I was on house arrest yesterday due to very bad cramps. I found myself going thru some old emails, and came across the exchanges which signaled the start of the end of my 5-yr relationship with an ex. The exchanges went on for more than a year before I accidentally stumbled upon them. Funny how that turns out sometimes... You find things when you're not really looking for it. Of course, I eventually discovered of secret meetings, phone calls, text exchanges. Name it. Of course my ex and his ex denied any physical relationship, but, whether or not that was true, there was no denying they had an emotional relationship that went beyond a simple friendship. And yes, that they were exes made it all the worse. And however they wanted to call it, it was to me a huge betrayal.

Somehow, I succumbed to the attempts of my ex (RJ) to get back together after I slammed my doors on him (figuratively, of course), with the condition that from then on, it was going to be an open relationship. No commitments while we were trying to work it out. And I did try, half-heartedly, maybe. I guess sometimes letting go is really not an easy thing. And perhaps, being oceans apart just made things worse, but somewhere along the way, I fell in love with a good friend who had once backed off when he knew I was in a relationship.

Although it was tough for me to have to finally break it off over the phone with RJ, I had no other choice. My only mistake was not admitting the real reason for the break-up, but only because I didn't have the heart to hurt him nor go through a long-distance drama. He took it rather well until somehow he found out the truth. I also eventually learned that he was supposed to propose to me a month after I broke the bad news to him. His well-meaning friend called me up to tell me about RJ's breakdown and how he had thrown the engagement ring into one of the trashbins in an airport in Toronto. RJ also flew in to see me and needless to say, that just made things worse for us. RJ shipped back every single thing I ever gave to him, he stopped talking to me, and I had to cut off my relationships with his family as well, which was sad because I loved them like my own, as I knew they loved me.

I definitely didn't want things to end the way they did. He had hurt me badly, but I had no intention of hurting him back. And I knew as well that I was as responsible as he was for the deterioration of our relationship. Both of us were travelling all the time, and in all the five years we were together, we probably just saw each other a total of 3 years. Needless to say, I've stopped believing in long distance relationships after that. Just way too many odds. The truth is, that was probably the reason why I approached my next big relationship the way I did, which was of course, a totally extreme reaction. And yeah, that didn't end too well either. Haha.

What's ironic though is that I've found myself in another LDR. And I've been brushing off the knots in my stomach everytime I allow myself to take a glimpse into the future. A wise man told me that worrying too much about the future takes away the joys of today. And today, all I know is that I'm so much in love with this man, and I'm going to go with it until it's time to let go.

I must admit though that plunging into this whole thing with my eyes closed is scaring the hell out of me. It's like emotional suicide.

And when I'm scared like that, I'm tempted to do stupid things. Like go out on a date with someone who actually lives just a couple of zip codes away from me. Thank goodness it's only going to be just 6 more weeks until I see R again. Until then, I'll keep the faith. Maybe the gods will be kinder to me this time around.