;) What's a good way to start a vacation? Hearing your voice, which I realize now, still gives me a lot of comfort. I really, really wish you were here right now. Yet I'm also thankful because since you're not, I've willed myself to become stronger than ever. This is not the time to crumble and fall apart.

One way to tell if you really love someone? You don't mind getting a call at 3AM, despite the fact that you have been lacking sleep the last couple of weeks.

So in a few hours I'll be off to visit the 'rents, and see my newest niece for the first time. I'm just about to wrap up on the work I needed to finish before leaving, and soon, I will be work-free. At least for a couple of days. No emails, no stress because of the downsizing and restructuring, no worries about what the future holds. I will be with the people whom I know will take me back, should I need to go back.

That's it for now. I'm going with a lot of loving with me along. See you all in a few :)

I'm trying to finish my monthly report while listening to the TV blasting in the other room. The news as usual, is as gloomy as our own Doomsday letter a couple of weeks ago. OFW's trying to flee Lebanon (and I have peers who are still continuing to work in Israel at this time, God bless them), GMA's futuristic SONA (yes we can dream, but the SONA is not a political campaign, err, speech, howell), Typhoon Glenda claiming lives and causing floods all over town (so what's new) and a little girl who died after being maltreated by her teacher (WTF!).

My day at work was painful, I switched to beyotch mode starting noontime. I don't get people who continue to slack inspite of what's happening. I issued an early reminder (1.5 weeks early) about the report deadlines, and 1 day after deadline, no report, and they have the gall to raise an issue?! Blah blah. Then there are people who keep on responding back to email until the chain is as long as the line to our COE window. Naman. If you don't get it, CALL! And these issue owners, do I really need to have a checkpoint with you every.single.day??!! There was another delay from your counterparts, and still, YOU WAITED UNTIL I ASKED before you let me know what's going on? Talk about biatching. Really, this is so unacceptable. Ok. So they say they wanna be "identified" to get tsugi'd (as Giz popularized). How selfish can that be? You stop doing your jobs, and make the people around you suffer, not to mention, even make us sink deeper into this mess we're already in. Hay naku. This is so messing with my aura.

(In the background, the Tide commercial is playing. "Tide is merakol".)

Ang mga eksenang ganito ang gusto kung buhusan ng Tide, labhan, and hope that it does it's acclaimed "merakol".

Eksena #1: Arroyo in her SONA, saying access to (war-infested) islands in the Philippines gave them more opportunities. “Nagbukas ang Jollibee in Basilan". Errr. Hokay.

Eksena #2: Ang mga ka-opisina kong ala Pong Pagong pa rin ang drama sa buhay (see rant above). Mga sampung sachet ng tide para sa inyo!

Eksena #3: Ang makulit kong amo na tila di kumpleto ang araw kung di nya mailabas ang kanyang signature sarcasm (come to think of it, sa kanya ko nga ata nakuha ang estilo na yan). Sige, kalahating tide na lang sayo. You're really not that bad, but, well, naiirita pa rin ako.

Eksena #4: Ang isang alipores na nakapaligid kay amo, na pilit umi-eksena, para lang may masabi. Hello. All I can say is, you had a job to do, and you didn't do it. Now you're trying to diffuse the issue. Hay. I don't wanna play that game. Eto na lang, magpalit ka na lang kaya muna ng wardrobe. Ditch sa 70's Dance fever look (standing collars, ewww). And what's with the see thru shirts?? The shoes (and mismatched socks). Man. Don't even let me go there. Labhan na yang mga damit na yan, hanggang mag disappear na sa face of the earth.

The only thing I loved about today, is that classes were suspended. (Ok, not really role modelling here). I needed a break. Get away from it all, retreat here in my sanctuary, and block out the ugly details of this Monday. If only Tide can actually erase them. Howell, I'll just replace them with happy thoughts. (I had a good ride with the usual biking dudes and dudettes last weekend. I'll just let the pix do the talking for now).

______________________

Off-road trail from Portofino in Daang-hari. Still hydrated here. (My 2L pack was gone after going through the single file trail amidst the talahiban :))

Like the fork in our lives: Do we keep moving? Or head back?

Last minute attempt to save my skin from getting sunburnt (my legs were not spared though. Tan lines on my thighs. Ugliness. Hahaha)

Checking out the muddy trail ahead :) And yeah, we did it. Till next trail :)

I started writing this entry two nights ago. I was irked by a trivial situation which was/is, I would say, so Dawson's Creek. But a senior manager warned about the dangers of distraction in these difficult times. I would rather really focus on my interim and long-term plans in preparation for the corporate "holocaust" ahead. So I just have quick message on this. Dear Pacey, Joey and Dawson, if you really value friendship, look beyond the self-centered drama. Just hoping that whatever you decide to do, assess whether those decisions will really only affect you. If you don't look close enough, chances are, you will have some other friends who will be caught in between. And yeah, friends do break up. But is this really the way you want your friends to go?

