I'm reposting a few old entries, spanning for a period of almost a year between 2003 and 2004, in sequential order.. This is for you... Told yah, it's more than a rollercoaster of emotion, indecision, pain and resilience. One thing for sure though, I'm glad I finally got off it.

I know it's a long hard road but I hope in the end, it leads you to where you need to be :)

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TIRED 




I had been excited the whole day, because I had prepared little gifts for him, created pages for a scrapbook, partly as a belated monthsary gift, and mostly because it's his day...But tonight, a call from an old college barkada just put us back where we were a few days ago. In that place where pain has almost ceased to exist, and numbness has begun to set in. He threw a fit, once more not listening to reason. Once more doubting and distrustful. 

What have I done wrong? 

I don't want to cry anymore. I AM SO F*CKIN' TIRED. 

I cannot feel loved one moment, then feel like the most hated person the next. 

I love him but how far will that love go, really?



So when do I know enough is enough? When I say it is. For the first time ever in this relationship, I am ready to let go. I am scared shitless. But I'd rather be scared than be hurt over and over again. 

He never even got to open his presents.

I AM SAD AND HEARTBROKEN BUT I HAVE TO STAY STRONG


My heart is in so much pain right now, it seems like it's about to burst. But as soon as the tears dried up, and the night passed, I saw a hint of the sun. And it dawned on me, I have to stop crying. I don't know if I can learn to not be sad. But I don't wanna shed any more tears. 


ON LETTING GO



Here's my last letter for you. I'm tired now... I'm tired of pushing myself to you. I'm tired of what you didn't do, or I didn't do. I'm tired of you not understanding the things i say to you, or not understanding you also. I just want a rest now. Maybe someday, I will find that love. The kind of love I'm looking for, it's not the perfect love but the love I want to feel... not just for a couple of years, but the love that will last forever. I don't want it just to come by. I will find that... I will find that love. Because I'm the kind of person that cannot live without love. I want to LOVE. 

Now, I can just smile whenever you say that you want to leave me. I am ready. And I want to be ME again....

GOODBYE 


For the longest time, this is what I've wanted to do.. To leave. Get out. But my heart is more stubborn than I thought. And I hate the way my heart is in so much pain right now because it refuses to understand and let go. I want to start over. I want to believe again that somewhere out there, there is someone who will love me completely, and will have so much passion for me now, as he will have 20 years from now. And I will love him completely. I want to feel the magic. The natural high of being with someone you can't do without. Someone who will treat me right. Someone who will not ask me to love him more than I love myself, because he has enough love for himself.

I'M BECOMING A PAROKYA GROUPIE :p 



Nakakasawa din pala...

Kapag paulit ulit ang buhos ng galit

Parang ayoko na yata 

Nakakapagod din pala ang iyong mukha

At kung may balak ka pang ulitin sa akin yun

May ibubulong ako sa iyo.... putangina mo.. - Parang Ayoko Na Yata, Parokya ni Edgar 



This song is dedicated to........

UNTITLED


Punyeta. Ang plastic ko. Time to move on daw. But the truth is, my love for him is still stronger than my resolve to let go and move on. I just didn’t want to admit that to anyone, much more to myself...

DOING THE TANGO


I keep moving two steps forward. Then turn around completely. Go backwards. I'm doing the tango. All on my own. I want to move on, but I'm also the one holding myself back. The thing is, even if we both decided to end our relationship, I know he also still cares for me. I know he loves me. 

I am afraid to let go. Because this is truly the first time I've ever felt this intensely for someone. And my heart wants that intensity even if it comes with the promise that the fights are equally as intense. And do I really want that? My heart is telling me I do. It's what I live for. Passion, love. All that intense crap. But my mind tells me otherwise. It tells me that it's time to leave the chaos and pursue more stable things. But stability slows me down. 

With MB, I know, things are always gonna be unpredictable. There's always the excitement of not knowing what comes next. And yet, part of me was afraid of that. The part that wanted me to get out of the relationship. The part that is trying so hard to be heard.

WHAT AM I HOLDING ON TO, REALLY?


Sometimes I wonder, why I'm still holding on to my relationship with MB. Do I still love him? I believed we can still conquer our issues. I believed there was still hope amidst all the anger, jealousy and anguish. Because lessons were learned. Or did they come too late? Worse, was I, all this time, just believing an illusion? 

Something snapped this weekend. It felt like a slap on my face. 

Someone once told me he needed to be harsh to me so that I will finally see through the haze. I refused to believe him. In fact, I shut him out of my life because I knew all along he was right. And I didn't want to believe I was fighting a lost cause. It is hard because I am afraid beyond words to face the realities of defeat, loneliness, sadness, betrayal and grief. 

But really, I should be more afraid to continue living a lie and to continue to settle. I should be more afraid of losing myself and my dignity. I should be more afraid of the slow death that all this pain is causing.


UNTITLED

Just thinking, why is peace so elusive? And will people ever change? Or is there something genetic that will stop them from becoming the person they aspire to be? He knew too much alcohol makes him do crazy things.. It happened again. This time it's really more than a warning sign already. It should be a deal-breaker. But even after all my resolve to never talk to him again (and after deleting his phone number one million times already), I feel bad about abandoning him... Is it really part of my life's purpose to be there for him through all his trials?


UNTITLED

"Yes, time will heal those wounds but it will take a longer time if you allow the wounds to be bumped, burned and pierced while in the process of healing... you must protect yourself from yourself... minsan ikaw na ang sumusugat sa sugat mong di pa gumagaling... Trust me, after you let yourself heal properly and completely, you'll see a scar that will serve as a reminder of the lessons learned - and not of the pain you felt. "


ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

I've become his emotional punching bag. He is killing me softly with his angry and spiteful words. While he's at it, I will continue to live my life as if it's my last. I will brush my tears, walk away, and keep moving forward. I don't have to take any crap someone wants to push down my throat. Not even from someone I still care for so much. And I certainly don't want to drown myself with my tears. ENOUGH NA! 



And this is something for me to think about: 

Are you holding onto things which God wants you to let go of? 
Are you holding onto harmful or unnecessary partners, relationships, habits and activities which you have become so attached to that it seems impossible to let go? 


WHAT MAKES YOU A BATTERED WOMAN?

Is it because the man's hand almost reaches your cheek several times? Or his angry, hurtful insults and ugly curse words hurled at you everytime he goes on rage? Or is it because you don't stand up to him, and just bear all that? Because you live in constant fear that he might actually do worse?

If you just ignore his rage and move on and walk away as far away as possible, are you ever going to be whole again? Or is it high time for you to go to fight for your right to be treated with respect?

What makes a battered woman? Is it the man who abuses you? Or you, who allows yourself to be abused?

CURED

I am truly cured of this sickness. This blindness. 

The trip to the church and talking to Him gave me a lot of clarity. It was then that I felt what unconditional love is. And no, I'm not my own best friend. Nor am I alone. There is a Power far stronger than my will or courage. He is my best friend, always at my side and He eased my pain away. He allowed me to see what I chose to ignore. He allowed me to cry, to cleanse my soul from grief and despair. He allowed me to hurt, so I could feel what real love is. 

Love does not hurt you or threaten you or use you. Love does not use emotional blackmail. Love is not unfaithful. Love is not possessive nor insecure. Love is not angry. 

And I've always known that. Yet, I chose to be blind. 

But not anymore.


"Sometimes it is so hard to see what is in the other hand but do believe this one thing...................... God will never take away something without giving you something better in its place."

Labels: exes, love, nightmares