I've been tossing and turning for more than two hours now. Can't sleep. Which is weird because my body is tired. And I slept late last night, too, owing to my weekend habit which I badly need to change, so I should have dozed off hours ago. But I didn't. I'm awake as a bat at night.
Could be either of these reasons:
1. I've once again learned the lesson on flirty vs friendly. And it's eskeri. So help me God. Operation Iwas in Day 1 worked. How about the rest of the week?
2. I'm still high on endorphins and energy due to a late, ehem, workout (haha! it was only really 40mins worth of cardio).
3. Haven't talked to R in more than a week. We last talked on Saturday last week. And he called @ 2AM Sunday, so naturally, I was right in the middle of my deepsleep mode. Whatever happened to waking up when he calls?? The spirit is always willing but the body is weak. I miss him very much and I really hope he calls again soon. I'm going nuts! And as an aside, it's been more than a month since he left. Time flies. And that's a blessing for lovers who only meet every so often.
4. I've been talking about moving on (to friends, family...), and I was so darn sure it's time. But lately, I've been rethinking it all. Oz is like shooting the moon. I have one known relative there (three, counting the hubby and the little baby), and they just moved recently. Quite a few people have some disappointing accounts - of discrimination, availability of "intellectual" jobs (or lack thereof) and then of course - the expected displacement of immigrants trying to have a clean slate somewhere else. And going back home - while the thought is definitely comforting, I'm not sure I can handle undoing my so-called independence. Lastly, shifting gears. This one appealed to me the most. But even the thought of an interview is making me nervous as hell. I can't help but think too much into the future. Am I really ready to let go of the life I've known for a decade now? Will change really be the nirvana I'm making it out to be? Or will I just reset the corporate cycle, and find myself in the same situation later, if not sooner?
Am I running away from something? Or towards something? Is this mid-life crisis in the works? Or birthday blues?
Or maybe it's just plain old insomnia.
Labels: mid-lifing, personal, R
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