Dear R,
My best friend asked me why I always end up with guys on borrowed time. I was wondering about this myself. It’s a trend I don’t intend to keep. As I was trying to find an answer to her question, I finally admitted to myself that I’ve been secretly wishing that this thing with us isn’t just another case of borrowed time and fleeting memories. I want this to be something more. And I’m hoping you want the same thing too.
I put up a brave face today. In front of your family, I was smiling like it didn’t hurt that you were finally leaving. I bet I even fooled you. I’ve always known our time together was coming to a close, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. I was crying inside, even while we were (still) horsing around. Not a tear shed even as I was watching you slowly disappearing into the departure area. But as your family went home, the rain started to pour really hard. And that wasn’t the only thing that did.
The rain has long stopped. But my tears have not. I’m going to miss you really bad. It will be long before I see you again. Before you hold me close again. And I’m not sure if either of us is cut out for all the uncertainty that we’re heading to.
Nevertheless, I no longer want to be that person who will fight her true feelings, appear unaffected and act tough. Yes, I am tough. But I completely unraveled because of you. And as much as I didn’t want to, I have fallen in love with you. I love you.
I hope to say that out loud to you in time. For now, I will say it for me. To remind myself that it’s ok to love again. It’s ok to be afraid, but not ok to run away. It’s ok to care about you, ok for my heart to beat for someone totally unexpected. You and I may be so different, but that doesn’t matter as much as the joy that I feel when I’m with you. The way you make me feel is something I will trade any time for any of the trappings that come with my life (style)…
The night before you left, I chose to be with you instead of out partying somewhere. Not a tinge of regret. I was exactly where I wanted to be. I would drop everything just to be with you, I know that now.
I will miss you so much. I already missed you as soon as we said our goodbyes. And though what happens next is something we will figure out one day at a time, and I cannot promise anything, I will try and hold on with all that my heart can manage.
Someday you will return, and I hope to be there waiting for you with open arms when you do. And I pray that your arms will be outstretched for me too. Maybe then, time is already ours to have, and not to borrow. Until then, may our hearts be strong and faithful…
Love,
X
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always on vacation mode ;)
Vitamin F
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