Party of three, that is :)

Somehow, Ali, Allan and myself ended up sharing personal details of our lives up to 1AM last night. I've been trying to find the right time to tell them, not only because it's been a while since I allowed myself to trust them, but also because knowing about that chapter of my life puts my life now into perspective. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

We arrived at the mall around 6, and my first thought was : Dragon Havaianas. They also had it in black, but most of the sizes were big, aside from a size 35-36, which actually fits my feet about right. But I usually wear a size 37-38, I just like my flip-flops longer. But I knew that this style is on limited stock across the metro, so I decided to grab the pair. Yipey :)

Dinner was up next and for the first time in 12 days, I allowed myself to eat rice again. Just a little reward for not caving in whenever cravings attack. And so it's back to swearing off rice again, until I get my entertainer bod (hahaha, just a little private joke here) and I can finally join R in the cruise ship ;)

After doing some window shopping, we checked F&H and I bought this nice brown skirt for P300. Not a bad deal. But bad since I've been turning to retail therapy since I swore off rice. Doesn't seem like a fair exchange. 2 new flip-flops, 3 pairs of shoes and 1 skirt. There goes the fork budget. Hahaha.

Final stop for the night was at Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. It's been a while since I've had my favorite tea latte : Morrocan Mint. Guilty pleasure to the max. Oh well, with all our sore muscles, I think we deserved that break.

After Van left (around quarter before 9), the three of us started ranting about work. I guess one of the things common about us was that we (used) to have so much passion for what we did, giving it all we've got, and somehow, the dedication and loyalty didn't always pay off (monetarily or otherwise). As we each threw in bits and pieces of our different experiences and views, I also started looking back at my life in parallel. And I realized why I was so hesistant to go through the exercise our prof asked during our MBA class last week. He asked us to think about a turning point in our lives, and how it changed its course. Furthermore, he asked us to share the details of our autobiography to two other classmates. Now, in spite of appearances, I tend to be very aloof in a room full of strangers. I would never be the first one to say hello, and am not the type who would try to engage in small talk. So imagine how hard it was for me to actually share personal details of my life to people I only see 1x/ww, and it was only the 2nd session so far. Not only that, as I was struggling to think about that TURNING POINT, I just didn't have an answer.

Back to our tea party, as the night went deeper, the details we shared became even more personal. Just as an aside, and I've always said that Ali is a tough cookie, in ways that I'm not. She was able to stand up on her own when life threw her a curve ball at a young age, and that really quite admirable. She said that one of the things she was always afraid of was to settle. And I guess that was another thing that we all shared - we're all achievers who vowed to never settle for mediocrity. In the end, we know we can do much better than this, and all we need to do is take that leap of faith.

I'm not sure how it happened, but I started to recount that painful episode in my life. It's been a while since I've talked about that in great detail. Admittedly, I was trying my best to hold back the tears. Going back to those dark times make me relive the pain and the isolation of dealing with it on my own.

Little did I know that this tea session would make me look back at the last 10 years of my career and my personal life in another light. What stared back at me was the person I swore I will never become. The settler. To an outsider's eye, that is probably not what he sees. After all, I have enjoyed some level of success. But the real test to determine whether one has settled or not is to ask the ultimate question.

ARE YOU HAPPY?

Even as an elementary student, I had started to program myself to be self-sufficient and independent, cutting off ties with people who made me feel weak (aka emotional) or vulnerable. If I got hurt, then, so long. The pattern prof wanted us to determine.

No matter what hand was dealt to me, I remained unfazed to a point that it was almost mechanical (autopilot) rather than a calculated response. I didn't allow my own disappointments to bog me down, or at least that was what I was trying to project. On those dark times (ever wonder why there was a discontinuity in this blog?), I continued on like I wasn't hurt in the battle. I had deliverables to meet, a team to lead, a product to start-up. I battled with the personal demons without so much a holler to anyone else, because I have always disliked inconveniencing people. And with what I thought was strength, I was back on my feet, not even allowing myself enough time to grieve.

In hindsight, my pride and ego has been my driving force all along. Not strength. So I settled instead of getting out of my comfort zone with the danger of failure looming. I detach myself from a lot of people so they will not see my weakness. I would never allow my SO's to know how much I really cared, my actions not reflecting what my heart felt. Self-preservation over the chance of long-term happiness.

So prof was right. These patterns, your programs, they are in everything that you do. And as I told Ali at the end of the night, I finally know when the turning point is.

What started out as a night to have tea with friends, became a journey of self-realization.

(Thank you, Ali and Allan :))