It's ironic that just when I didn't announce any hiatus, I ended up not blogging for a much longer period than any of my so-called blog-breaks :)
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Nothing much to blog about lately. So busy with my project. Current love relationship still going downhill. Life kinda sucks a little nowadays. But it's all still good. No amount of battery can keep me from standing back up again. I just hope I'll feel determined like this always.
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Spent the memorial weekend in Salt Lake City, Utah.. Just did some sightseeing in the downtown and well, shopping of course... A girl's weekend is never complete without shopping. The fact that the same stores can be found in Oregon, without sales tax at that, could not stop me. :p
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Other than that, I've been watching season finale's here and there.. I was watching (a delayed episode of) Bituin the other day, and even that is looking like a very dragging season finale. What is up with Nora wearing robes on her wedding? The priest could not even wait for her to change her clothes? Hehe.. Pati daw ba yun, pinatulan ko pa.. Must be stress.. :)

LONG WEEK
It's been a long week. And work, despite taking up most of my hours now, is actually giving me the much needed distraction from all my worries right now. And yeah, my last post just really came out from a painful well of emotions. No, I don't believe love is nothing but a sham. I will not let bad relationships make me forget about the real love my friends and loved ones have been giving me unconditionally and consistently.

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Lately, it's been so hard to put my feelings and thoughts into words.. Some of them are too painful that I'd rather really start forgetting about them... as soon as possible.

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46 days to go and I'll be back home. Home. Just thinking about it gives me so much comfort. Too bad the weather is just getting nice here. Pero I'd rather take humidity and intense heat over this. I miss my family sooooooooooo much...

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Strange how now, just when I'm wrapping up my project, I'm beginning to enjoy all the geekiness that is my job. I'm now actually enjoying "casual" hallway conversations involving GTL buffers, CMOS transistors, open-drain circuits or power supplies. Yup, here, you'll never have to talk about the weather when caught with an acquaintance. :)

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Weekend offs now over. Back to the grind. Work awaits tonight. And it does not seem so bad anymore. I don't miss partying as much.. Oi, the workaholic me is also back... Yup, things are the way they're supposed to be....

IT'S A CRUEL WORLD
You'd think by now I would already know that. But for the longest time, I refused to let go of that idealism that this four-letter word indeed exists. L-O-V-E. But the one moment when I listened to my heart closely, if not completely, and actually believed what it said, it failed me. Big time. All that paranoia, was actually intuition I just refused to acknowledge.

Everything I had with him was all just one big fat lie.

But I am thankful. Because I've finally learned the most important lesson of all. Love is nothing but a sham. That, plus I am a fool, for falling for one of the greatest and painful tricks ever pulled on me.

WALKING ON EGGSHELLS??!
Are you in a relationship with a person with BPD?

- Do you find yourself concealing what you really think or feel because you're afraid of the other person's reaction, and it just doesn't seem worth the horrible fight or hurt feelings that will surely follow? Has this become so automatic that you have a hard time even identifying what you think or feel?
- Feeling like you're walking on eggshells much of the time, and that no matter what you say or do, it will be twisted and used against you.
- Being the focus of intense, even violent rages that make no logical sense, alternating with periods when the other person acts perfectly normal and loving.
- Feeling like you're being manipulated, controlled or even lied to sometimes.
- Feeling like the person you care about sees you as either all good or all bad, with nothing in between. Wishing that the person would act like they used to, when they seemed to love you and think you were perfect and everything was wonderful.
- Feeling like the other person is like "Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde": one moment a loving, caring person; another moment someone who seems so vicious you barely recognize them. Wondering which one is "real." Hoping that it's a phase that will go away -- but it doesn't.
- Feeling like you're on an emotional roller coaster with high highs (things are incredible, fantastic) and very low lows (feeling of despair, depression, grief for the relationship you thought you had).
- Being afraid to ask for things in the relationship because you will be told you're too demanding or there is something wrong with you.
- Feeling helpless and trapped.
- Being accused of doing things you never did and saying things you never said. Feeling misunderstood a great deal of the time, and when you try to explain, the other person doesn't believe you.
- Having a hard time planning anything (social engagement, etc.) because of the other person's moodiness, impulsiveness or unpredictability. Sometimes, even making excuses for their behavior to other people -- or trying to convince yourself that this is normal behavior.
- Reading the above list and thinking "Oh my God, I had no idea that other people were going through the same thing and that there is a name for this: Borderline Personality Disorder."

