Let's start with Louis. Ali and I finally had our LV date. (Thanks, Ali!!!) And I finally got my Neverfull. It took me several days to make the decision (I am lusting for the Damier in Ebene, which is unfortunately only available in Guam, Hawaii and Japan at the moment). Then the big question. Which size? I was so set on the GM, being a big bag lover that I am. But I wasn't prepared for how big the GM really is, specially in its unstrung glory. Kaloka. Kasha ata si Ali dun. Seryus. So anyways, while I know that half of the population already owns the Neverfull in Mono, authentic (I had fun looking for the date code..  as in I turned the bag inside out pa) or fake (argh!), I love totes and for me it was love at first sight. I wanted to settle for the Mono Mini Lin Speedy 30 while waiting for the Neverfull Damier, but I'm not really a Speedy-kind of girl.. And I've gotten past the point of settling. Whether in bags, or love :)

Speaking of love, so I met the reason for this blog today. He and I had already long broken up, and we were at the point where we had a break-up, post break-up. Meaning, we were finally able to let go and started moving on with our lives. I was definitely feeling the loss and well, writing helped me through. We became friends again over the years, though never the hanging out kind of friends ever again. But the kind who still has certain fondness for each other. He has even come to my place once (so that's fairly recent), with his last ex, so everything's fine and dandy between us. No sparks or fireworks or whatever, though he did say we should go out for coffee sometime. And I said sure. I mean, we're old friends. We have a lot of catching up to do. Plus I need a movie buddy. Fortunately, he is more jologs than I am (cheesier, and so fond of love stories, that is), when it comes to movies. So I think I can convince him to watch a Lloydie or a KC movie with me. Harhar.

So this is a fine Sunday. I'm still all smiles :)

Labels: louis vuitton, lv, neverfull, old loves

I looked for it, I got it. Normally, I just let things pass, like mga pasikat na hirit and all that. I don't do that. Di ako mashadong mapagpatol. I choose my battles. Pero I've been noticing that this beyotch hidden in little Bo Peep's clothing has been trying to put down the initiatives I used to own. Ako naman, I don't give an ef about her, I know my accomplishments. Di ko wish makipag compete kay Bo Peep kase in fairness, no match. Sorry. So ages ago, minana nya ung isang initiative ko. When I was handling it, me movement. Kahit konti, things were moving. Then when big boss passed it down to her kase wala naman sha mashadong gawa, she bashed my program, dami daw gaps, kesyo this and that, she will make changes in the initiative daw. Ten years later, wala namang changes, and worse, the initiative died a natural death. Eto na naman, I'm transitioning another project to her, she goes saying, yeah, the process you're doing is not working, blah blah. Ako naman, always open for feedback. I'm very transparent in everything I'm doing, laging me buy in process. So where were you Bo Peep during those times? Bakit di ka umeksena kung kelangan? Now that you have to pick up where I left off, you say bad things, calling out this, calling out that. Ako naman, hello, I've been telling Big boss, nasasakal na ako sa daming special projects. Puro butal na eto, wala naman sa perf plan. So I'm more than willing to relinquish these small inconsequential things. My 10-12 hour days are more than enough, thank you very much. So if you have a problem with what I was doing, edi go. Magpa bibo ka. Howell, I said di ako mapagpatol. So, whatevs. All i know is, I'm not the one handling hand-me-down projects. 'Nuff said.

Labels: asar

** another repost **

WALKING ON EGGSHELLS??!

Are you in a relationship with a person with BPD?

- Do you find yourself concealing what you really think or feel because you're afraid of the other person's reaction, and it just doesn't seem worth the horrible fight or hurt feelings that will surely follow? Has this become so automatic that you have a hard time even identifying what you think or feel?
- Feeling like you're walking on eggshells much of the time, and that no matter what you say or do, it will be twisted and used against you.
- Being the focus of intense, even violent rages that make no logical sense, alternating with periods when the other person acts perfectly normal and loving.
- Feeling like you're being manipulated, controlled or even lied to sometimes.
- Feeling like the person you care about sees you as either all good or all bad, with nothing in between. Wishing that the person would act like they used to, when they seemed to love you and think you were perfect and everything was wonderful.
- Feeling like the other person is like "Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde": one moment a loving, caring person; another moment someone who seems so vicious you barely recognize them. Wondering which one is "real." Hoping that it's a phase that will go away -- but it doesn't.
- Feeling like you're on an emotional roller coaster with high highs (things are incredible, fantastic) and very low lows (feeling of despair, depression, grief for the relationship you thought you had).
- Being afraid to ask for things in the relationship because you will be told you're too demanding or there is something wrong with you.
- Feeling helpless and trapped.
- Being accused of doing things you never did and saying things you never said. Feeling misunderstood a great deal of the time, and when you try to explain, the other person doesn't believe you.
- Having a hard time planning anything (social engagement, etc.) because of the other person's moodiness, impulsiveness or unpredictability. Sometimes, even making excuses for their behavior to other people -- or trying to convince yourself that this is normal behavior.
- Reading the above list and thinking "Oh my God, I had no idea that other people were going through the same thing and that there is a name for this: Borderline Personality Disorder."

