It's been awhile since I wrote my last Dear R post. I almost did. But I stopped myself.
Sometimes, your feelings are best expressed to the concerned. Sometimes, your words are more meaningful because they are whispered to the ears of the one they are meant for. I hope one day I can finally say them out loud. Instead of writing them in this vast space of nothingness. Instead of acting unhappy everytime he cheerfully greets me on the other end of the line. In the meantime, I can only pray that he'll see through that facade.
***
This leadership course is turning out to be a therapy session of sorts. Looking at my patterns, revisiting the events of my life, has lead me to a simple truth - I'm just really screwed up. Not in an I-wanna-jump-off-the-bridge kind of way (but if it's jumping into the river before white water rafting, that's another thing altogether). But in an I've-been-self-sabotaging-my-life kind of way.
I hope I don't scare you off. I tend to surprise people when I show some vulnerability. Baby, do you remember the first time I cried to you? You stood there, looking shocked, speechless and helpless. Then you finally told me - you didn't expect to ever see me shed tears? The sad part is, you were not the only one who reacted the same way.
Even tough girls cry. Sometimes, it just feels good to succumb to your weakness and helplessness. Maybe that's what catharsis is all about.
***
I say goodnight with this song:
Child of the wilderness
Born into emptiness
Learn to be lonely
Learn to find your way in darkness
Who will be there for you,
comfort and care for you?
Learn to be lonely
Learn to be your one companion
Never dream out in the world
There are arms to hold you
You've always known
Your heart was on its own
So laugh in your loneliness
Child of the wilderness
Learn to be lonely
Learn how to love life that is lived alone
Learn to be lonely
life can be lived
life can be loved
Alone.
* From the Phantom of the Opera (Learn to be Lonely)
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Virtual Hug
Spoonful of Music
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always on vacation mode ;)
Vitamin F
Memory Boosters
