KitKat
Normally, this would have been a god-awful week. Once again, I'm down with colds. Must be the freakin' cold (err, freezing) weather and the long work hours. But he, my baby, is turning it all around. I had mentioned it casually to him that girls appreciate even the most babaw of sweet gestures. Say, give her chocolates, kahit KitKat. Since then he has been given me KitKats at unexpected places and times - like under my pillow (he called me one morning and said, look under your pillow.. how and when he put the KitKat there, who knows..) or in my car compartment (he passed me a note and said - look in the compartment).

When I become old and gray, a KitKat will always put a smile on my face. It will remind me that once in my life, I loved completely and someone loved me back in the same way, or even more...

IS THIS LOVE?
(Mush alert!!)

Is this love - is this love - is this love -
Is this love that I'm feelin'?
I wanna know - wanna know - wanna know now!
I got to know - got to know - got to know now!

I'm willing and able,
So I throw my cards on your table!
I wanna love you - I wanna love and treat - love and treat you right;
I wanna love you every day and every night:
We'll be together, yeah! - with a roof right over our heads;
We'll share the shelter, yeah, oh now! - of my single bed;
We'll share the same room, yeah! - for Jah provide the bread.

Yep, this is my song of the moment. I am in love. Too soon kaya to say that I really do love this guy? Hay, I don't have the answers right now.

****
Unica Hija said:

"i have a bad feeling i will never fall in love again-the heart-wrenching, torturous, passionate kind. i've reached the quota, and my heart can't seem to let go anymore.

rats. i've wasted my three chances. "

I've already struck out once. Wasted that one chance. Hanggang ngayon tuloy, TLB is still somehow part of my life because of some unfinished business. I guess when too people believe they were meant for each other but were too scared and overwhelmed to go for it, they get haunted by regret for a long time. I don't want that to happen again. So this time, I will not run. Gawd, I'm scared as a cat, but better scared than sorry.

The bachelorette party was a blast. Gawd, we all got so buzzed inside the limo as we cruised in style around downtown Portland... We went to a drag show (feh, everyone thought we were going to a male strip club), then to Boogie Woogies, then to a dancing club.. I somehow ended up grinding with a random guy on the dance floor. Gawd, so not my style. I'd blame it on the booze, but then again, we were all just having fun!!

* * * * *
I met someone and we've been together for more than a week now. He told me "I feel like an 18-yr old falling in love for the first time..".. Yeah, there's a reason for the smile pasted on my face despite being tired and weary from all the long hours at work. Everything just magically fell into place for us. And it seems perfect. Only it's not. His life is more complicated than any soap opera character. And our future together is uncertain. I should really walk away now before my heart gets broken into pieces again. But then again, I've ran away too many times already in the past to know that there is nothing worst than regret. So I'd stick this one out. Life is all about taking risks, after all.

Just when everything feels so right and so good, reality hits hard. Life keeps playing cruel tricks on me.

I'M OK
Sorry for the scare. But things are ok. For now. Thanks for the nice words, everyone :)

STUPID
Gawd, I did something terribly stupid and irresponsible. And I feel so... scared. I would be distaught if I were not so busy with everything going on at work now. But, what if...? I could not even bare thinking about it. Scared is so much an understatement.

LAST HURRAH
The long weekend, and I hardly felt it. Spent a few hours at work to catch up. Just when I think things are finally done, more stuff needs to be added. But, I did have a V day date and it went pretty well. Been hanging out with the guy this weekend, in between work, and we're having so much fun. Unfortunately, though, while I'm enjoying all this recent lovelife drama (more details later, maybe), there are so many sub-plots and twists that I'd care to deal with right now. We'll see..

-----
Watched the Wailers in Portland. Had such a blast, and it might be a while before I'll party like that. Ok, there's a promising bachelorette party this weekend, too. Limo ride in the downtown, booze, and uhm, semi-naked men. Woohoo. That is, if I can find someone who can cover for me at work on my shift. Yes, we are officially going on 12-hr shifts, Monday to Sunday, beginning this week. We'll be in the dungeon till who knows when.

HAPPY V DAY
Just wanted to send out my love to all :) But yeah, one never has to wait for this today to express love to the special people in our lives.

----
Multiple choice: What did this girl do during the 1st few hours of Valentine's day:
a. Working late as usual, debugging a program
b. Making out with a guy in the office parking lot
c. Listening to senti mp3's like "Heaven, If You're Not the One, Passenger Seat" and crying herself to sleep

:) Have a good weekend, you all. Specially to those who can still enjoy the President's day long weekend.

IF YOU'RE NOT THE ONE
by Daniel Bedingfield

If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don’t know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you’re the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms

SICK
After weeks and weeks of working more than 16-hr days, my body finally gave in. I'm sick and I miss E so bad. Can it get any worse?

------

Went to a Portland underground tunnel tour last Friday. The tour itself was crappy as we were circling about a block only and we didn't get to see the riverfront. But it was interesting to learn about shanghaiing during the 19th century Portland. For $11 bucks, it looked like you just went to granny's basement, but if you can spare a few dollars, I guess it won't hurt to go. It blew me away when I saw people coming up from a trap door in the sidewalk. Galeng!