Labels: exes, nightmares

I'm reposting a few old entries, spanning for a period of almost a year between 2003 and 2004, in sequential order.. This is for you... Told yah, it's more than a rollercoaster of emotion, indecision, pain and resilience. One thing for sure though, I'm glad I finally got off it.

I know it's a long hard road but I hope in the end, it leads you to where you need to be :)

+++++++++

TIRED 




I had been excited the whole day, because I had prepared little gifts for him, created pages for a scrapbook, partly as a belated monthsary gift, and mostly because it's his day...But tonight, a call from an old college barkada just put us back where we were a few days ago. In that place where pain has almost ceased to exist, and numbness has begun to set in. He threw a fit, once more not listening to reason. Once more doubting and distrustful. 

What have I done wrong? 

I don't want to cry anymore. I AM SO F*CKIN' TIRED. 

I cannot feel loved one moment, then feel like the most hated person the next. 

I love him but how far will that love go, really?



So when do I know enough is enough? When I say it is. For the first time ever in this relationship, I am ready to let go. I am scared shitless. But I'd rather be scared than be hurt over and over again. 

He never even got to open his presents.

I AM SAD AND HEARTBROKEN BUT I HAVE TO STAY STRONG


My heart is in so much pain right now, it seems like it's about to burst. But as soon as the tears dried up, and the night passed, I saw a hint of the sun. And it dawned on me, I have to stop crying. I don't know if I can learn to not be sad. But I don't wanna shed any more tears. 


ON LETTING GO



Here's my last letter for you. I'm tired now... I'm tired of pushing myself to you. I'm tired of what you didn't do, or I didn't do. I'm tired of you not understanding the things i say to you, or not understanding you also. I just want a rest now. Maybe someday, I will find that love. The kind of love I'm looking for, it's not the perfect love but the love I want to feel... not just for a couple of years, but the love that will last forever. I don't want it just to come by. I will find that... I will find that love. Because I'm the kind of person that cannot live without love. I want to LOVE. 

Now, I can just smile whenever you say that you want to leave me. I am ready. And I want to be ME again....

GOODBYE 


For the longest time, this is what I've wanted to do.. To leave. Get out. But my heart is more stubborn than I thought. And I hate the way my heart is in so much pain right now because it refuses to understand and let go. I want to start over. I want to believe again that somewhere out there, there is someone who will love me completely, and will have so much passion for me now, as he will have 20 years from now. And I will love him completely. I want to feel the magic. The natural high of being with someone you can't do without. Someone who will treat me right. Someone who will not ask me to love him more than I love myself, because he has enough love for himself.

I'M BECOMING A PAROKYA GROUPIE :p 



Nakakasawa din pala...

Kapag paulit ulit ang buhos ng galit

Parang ayoko na yata 

Nakakapagod din pala ang iyong mukha

At kung may balak ka pang ulitin sa akin yun

May ibubulong ako sa iyo.... putangina mo.. - Parang Ayoko Na Yata, Parokya ni Edgar 



This song is dedicated to........

UNTITLED


Punyeta. Ang plastic ko. Time to move on daw. But the truth is, my love for him is still stronger than my resolve to let go and move on. I just didn’t want to admit that to anyone, much more to myself...

DOING THE TANGO


I keep moving two steps forward. Then turn around completely. Go backwards. I'm doing the tango. All on my own. I want to move on, but I'm also the one holding myself back. The thing is, even if we both decided to end our relationship, I know he also still cares for me. I know he loves me. 

I am afraid to let go. Because this is truly the first time I've ever felt this intensely for someone. And my heart wants that intensity even if it comes with the promise that the fights are equally as intense. And do I really want that? My heart is telling me I do. It's what I live for. Passion, love. All that intense crap. But my mind tells me otherwise. It tells me that it's time to leave the chaos and pursue more stable things. But stability slows me down. 

With MB, I know, things are always gonna be unpredictable. There's always the excitement of not knowing what comes next. And yet, part of me was afraid of that. The part that wanted me to get out of the relationship. The part that is trying so hard to be heard.

WHAT AM I HOLDING ON TO, REALLY?


Sometimes I wonder, why I'm still holding on to my relationship with MB. Do I still love him? I believed we can still conquer our issues. I believed there was still hope amidst all the anger, jealousy and anguish. Because lessons were learned. Or did they come too late? Worse, was I, all this time, just believing an illusion? 

