HARD TO SAY GOODBYE
I don't know what it is about goodbyes. It is simply to hard to say it. So to my dearest friend, Nic, see you around! :)

******

As for me, all I can say is, the last few days spent with MB has been really happy. I gained a lot of perspective. I saw a lot of things that I didn't see before because of my anger. And I feel that it's not yet time to say goodbye. I believe that there's still hope for us. Everything just fell into place.

But nothing is certain yet. I will not be too hasty in making decisions this time. The last one I made didn't turn out so well. And that's an understatement.

LIFE ON THE FAST LANE
Whenever I take a pause from my so-called life, it always amazes me when I realize how time flies indeed. My day usually starts @ 4AM when I wake up, and ends, uhm, whenever.. no limits.. I spend most of my waking hours at work, unendingly firefighting issues, trying to keep the morale of my team up as we are flooded with challenges every day. Today, I decided to take them on a mini-break.. Which just meant taking a 2-hr lunch outside of the office... But it did us some good. I hope. And we succeeded to stay away from any work-related discussions. In fact, we mostly talked about the recent developments of our former First Daughter's lovelife fiasco, which apparently got a huge amount of airtime in the news last night. And since I'm TV-less at the moment (my barely 2-yr old Panasonic flatscreen failed on me, apparently because I have not used it for a year!), I missed the whole deal. Thankfully. Gawd, what has become of our country that the personal lives of former first daughters and their womanizer lovers gets more coverage than pressing political or economic issues? As if.

But I digress. It's been more than a month since I got home. But majority of my boxes remains unopened. I hardly have time for lunch or to comb my hair. And MB is now here, in the same country as I am... School started this week. And I need to turn in an assignment this Saturday, which requires a 2-chapter reading. Which of course, I have not yet started. Which I intended to do today, but got stuck again with work-related tasks.. So goes my life.

So what is my point? None, really. Except that I badly want to settle down already. And start feeling like I'm indeed finally home.. Instead of just passing through.

Ok. Enough rambling for tonight. Tomorrow I will see MB again. One step backwards. Sigh.

DOING THE TANGO
I keep moving two steps forward. Then turn around completely. Go backwards. I'm doing the tango. All on my own. I want to move on, but I'm also the one holding myself back. The thing is, even if we both decided to end our relationship, I know he also still cares for me. I know he loves me. And I am not just saying that to justify my indecisiveness. I can feel it with the way he still looks at me. We are just both too proud to admit to each other, how much we still both want to hang on to that love...

I am afraid to let go. Because this is truly the first time I've ever felt this intensely for someone. And my heart wants that intensity even if it comes with the promise that the fights are equally as intense. And do I really want that? My heart is telling me I do. It's what I live for. Passion, love. All that intense crap. But my mind tells me otherwise. It tells me that it's time to leave the chaos and pursue more stable things. But stability slows me down.

With MB, I know, things are always gonna be unpredictable. There's always the excitement of not knowing what comes next. And yet, part of me was afraid of that. The part that wanted me to get out of the relationship. The part that is trying so hard to be heard. The part that is slowly losing. Because no matter what I do or say, I've always known that it is him I want to be with.

I don't know what will happen next. All I know is that I do not want to give up on us just yet.

Punyeta. Ang plastic ko. Time to move on daw. But the truth is, my love for him is still stronger than my resolve to let go and move on. I just didn’t want to admit that to anyone, much more to myself...

I saw him again last night. After almost two months of separation. I tried my best not to show how I was really feeling. That it took all my resolve not to cling to him and not let him go. And it took all my strength not to cry because I've been longing for him since the day I left Oregon. I had to wait until I was alone again before I let it all pour out. I still love MB. But I've always admitted that. What I've never admitted is that I am a big liar. The words coming out from my mouth, are so far from the truth that only my heart knows.

And the sad part is, even if I still love him, it will not change a thing. Because he is so far gone now.

