I MISS NEW YORK AND I MISS YOU
It's bad for me but I just can't leave it alone :)

I guess when you're stressed, you struggle to hang on to good things, happy memories, even when the same places or people caused you pain in between. Or maybe because it was just your birthday the other day.. or that in a few days, i will be reminded of the succession of events that happened one after another until we realized we loved being together. How time flies indeed. And how things have remained yet changed so drastically. Like New York, the love affair was bittersweet and brief. Like you, New York was all wrong for me, but is the love of my life..

I've been nostalgic for days now. And maybe because finally and decisively, I'm inching my way forward, and farther away from you. And that's the way it should be. Yet I can't help but look back and remember fondly.

The curse of a great love.

YOU WIN SOME, YOU LOSE SOME
Things seem to be happening all at once these days. I just got my grade for my Quanti class.. not too bad for someone who almost quit on school by the second meeting. Suffice to say, I can still become a dean's lister if I keep it up, and this subject is supposed to be the worst of the lot.. Cross fingers. As for my project at work, things are not going too well.. No decent sleep for weeks now, with problems happening one after another.. I probably get a one-day breather, then it rains again.. But we did get just get our bonus and it wasn't too bad.. Most of the money, though, will go to my enrolment fee for next term, and hopefully, a few of it will go for my car because I badly need to send it to the casa.. It's been long overdue. My friends have given me their full support, cheering me up, leading me on, reminding me of good things. But then the ugly reality reared its head again today.. and I will finally have to face that moment of reckoning that has been delayed for one reason or another for so many months now.. I should be happy but I'm not. I should cry one last time but I can't.. For now I just seem to be devoid of any feeling, perhaps my way of escaping the pain for things that cannot be, for loves that are lost but hopefully not wasted. Ultimately, I know I can survive through all these different emotions, and someday just be... normal again.. But for a while, I know I will succumb to sadness again, maybe just a little bit.. And I will wonder from time to time, the answers to the questions that I still ask but are elusive.

TO BE YOUNG AGAIN
Hanging out with high school friends makes me think me of two things: Oh, to be young again.. and Argh, high school was such a longggggggggg time ago :)

I always love it that even after not seeing each other for ages, we can just hang out and it does not feel like any time has passed between us.. And last night was one of those times. We practically broke the ambiance in Cosa Nostra, known for it's quiet, romantic setting (and of course, the great pizza and pasta, although just a side note, the food isn't as good anymore). When we first walked in, we even whispered to each other, and decided to mute our cellphones because all around us were couples dating, though there was one family with a screaming baby (it lasted for a few minutes) for a while. But as soon as we started talking, we cannot help but laugh at the good ol' days, and soon, we were going at it like we were just hanging in one of the barkada's house, like old times.. Kakahiya nga.. Buti na lang we were mostly talking to each other in our dialect, so dedma.. But yah, next time, we will choose a different place to go to.. :)

But we also talked about the NOW, and things are not that simple anymore.. At least two batchmates are going through a divorce, 2 marriages already annuled, one of the guy's wife is going after him for abandoning her and their kids (we do not know all the details, but we do know that the wife is such a psycho, and she has been stalking and harassing some of us lately), one of our friend's husband died in a terrible car crash, leaving her with their young son... So many folks are going out of the country for good.. We talked about politics and what our future would be like, specially to us who are left behind.. Everyone remained the same, yet we also changed so much. Gone were the days where our biggest problem was getting a date right before our yearly Christmas gatherings.. Life is much more complicated now.. It's a time for big decisions. And a time for compromise.

After Cosa Nostra closed, we moved to one of the nearby bars and continued with our reminiscing and catching up on each other's lives at the same time..

By the time we called it a night, we were mostly pensive, thinking about what's next.. Three successfull bachelors are thinking about getting married next year, albeit they are still reluctant to take that next step.. One girl is still in the process of tying loose ends.. The other two in the bunch are single souls who used to almost have it then, but the girl has moved on though she is afraid she might still end up with the guy because she is afraid to grow old alone.

Life is just not easy anymore. Sometimes, I think to myself, what I'd give to be young again.

WANNA SLEEP ALL DAY
And I wanna watch this concert. :)

IF IT'S NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK
I know they say God won't give you challenges or problems you cannot handle. And that sometimes, we have to go through pain, in order to appreciate joy even more.. But dear God, I think I've reached my quota. Sometimes I think I can no longer take any more of this. If it's not too much too ask, please, Lord, let all this pain stop.