------
Dinner was at an Indian resto called Swagat. My taste buds just can't tolerate HOT!! I'm sticking to mild next time.

------
Watched "How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days". Gawd, that movie is so hilarious.. Kate Hudson is now my new funny girl next to Meg Ryan.

------
Gained 5 lbs. since December. Syet. Time to go back to the gym.

MEET RUTHIE
Dear Friends,
I have a new handle. I know. Too late in the game to try to be anonymous. But I guess it won't hurt to try :)
Love,
Ruthie :)

MEANTIME GIRL
(stolen from THE GIRL)

She's the one you call when you're bored because she makes you laugh. She's the one you talk to when you're feeling down because she's willing to lend an ear and be a friend.

She's not the one you call when you need a date to your company's Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night.

She's the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find "The One". You know, the one who you keep around in the meantime. She's not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don't look at her as a "real" woman, either. She's not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in that light. She's too laid-back, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She's too understanding, too comfortable - she doesn't make you feel nervous or excited the way a "real" woman does. But she's cool, and nice, and funny, and attractive enough that when you're lonely or horny and need intimate female companionship, she'll do just fine.

You don't have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already, and you don't have any facades to keep up, no pretenses to preserve. You're not trying to get anything of substance out of her. She's not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you, and that she'll give you the intimacy you need. And you know you don't have to explain yourself or the situation, that she'll be able to cope with the fact that this isn't the beginning of a relationship or that there's any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her.

It won't bother her that you'll get up in the morning, put on your pants, say goodbye, and go on a date with the woman you've been mooning over for weeks who finally agreed to go out with you. She'll settle for a goodbye hug and a promise to call her and tell her how the date went.

She's just so cool . . . why can't all women be like that?! But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don't because to you, the situation between the two of you isn't important enough to merit any real thought), you know that it's really not fair. (life isn't fair)

You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don't think she's good enough to spend any real time with. Sure, it's mostly her fault, because she
doesn't have to give in to your needs - she could play the hard-to-get bitch like the rest of them do, if she really wanted to. But you and she both know that she probably couldn't pull it off. Maybe she's too short, or a little overweight, or has a big birthmark on her forehead, or works at Taco Bell.

Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman. So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, the secret lover, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman. You'll joke to her that she should be the best man at your wedding, and she'll laugh and make a joke about a smelly rental tux.

She doesn't captivate you with her beauty, or open doors with her smile. Mainly she blends in with the crowd. She's safe. She doesn't want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. But she wants to turn someone's head. She wants to be special to someone, too. We all do. She has feelings. She has a heart. In fact, she probably has a bigger and better heart than any woman you've ever known because she's had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway. She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you've given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is.

Anyway, yeah. I'm a Meantime Girl. Been one more times than I care to admit. I don't know the reason, really, and at this point I don't even care. I just want to let every guy know who's ever had the good fortune to have a Meantime Girl that we may be a lot of fun, but we cry, too. A lot. And someday we won't be around.

SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL
- Jars of Clay

If you put your arms around me
Could it change the way I feel
I guess I let myself believe
That the outside might just
Bleed it's way in
Maybe stir the sleeping past
Lying under glass
Waiting for the kiss
That breaks this awful spell
Pull me out...of this lonely cell

Close my eyes and hold my heart
Cover me and make me something
Change this something normal
Into something beautiful

What I get from my reflection
Isn't what I thought I'd see
Give me reason to believe
Never leave me incomplete
Will you untie this loss of mine
It so easily defines me
Do you see it on my face?
And all I can think about
Is how long
I've been waiting to feel you move me

Into something beautiful
Into something beautiful

And I'm still fighting for the
Word to break these chains
And I still pray when I look
In your eyes, you'll stare right
Back down into something beautiful

Into something beautiful

MUY CALIENTE!




This guy is so hot!! Plus, he's such a mean salsa dancer - Kamar delos Reyes. He reminds me of this guy from long ago. Kermit. I don't think I ever got over him (unfortunately, eternally single, and thus, unavailable). I still carry his name in my email address and passwords. Too bad neither of us were up for a long distance relationship. Plus, we were too alike. The way we bury ourselves with work or the way we still enjoyed being out there. A bad combination.

He'll be in California next week. So near yet so far.

KUNG HEI FAT CHOI!
Happy year of the Ram!! Hugs to my little chinoy and chinay pamangkins!! And of course to their 'rents..

* * *
I greeted E a happy new year today. First he laughed. Then he said thank you. I wonder what was funny. Not my or his uneasiness. Nor my misery. Nor the fact that no matter what I say, no matter what I believe in, I still want him to be a part of my life. And there's nothing funny about that.

* * *
I never thought these seemingly neutral words could ever cause me so much pain. "See you when I see you".
* * *
Still waiting for my program to compile. Then I'm off, put on a happy face and attend a new year's party. There's another one tom., too. And I'm not even Chinese. It's is kinda fun to work in an multi-cultural company, sometimes.