I'M BECOMING A PAROKYA GROUPIE :p

Nakakasawa din pala...
Kapag paulit ulit ang buhos ng galit
Parang ayoko na yata
Nakakapagod din pala ang iyong mukha
At kung may balak ka pang ulitin sa akin yun
May ibubulong ako sa iyo.... putangina mo.. - Parang Ayoko Na Yata, Parokya ni Edgar

This song is dedicated to........ hehehehe.. Joke. Sarap minsan magmura eh. But so not going to that level. Ang poise. Kelangan ibalik ang poise.

Pero, I'm really enjoying Parokya's album ha.. Kakatuwa.

Forgot to mention that I'm officially a student again. One subject lang this term because I finally acknowledged that I'm not superwoman. Feeling lang.

Seriously, though, I need to slow down a bit. I think I've achieved my goal of keeping myself too busy to the point of exhaustion and numbness... Forgetting, after all, is an act of will. So no point in trying to kill myself, really. And I'm ready now. To forget.

Time to move on.

Time to live again.

Yey.

ON A LIGHTER NOTE....
I'm sure by now everyone is so sawa na with my ex stories.. Hehe.. So I'm going to bore you with some mundane things na lang...

Last Saturday, I had to send sick notice via text to the folks at work.. Had to do that otherwise they'd bug me no end and I'd never get rest. It worked a bit on Saturday, but Sunday, people called me again during midnight.. Haayyy.. Yan tuloy sick pa rin ako...

I did manage a trip to the spa to get a back spa and massage. That helped a bit pero a full day at the spa would have been so much better. Anyways, I overheard this conversation between a customer and the pedicurist, while I was getting a french pedicure...

Pedicurist: San po ba punta nyo mam? Ako kase taga Southern Mindanao..
Customer: San ba yung Davao? Malapit ba sa Mindanao yun?

NYE!!! :)

EXORCISING DEMONS
Whenever a relationship ends what usually comes after is cleansing. Cleansing of the mind, soul and heart. Now, I am such a creature of habit. And it takes a while before I start letting things go, cleaning out the closet or exorcising the demons. I let the demons linger ever so willingly. But today I have made my first small victory. For the first time I stood up to his rudeness. I have known this all along, but I shouldn't have to put up with that. I was wrong when I said to myself that I will take whatever I can get. Because I thought that I love him and it doesn't matter if he is angry most of the time, or he doesn't seem to appreciate my presence in his life. Now I know, well I guess I've known all along, that life can be so much better than this. It already is.

And speaking of demons, gawd, yesterday was so hellish. I don't mean to whine. But I will. I have been nursing a sore throat for three days, and a fever that couldn't get out because I've been popping Advils like Smint. And yesterday, oh, you gotta love Fridays, it took me almost 4 hours to reach QC from Cavite. And I even took the Skyway na ha. Imagine driving in that condition and drivers and pedestrians all just getting crazy... Argggggggghhhhh!!

Yet, despite of that, I'm still thankful I arrived home relatively unscathed. And that I didn't have to go to work today because of some project schedule changes that allowed us this temporary respite. Because my body is already screaming for rest. My mind is screaming for rest. And my heart, well, it's not screamiing anymore. Because it's getting close to exorcising all the bad things that it had to deal with the past months.

postscript:::
Am listening to Parokya ni Edgar's new album "Bigotilyo".. Very parokya.. So outrageously funny... As in while listening to their music bigla na lang akong natatawa.. Sa office yan ha. Hehe. I don't mind looking too silly. Happy ako eh. Bakit ba? :)

The track I love most is "Ted Hannah". Cute lang.. Kaka-inlove.. :)

Para kang kape, di ka nagpapatulog... at pano kung nasulat na sa notebook ng tadhana.. ang kwento ng pag ibig tungkol sa ating dalawa.. di kaya sayang naman kung hindi natin susundin... ang nais na mangyari ng tadhana para sa atin.. Para akong tanga, di ko man lang naisip.. na ang pangarap ay mananatiling panaginip kung wala akong gawin upang makamtan ka.. paano ka tatama kung di ka tataya? at pano kung may contest na sinet-up ng tadhana.. ang unang papremyo ay makasama ka.. di kaya sayang naman kung di ko man lang susubukan manalo sa pa-raffle ng tadhana? Hayaan bang mapunta ka na lang sa iba? At pano kung hindi ako naakit ng tadhana.. edi sana ay hindi ako ang iyong sinisinta, di kaya sayang naman kung di ko man lang susulitin.. ang alay na babae ng tadhana para sa akin...