"Power is being told you are not loved and not being destroyed by it." - Madonna

RANDOM THOUGHTS
1. I'm doing my taxes.. Or at least the tax data organizer.. And baby, it ain't pretty.. Dem. I hate doing this thing. Every year, I have to go back to history -- when I took vacation and all that.. I had to look at my email and blog archives to remember some details.. And it took me to some memories, pleasant and not.
2. Which brings me to my 2nd bullet, I seriously need to do some email clean up. I don't know how many thousands I have archived in my hard drive. But this I can say, some of them are dated as far back as 1999..
3. 1999 -- My love affair with Costa Rica.
4. 2002-2003 -- What is hopefully, the peak of my reign as drama queen. This year, it stops. It has to.
5. I have a headache and hunger pangs, and it's making it harder to fill up a 20-page file. I hope to receive no calls from work tonight, and hope to finally eat my first meal.. Presumably after I finish my taxes.
6. I have been delinquent in sooooooooooooooo many things. A tuition fee reimbursement almost 2 yrs due (shoot, I hope to God they would still accept this...); my taxes; some biz plan thingie I'm trying to put together for uhm.. someone; my latest tuition fee reimbursement (last term); my accomplishment report for 2003; my 1on1's with my subordinate for their accomplishment reports in 2003............ the list is friggin' endless... And I blog, because, argh, I don't know where to start.
7. It's my dad's bday today and also Sinulog festival. I wish to be there with them instead of here.
8. For my niece's 13th birthday, she received a Nokia 3650 from an admirer. And I'm like, wow, I never received anything fancy from admirers during that age. Flowers and chocolates at best. Deng, I was born at the wrong generation. :)
9. I realize my apartment is still one big mess. 6 months later, most of my stuff remain unpacked.
10. Yes, 6 months after my laparotomy. In less than a month, marks the 1st year from that moment which started it all....

'Tis all I can say :)

GOOD MORNING BABY!
"Good morning baby I hope I'm gonna make it through another day
See the stars and all the planets
Fly the great wide world and have it all
Yeah, better get a ticket better get in line
I'm praying now for beautiful weather
Take a car and drive forever but I'm
Only ever sitting at the traffic light
And all the world to see is too much sometimes for me..." - Good Morning Baby, Bic Runga

Ah... my sentiments exactly.. And if I were coming from a gimik, instead of having woken up at 4AM, SATURDAY morning (after sleeping past midnight), to answer a problem at work, I would be a happy gal. Because, that means, I'm hitting the covers and drifting to la-la land.. Instead, in an hour or less, I need to be at our satellite office so I can go to a meeting, until 9AM...

I hope I'm gonna make it through another day.

WHEN SLEEP BECOMES A LUXURY
I don't know how I can sustain this... 2-4hrs of sleep per day. I want to get lost in my dreams and feel the softness of my pillows... and not be interrupted by late night or early morning calls... or not have to stay late til midnight to coordinate with teams in a different time zone.. or wake up early morning again to catch them before their end of day................... I miss you, dear Yellow.. Come back to me soon.

TOO CLOSE TO HOME
Another crime. Neighbor's (only two houses down) SUV was carnapped. And I found out this is like the third car on our street. Shoot. I'm fearing for my safety again. Last few nights I've been going home late from work. In times like this I dislike living on my own.

DETACHING MYSELF FROM THE PAIN OF ABUSE
From the book, Tuesdays with Morrie, Morrie describes detachment. "But detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That's how you are able to leave it."

"Same for loneliness: you let go, let the tears flow, feel it completely - but eventually be able to say, All right, that was my moment with loneliness. I'm not afraid of feeling lonely, but now I'm going to put that loneliness aside and know that there are other emotions in the world, and I'm going to experience them as well".

So I detach myself from those hurtful words "I hate you", and so on. I feel the pain, and I recognize it. But now, I'm not going to dwell on it. There is too much going on, and there is no room for that. I'm sorely tempted to get angry too and say "Go to hell!". But then, what will that give me? Certainly not the peace that I want.

Right now, all I can do is remain calm, and understand that I am the one abused, and it is not my fault. Because I have done everything to show how much I care, that in spite of all the taunting, I continue to stick around. And I realize now that although it is my choice to give and I'm doing it without asking for anything in return, at some point in time, I have to do a little bit of the taking. And all I really want is some respect and appreciation. And if that does not happen, it is no longer being selfless but foolish.

I will not let the pain control me. I will leave that pain. Instead I will focus on the love others have for me. Because even if I still love you, I love me, too.

