Alcohol consumption: 1 lychee martini (yum!). Caffeine intake: 1 Moroccan Mint Tea Latte from Coffee Bean (my fave), 1 Coke Light, 1 Regular Coke, 1 Nescafe from the vendo. Cigarette breaks: lots.

Today was quite lovely. Despite the rains, I was able to meet up with an old friend. We talked about love and marriage, pregnancy, miscarriages and how we always want the guy who cannot seem to stay put in one place. But at the end of the day, we want a guy who is there waiting for us to come home. The stable, sweet, nice guy for keeps, but the emotionally unattainable not-so-nice guy on the side. Are we the bachelorettes of the new millenium?

Anyhoo, I've been crushing on one of my techicians since I met him in one of our get-togethers. Obvious note to self: hello, code of conduct?!. Well, it was his birthday today and after my engineers greeted him on email, I also chimed in. And he replied. To me. Alone. Just a thank you note. With a smiley. Pogi points: 1 million. I got kilig. Grabeh ha. Ang babaw ko. Hahaha.

Labels: boys, life, relationships

I've talked about my last relationship, and about the abuse and the trauma.. But still, there are some details that I have left out, most of them too ugly and painful to be retold, and some of them, just truths i don't wanna deal with. Until I declared to my best friend that I want to seek professional help.

Yes, I've been thinking about it, even dreamed about it. Nothing in my blog may have hinted that until now. But things have gotten even crazier than before. Try starting up a product a month after a major life-threatening surgery, then ramp it up to 1MU/week, while going through a major court case. And somewhere in between, throw in abusive spats with the ex.

I've refused to involve my family in this, and none of them know the extent of what I'm going through, because I don't want them to go through the same agony and pain. I've involved my friends but most times, I just shut them out because I don't want to become their burden. Somewhere along the way, I formed friendships with the wrong men, probably thinking there's less collateral damage with them, just mostly my own.

But today my best friend called me up. And in those 18 years of friendship, I had never known she has gone through a similar situation that I had. She chose to downplay it, and she chose to keep quiet about the real deal. Until now. Until she saw me spiralling down, and allowing myself to do so. And I shed a tear or two, not for myself this time, but for her who had to endure it all alone. She stayed in that abusive relationship for more than a year, because she was so sure she was not worthy to be with anyone else. She did her best to please her man, to appease him, to make him respect her. She eventually found the strength to exorcise him out of her life. But not without a price. She got married to the next guy who showed her love and respect, thinking that nice men are a rarity and she probably would never ever meet someone like him anymore. She chose to tell me all these things now, because she knows that she can help me not make the same mistakes that she did. And because she knows I'm made of much stronger stuff that I would like to give myself credit for. And I have never appreciated her more.

And so after weeks and weeks of waking up each day and barely brushing my hair and just going through the motions, I finally decided it's time to start living again.

Today I painted my toenails orange. And tomorrow, I'll wear a smile. Once again.

Labels: abuse, life, relationships

"Now we can dance upon the sweetest love refrain
you're my tomorrow and you're my today
now only you can show the way
through fire and rain I'm feelin' pain so much
you're such a part of me I want you back
hey! It's good to see you again " - Let Me In, Mike Francis

You're not a real 80's kid if you don't ooohhhhhhhh whenever you hear this song. This brings me back to memory lane, of time when love was all kilig, even if it meant just holding hands with the boy who made your heart beat faster as you make your way through the crowd in your school dance... Yeah, he was the boy you let in with the flowers. ;)

I got a chance to hear Mike Francis perform live at ATC last night. Siyet. He is super galeng. That voice and sound is just so distinct. And the encore number was so beautiful. They performed this taglish version of Sana'y Maulit Muli. Kung kaya kong iwanan ka, di na sana aasa pa.. Kung kaya kong umiwas na, di na sana lalapit pa... Haay, kaka inlove. Made me wanna grab the hand of the cute boy with the colorful reggae hat across the room. Hehe.

Labels: concert

"You know the most surprising thing about divorce is? It doesn't actually kill you, like a bullet to the heart or a head-on car wreck. It should. When someone you've promised to cherish till death do you part says, I never loved you, it should kill you instantly. You shouldn't have to wake up day after day after something like that, trying to understand how in the world you didn't know. The light just never went on, you know. But of course, I must have known but I was just too scared to see the truth. That fear just makes you stupid…" - Under The Tuscan Sun

The movie was nice and endearing, and I like it for being hopeful yet not in an unrealistic or condescending way. I love the scenery with the flowers and the vineyard, and the rustic villa, with the Mediterranean coast as backdrop… It is just so lovely, I have this sudden urge to go on this gay trip to Tuscany.

