Hello friends. Just wanted to ask a teeny weeny favor from you guys. A couple of prayer requests, if you're feeling generous..

* For MM's brother who is right now stricken with dengue.. Pls pray for his quick recovery
* For my teenage nephew who has not been coming home, and for his parent who has somehow already given on him.. He is right now very lost, and I myself am quite lost when it comes to him as well. Please pray that God will always guide him and bring him back home to us.

I've not been feeling well myself. Been down with a viral infection since Friday of last week. But, I'm much better off than the people I'm praying for right now.

Thank you.

Labels: family, life, love

A few weeks back, MM (my man, though he really isn't, but indulge me na lang) and I were mulling over life in general.. About how we move along fine most of it, then suddenly, a curveball is thrown at us and we are taken aback. We talked about a lot of things, and then he asked me - "What makes you tick? What is your passion?"

It's a question I've evaded for a long time now, not because I don't know the answer. On the contrary, I do know, and I know it very well. I know that it is the reason why I can never be really truly happy where I am now.

Don't get me wrong. I like my job. I like what I'm doing, and specially, I like that because of this job, I was able to do a lot of travel outside the country, which I might have not done on my own.. And yes, travel is another one of my passions. I like that my job is able to provide me with a comfortable enough lifestyle, and has helped me get a home of my own. I like that my job keeps me challenged, and keeps me thinking and analyzing day in and day out, that sometimes, I even dream of numbers and graphs. I like that my job keeps me sharp and on my toes, and helps me learn new things, almost on a daily basis, if not so. I like that my job allows me to work with so many people of different backgrounds and culture, and that is has definitely widened my horizons and beliefs. There are so many things I like about my job.

But since I was a 10, I always knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to write because I loved it as much as I loved life. I didn't even know it then, but my English teacher (whose name escapes me right now, but I will forever be grateful to her), saw that passion and helped cultivate that.. She enlisted me and another kid who soon became my best friend to join and write for our schoolpaper when we were in 5th grade. We were the 1st grade schoolers who became a part of the paper. Through high school, I just continued to write, churning out poems, stories, articles, essays, as naturally as one would breathe. But after hanging over the medals, I had to take a different path, one that would prepare me better for the "real world", as my parents told me. I stopped writing in college. It was like I never even knew what it was like. After college, all of a sudden I felt tired. Now that I think about it, it's kind of the same tiredness that I feel now. I had no real interest in finding work, and this time, it was my best friend who reminded me of my passion. She urged me to write for this newsletter instead while trying to figure what I really wanted to do. So there I was, a licensed engineer, working as a writer for a tourism newsletter, and loving every minute of it! But after three months of doing that, it suddenly became clear to me that I could not live off on the salary I was getting, and I sold out.

8 years later, here I am, still yearning to do what I love most in life. It was only 3 years ago that I actually started to "write" again through my blog, incidentally, again, at the urging of my best friend (I just realized how much you've done for me Fudz, just reminding me of the things that make me tick :) THANK YOU!! And I miss you..)

This time, MM urges me to do it. Best friend dude jokingly told me to write a book about my horrid relationships (why not? Live to tell.. hehe). Seeing all these Summit books have inspired me to do it. My gay friend is telling me to give it a go.

So what's stopping me?!

All sorts of excuses really.

Until today. Today I woke up and suddenly found some inspiration somewhere along the time I was getting ready to go to work at 5AM till the time I passed out (ok, not really, but I got dizzy).

I don't know if it's just the viral infection, but I really want to do this. :)

I.can.do.this.

Labels: life, passion

Title: Wander Girl
Publisher: Summit
Price: P150
Author: Tweet Sering

It's the same feeling as finding designer clothes at a decent Ukay place, or cool puca jewelry in Boracay... like finding treasures at AFFORDABLE prices! Discovering Summit books, that is.

Thanks to a friend for clueing me in to these books... Admittedly, they've become my guilty pleasure too... I'm dumping the Shopaholic/Bridget Jones types now... Harhar...

Wander Girl appealed to me for lots of reasons. Technically, I liked Sering's writing style. Witty. Introspective. Funny. I guess, Summit books have to be funny. This novel is written like it is a traveler’s guide. Coolness. Of course, like any Summit book (or mag), this caters to the Fun, Fearless Pinay! Hehe.