PLEASE. GOD. NO.............

My dedma powers are flaking on me. Nainis na naman ako kay MB kanina. TLB had to remind me "love is patient". I know. I am trying so hard. But I guess when you're PMSing and your work has become an endless stream of issues, trying to stay patient becomes as hard and painful as having your impacted wisdom teeth extracted while the anaesthetic just barely kicked in.

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Who would have thought that the former love of my life/greatest heartache would become an angel/great friend and disprove the notion that ex-lovers can't be friends? It didn't happen overnight though. After TLB and I broke up and said the obligatory "let's be friends", we did still hang out regularly, but that was mostly out of habit. As soon as we started seeing other people, we just naturally drifted apart though we kept in touch, mostly out of courtesy. But perhaps you never lose that chemistry or spark that once brought you together. Because after almost a couple of years of engaging in a half-hearted exercise of saying empty hello's and asking "what are you up to" without really caring about the answer, we just suddenly found ourselves in this comfortable place called friendship. The usual pleasantries were now replaced with a sincere desire to be there for each other when need be. And in times like this, he morphs into a guardian angel. I may not see him, but he let's me know he's always there.

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"Don't ever think that you are going through this path alone...". Thanks again, M. It always feels good to be reminded of that. It feels even better, knowing that you mean it.

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Happiness is when your family goes into full battle mode, at the first sign of danger. Happiness is when they retreat when you ask them to, because you want to fight the battle alone. Happiness is knowing they are just behind you, ready to back you up, if the need arises. Happiness is knowing they will never leave you, no matter what.

HAPPINESS




I'm suddenly feeling sunshiny and cheery (like Yellow, my Funshine bear) after finally moving forward on this problem I've been debugging for more than a month. Happiness is finding out you're not the culprit after all, that you are not as dumb as you were beginning to think you were. Happiness is finally being able to move to phase 2 of your design of experiment. Yeah, I'm talking about a work problem this time around (Potah, geek!! hehe). Not a relationship problem (still, dedma). :)

I'm definitely still glowing after the morning debug session, so here I am, ready to spread some cheer. (I'm singing in my head right now. Please. Feel free to join me :p)

HAPPINESS
"You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown"

Happiness is finding a pencil.
Sleeping in moon light.
Telling the time.
Happiness is learning to whistle.
Tying your shoe
For the very first time.
Happiness is playing the drum
In your own school band.
And happiness is walking hand in hand.

Happiness is two kinds of ice cream.
Knowing a secret.
Climbing a tree.
Happiness is five different crayons.
Catching a firefly.
Setting him free.
And happiness is being alone every now and then.
And happiness is coming home again.

Happiness is morning and evening,
Daytime and nighttime too.
For happiness is anyone and anything at all
That's loved by you.

Happiness is having a sister.
Sharing a sandwich.
Getting along.
Happiness is singing together
When day is through,
And happiness is those who sing with you.

METALLICA ROCKS




Ok. So I've never been a metal head. I don't claim to be an avid fan. I remember the first time I heard Metallica's music. This kid from our village went excitedly to our house and asked me to listen to his tape. The moment he played it, I was like - ok, that's music? Ah. But what did I know then? I was, after all, a Catholic schoolgirl back when. Fast forward many years later. A friend who is a total Metallica dude, reintroduced me to this band which I had dismissed a while back. Galeng!!! Of course, if I had known then what I know now, I would have totally wanted to become a rockstar. I don't think mom would have liked that.