Sometimes, you know, we find ourselves in some place new, whether we wanted to or not. And it is scary, but what comes next is always up to us. We can choose to be afraid and hide to where we think we’re safe, or we can take that leap of faith and rebuild our lives, even without really knowing what the future holds for us.

“They built train tracks over the Alps, even before there was a train, because they knew there would be a train.” Yeah, it is never bad for us to have faith like that, especially during the lowest moments of our lives. And who knows, it will be better than you would ever have imagined.

Labels: movies

Time moves so fast these days. Been getting 4 hrs sleep max. To think I've moved into a house near work because my body is just screaming at me by getting inflicted with viral infections every other week. But I find that it just never ends. "We are now in crisis mode". "We're starting a task force". We should do away with the buzz words and just say we screwed up, and now we're paying for it with no sleep, no rest, and just a sufficient amount of sanity left.

I don't know if I really still love what I'm doing. I mean, this job has the only been that's consistent in my life for the past 7 years. I've had several relationships, several homes in different countries or even cities with the Philippines, several other things in my life, but work has always been constant. Of course I've moved jobs, positions, ranks but, still in the same company. And I think I'm just really afraid to let go, because I just don't wanna get lost out there. I'm feeling lost already as it is, having to move around so much, with so many people coming in and out of my life either by choice or circumstance.

I'm up already and it's only 4AM. I guess I never really slept. I crashed into bed way before 9PM, only to get woken up in unknown intervals from work. I get SMS ocassionally, and I open them, read them, and just fall back to sleep. But we had an emergency meeting at 1AM, and we finished around 3.. now I'm awake, asking myself one million and one questions...

And maybe it was because of that call from the ex last night. We didn't really talk about anything of consequence. He was just asking me stuff about inventory and all, with his kids' laughter in the background, and it felt so natural and so like old times.. Yet I know, it's not like old times. Those days were long gone. And even mundane things like a conversation about beverages and supplies can really hit you right there in the middle, you know.

And you begin to wonder whether you really gave up on the right thing.

Labels: life, relationships, work

Film: Vibrator (Japan, 2003)
Director: Ryuichi Hiroki

This is one of the 1st two films I've watched in CineManila already. Final recommendation: I loved it. It is poignant, and again, something that tugged my heart because of subjects that I can relateto. I'm not too fond of watching subtitles, but it grows on you, and you learn to balance reading and watching the expression on the faces of the charcters on screen. The movie is shot on the road formost of the film, and at one point I almost got carsick (for real) but, the shots does serve a cinematic purpose (illustrating timeflies so fast even for connections that have just been made)...

This is mainly a story about a single, 30sumthing woman, a freelancewriter, who hears voices inside her head. As she reads through a fashion magazine (maybe the Japanese Cosmo), she suddenly realizes women has to listen to a lot of crap about their body image, their aged and wrinkled skins, and the dictates to keep themselves sexy and beautiful. Soon, we find out she throws up her food, to feel good about herself, and she drinks alcohol to cure her insomnia. All in all, she feels lost, until she met a truck driver who has a criminal past, wife and kid but in spite of his roughness, he treated her ever so gently, and love (and lust) blossomed in the movie. And so, again, we are told, love is one of our salvations, but this movie also goes beyond that.

The director used flashbacks, title screens (to mirror the lead character's thoughts) - which i think are really funny, like a movie version of a thought balloon, and voice over (she claims to hear voices on her head, after all), and cutting to the present.. As most of the scenes happen inside the truck, you are forced to be intimate with the two characters as they start to unravel the persons that they are to each other, and we can see every wrinkling of their skin as they smile or frown or orgasm. :p One of the scenes I liked was when the two characters were in the tub together, after Rei (the woman) had a nervous breakdown of sorts, and you can see that even with the arms of Takatoshi (the man) around her, her eyes reflect the loneliness of her soul.

This movie is every bit a love story, about finding connections in strange places (or with strange people, for that matter), but it is also a road trip to self-discovery, if not hope, or ultimately, redemption.

Labels: movies