The characters are real and endearing. The experiences (of most characters), close to home. Hilda Gallares, the heroine, started out as an insecure UP Diliman graduate who did not know what to do with her life, and some 7 years later, at age 30, is already an accomplished writer/publisher, and doing what she loves the most: writing and traveling. It's the wanderlust and the love for always moving that makes me relate to her the most (aside from all the bad relationships and what comes along with them... ehem)... The other fab characters are her dad (nagwawala, as she would call it, and I can sooo relate... harhar), her ate Helen (dating KP as in kulubot puwet... hahaha agen), and her best friend Lulu (true-blue, kick-ass Bisaya! Bisayans, unite... Hehe). Oh, I should not forget her boyfriend Gabe, who would count to 250 while they're having sex (brings to mind a friend's story. Just after having sex, and while attempting to do "another round", her partner blurted out "I guess I really need Viagra now"... Ano yun? Trying to be macho, or just plain pathetic? Argh. Men! hahaha... no offense.)

"We Pinays are shoppers in that grocery store. We are dissatisfied with our mangoes and yet we bite into one, swallow a chunk with a grimace, and then go back for more. We complain about the sub-standard men in our lives—how they womanize, gamble, drink too much, abuse us both physically and verbally, disrespect us—and yet we're still with them. We don't go up the grocer and say, "Sir, the mangoes in your store are rotten. Tomorrow, when I buy your mangoes—despite the two occasions they have disappointed me—I want them to be juicy and delicious. Otherwise, I will look elsewhere and never set foot on this store again," and then make good our word…. Pinoy men, I concluded as I rose from my chair, are emotional underachievers because we don't expect high standards from them. They are brats because we spoil them. They give so little and take a lot because we give a lot and take so little."

This book is more mature than Breakup Diaries. Or as Hilda would tell us, "free of Catholic guilt". It showcases the life of a single and independent Pinay in today's time, one that is having sex, yes, no matter that her mom still thinks that she is still a virgin at age 26. (Now tell me, whose mom doesn't?? My mom, I bet she still thinks of me as her baby... But Mom, I would like to protest, I want to have my own babies soon, the natural way! :D)

After a tumultuous 20's, Hilda is now all grown and wiser at 30, just finding out that the hardest relationship of all is not that with other people, but with one's self. And this time, she wants to take that journey.

And I would like to believe that's where I'm heading to as well.

"Because the best thing about wandering off, I found out, is coming home."

Labels: book review

September 18, 2004, 1AM:

I decided to hit the mall after work for a few minutes to get rent money, buy my cig supply for next week and just walk around to decompress.. The mall is my solace. There I can be anonymous and have precious hours to myself, away from all my work and 'lovelife' troubles.

I purposedly avoided going within 2km radius of my favorites shops, lest I go into my I'm-heartbroken-so-I-deserve-a-new-top-or-whatever-suits-my-fancy frenzy.. Hehe.. I've already vowed many times before, that I will not let any man be a reason to drain my bank account via unplanned visits to the spa, salon (and later on curse the high heavens for the dreaded I-was-depressed-so-I-had-my-hair-done-ok?! haircut) or unplanned shoe/CD/clothes/DVD/kikay purchases. I can do that on my own account, thank you very much. :)

But, my shopping maniac nature just wouldn't escape me. So, determined not to go beyond 1,000 pesos, I decided to humour myself and buy, you know.. stuff I NEED. So if that was the only money I have left, I used it up on the ff:

1. Marlboro Lights, 1 rim - ~P300
2. Contraceptive Pills - ~P500 (Ok, dude, don't react! Prescribed by my OB for health reasons! hehe)
3. Book - The Breakup Diaries by Maya Calica - P150 (Well, I needed a distraction from my recent "breakup" story.. I wanted to buy Cosmo, but the title was just too inviting to pass up.. No regrets. I was truly entertained. My review below.. His is a lot more comprehensive, though) 4. Parking fee - P40, and I had a few pesos left to boot! :)

