WEEKEND BLUES
Packing always makes me sad... It just rings of.. well, goodbye.. This is another of the millions (it feels like it) goodbyes I've had to make in this lifetime.. I thought I'd be used to it by now. But one never does.

PRE-OCCUPIED
So much so.. I've not been able to monitor the non-work relationship part with my team here. I almost forgot about the birthdays of two engineers, and was well, not able to think about a baby shower for the wife of an engineer.. Argghh...

I will make it up to them. I'm just sorry I cannot tell them I'm only human too and that there are days when I just can't think of anything else but my own dern complicated life..

LIFE-ALTERING CHANGES
1. Smoking
Been trying to quit lately. On really good days, I'm down to zero (or 1 the most), on bad days, I can smoke up to five sticks. Still way below how much I used to smoke. And it's really hard. Like right now I have the urge to puff away because I've been trying to figure out how to crunch this massive data I have and the only way I could think of is to manually edit everything (I'm talking about 80 files worth of manual editting). Surely, there's an easier way to do this.. But the engineer in me is failing. Drats.

And I need that smoke. But I didn't bring any cigarettes. No one else here smokes. So I blog instead... (sigh)
2. That other change
The cat is out of the bag now.. Well, partly anyways. And soon, I will tell everyone else too. It's scary because I don't know what the future is going to be like. There are so many unknowns.. I took an uncalculated risk and now I just want to be safe and run away..

But I can't. I won't. This is something I have to deal with. No matter what happens, though, I will have learned from this bigtime. And even that is an understatement.

WHERE IS THE LOVE?

I really love this song from the album Elephunk by Black Eyed Peas f/ Justin Timberlake. The album just came out and I wanna have it!!!


What's wrong with the world, mam
People livin' like they ain't got no mamas
I think the whole world addicted to the drama
Only attracted to things that'll bring you trauma
Overseas, yeah, we try to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin'
In the USA, the big CIA
The Bloods and The Crips and the KKK
But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And when you hate then you're bound to get irate, yeah
Badness is what you demonstrate
And that's exactly how anger works and operates
N**, you gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love, y'all, y'all

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send us some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love
The love, the love

It just ain't the same, always unchanged
New days are strange, is the world insane
If love and peace is so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don't belong
Nations droppin' bombs
Chemical gasses fillin' lungs of little ones
With the ongoin' sufferin' as the youth die young
So ask yourself is the lovin' really gone
So I could ask myself really what is goin' wrong
In this world that we livin' in people keep on givin' in
Makin' wrong decisions, only visions of them dividends
Not respectin' each other, deny thy brother
A war is goin' on but the reason's undercover
The truth is kept secret, it's swept under the rug
If you never know truth then you never know love
Where's the love, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the truth, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the love, y'all

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send us some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love
The love, the love

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I'm gettin' older, y'all, people gets colder
Most of us only care about money makin'
Selfishness got us followin' our own direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting the young minds faster than bacteria
Kids act like what they see in the cinema
Yo', whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness in equality
Instead in spreading love we spreading animosity
Lack of understanding, leading lives away from unity
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' under
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' down
There's no wonder why sometimes I'm feelin' under
Gotta keep my faith alive to lovers bound

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send us some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)

DON'T MAKE ME ANGRY
After two hours and more of The Hulk, I was almost angry, myself. Deng, the movie just sucked. The first half of the movie was dragging. There were too many repeated nightmare sequences, and at one point you begin to wonder if they will ever reveal whatever suppressed memory Dr. Bruce Banner had, or leave it for, god forbid, The Hulk Part II. The comic book effect showing different panes of successive scenes was so random it was distracting. I did like the CGI shots specially during the battle scene between the Hulk and his maniacal father.

I went to the movie expecting something dramatic yet exciting because that was how I remember the 70s TV series. Buti na lang, Eric Bana as Dr. Bruce Banner is a hotter though geekier version vs. TV show's Bill Bixby as Dr. David Banner. I think. Hehe. (Go here for more info of the TV series)

One thing I'm curious about, too. I don't remember the Hulk as being such a giant. And was he really able to leap so far? And why did his cut-off jeans always turn purple no matter what he wore before he transforms into the Hulk? Ok. So three things.

Oh well, at least I got to spend time with MB. And thankfully, dinner was good, too.

GOING HOME... SOON
Less than a month. I can hardly wait. And yet the truth is, a big part of me wants to stay. But leaving has always been that way. It is never completely a happy event. Even if I am going back home.

But where is home really?

I did have a home here. With MB. And yes, I considered walking away. Not just once. But no matter how bad it got, he is always still that person who is here for me... He is that someone whom I've been 'going home to'. And that always feels nice. To be going home somewhere. Specially, to be going home to someone. Because at the end of the day, no matter how unlonely we are, we long for those late night conversations, because what is the essence of living if we cannot really share it with others?

I have stopped my countdown to goodbye in my cube. Because looking at the numbers have made me feel happy then sad then happy then sad, alternately.

So now I choose to enjoy my remaining time here. Well, of course, I need to complete my experiment, my baby project here, too, otherwise I can never forgive myself. As much as possible, I never want to leave things undone. Things are already going well. And I'm happy.

I wish I can say the same for me and MB. I hope we can come to a conclusion as well. Whatever it may be. I still care for him very much. In spite of everything that happened. But where do we go from here?

Ah. Leaving always makes me feel so pensive.

Sometimes I wish that I don't have to think or make decisions. That all I should care about are trivial things like my very early going away party this Friday, or pasalubong gifts I still need to buy.

But things do not quite work that way.

TIRED
When he gave me back my ring, our ring, this morning, I thought that today was the beginning of better things to come. That things will be alright from now on.

I had been excited the whole day, because I had prepared little gifts for him, created pages for a scrapbook, partly as a belated monthsary gift, and mostly because it's his day... Yes, he is a father. And I love that about him, because I can see how much he loves his kids..

But tonight, a call from an old college barkada just put us back where we were a few days ago. In that place where pain has almost ceased to exist, and numbness has begun to set in. He threw a fit, once more not listening to reason. Once more doubting and distrustful.

What have I done wrong?

I don't want to cry anymore. I AM SO F*CKIN' TIRED.

I cannot feel loved one moment, then feel like the most hated person in the whole world the next.

I love him but how far will that love go, really?

So when do I know enough is enough? When I say it is. For the first time ever in this relationship, I am ready to let go. I am scared shitless. But I'd rather be scared than be hurt over and over again.

He never even got to open his presents.

NOSTALGIC
I had wanted to go away this weekend... Preferably somewhere like Galera... :)

WHEN DO YOU KNOW
... that enough is enough? Sometimes your mind thinks it's time to let go, but your heart refuses to... even if it's been bruised and beaten, it keeps holding on. And maybe that's called foolishness. Or perhaps perseverance?

OREGON COAST

WEEKEND AT THE COAST
I felt a serenity I have not felt in a long time... There is something quite so wonderful about spending the day at the beach.. just watching the surf or listening to the waves as they crash to the shore or gazing at the lovely sunset... One loves the sunset when one is so sad... But I'm really not so sad anymore... Things are getting better.. Or maybe I have learned to get by.



Oh yeah, we went crab fishing. The picture below doesn't really do justice. Crabbing on the shore can be such a drag. So we went on a boat and did a lot better. 4 decently-sized crabs in two hours ain't so bad. Coz it's not as easy as it sounds.. Really. :)