WELCOME BREAK
Last week was a week from hell. All hell just broke loose at work. We were in meetings almost 24hrs a day, and I don't mean that figuratively. Most days we couldn't afford to grab food to eat.. No lunches, and even no yosi breaks for me. Which was probably good. As I have started to put myself on an (un)strict diet, and smoking, well, been trying to stop. But still, I was one tired lass by the time I went home Friday. Almost midnight. Then of course, received calls again during dawn from work, had a 7AM meeting. Tried to get back to sleep but more data was needed. Managed a couple of hours nap or so.. Then back to the grind. Until my bestfriend text'd me, asking me if I wanted to go out. Deng, I needed a break. So off we went with my high school friends (I've been hanging out with them more lately, and I realize, wow, >15yrs of friendship.. not too bad at all) to Eastwood, we hung out in Ipanema. Just outside, thank you. and the breeze was wonderful, where people watching was easier too. Hehe. But damn, this place. So packed with kids. Went upstairs and tried to pee, but good luck, the whole dance floor was just filled to the brim, and I couldn't even try inch my way through the rest rooms. Tried SBC downstairs, and apparently, the person at the loo had been inside there for 15mins. And I was the 3rd person on the queue. My bladder now screaming for release, and I finally discovered a decent restroom in the building to the cinemas. Relief. And all that is just my roundabout way of saying, dem, these kids are party-crazy! How they could breathe and move inside, is a mystery to me. Haha.

Of course, hanging out with my high school buddies is never complete without the usual batch chismis.. And it was kinda eerie because one of my male barkada was with his wife and they have one child, and when all of us were reminiscing about our good ol' days, we sort of looked at each other, and I remembered, oh yeah, we had kissed one night. We were not an item or anything, it was probably just one of those things you did when you're young... a spur of the moment... I think what he told me that night was "Can you help me practice how to kiss?" Haha. So there, nothing romantic or whatever. Very juvenile at that. Anyhoo, he seems a lot more mature now, and him and his beautiful wife has a very lovely love story -- serendipitious, at the very least... Makes me smile, thinking, yeah, there are a few lucky ones who do find their destined partners.. I will not lose hope :)

So their story? The guy saw the girl once in Chowking in the guy's city, and made pa cute with her. She was just a freshman in college then. No introductions happened, but he was smitten. Fast forward a year later, the guy gets assigned in the girl's hometown (different island), and became friends with the girl's cousin. One year later, the friend and the girl's uncle died, and the guy went to the wake, and they saw each other the second time, all the while connected with 6 degrees (or less, actually). Finally, introductions. And the rest is history, so to speak. Cute talaga.

Back to my break, we capped the night off at Coffee Bean at the Citywalk2. I love their Morrocan Mint Tea. Not as authentic as the one I tried before, but yummy just the same. I hope they open up a Coffee Bean in Rockwell. Then goodbye green tea frap :)

Hmmm... I better savour this quiet time. Tomorrow, another hell week begins.

AAWWWWWWWWWWWWW :)
Wow.. Such sweet vows from Julius and Tintin (parang close kame.. hehe)... Hope they won't do a "Britney" (will add in my vocabulary meaning getting married and then getting an annulment within 48hrs, or any short period of time).

From her -
"Back then, I had so many questions and fears-but you took all those fears away! And because of your love, I learned to trust....

There is nothing I want more than to grow old with you, and spend the last breath of my life with you beside me...

When all else is taken away from me, I will find comfort in the thought that I have you to love. I may not have all the things I dream of, but I have love, I have you."

From him -
"I always knew we would end up together, although the road wasn't always smooth. But I only remember the good times-the best times of my life!...

I am marrying you, Tintin, because I refuse to end those moments. And I know that we will have more wonderful moments, not only as a couple, but also as a family..."

One more time. Aawwwwwwwwww :)

GOING AWAY FOR MORE SUN?!!

Office conversation of the day:

J: Sis, punta ka daw Boracay? Saya!
Me: Talga? Punta ako?
J: Cra!! D ba punta ka next week?
Me: Huh? Di ko alam yun ah..
J: Sabi ni Buddy (another officemate) sama daw kayo..
Me: Baka ibang Ruthie yun.
J: No, Ruthie (add family name) daw sabi nya. Di ikaw nga yun.
Me: Hello, eh di nga kame close ni Buddy noh!!
J: Ay ewan.

Hmmm.. I'm apparently taking another trip. And I don't even know about it. Hahaha.. With folks pa na I hardly even know.. Aliw.

