'm not. Thankfully, a compromise is highly likely. So cross fingers for that. But damn you Cebu Pacific for non-refundable tickets!

Labels: R, relationships

I've always been a believer in the law of the effortless - if it's too easy, then it's probably meant to be. But in the real world, effortless is as fleeting as the wind.

Things have become more difficult between the boy and I. The reality of us being in different places (literally and figuratively) at this point of our lives is slowly eating away everything that brought us together in the first place.

I'm not pressed to make any decision right now, but it's heartbreaking to think that the ending of our fairytale will soon unfold. And it's not the happily-ever-after kind...

Labels: life, love, R, relationships

Labels: R

Yeah, I know I keep saying I want to break it off with R, but never get to, and every time we say goodbye, it just hurts more than the last time. I guess inspite of, despite of, I love him. It's just as simple a truth as that.

Super senti mode alert.

I miss him.

I miss how he makes me feel safe. The way he always makes things seem so simple. The way he makes me laugh. The way he looks at me when he's about to kiss me. I miss him being around and making things more normal for me.

Egad. Here's to another round of separation. I will never get used to it.

Meantime, we had so much time doing normal couple things -- an out of town trip to Corregidor, watching movies (Knocked Up reminded me of us, haha, it was really so close to home, not the getting knocked up part but how the lead characters mirrored our personalities), dinners at favorite restos like Omakase, shopping together, taking a swim at the pool, playing billiards and basketball together (haha on the last one), watching the Pacquiao fight at the big screen, hitting the beach in Subic, saying our prayer of thanks @ Antipolo, little gifts and surprises like his home-cooked dinners, and even on the last night before his early morning flight we spent the night out at Metrowalk (and may I just say that even on a Thursday the place was just happening and I wish we hang out there more than we did).

ONE BIG SIGH.

On other news, I have a quick update on my wish list ;)

1. Japanese bed -- FINALLY!! I luv it!!

2. Laptop - I decided not to get a new one just yet. I want my Flamingo Pink Inspiron but unfortch, it's still currently, let's just say, hard to get.

Labels: desires, R