NO LONGER SAD
More like numb really. Thankfully, though, it has nothing to do with the sheer impossibility called E this time. Or my seeming misfortune in most often falling for, well, unavailable men (emotional idiots or otherwise).

I wake up each day, work till midnight, go home, sleep, then wake up again. And so goes my life. My ability to smile has exponentially diminished. I wouldn't be blogging right now except that I'm nearing insanity and I just need to vent. Just when I get my stuff to work, something else breaks and it's never ending debugging. Endless. Fuck.

I'm tired. But that's better than being sad, I guess. Plus there's no point being sad about impossible things. I know that. Only somehow my heart doesn't seem to understand that. It keeps on hoping. Like it's hanging on to some promise that he'll be back in a couple of weeks.

Sieggy told me "Do you know what love is? Love is dreaming of somebody and wishing you won't wake up." Yeah.

DAMN COLD NIGHT
I'm With You
-Avril Lavigne

I'm standin' on the bridge
I'm waitin' in the dark,
I thought that you'd be here, by now.
Theres nothing but the rain,
no footsteps on the ground,
Im listening, but theres no sound.

Isn't anyone tryin' to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home.

Chorus:
It's a damn cold night,
Tryin' to figure out this life,
Won't you take me by the hand,
Take me somewhere new,
I don't know who you are but I,
I'm with you.
I'm with you.

I'm lookin' for a place,
I'm searchin' for a face,
Is anybody here I know,
Cause' nothin's goin right,
And everything's a mess,
And no one likes to be alone.

Isn't anyone tryin' to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home.

Chorus:
It's a damn cold night,
Tryin' to figure out this life,
Won't you take me by the hand,
Take me somewhere new,
I don't know who you are but I,
I'm with you.
I'm with you.
Ya eah

Oh, why is everything so confusing,
Maybe I'm just out of my mind,
Yaaaeah yaeah yaeah yaeah yaaaaaaaaaaeah

Chorus:
It's a damn cold night
Tryin to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are but I,
I'm with youuuuuu
I'm with youuuuuu

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are but
I'm with youoooooooooooo
I'm with youuuuuuuuu

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
Don't know who you are but I,
I'm with you
I'm with you
I'm with you

SUPERBOWL DAY
The Raiders lost. And the underdogs, the Bucs won, 48-21 Bummer. I almost drowned myself in Corona because of the disappointment. Thankfully, we had a great party and our spirits were lifted up a bit. But still.. they lost??!!!

ALTERNATE WORLD
Nights like this I wish I could just stay out forever. Laugh with friends like there's no tomorrow. Dance the night away as if everything's alright. Drown myself in mudslides or tequila. But even the semblance of happiness ends. It always does. And then, I'm by myself once more. Deafened by the silence. Forced to face the sadness that was momentarily forgotten.

In my alternate world, you were waiting for me at the couch when I arrived from the party. Glancing at me with a disapproving look for staying out too late. But then your eyes light up, too, at the sight of me. Happy to see me finally home. And a smile forms on my lips. Because you're the last person I want to see before I close my eyes to sleep. You give me a warm hug, stroke my hair and plant small kisses on my forehead. And you hold my hand all night long. As if afraid to let me go. In that world, you are the first person I see when I open my eyes in the morning. And then I know that it's gonna be a good day. You hold my hand as you drive us both to work. In that world you never leave. You don't live in another state. And we won't be going home to different countries. In that world, you and I were meant to be.

But that world is only a dream. l've only but glimpses into that world. And sometimes I can even taste it and begin to think it's real. So I reach out to you. Only to see you wave goodbye as you slowly walk away. To go back into your world. And I'm left in mine. In this cold, empty world.

POKER-FACE
I'm tired of keeping a poker face to E. Tired of pretending it doesn't hurt to be apart or that I'd really rather spend time with him than go out partying. Tired of running away because I'm afraid to fall hard. And equally tired of not being able to stop myself to being drawn. Perhaps I've already fallen more than I care to admit.

If only there are no more pretensions, or no more barriers; if only he and I can be together and he can hold me close without any fears or doubts. If only... I could stop this tear from falling right now and not feel the void that he created the moment he said goodbye and kissed my forehead.. If only...

HAMMERED
I have a nasty hangover, bruises on my thigh and a raging stomach. After working so many hours lately, and hearing about the bad news at work, going out to drink just sounded like such a good idea. Plus I was so pissed off at E for not even checking with me about dinner last night. So off I went. The bad thing was, I didn't eat the whole day because well, I didn't have time to, so the alcohol really hit me bad...

Oh well. Gotta get back to work. Can't afford to be bogged down. Need to get through this day. So.many.things.to.do.

Now, if only I can find out who drove my car back last night...

TIME CRUNCH
Oh.my.god. Everything is toxic. I can't think straight. But at least I can smoke again now.