I was watching MTV Icon the other night while my manager was in the other room. One word - energy. Wonder what would have been my manager's reaction if I had given in to the urge to just rock it all out right there. Doesn't sound too promising for my review. Hehe.

I'm totally adding watching a live Metallica concert to my to-do-before-I-die list. Really. :)

THE POWER OF DEDMA
For the last three weeks or so, I've been stressing, crying, losing sleep. I pleaded, put up with his outbursts and then I threatened at one point. I kept wondering why he didn't seem to miss me as much as I missed him. It was bad enough that we were physically apart. Emotionally, we were slipping away from each other. Fast.

And today he said "Naiinis ka na ba sa akin? Don't worry, baby, a few more days..". Then it hit me. I no longer care. I've stopped caring the last few days. I've finally grown weary of trying to reach out and understand what was going on. I just.. moved on.

I still don't know if all the wounds can still be healed. Whether his coming back will change a thing. Or whether all the good times we had will be enough to make me want to forget the nightmare I had finally shaken out of my system.

I'm taking it one day at a time. And today, I say, dedma.

That was some Alias finale. Pero grabe, kakainis. Because I might not be back here in time for the next season. Grrr... :p

NAME THAT TUNE
1. Name one song you hate to admit you like.
This song by Aegis.. forgot the title na.. Luha? Some classmates of mine performed this in one of our MBA events and the rendition was really hilarious.. So everytime we'd go to videoke bars, we'd look for this song :D

2. Name two songs that always make you cry.
Pasko Na Sinta Ko - too many Christmases spent away from home
Take Me Out of the Dark - "I don't want to be alone..."

3. Name three songs that turn you on.
Sexual Healing - "Honey I know you'll be there to relieve me, The love you give to me will free me..."
Crash Into Me - "And I come into you, Hike up your skirt a little more and show the world to me..."
Underneath It All - "I've seen right through and underneath, And you make me better, better..."

4. Name four songs that always make you feel good.
Power of Two - "Baby I'm here to stop your crying, chase all the ghosts from your head..."
Three Little Birds - " Don't worry about a thing, 'Cause every little thing gonna be all right..."
Heaven - "Baby you're all that I want, when you're lying here in my arms..."
Friends - "And friends are friends forever, If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say "never", 'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go, In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long to live as friends..."

5. Name five songs you couldn't ever do without.
Gawd, dami.. depends on my mood eh.. Mostly Bob Marley songs..

questions from Friday Five

ABYSS
I realized that something extraordinary was happening. I was holding him in my arms like a little child, yet it seemed to me that he was dropping headlong into an abyss, and I could do nothing to hold him back. - The Little Prince

I'm falling into this dark place. I wish this is all just a nightmare. At least when I wake up, it stops. But this is reality. This is what I have chosen. I just feel so lost and alone right now. I don't know how to make it better.

Actually, I wish I'd meet a snake who can solve all the riddles and tell me "I can help you someday, if you grow too homesick for your planet.."

KAILANGAN KITA
by Gary Valenciano

** Been hearing this song in Bituin. I particularly like the duet version between that guy playing Josh and Carol Banawa. Luuv it.. Another song added to the, ern, wedding repertoire to be.. :P


Sa piling mo lang, nadarama ang tunay na pagsinta
Pag yakap kita ng mahigpit parang ako’y nasa langit

Minsan lang ako nakadama ng ganito
Pag-ibig na wagas at sadyang totoo
Nananabik itong aking puso

Chorus:
Kailangan kita, ngayon at kailanman
Kailangan mong malaman na ikaw lamang
Ang tunay kong minamahal
At tangi kong hiling ay makapiling ka lagi

Minsan lang ako nakadama ng ganito
Pagmamahal na hindi magbabago
At habang buhay na ipaglalaban ko

Kailangan kita, ngayon at kailanman
Kailangan mong malaman na ikaw lamang
Ang tunay kong minamahal
Ang lagi kong dinarasal

Kailangan kita, ngayon at kailanman
Kailangan mong malaman na ikaw lamang
Ang tunay kong minamahal
At tangi kong hiling ay makapiling ka lagi

Kailangan kita, ngayon at
kailanman

FESTERED
May basis nga ata talaga high score ko for violence (quiz below) ah.. I have this urge to kick/punch something.. Someone?