Moving on, one of my friends who is a young entrepreneur/extreme sports enthusiasts once told me that as long as we are employed, there is no such thing as job security. Yes, to a certain extent, we hold the future of our company in our hands, and if business is doing good, we will enjoy some sense of security. But the truth is, business will always have its highs and lows, some lows almost down in the pits. And when that happens, there are higher beings who can and will make harsh decisions that will lead to loss of jobs, salary cuts or close downs. Whether we work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and devote all our life to our jobs, is not the issue here. It is all about whether the company is still making money. Sad to say, at the end of the day, no one is spared. Kings/queens, pawns and in-betweens, we will be reduced to a mere statistic.

So what now? Do I run, hide or fight? Well, it's really up to us. We can run and jump into the next best thing that life has to offer, still going with the flow. We can hide and pretend we are indispensable. Or we can fight.

Fight by keeping ourselves employable, keeping our skills current. Fight by not putting our eggs in one basket. Fight by even doing a better job than we already are, keeping in mind that this may or may not help change our fate in the next few waves, but at least we know we have kept our integrity through it all. Fight by acknowledging that change happens, and be ready to change with change. Fight by being creative and continuing to explore other options. Fight by living our lives fully and without fear. Fight by staying close to our families and our friends, and to our colleagues who have, in one way or another, influenced our lives, and contributed to our growth as individuals and professionals. Fight by keeping your faith and praying for guidance when things seem hopeless. Fight by being sensitive to the emotions going through around you, and fight by resisting the urge to be arrogant amidst the worries, fear and uncertainty.

No one is spared. So fight. Fight, by always keeping that in mind, and fight, by doing something to change your fate.

It's been awhile since I wrote my last Dear R post. I almost did. But I stopped myself.

Sometimes, your feelings are best expressed to the concerned. Sometimes, your words are more meaningful because they are whispered to the ears of the one they are meant for. I hope one day I can finally say them out loud. Instead of writing them in this vast space of nothingness. Instead of acting unhappy everytime he cheerfully greets me on the other end of the line. In the meantime, I can only pray that he'll see through that facade.

***
This leadership course is turning out to be a therapy session of sorts. Looking at my patterns, revisiting the events of my life, has lead me to a simple truth - I'm just really screwed up. Not in an I-wanna-jump-off-the-bridge kind of way (but if it's jumping into the river before white water rafting, that's another thing altogether). But in an I've-been-self-sabotaging-my-life kind of way.

I hope I don't scare you off. I tend to surprise people when I show some vulnerability. Baby, do you remember the first time I cried to you? You stood there, looking shocked, speechless and helpless. Then you finally told me - you didn't expect to ever see me shed tears? The sad part is, you were not the only one who reacted the same way.

Even tough girls cry. Sometimes, it just feels good to succumb to your weakness and helplessness. Maybe that's what catharsis is all about.

***
I say goodnight with this song:

Child of the wilderness
Born into emptiness
Learn to be lonely
Learn to find your way in darkness
Who will be there for you,
comfort and care for you?
Learn to be lonely
Learn to be your one companion
Never dream out in the world
There are arms to hold you
You've always known
Your heart was on its own
So laugh in your loneliness
Child of the wilderness
Learn to be lonely
Learn how to love life that is lived alone
Learn to be lonely
life can be lived
life can be loved
Alone.

* From the Phantom of the Opera (Learn to be Lonely)

* FNTP = Friday Night Tea Party.

Less drama this time. Basically, we talked business. But the afterthought came after that FNTP, when I texted Ali after I arrived home. Somehow, we continued on our discussion, and at the end of it, we talked about our dreams. Unfortunately, neither of us really know what our dreams are anymore. I myself have been in the rut for so long now. And Ali said, she felt lost. I know the feeling too well.

And yet, if there is one thing I learned from my entrep class, it is to never lose hope and start acting on that dream. It will take a little soul-searching, some creativity, and tons of guts. We just need to remember that dreams really don't go away. They may be well-hidden and supressed as soon as we went into auto-pilot mode (tricked by the "steady" paycheck and whatever perks), but they are still there. And just to add, the Friday office letter just reinforced that there is really no such thing as a "steady" paycheck, no matter how high up you are in the corporate ladder. Some people learn that the hard way. We are lucky we are well-aware of our options.

I started reading an ebook I downloaded from an sme newsletter site. I haven't finished reading, but these words just hit right smack to the core.

"I know it's hard to try new things, especially if you're in a comfortable situation or even in an uncomfortable situation that's annoying but isn't bad enough to leave. It's just too much of a hassle to try something different. I know. The rut is deep.