Anyhoo, I am planning a trip but summer pa... Need time to get rid muna of my ern, baby fats.. LOL.

A BAD JOKE
Ooops. Britney got married. For one night that is. Very irresponsible. But then again, who am I to judge? Maybe I should just be thankful that we live in a world where some things can be undone to a certain extent. That's not necessarily good. Or bad. But all I notice is, people now put less thought and responsibility over their actions, because, you know, you can always hit undo, or wipe with liquid eraser. "If it does not work, we can always annul our marriage".. Tates, from Bridal Shower told her beau. Instead of working through something, people just take the easy way out. But then again, some things can also not be forced. If it's clearly not worth it, then by all means, do not suffer through it. Undo, and move on along.

Pero talaga, taka lang ako.. Bakit sa kanila ambilis lang? Hmmm...

I AM 32 FLAVORS AND THEN SOME

.. and it's about time to give the people around me again a taste of who I really am. :) I'm saying goodbye to that sad little girl hoping for the sun.. Because heck, the sun does rise every single day!!

________________________________________________

32 Flavors by Alana Davis

Squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster, I am 32 flavors and then some

And I'm beyond your peripheral vision so you might want to turn your head
'Cause someday you're going to get hungry and eat all of the words that you just said

I am what I am, I am 32 flavors and then some
God help you if you are an ugly
Course too pretty is also your doom
'Cause everyone harbors a secret hatred for the prettiest girl in the room

God help you if you are a phoenix and you dare to rise up from ash
A thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy while you are just flying past

I am what i am, I am 32 flavors and then some
I'm taking my chances as they come
I am 32 flavors and then some, I'm nobody but I am someone, someone...

I'd never try to give my life meaning by demeaning you
And I would like to state for the record...
I did everything that I could do
I am beyond your peripheral vision so you might want to turn your head
'Cause someday you're going to be starving and eating al the words that you just said
That you said

I am what I am, I am what I am
I am 32 flavors and then some
I'm taking my chances as they come
I am 32 flavors and then some
I'm looking for truth and there is none
32 flavors and then some
I'll never forget where I came from
32 flavors and then some
I'm nobody but I am someone
32 flavors and then some
I'm taking my chances as they come
32 flavors and then some
Looking for truth and there is none

YEAR-ENDER SURVEY
I know it's a tad late but aliw eh :)

1. What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before?
Hmmm.. something I did on April 8 and driving alone from Bicol to Manila (~7hrs)

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make resolutions... I think

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yep, my best friend, Laryang!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
An officemate I worked with on the same project

5. What countries did you visit?
Was in Oregon the 1st half of the year

6. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003?
Peace of mind and heart

7. What date from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
April 8 - changed my life forever

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Just staying afloat/alive amidst all my personal troubles

9. What was your biggest failure?
hmmm.. a failed relationship

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Had a major surgery

11. What was the best thing you bought?
The magic mic for my 'rents :)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My younger sis (gave me strength when I was weak)

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Ahh.. MB and myself...

14. Where did most of your money go?
Good question.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
April 8

16. What song will always remind you of 2003?
Heaven

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Sadder, for the most part
ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter, hehe
iii. richer or poorer? Poorer, hehe

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Be more patient

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Crying and wallowing in sadness

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Spent it with my parents

22. Did you fall in love in 2003?
Hell yeah

23. How many one-night stands?
Sorry.. Not my style

24. What was your favorite TV program?
That Judy Ann/Robin teleserye (forgot na the title) while I was in the U.S. because it helped lessen my homesickness

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Not really

26. What was the best book you read?
Harry Potter (because it was the only book I finished, I think)

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Alice Peacock, Black-Eyed Peas

28. What did you want and got?
Hmmm.. my vacation, I guess

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Bad Boys II, just because I watched it with a special someone and it made me laugh hard

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I spent it at work, my then baby prepared a lovely dinner at home

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If I had not spent more than half of it being sad

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003?
I just wear whatever makes me comfortable

34. What/Who kept you sane?
My friends and family; blogging

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Catherine Zeta-Jones in Intolerable Cruelty :)

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The presidentiables (well not really an issue.. but then again)

37. Who did you miss?
MB

38. Who was the best new person you met?
MB

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003:
Love is not quite enough to keep two people together

