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TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN

Thursday, August 19, 2010

It's been a while since I've used this blog to capture forbidden thoughts. Words I cannot or won't say aloud, for a reason or two, valid or not. And tonight, I just feel the need to vent out. Say things I'd like to say to another human being, but perhaps, I just don't want to explain myself too much, so I'd really rather not say it at all. Except that it hurts a little. To keep it inside. So I write.


This is what I don't want to say out loud -- I think I may be making another mistake. There I said it. I know this isn't just plain jitters. I've been here before. Different players, same feeling - that nagging feeling that something isn't quite right. And like before, I chose to brush it aside. I chose not to see. I was willing to make a mistake in exchange for, I don't know, really. Maybe in exchange for a dream, an illusion. Or maybe I'm just tired of always going a different direction where others go. I'm different, and I like it, but I'm also exhausted of having to explain why I'm different. I'm just exhausted, in general. And exhaustion had led me to make this decision. A decision, that tonight, I want to undo.

Sometimes, I wish I can go back in time. Back when my life wasn't screwed up, or more exactly, my view of the world wasn't that screwed up except that I don't know when that is exactly.

Now I wish I can just make up my mind. But we know that's not something genies grant. So, yeah, I know, it's up to me.





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