"The gods envy us because we're mortals. Life is much more beautiful because we're doomed." Achilles, from the movie Troy

There are just days like this when I wake up not knowing what I want to do with my life. I could not sleep last night.. It's been awhile since I've had insomnia. I managed to get some sleep then woke up again a few minutes later because I was having a bad dream. My life with my ex hubby flashed before me. All the abuse, the cheating episodes I had to witness firsthand.. I cried myself back to sleep. My head was throbbing when I woke in the morning to a call from work. Reality. Though I'm not really on top of the corporate ladder yet, I'm at a place where most people my age are still wanting to be at. But lately I've been feeling like I don't want to be here. What am I doing this for? I spend most of my days slaving, working hard.. but at the end of the day, I just feel tired and restless, not knowing where I'm really heading with all this. I look around for options, but I could not see any. But maybe I'm just really scared of getting out of this comfort zone. Maybe the answer is right before me but I don't really like it.

I've been thinking about D more lately. I just realized how far back this affair had started. 15 years. My best friend told me I once wrote her in college, with a p.s. telling her to greet D on his birthday. I didn't even know I knew D's bday.. And then I remembered all those times he would pop in and out of my life, mostly after college. And then now. I see him at most once a month, which is quite a lot, compared to the rest of the years this has been going on. And I don't really know where he stands in the greater scheme of things, but I do know he makes me laugh, and I feel lots better everytime he holds me or kisses me. Yet, I know he's not the kind of man I want to end up with. He is flightier than I am. And it struck me that maybe he is my Mr. Big, after all. And do I want him to come find me in Paris at the end of all this searching? Maybe. But then again, I also know that not all endings are happy ones. And honestly, I really do think we're better off as friends. He does me some good as one. But I think beyond that, he is bound to break my heart. And oddly, I feel that he thinks that way about me, too.. Two scared ducks, I think we are.

So I keep my options open. New guy L, well, he's not really new.. Another old admirer from college. And I had no idea. The last few years have definitely been a revelation to me. Didn't know people had these feelings for me, but then again, I was mostly in long-term relationships up to 4 years ago? Yeah.. So L finds me again through our batchmates, and he has asked me out on a date. And I'm having the jitters. I remember having a brief crush on him. But I really don't know anything about him... But I'm going for it anyways. Life always has surprises up its sleeves - good or bad. There was a young man I dated a couple of times, too. And he was ultra-sweet and old-fashioned.. Such innocence. That experience was refreshing. But he is six years younger than I and he feels like he has a lot to prove to himself, and to me, he says. Give me three years, he says. I just nod, smiling. But deep inside I'm thinking, boy, a lot can happen in three years. He left to work in another country. I'm not sure how this one will go either. I'm not really a big fan of long distance courtships. We'll see. And then there's this sudden urge to go searching for Divine. She was my stalker in grade school. She go see me practice soccer, or watch my performances. She even went to my graduation. Her best friend told me she was smitten but she never once talked to me. I moved to a different high school and we have not seen each other since. But somehow, I just remembered her. I've been doing much of walking down memory lane lately. I guess that is part of trying to understand what I really want to be, or where I really want to go from here on. I'm not sure how she figures in all this. Guess it goes with, trying to understand who I really am.

And how about school? Most of my former classmates are about done with their MBA. I'm still struggling to finish mine. With my workload it's really hard to manage, but I know this is a ticket to freedom. And I want to keep going at it, but I got a 2.5 in my last subject, and that is just way below my capacity. It sounds arrogant, but it's just the truth. And I don't want to compromise. If I have to do something, I wanna be good at it. I'm still playing it by ear. I'm giving my project a couple more months before I rethink my options. This project is a double-edged sword, see. There are so many problems, that if I do well, I know this will be a great boost for my career. But on the other hand, if I fail, this might just end it.

But apart from that, I think other things in my life are ok. Haha. Really. I've maintained close realations with my family. I see my older sis and her kids at least twice a month. We went to see Van Helsing and Troy together. Both very very good movies, btw, if you haven't already seen either. I think Troy is to-date, one of the best I've seen in this lifetime. It's up there in the league of Braveheart, the Godfather series, Glory, Saving Private Ryan, and well, Shrek. hahaha.. I watched it because I felt bad that my 14-yr old nephew knows more about Greek mythology than I do. But of course, that kid has always been a genius. But still, I silently reprimanded myself for not paying attention in our high school lit lectures. I know of the Iliad and the Oddysey. I know of Achilles, and Helen whose face launched a thousand ships.. But all were fragments of this great story of love, bravery, betrayal, and all things human. Great great cinematography and music. I love the fight scenes of Achilles, very well choreographed. And since this is not really a dialogue-driven movie, the music was well done, and it helped to bring emotions to the actions you see in the screen, more so, than any words could have done. I cried when Hector died. It was just wrong for a noble man to die that way. And it was also heartbreaking to see Achilles break down after realizing that his revenge has gone too far. In the movie, Patroclus was his young cousin. And I guess anyone would do that for family. But in the Iliad, Patroclus was Achilles friend and lover. Brad Pitt did justice to his role as one of the greatest Greek heroes. He looks like a greek god, mind you. And well, his naked scenes are really a feast to the eyes (hahaha, just had to add that in...)... Eric Bana, Hulk's alter ego, also played a good Hector, the noble prince of Troy. Paris, the lover and seducer (?), was played by Orlando Bloom.

Anyhoo, back to my relationships. I've reestablished friendships. My best friends and I are keeping in touch more often now. Almost like old times.. Thank god for handphones and text messaging.

Wow, this is so incoherent. But that's how I am today.

Labels: MBA, mid-lifing, movies, relationships