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"All the world just stopped now
So you say you don't wanna stay together anymore
Let me take a deep breath babe...
I don't believe you're leaving cause
me and Charles Manson like the same ice cream
I think it's that girl
and I think there're pieces of me you've never seen
Maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen well...
You don't know the power that you have,
with that tear in your hand " - Tear In Your Hand by Tori Amos

and

"And now I'm serving time for mistakes made by another
In another lifetime

How long till my soul gets it right
Can any human being ever reach that kind of light" - Galileo by Indigo Girls

HELLO, 2004!!
Hello 2004, and hello Manila, too. Am back from my ~2-week RnR. It was fun. Lots of eating, karaoke, dancing, drinking.. did I say, eating? :) I finished Tuesdays with Morrie which I bought because I got so intrigued since so many Friendsters list that as their favorite read. Will try to review some other time but it really was not that impressive. Ok lang. I liked being around my family.. specially my siblings and cousins. It was sad, though, to see my once very charismatic and jolly uncle (mom's younger brother), bedridden and getting fed via NGT.

Being offline was actually very refreshing. But it revived my old habit of boob-tube watching. No worries, though. Things are back to normal now in my cable-free apartment :) The magic mic was a big hit. Karaoke galore. 24/7. Hahaha. I learned how to make mango float (whoever invented Graham crackers deserves one big kiss!! hehe), and my fruit salad punch was a hit (actually a variation of gin pomelo but i added spiked fruit-flavored jello's and apple slices).

Got together with some high school buddies, and it was fun once more to go down memory lane, as well as to get updated with latest batch tsismis like who came out when, how many marriages got annuled, who got married or had children, etc.. One of our batchmates is now a big star back home, being a top-paid showgirl/hostess/singer. Another batchmate is also a famous singer. A handful of successful doctors, nurses (most of whom are now either in the U.S. or UK), and engineers in the semicon and telecom industries. And for the juicy bits, we have a batchmate who came out just recently but is in the closet again in his hometown so as not to jeopardize his budding political career (he is running for mayor). Another batchmate who got involved in a major estafa case and can name drop one of the widely talked about politicians lately. (hehe, I feel like a gossip column). We are indeed one colorful bunch. But at the end of the day, we get-together and unanimously say that high school was indeed the best of times for us. Those four years molded us into the people we are now, good or bad. Those four years forged a bond that can't easily be broken by time nor distance. Our teachers say we were the coolest batch. I never realized we were so loved because we so personified the word "dedma". We cared enough to do well in school and respect authority, but also did not care about the demands and expectations of others. We just were who we were. Ah, what I'd give to be 13 again, wide-eyed, scared but also worry-free.

2003 was definitely a colorful and eventful year for me. It will go down in history of one of the most remembered years in my so-called life. So many things happened, that the plots changed faster than our daily soaps. Yup, last year is full of bittersweet memories. But I still measure it in love....

And what does 2004 have in store for me, I wonder? I don't know. All I know is, my to-do-before-30 list is almost due. And I still have not learned to drive a stick-shift, nor learned how to swim. I still want to become a certified diver and go back to Costa Rica to see stingrays and sharks and beautiful corals. But I'm now a certified to do CPR/first aid. Yey. Cooking, I suppose, is a continuous improvement thing, but I can feed myself and probably one more who never complained of my so-called "cooking". Anyhoo, I've learned enough in the past years to not create lists anymore. That is not to say I will stop trying. Just that, I may need to revisit that list and reprioritize. Because there may be other important things I need to do. Besides, should life really stop at 30? Nah. In fact, I will make this year a good start of better years to come! And while I won't have any more lists, I will continue to strive to learn new skills every now and then, finish my MBA in a year or so, be of constant service to others, and yeah, definitely take up swimming. After all, my ultimate dream is to live a bohemian lifestyle - be a beach bum/writer/struggling artist :)

I already know that this year is going to be a year of big decisions for me. While I have not reached the end of the corporate ladder, recent events have made me rethink my career goals. Basta, I want to embrace a good deal of fearlessness and risk-taking in this area. I want to establish a good portfolio. Be more business savvy. Take control of my finances. To buy a Pajero, or not, that is the question. LOL. I want to say goodbye to the shopaholic. I will ingest less alcohol and coffee but I will ensure to continue to strengthen relationships. I will party less, and instead, I will read, write and continue to feed my soul and the inner artist in me, lest I lose track of my identity once again. I will touch lives of other people in my own small ways.. specially children because much as I love old and sick people, I have an irrational fear of mortality, specially since my parents are now in their golden years and I just don't want to deal with that reality.......

2004, another year. You will be my year of hope. And 362 days from now, I still want to measure you in love.