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PENSIVE FRIDAY

Published Friday, May 19, 2006 by XY | E-mail this post

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Still pensive at the end of the week. Not good. When I go into thinking-too-much mode, it’s the scared girl in me taking over. Historically, this mode is also equivalent to my self-sabotage mode. So hard to break the pattern. What is it about love and being in love that makes us so scared? Either I put an invisible shield to mask what I really feel, or I run away.

--0o0--

Office folks found my blog. Not just any office folks – my former “kids”, whom I worked with constantly (and still do, actually). OHMIGOSH. Good thing Ruben clued me in. They found me through google. I wonder what on earth they were looking for to have been led to Dose?? Ruben wouldn’t tell. My sitemeter is no help either since I lost my password and the email account I used to open it. It’s been that long. Hahaha. No worries, I know they’re too busy resolving yield issues to find time to read my loonnnnngg entries, right, Allen? ;) Hahaha.. There, shout outs to my two kids. Hopefully, there isn’t more. Please keep this mum… Please!

--0o0--

So if I don’t want to be found, why blog? When I started blogging five years ago, I didn’t have any pen names. My blog was intended to update friends and family from all over the globe on the goings on of my life. It was just too tedious to write to them individually (yeah, tamad. Hahaha). Over time, though, I realized putting yourself out there is such a huge responsibility. I gained some readership and people got attached, and it was like my life was way too open, for anyone to take some pieces of it apart. Sometimes, people think that you are what you blog. But there’s more to me than what I write. I’m not an animated character. I’m real. So I moved to another URL, this time blogging semi-anonymously, leaving behind most of my blog friends and readers. I wasn’t naïve enough to think I will never be found, just didn’t think my kids would find me.. The powers of internet for you, right there.

But all is well. I trust my kids. Hahaha. Right, Ruben and Allen? :)

--0o0--

Watched GA’s season 2 finale last night. Losing my Religion. Or letting go of the things that you’ve held on for so long. All I can say is, GA is one of the best series ever to hit television, next to SATC and Friends (for me).

I don’t think anyone who watches GA will say they couldn’t relate to the situations or characters, at least once in a season. Maybe that’s why it’s such a hit. It’s like seeing flashback of some parts of your life. They say truth is stranger than fiction. But sometimes, fiction comes so close to the truth and forces you into thinking-mode.

So I blame my end of the week pensiveness on GA. Hahaha. Damn you, Cristina. I know you oh so well. You’re the girl who puts up a shield, appear strong and stoic, but everything crumbles because of love. And when it does, you run away. Turn your back on the ones you love. Leave them hanging, clueless, not knowing what hit them.

Takes me back to one of the greatest loves of my life. (Yeah, I too have been loved and I am grateful.) “Why are you hot and cold? Why can’t you just love me, or not love me. Choose one. Because it’s so hard to keep figuring you out”. And I chose. To walk away. Because I was scared. I loved him too much and I didn’t want to get hurt. News flash. I did get hurt. Not only that, I hurt him too. And a few other people around us.

And still I continue to run.

Why do I run away? I don’t know. Maybe someone just needs to run after me.





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