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POKER FACE

Published Saturday, April 01, 2006 by XY | E-mail this post

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Dear Shark,

I just got home from D's party. Happy April Fool's Day. Though I don't know why we should be happy about being fools.

Anyway, tonight was the first time I ever played poker. And being a bad card player that I am, I lost. Heck, I hardly won we played Bluff in Boracay. The computer beats me in a game of solitaire. Though I know the basics, I don't know the rules and mechanics to popular dormitory games such as tong-its, pusoy dos, and our local version called chikacha. So even I suprised myself when I actually enjoyed playing (and when I lost, watching). Hahaha. Could this be another addiction in the making? I hope not. I have serious issues with gamblers. My ex was a compulsive gambler. One of our worst fights was during a time I didn't agree to go to a casino with him. He held that against me for weeks. The thing about compulsive gamblers is that they try to convince themselves and the people around them that their addiction is gone. But one trip back to the casino, and they're back to square one. A compulsive gambler never knows when to fold. So apart from a million other things, that was of my nightmares with ex.

So, dear shark, while I may have enjoyed poker, I don't want to make it a bad habit. I have enough bad habits as it is. I just want to keep those I can't live without. Like smoking and drinking. Heh.

Speaking of bad habits, R has become one. I realized that it's not even a week since we saw each other again, and it already seems that my day is not complete if I don't hear from him. He makes me smile a lot, and that's not bad. Unfortunately, it also leaves me wanting for more. More what, I don't know exactly.

Sometimes, I feel like flying back to Cebu just to see him again. Sometimes, I feel like running away with him. These are dangerous thoughts. None that I would act on. Nevertheless, thoughts that eat me up when I allow myself to think.

The walk back to my building from the parking lot was a long one. Somewhere along the way, I made my decision. FOLD. While the stakes are not yet that high. While I still have something I would rather have intact - my sanity.

As soon as I got in, I deleted all his SMS messages one by one. 100 out of 135 in my inbox. And then his number. It was too early to commit it to memory. And in the eventuality that he will call or text, I will just reject or delete constantly. Until he gets it.

Yeah, I may just be overthinking. Or maybe a little hazy from the couple of beers I drank tonight. But I've seen this happen before. And the ending was always ugly.

Another one of 'em fools,
X





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