WHAT AM I HOLDING ON TO, REALLY?
Sometimes I wonder, why I'm still holding on to my relationship with MB. Do I still love him? Or am I just feeling lonely? Do I just miss having someone to talk to at the end of each day? Do I just miss having someone to come home to? I've been trying so hard, not to believe things are irreparable between us. I believed we can still conquer our issues. I believed there was still hope amidst all the anger, jealousy and anguish. Because lessons were learned. Or did they come too late? Worse, was I, all this time, just believing an illusion?
Something snapped this weekend. It felt like a slap on my face.
Someone once told me he needed to be harsh to me so that I will finally see through the haze. I refused to believe him. In fact, I shut him out of my life because I knew all along he was right. And I didn't want to believe I was fighting a lost cause. But the ring that used to be on my finger has lost its meaning. And it has been lost for a long time now. I finally got the courage to remove that ring and tucked it away in the box that it came with, with the note saying "Know when the right moment is"... This time, the moment to let go has come. It is hard because I am afraid beyond words to face the realities of defeat, loneliness, sadness, betrayal and grief.
But really, I should be more afraid to continue living a lie and to continue to settle. I should be more afraid of losing myself and my dignity. I should be more afraid of shutting out the people who truly care for me. I should be more afraid of the slow death that all this pain is causing.
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always on vacation mode ;)
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