But if you really want to do something different, you're going to have to do something different than you've been doing..."

As Einstein once said, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expect a different result.

We can't be without dreams, and insane. Sobrang loser na 'yan! Hehehe.

So, let's just go find our dreams and cash in on them while we're at it ;)

____
btw, Ali, someone else beat us to our idea :) Howell. Sa kanya ang Makati, sa atin na lang ang Cavite. Hahaha.

I spent the whole day trying to find the answer to the questions in my mind. Where do I wanna go from here? What makes me happy? Will I ever get out of this cycle? Who am I, really?

You now. The usual questions that occupies your mind. (Instead of the more profound - what should I wear to work today? What should I eat for lunch? How many grams of carbo is low enough? What time is it? So on... hahaha)

Then lo and behold, I came across this:

Lake Lugu is the home of the Mosuo tribe, a matriarchal and matrilineal society, in a valley on the border of China's Yunnan and Sichuan provinces... But what makes the Mosuo truly unique is one particularly juicy facet of their familial relationships, their practice of zuo hun, or "walking marriage." The Mosuo do not marry - rather, a woman chooses her lovers from among the men of the tribe, taking as many as she pleases over the course of her life. In Mosuo culture, having children with different men bears no social stigma.

I read the rest of the article. Then I was left with only one question.

How long does it take before I become a naturalized Mosou tribe member?

Harhar.

This finding yourself deal? Not easy. Time has already caught up with me. Literally. But it's never too late. I'll hold on to this one, this time.

The key to moving forward, is never forgetting the lessons of the past. I'm much wiser and braver now. I think.

I can do this. I will do this.

The amygdala is the memory center of our brain. I could post a picture but I'm too tired to do it. This is what I learned in class today, that the amygdala is responsible for all our reactive behaviours or patterns or programs. It is the repository which contains all the memories we have. So when we have an (emotional) trigger, we REACT according to what the amygdala has stored. So there is no thinking involved. It's like an impulse. And that's what's called an amygdala hijack.

That's also probably what happened to the great Zizou in the last game of his career. While I flippantly told Jay that he went down in style, (ok, that's really like the girl in me who loves bad boys talking there, harhar), it was sad to see him "fall from grace", as many people worldwide now calls the headbutting incident. That's what an amygdala hijack does - it makes matters worsen or escalate. In what could have been a glorious exit for a great athlete revered by many, that single impulsive response is now a cause of shame and disappointment. I can only wish that he can live this down somehow. His greatness may have been tainted, but that doesn't make him a failure. It just makes him human.

So why am I talking about this? Well, this whole journey to the past is even making more sense now. The way I respond to crisis, how I deal with relationships (both personal and professional), even to my passive aggression towards unwelcome people/situations...

Case #1 - In an effort to help heal myself, I convinced myself that I have forgiven the person who emotionally abused me for several months. In fact, I have even forgotten all the details (and only remembered how bad it really all was when I was browing through my archives, after the Friday night tea party revelations). It has been years, after all. But a few days ago, that Ex made an appearance in YM, and casually told me that he missed me. That totally enraged me, and I just lashed at him. Amygdala hijack. (Needless to say, that totally ruined my day, or as Cofibean would say, messed with my aura)

So tonight, I learned that we are capable of controlling this hijack. Thanks to the prefrontal node (intellect), which enables us to process our feelings, before RESPONDING to the stimulus or trigger.

Reaction vs. Response.

Admittedly, this is a lot of hardwork. It is difficult to unlearn what you have accumulated in all 32 years of your life. But that is also why it's called a journey. We constantly learn and unlearn until we get it right.

Even lasting 10 years in this job is a result of an amydala hijack. Years of achievement has programmed me to fear failure. Which ironically, has detrimented me from obtaining the real success that only comes from doing what my heart really wants.

We stay in our comfort zones because we already know the formula for longevity or survival or even a certain amount of success.

But if we really want to be happy, it sometimes means letting go of the things we know for sure.

Party of three, that is :)

Somehow, Ali, Allan and myself ended up sharing personal details of our lives up to 1AM last night. I've been trying to find the right time to tell them, not only because it's been a while since I allowed myself to trust them, but also because knowing about that chapter of my life puts my life now into perspective. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

We arrived at the mall around 6, and my first thought was : Dragon Havaianas. They also had it in black, but most of the sizes were big, aside from a size 35-36, which actually fits my feet about right. But I usually wear a size 37-38, I just like my flip-flops longer. But I knew that this style is on limited stock across the metro, so I decided to grab the pair. Yipey :)

Dinner was up next and for the first time in 12 days, I allowed myself to eat rice again. Just a little reward for not caving in whenever cravings attack. And so it's back to swearing off rice again, until I get my entertainer bod (hahaha, just a little private joke here) and I can finally join R in the cruise ship ;)

After doing some window shopping, we checked F&H and I bought this nice brown skirt for P300. Not a bad deal. But bad since I've been turning to retail therapy since I swore off rice. Doesn't seem like a fair exchange. 2 new flip-flops, 3 pairs of shoes and 1 skirt. There goes the fork budget. Hahaha.