I left the mall, feeling quite happy and ready to go back to work (on a Friday night, yes!), and realized I probably made a couple of contradicting purchases. So I SMS'd my two best friends (both doctors) - "Ey, can I smoke while on the pill?".. Best Friend A "No, mam. :( Prone to forming clots even if you don't have wounds. Can cause clogged blood vessels". Best Friend L "As if you'll stop smoking if I say you can't! Hehe.. Nah, won't kill you now. Prolly 10-15 years later".. I just love how different my friends are. But of course, L is right. If I had to choose between the risk of getting pregnant, vs not smoking, I'd obviously take the 1st option. Hehe.
So anyways, I ended up reading the book when I got home. It's an easy read so I was done in time to still catch the folks in the U.S. and complete my work deliverables for the week. Yay me!
The book is entertaining, like I said. Every woman, who ever experienced a break up, imagined or otherwise, no matter what age or size, can relate. She wrote her novel in the manner of Bridget Jones. I found it distracting, sometimes, but The Breakup Diaries is funny and witty, and I would admit, I couldn't put it down.

I saw myself in Monica, well, not for the part where she would confess her sins every so often.. "... I've allowed him to, uhm, sort of touch me.. below my neck, Father..".. LOL. "A watched phone never beeps".. Another laugh. I had had to resort to putting my phone on silent mode, because I was already hearing my Itsuomo ringing tone even when it wasn't ringing, as I was constantly expecting for HIM to text or call, which he used to do, like daily, and all throughout the day. Nyeta o. Detox! (What do you know. After one day of no word from him, he SMS'd me with "Hi my friend".. "Friend mo mukha mo!", was my first thought balloon.. Though I really wanted to say, "Gago, I miss you". But finally replied with "Hi ka rin".. Argh. I've mutated into a teenager. If this were a scene from a movie, it would be from "30 Going 13"!)

Every woman who's been scorned has had to gather up all her strength and willpower not to cave with low attempts to jerk her feelings around by way of missed calls, drunken or sporadic SMS's, or random calls (like every 3-weeks random!).

Fought the urge to call Itos or even text back. Felt texting back would make me a major loo-hoo-ser. But, OK, will admit was going to reply except suddenly could not find name in the phone book. Just then, "DON'T TEXT HIM" was calling me.

Every woman who's been scorned has gone through psychoanalysis, doing a post mortem on failed relationships, and deconstructing the past to understand WHY, in the manner of:

Reasons why Itos broke up with me (must be written down, again and again, lest I forget!):

1. I'm too nice -- Itos's words
2. "He's too cute for you" - Giselle's point ( reassess friendship with G)
3. "He's an asshole" -- Teray's opinion (everyone is entitled to one)
4. I didn't sleep with him -- Raj's demented reasoning

Lol again. This book is worth it. (Though I have to reconsider if this will really be part of my last 1,000 peso purchases... I have to leave something for food and water, I suppose..)

Come to think of it, getting over a breakup is not that bad.. You know you're going to get better at it, the next time around.. It is also really quite funny. You can't help but laugh at your own eccentricities. The things you do. Good thing you have friends who can accept you, no matter how crazy you get. Chances are, they've had their moments like that, anyways. Right, dude?? :)

September 18, 2004, 11AM:

Just finished my early Saturday/late U.S. Friday meeting. Am hungry. Oh, phone just lit! Message from... "IGNORE HIM! HE'S BAD FOR YOU!!" :D

Labels: book review, life, relationships

My best friend tells me something I already know.

But there are things I know about my heart:

1. It's very stubborn.
2. It can be weak.
3. More often than not, it wins over my head.

I know, a few more days and I'll be ok again. Better to get hurt now, big time, rather than carry on, and deal with a little bit of pain in between several moments of happiness. Coz not everything is about happiness. Specially not your own. Specially when it's at the expense of others.

Someday, there will be happiness that doesn't come with a price.

Labels: heartache, relationships

"I wouldn't know better than to get scared
Cause since we've met we've had this great connection
"You know concrete colored buildings all grow stale"
You say as I look up dreaming
I know better than to include the both of us
But I can't sleep when your gone
And you say "what's another day?"" - What's Another Day, Maria Mena

I know that we should have stopped the first time we said goodbye. After the third goodbye, you'd think we'd finally have the heart to end our misery. But now we're back to where we started.. Slightly awkward, but we're slowly dipping our toes into the waters once more. I should walk away. But I keep telling myself, how can I walk away from someone who makes my heart feel giddy yet be content with the slightest touch or a mere hello? Sigh.