SMALL DOSES OF HAPPINESS
Still continuing to meet up with friends I have not seen the past year I was away. Saturday I was in Greenbelt 3, hanging out with a couple of high school friends. Over coffee and La Pinay, we discussed about saving up for condo units in 2004, international scholarships, and medical practices. But no matter how grown up we all felt, when it comes to love and relationships, not a single one of us could really quite figure it out. And still at the end of the night, our questions mirror each others'... Will we ever meet that one person we will spend the rest of our lives with? Or is that an age-old myth? We're beginning to think we might be afflicted with the Sex and the City syndrome. Hehe.

Today I had lunch with my first ever MBA group mates. We met in Financial Accounting and we have stayed good friends even as each one of us went our own ways. Coffee and friends, I think, is the best combination ever. When you most need picking up, the combo just never fails. I just feel so blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful people. Grabe. I am overwhelmed with such joy and comfort.

"I'm singing in the rain...." And I'll never fail to smile everytime I hear that song again.... :)

DEAD AS A LOG
I didn't realize how tired I was until I reached home and I just slumped to my bed. This week has been so hectic. So many issues. And yesterday my new Malaysian manager asked me what was keeping me up at night. And I told him, I could never seem to be able to leave work in the office, no matter how late I go home. And he told me to not let this go on for too long because he needed an alert leader at work. If I didn't have enough sleep, then I would not be effective at work during the day. He is right, of course, but I only have one body. And yes, it is almost failing me. I didn't know it until last night, when I didn't even have the energy to change into my PJ's. And I woke up at 7AM still in my work clothes. Ewwwwwwwwwwww!

And next week, it's enrollment time. Pretty soon, I'll be back to school. Arggh! But it's just something I have to do. Part of my 5-year career plan.

So here goes career-girl Barbie again. Ok, maybe not Barbie (hehe, mahiya daw ako!). But it's time I give my heart a break. Time to give passion a rest, and reason to thrive.

Just for a while. My heart is not that beaten to love again someday. In fact, I can hear it flutter faintly already.... ;)

BLUR
The last few days passed by so quickly. It seemed like a series of frantic events of catch-up-with-friends-and-family, catch-up-on-work and mini vacations in between. I have not seen all my friends yet. And work, is still, well, same old same old. You can never truly catch up. There will always be new things on your plate.

But I loved my mini vacations. One day of quality time with my younger sis whom I have not seen for two years. Three days spent in Bicol, to check out MB's hometown, upon his invitation. His family was great and I had fun just hanging out by the beach, or playing with the kids in the house. It was like getting to know him a little bit more, oddly, now that we're broken up. We are struggling to be friends. But I think it's just all too fresh. He never can seem to stop himself from injecting bitterness into our casual conversations. And I never seem to be able to stop myself from getting affected. Maybe someday, when all the wounds have healed, we will be able to talk to each other without heaviness in our hearts. Now I'm content to know that he will be spending time with his family soon, specially his kids. I know he misses them so bad. And I wish him nothing but hapinesss. And the same love that I hope I will find as well. Someday.

Then I went home to Cebu. Talked with old friends. And though I didn't get to check out the beach, the conversations over coffee were much more wonderful.

Me : Grabe, sometimes he texts me just to pick up a fight. I don't wanna text back nga eh. Sayang 10 pesos.
Friend : Buti pa 10 pesos nasasayangan ka. Sa iyong sarili, hindi....

**********
Me : Sometimes I feel so broken and damaged. What if no one will accept me after what I've been through?
Friend : Not all people are as close-minded as that. Do not be afraid. Maraming nagmamahal sa yo.

**********
Friend : What is important is that you came out of this a better person. Parang diamond :)

It's just a wonderful feeling to be in somewhere familiar. To be with familiar people.

And I finally got that hug.