Final stop for the night was at Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. It's been a while since I've had my favorite tea latte : Morrocan Mint. Guilty pleasure to the max. Oh well, with all our sore muscles, I think we deserved that break.

After Van left (around quarter before 9), the three of us started ranting about work. I guess one of the things common about us was that we (used) to have so much passion for what we did, giving it all we've got, and somehow, the dedication and loyalty didn't always pay off (monetarily or otherwise). As we each threw in bits and pieces of our different experiences and views, I also started looking back at my life in parallel. And I realized why I was so hesistant to go through the exercise our prof asked during our MBA class last week. He asked us to think about a turning point in our lives, and how it changed its course. Furthermore, he asked us to share the details of our autobiography to two other classmates. Now, in spite of appearances, I tend to be very aloof in a room full of strangers. I would never be the first one to say hello, and am not the type who would try to engage in small talk. So imagine how hard it was for me to actually share personal details of my life to people I only see 1x/ww, and it was only the 2nd session so far. Not only that, as I was struggling to think about that TURNING POINT, I just didn't have an answer.

Back to our tea party, as the night went deeper, the details we shared became even more personal. Just as an aside, and I've always said that Ali is a tough cookie, in ways that I'm not. She was able to stand up on her own when life threw her a curve ball at a young age, and that really quite admirable. She said that one of the things she was always afraid of was to settle. And I guess that was another thing that we all shared - we're all achievers who vowed to never settle for mediocrity. In the end, we know we can do much better than this, and all we need to do is take that leap of faith.

I'm not sure how it happened, but I started to recount that painful episode in my life. It's been a while since I've talked about that in great detail. Admittedly, I was trying my best to hold back the tears. Going back to those dark times make me relive the pain and the isolation of dealing with it on my own.

Little did I know that this tea session would make me look back at the last 10 years of my career and my personal life in another light. What stared back at me was the person I swore I will never become. The settler. To an outsider's eye, that is probably not what he sees. After all, I have enjoyed some level of success. But the real test to determine whether one has settled or not is to ask the ultimate question.

ARE YOU HAPPY?

Even as an elementary student, I had started to program myself to be self-sufficient and independent, cutting off ties with people who made me feel weak (aka emotional) or vulnerable. If I got hurt, then, so long. The pattern prof wanted us to determine.

No matter what hand was dealt to me, I remained unfazed to a point that it was almost mechanical (autopilot) rather than a calculated response. I didn't allow my own disappointments to bog me down, or at least that was what I was trying to project. On those dark times (ever wonder why there was a discontinuity in this blog?), I continued on like I wasn't hurt in the battle. I had deliverables to meet, a team to lead, a product to start-up. I battled with the personal demons without so much a holler to anyone else, because I have always disliked inconveniencing people. And with what I thought was strength, I was back on my feet, not even allowing myself enough time to grieve.

In hindsight, my pride and ego has been my driving force all along. Not strength. So I settled instead of getting out of my comfort zone with the danger of failure looming. I detach myself from a lot of people so they will not see my weakness. I would never allow my SO's to know how much I really cared, my actions not reflecting what my heart felt. Self-preservation over the chance of long-term happiness.

So prof was right. These patterns, your programs, they are in everything that you do. And as I told Ali at the end of the night, I finally know when the turning point is.

What started out as a night to have tea with friends, became a journey of self-realization.

(Thank you, Ali and Allan :))

First off, Manny Pacquiao wins his much-awaited fight against Oscar Larios. Yey, Pacman. I watched the game on TV but I still don't get boxing. Violence is not my thing. But hey, they're both great athletes, Larios even thanked the Filipinos even with his face all bruised and bloodied. So kudos to them!! :)

But while Filipinos are celebrating Pacman's victory, Brazil is mourning it's untimely exit from the World Cup after losing to France in the quarter-finals. I will miss you, Kaka :( England also lost to Portugal and Beckham has stepped down as team captain. Argentina has already long bowed out, so none of the teams I rooted for made it. It's now an all-European line-up in the semis. Howell. Maybe I will root for France. Zidane, even at 34, is definitely a man to reckon with.

***
Found this in another blog.

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love". ~ Neil Gaiman

Every day, we are all trying to make sense of love. I think we'd all be happier if we all stop with this love nonsense. Hahaha.

We all know I don't mean that, of course.