Sana PMS'ing lang ako. (Gawd, never thought I'd ever wish that. But heck, better than thinking I just have this mean streak hidden inside me somewhere..)..

Time to take another deep breath.

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"I know moments like this. One path is the harsh reality. And one path is the comfortably numb. But guess what, in the morning, when you're all sobered up, the problems are still gonna be there. Only now it will be this big festering wound and you'll just be the jerk who sat back and let it grow worse..." - Dawson's Creek

EGAD!
Putek. I totally blew my top at work today. This really whiny wife of my engineer sent an "escalation" email with inaccurate statements. Anak ng.. After all the headache I went through just to figure out how to help them. F**k.

Gawd. Guess I'm still fuming.

When it rains, it pours. Everything's gone haywire. Work. Relationships.

Haay.. I'm going to take a deep breath now.

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Thank goodness for Friends. At least napatawa naman ako.

(Joey asking advise from Ross since he's dating this uber babe/intelligent professor)

Ross: You should take her to the Met.
Joey: The Mets ....
Ross: No, no, no. The Met. The Metropolitan Museum of Art.
Joey: Oh, so that's what she meant. You know, if they're gonna shorten it, they should call it the Muse. You know, short for museum and avoid all the confusion.
Ross: Yeah. Most days this place is packed with confused and angry baseball fans.

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Thank goodness for actual friends, too -- who makes my day, for the little things that they do, like say, make me kwento about their "feminine side" or make plans na for my welcome-home party (asus, hanap lang excuse to gimik eh.. hehe), which is still about a couple of months away... You all know who you are.. :)

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED - #2
Words of wisdom, from err, dear Joe :p

"Jealousy, to a certain extent, keeps a relationship on its feet. But, when it goes beyond reason and sensibility, it does more harm than good. Unwarranted suspicion puts a lot of pressure in the relationships that we want to preserve in the first place. "

"Real happiness should come from within us. It starts with self-appreciation which brings out confidence that battles against feats of unnecessary jealousy. Insecurity just breeds contempt. "

YIKES!
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
You have come to a place mute of all light, where the wind bellows as the sea does in a tempest. This is the realm where the lustful spend eternity. Here, sinners are blown around endlessly by the unforgiving winds of unquenchable desire as punishment for their transgressions. The infernal hurricane that never rests hurtles the spirits onward in its rapine, whirling them round, and smiting, it molests them. You have betrayed reason at the behest of your appetite for pleasure, and so here you are doomed to remain. Cleopatra and Helen of Troy are two that share in your fate.

Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

AND IT DAWNED ON ME
I love him for the man he wants to be, and I love him for the man that he almost is. - Jerry McGuire

So help me God.

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED - #1
Do not choose a partner who can make you laugh. Because laughter can be drawn so easily. You can laugh just by looking at Nora Aunor's hairdo in Bituin. You can laugh at a joke your geeky officemate made. You laugh when you suddenly realize that the guy you have been flirting with for half an hour was actually making a pass at the girl behind you. You laugh while watching sitcoms or even when you're watching Days of our Lives (aren't their lives just so.. hilarious?). You don't need your boyfriend to make you laugh your heart out. It's fine if he can, but it's better if he can make you smile. Because a smile is harder to come by. We smile because of an act of kindness. We smile when our partner does something sweet out of the blue. We smile because someone reminded us how special we are. We smile when someone let's us know that no matter what, he is always there to listen. We smile when somebody gives us a hug when we most need it. We smile at a child's innocence. We smile at simple joys.

Choose someone who can make you smile.