Why is truth always hard to accept? Why do we take desperate measures to hide it or evade it? Desperation. What a sorry state to be in. One I would like to get out of. But I'm not quite sure if I would like the other options.
I used to tell myself I chose correctly. Who wouldn't want to be with the man that they love for a lifetime? But as days passed, years passed, the reality that love isn't enough keeps on hounding me. Love cannot save me. Or us.
I have been lost for so long, being lost now feels so normal. And when you see me, you wouldn't even notice. And that scares me.
Christmas is around the corner, and I'm not feeling it. And that's the thing. I want to feel it. I want to feel. I badly want to feel something again. Even anger. Not just this ugly apathy.
I want to feel again. That is my truth now. I just don't know how.
Labels: life, love, married life, musings
I decided to blog again. I know it's so old school and twitter, facebook and instagram has outdated blogging. But blogging has always been cathartic for me. And I need that. To heal. The last time I blogged, I mentioned that my dad called me up to check up on me after the Japan earthquake. That was more than a year ago. And since 9 months ago, I would never hear his voice ever again. Well maybe in my dreams. My papa left us unexpectedly. I had only been home in Cebu for barely 2 months, and he left. He was one of the reasons why I left Manila for good. Because I wanted to be with my family and spend more time with them. But sickness happened. Cancer happened. And before we knew what hit us, we lost our papa to cancer. I have not quite recovered yet. How I wish I had more time to spend with him. How I wish I didn't live in Manila for so long. How I wish I spent more time with him the day he passed on. how I wish... And some wishes just don't come true. But life goes on. Even if I sometimes feel lost, wondering why I'm here, I'm still thankful that I went home when I did. One month may have seemed too short, but one month is better than nothing. I got to hug papa a lot. And tell him I loved him. I took care of him in the way I knew how. And I'd like to think I gave him a bit of strength too. It's not enough for all that he has done for me and my sibs, but I tried. I tried. There's still a lot that keeps me going. Among them my other great loves - my husband and my baby nephew Hans who just fills me with so much happiness. I love all my nephews and nieces, and I have doted on them at some point in their lives, so I know they won't take it against me that I'm just so in awe of this little one. Maybe because he was the bunso and my papa's most recent favorite apo. Our youngest nephew was only 2 months old when papa passed away so they didn't really get to bond as much. Life is like that. Always full of twists and turns. And we just have to live and love to the fullest.