The last thing I need is E unexpectedly pulling in his visit by one night. Kainis! He just called me 30 mins before his flight this afternoon!! I had to rush from work and leave so early (630PM is way too early!) only for him to leave me here because he's going out to dinner with some frigging "friends". Tangina. Now I have to work remotely and the network is soooo slow.... And tom. I have to be in before 7AM to catch up on the stuff I didn't get done tonight!!!

And why do I put up with him, you ask? I know the answer, but I'm too stubborn to listen to myself. And so I rant instead.

You can throw tomatoes at me now.

COLD TURKEY
Among other things, my dentist told me NOT TO SMOKE for THREE DAYS after my extraction. Imagine how antsy this girl has been the last couple of days. Deng. Didn't know I could do it though. It was hard, but I've survived. So far.

My pain killers make me dizzy. But my tolerance to pain is zilch. So dizzy, it is.

Parang yoko na tuloy patanggal yung kabilang set ng teeth ko.

THE TOOTH FAIRY AIN'T SO NICE
My dentist recommended to have my third molars extracted since a couple of years ago. I never went. I was way too scared. Both the lower teeth are impacted, but the upper ones need to be removed too to align my teeth. After a few feeble attempts, and two boyfriends later, I finally decided to go ahead and do it. Damn it, my gums get swollen probably every month or so, and I'm really running out of excuses not to do it.

So today, I finally did it! The upper and lower right wisdom teeth, at least. And OMG. It was one of the most unpleasant experiences ever. The impacted tooth was located way at the back of the nerves. I could feel the pressure on my mouth and though I felt no pain, I knew they were cutting my gums, drilling on it to extract the root that was broken off, and stitching it. I did not have to courage to bring home the blasted tooth. The tooth fairy ain't so nice no more.

I'm glad it's over, though. I'm finally striking out things I need to get done but never really tried hard to do them just because they were not urgent. Among such list is taking GMAT,and TOEFL, my before-30 list...

But I digress. I'm glad I partied hard last night because today was so horrible. All I ate the whole day was a couple of Ritz crackers, a small cup of soup. I tried to eat noodles but I could hard open my mouth. I had to stay home most of the today, but it's ok. I got to watch two of my TV addictions: Trading Spaces and While You Were Out in the TLC channel. Someone is getting domesticated.. :D

HOMESICK
One of my gimik buddies is back from home and we went out tonight. It's been a while since I partied with pinoys and I didn't know I missed hanging out with them so much until now. What can I say, pinoys know how to party!! The guys from work are fun, but well, nothing beats being with my buddies when it comes to gimik. Hataw!

Anyways, he brought a box of cigarettes (yey, a break from the highly taxed ones from here!) and a few showbiz updates.. Haha.. So apparently, Claudine and Raymart are now officially together. Kris and Joey are having an on/off relationship. Carmina is paper thin and her twins are so lovely. Deither and Marvin are more than just friends. (Insert wicked smile here). And oh, the Tagalized Alias sucks.

Gawd, I miss home. I miss the gimik. I miss my friends and my family. I even miss driving in the SSHway every day. I miss Makati. I miss Malate. I miss the restos, specially Banana Leaf. I miss Rockwell. I miss MBA. I miss ube hopia from Eng Bee Tin. I miss the fried dumplings in North Park, the Thai bagoong rice in Zuppa. I miss having somewhere to go eat after gimik, no matter what time it is. I miss La Pinay from Cafe Breton and the mango cheesecake from Cheesecake, etc. I miss mango and ube ice cream. I miss Chippy (red). I miss Salt and Vinegar cracklings. I miss Laffline. I miss RR, the gay host I was obsessed on sometime ago. I miss the billboards in EDSA. Specially the ones in Guadalupe. I miss hanging out in Starbucks Rockwell to read a book everytime I feel bored in my apartment. I miss Powerbooks. I miss Cebu. I miss the beach. I miss the crowing of the rooster at early morn.

And so much more. Can't wait to finally go back home. Yeah, I may be living a nomadic life, and out of my suitcase, but there's only one place I could really call home.

THE MAN
He's the greatest love of my life. He makes me feel safe. He treats me like a little girl yet he trusts me like a grown woman. He allows me to become the person I'm meant to become and yet he accepts me even in my failures. He has always been there. Through thick and thin. Sickness and health. And I love him so much.

Happy birthday, papsie!

PANIC TIME
Yup. It's definitely showtime. And panic time. Things have been so hectic lately. The project is definitely coming together, and getting more real every day. And scary. Outside of work, nothing of much importance has been happening. I still party on weekends. While I still can. And E, is well, being himself. Just happily swings by my life whenever he feels like it, and I, happily welcome him everytime he does. He was supposed to visit today but his flight got cancelled because of poor weather. Darn. He just told me yesterday afternoon and I had to squeeze in tidying up the house after overtime, gym, quick dinner. And yeah, this crazy girl was doing a pedicure at midnight. Hmp. All that stress over nothing. Just as well. I'm still stuck at work tonight until who knows when, anyways.