In other news, since I made (and not able to do all) my to-do-before-I-turn-30 list, I decided I will, instead, strive to do something I've never done before each year. In 2002, I went bungee jumping and skydiving. 2003, I did something quite personal and undid it (or began the process) before the year ended.. For 2004, it's donating blood. Yes, I've never done this. Needles and blood freak me out. I hate physical pain. But I did it! I conquered my fear. And it's for a good cause to boot. Yey me! :)

Labels: donating blood, relationships

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;" - Eloisa to Abelard, Alexander Pope

Forgetting is probably one of the most taxing, most difficult things to do, after something wonderful has gone awry. One doesn't want to deal with pain, so one tries to forget. Forget about falling in love with a married man, forget about an abusive relationship with your husband, forget about the love of your life you who had set you off this trail of bad relationships.

This is the basic premise of the movie, "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind".. After the end of a tumultuous relationship, two lovers erase each other from their memories through a procedure done by Lacuna Inc. Everything takes place while you are asleep, and in the morning, you are as good as new. No more heartaches, no more pain. Or so you think.

Interesting story, and I'm sure something we can all relate to, in one way or another. Who hasn't tried to block out someone from your mind? Who hasn't gone through so much pain to want to just forget that everything ever happened, even the good ones? The actors in this film are brilliant. I never really liked Jim Carrey, but he is just different in this film. He does well as this soft-spoken, boring man who fell in love with an eccentric woman who changes her hair color every so often, reflecting how much she does things on impulse. A case of opposites attract? Maybe. But the whole point of this movie is not so much about relationships, as it is about coping with pain and loss. And maybe it is a little about love, and how we find it in strange places, strange people, and that no matter how much we try to run away from it, if it's there, it's there.

Good editing. The flashbacks, the contrast of colour -- outstanding.

And lastly, my favorite lines.

"Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind.".. :)

"Blessed are the forgetful: for they get the better even of their blunders." -- Friedrich Nietzsche

"Drink up young man, it will make the whole seduction part less repugnant"..

Labels: movies

"From the first time
You laid your lips on mine
It feels like the smile on my face
Will last till the end of time
But Im not so sure
That you're the one that I should pursue
My mind tells me no
But my heart only says that it's you" - Falling, Keahiwai

Sigh.

I'm obviously in one of those moods. I've been blogging more often than I had the last few months. Argh. What is wrong? Three months ago, I was nasusuka with these guy's style. I admit, I "noticed" him the first time I saw him, but I dismissed the thought as soon as I knew what I had to know. How could this happen? He's been on my mind the whole weekend. I deleted his number as soon as we said our goodbyes but he caved and text'd me this morning, this lunch, tonight. And all I wanna do is call and hear his voice. Argh again. Punyeta talaga. Sayang lang my loot yesterday if I don't stay strong and convicted.

Last night I watched "The Notebook" because friends told me nakakaiyak daw and I wanted to cry. But I didn't. Is it just me? I really wasn't touched by all this true love drama. Have I become callous? But here's the clincher. I watched Laws of Attraction and I cried when they were talking about people who get a divorce are those who chose not to fight for their marriage. Breaking up should be the last resort and all that talk. Ouch.

And in another movie, I like this line, ""Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind." I should say that whenever someone tells me "You make me feel young again".. Ha ha.

Anyways, in other news, for the first time in years, I had to ask for my parents help. And I called them kanina to thank them. They helped without any questions asked. And I said I will make bawi to them na lang soon.. And my dad told me this and it made me cry "Anak, di na kelangan bumawi.. Kahit ano gagawin namin ni mama para sa inyong mga anak namin.." Haay.. Grabe. No matter what I do, no matter who I've become, they will always love me unconditionally. In the end, they are all I have. My family. And that is one truth that is keeping me sane amidst all this bullshit.

Labels: family, movies, relationships

"I could use a fresh beginning tooAll of my regrets are nothing new" - Learning to Breathe, Switchfoot

Someone is stirring up my heart again. Someone is making me smile. But once again this someone is someone I should not fall for. And my mind and my heart are once again clashing...

And with how things have been so rough lately, I am welcoming his gentleness and his sweetness, and his adoration is just so overwhelming.

And I'm happy. But I shouldn't be.

Is it always going to be like this?

Labels: life, relationships