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STORM X

Published Tuesday, May 16, 2006 by XY | E-mail this post

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“Cuz it's always raining in my head
Forget all the things i should have said
So i speak to you in riddles
Cuz my words get in my way “ – Epiphany, Staind

Storm Caloy has passed, but it’s still raining in my head. It must have been the change of weather last weekend. Or the long conversation with my baby sis Sunday night. Or the steady weekend I had with R - it was way too calm, way too comfortable.

The rain and the wind was a welcome change after weeks of intense heat. Not only does it mean no more 4-digit electric bills, it practically forced us to slow down, sit still, if you must. We did go out Friday night. Caloy was raging in other parts of the country while we were enjoying a little bit of reggae in Xaymaca. Brownman Revival rocks, as usual. The crowd was up to the brim, as usual. We enjoyed each other’s company like it was our first date, as usual.

I actually loved the weekend weather. Soothing, almost, punctuating the giddiness that I still feel. That weekend was picture perfect: of a couple in love and who’ve known each other a long time. Only the truth couldn’t be much farther than that. And my Sunday night conversation with sis just rained on the parade.

The world is not just about the two of us. And I cannot fault my family for their concern. Since the Ex incident, they have been overly protective of me. They know me. They know I fall too fast. They know I get irrational when I’m in love. Must be the Aries in me. Fiery. Impulsive. Passionate. And they know I have a pattern of falling for bad boys. Yeah, R is another one of ‘em bad boys. The boy from the other side of the tracks. But this I can say with certainty, he cares for me deeply. Too bad that in the real world, that is never enough.

These thoughts have shifted me from giddy to pensive since yesterday. Last night, I asked him if he knows what we’re doing, if we’re just playing. Part of me wished that he would say that we were. The other half wished that he would say we weren’t. The first answer would mean I don’t even have to think about all this anymore. The other answer would tell me to fold in order to avoid the collateral damage. Either way, neither answer is easy on the heart.

His answer: “What do you think?”. Argh. I hate it when my question is answered by another question. And so I said, let’s call it a night. It was past midnight and none of the answers running through my head were pretty.

It always seems to end this way. If something is so right, then why is it so complicated? Love really should be so simple and easy. Am I wrong to believe that? Am I too naïve? Too ideal?

Ironic how after all this time, I’m still clueless.





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