REMEMBER THIS IN YOUR HEART
"i told you what i feel most
and you kept it like a ghost forever
don't you write it down
remember this in your head
don't take a picture
remember this in your heart
don't leave a message
talk to me face to face" - Dead Man's Hill, Indigo Girls

And today, I finally had the courage to delete old emails from long ago. Because the memories are in my heart, and they will be remembered dearly.

SNAIL MAIL
Technology is wonderful. But nothing still beats the feeling of opening the envelope carefully, and unravelling its content. Today I received a mail from back home - oh, thousands of miles and oceans away from here. And from one of my childhood sweethearts nonetheless. It's not just that I haven't seen him for the longest time, nor said a word or two to him since we were together like what? Forever, really. Or that he had to go ask around just to get my address here in OR. It's all that effort, and some bits of love that someone so unexpected put so much into it.

The beauty and wonder of some things old are perhaps, eternal. And a few things are better off not changing, really.

CONFESSIONS OF A SHOPAHOLIC




"But this is fantastic! Do you know how much Clarins lipstick usually costs? And here they are, giving it away! Excitedly I start rooting through all the skin-care products, trying to decide which two to buy. How about some neck cream? I've never used that before. And some of this Revitalizing Moisturizer. And then I'll get a free lipstick! It's a complete bargain." - Becky Bloomwood, Confessions of a Shopaholic

I bet every girl out there can relate to Becky. The other day, I went to Meier and Frank to buy a Clinique acne soap since I have break outs all over my back. Just before making the purchase, the sales lady asked me if I wanted to add another item because if my total purchase is $19.50, then I can get a free pouch with a lipstick and some powder samples. And I go, ok, let me go look around. But honestly, I didn't really need anything else. I have enough moisturizers and make up that will last me five lifetimes. I still look anyway. In the end, I settled for an oil-free make up base. So I paid about $25, more than what's needed but still, I got my free lipstick. A red one. And I've never been able to wear that well. I'll probably give it to my mom, or sisters. Yeah. Like they don't overbuy make up themselves.

Sometimes I feel afraid for myself. When I can't sleep at night, I watch HSN. I already bought a thigh machine. In addition to all my workout stuff that I never use anyway. After all, I've enrolled in a gym. But still, one never knows. And it was on sale. How can one not buy an item on sale? Right?

Then today I saw this very cute Fossil watch with a blinking yellow flower in it's green dial. I don't need a watch but I'm so going to check out Fossil.com now. Sweet.

MOVE
I decided to move. Change, after all, is good, ain't it? Really, though, the world was getting smaller and smaller in the previous URL. Was getting hits that I really didn't want to get. So here I am.

FIRST DAY, 2003
Hi Chapman,
I hope the new year will bring a lot of health and prosperity for both of us,
seeing your mail make me really happy, it is a wonderful way to start a new year...

kisses and hugs for you lady.

One of the best new year's greetings I got was from this guy I met last 1999 in Costa Rica. He was so great but the distance just made it easy for us to drift apart. We hardly get in touch nowadays but he never fails to make me smile whenever he does. :)

--------------------------------

Had a blast yesterday. We started the celebrations early in the afternoon at uhm, a strip club. Well, they do serve super delicious quesadillas :p Had a few beers and a lap dance. Heh. Dinner at T's place was good. More drinking. Met a cute and smart, and really goofy guy (FOO - friend of officemate). He was giving signals daw that he likes me. Ewan. Whatever. Basta I had fun with him the whole night. After midnight, he scooped me up and whirled me around.. (and the whole time I was thinking, damn, he's going to break his arm... after all the holiday eating I did.. hehehe).. The fireworks at Pioneer Square was lame, though. And there was no countdown. But nah, nothing could dampen our spirits and everyone was just on a high. I did find out T is going out with someone but it didn't bother me. He was still sweet and nice to me. As in. But I'm not gonna make the same mistake by falling for a friend who I really like hanging out with. So from now on, we're buddies. :)

Ended up crashing in T's apt. Got home a little before lunch. Took a long warm bath, thinking about what the new year would bring to me. I have no idea but somehow I just know everything will be alright. :)

MEASURE IN LOVE

Do not look back at your year with sadness or pain. Measure instead with love. For no matter how crappy life sometimes is, there is always someone, who loves you as much, or perhaps even more.

Seasons of Love
(From the musical - RENT)


Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred moments so dear
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure -- measure a year?

In daylights -- In sunsets
In midnights -- In cups of coffee
In inches -- In miles
In laughter -- In strife

In -- five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the life?

How about love?
How about love?
How about love?
Measure in love
Seasons of love
Seasons of love

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Journeys to plan
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure the life
Of a woman or a man?

In truths that she learned
Or in times that he cried
In bridges he burned
Or the way that she died

It's time now - to sing out
Tho' the story never ends
Let's celebrate
Remember a year in the life of friends

Remember the love
Remember the love
Remember the love
Measure in love

Measure, measure your life in love
Seasons of love ...
Seasons of love