Something snapped this weekend. It felt like a slap on my face. 

Someone once told me he needed to be harsh to me so that I will finally see through the haze. I refused to believe him. In fact, I shut him out of my life because I knew all along he was right. And I didn't want to believe I was fighting a lost cause. It is hard because I am afraid beyond words to face the realities of defeat, loneliness, sadness, betrayal and grief. 

But really, I should be more afraid to continue living a lie and to continue to settle. I should be more afraid of losing myself and my dignity. I should be more afraid of the slow death that all this pain is causing.


UNTITLED

Just thinking, why is peace so elusive? And will people ever change? Or is there something genetic that will stop them from becoming the person they aspire to be? He knew too much alcohol makes him do crazy things.. It happened again. This time it's really more than a warning sign already. It should be a deal-breaker. But even after all my resolve to never talk to him again (and after deleting his phone number one million times already), I feel bad about abandoning him... Is it really part of my life's purpose to be there for him through all his trials?


UNTITLED

"Yes, time will heal those wounds but it will take a longer time if you allow the wounds to be bumped, burned and pierced while in the process of healing... you must protect yourself from yourself... minsan ikaw na ang sumusugat sa sugat mong di pa gumagaling... Trust me, after you let yourself heal properly and completely, you'll see a scar that will serve as a reminder of the lessons learned - and not of the pain you felt. "


ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

I've become his emotional punching bag. He is killing me softly with his angry and spiteful words. While he's at it, I will continue to live my life as if it's my last. I will brush my tears, walk away, and keep moving forward. I don't have to take any crap someone wants to push down my throat. Not even from someone I still care for so much. And I certainly don't want to drown myself with my tears. ENOUGH NA! 



And this is something for me to think about: 

Are you holding onto things which God wants you to let go of? 
Are you holding onto harmful or unnecessary partners, relationships, habits and activities which you have become so attached to that it seems impossible to let go? 


WHAT MAKES YOU A BATTERED WOMAN?

Is it because the man's hand almost reaches your cheek several times? Or his angry, hurtful insults and ugly curse words hurled at you everytime he goes on rage? Or is it because you don't stand up to him, and just bear all that? Because you live in constant fear that he might actually do worse?

If you just ignore his rage and move on and walk away as far away as possible, are you ever going to be whole again? Or is it high time for you to go to fight for your right to be treated with respect?

What makes a battered woman? Is it the man who abuses you? Or you, who allows yourself to be abused?

CURED

I am truly cured of this sickness. This blindness. 

The trip to the church and talking to Him gave me a lot of clarity. It was then that I felt what unconditional love is. And no, I'm not my own best friend. Nor am I alone. There is a Power far stronger than my will or courage. He is my best friend, always at my side and He eased my pain away. He allowed me to see what I chose to ignore. He allowed me to cry, to cleanse my soul from grief and despair. He allowed me to hurt, so I could feel what real love is. 

Love does not hurt you or threaten you or use you. Love does not use emotional blackmail. Love is not unfaithful. Love is not possessive nor insecure. Love is not angry. 

And I've always known that. Yet, I chose to be blind. 

But not anymore.


"Sometimes it is so hard to see what is in the other hand but do believe this one thing...................... God will never take away something without giving you something better in its place."

Labels: exes, love, nightmares

- We had a couple of holidays this week (don't you just love city charter days), so I took my CTO today. I was intending to do nothing but de-stress, sleep a good 8 hours, watch TV... I did all of the above, except, I also had to squeeze in a couple of hours to work. When I left after 12 hours of work yesterday, I still had three pending escalations and 1 process map to create. Oh well, the perils of the job.

- I was trying to download software updates on Addie today, and found out I forgot my admin password. When I reset it, this Keychain login box started to appear and it bugged the hell out of me. I finally was able to figure it out. But man, it took a lot of tinkering before I finally decided to google it, and voila. There it was. The answer to my headache. Don't you ever wonder how we ever survived without google in the past? Shudder. Google is, for me, the greatest technological innovation in this lifetime.

- Speaking of Addie, I still haven't optimized her use and all I do with her is surf. I only have the basic softwares, so I can't even properly edit pictures with her. I still love her though. One day I can give her enough attention and start working on her enhancements :)

- And speaking of surfing, my SmartBro connection this week was just so crappy. When I called their customer care, they couldn't tell me what was going on but they told me some enhancements were made somewhere else but it shouldn't affect me, so they don't know. Good thing I have developed a new brand of patience for phone services because of my current work, but man, how could they not know what was wrong? Moving on.. I also hate the fact that I have to login to SmartBro everytime I switch laptops to access the internet. I don't use my work-issued laptop for non-work stuff nowadays, so when I do need to remotely login to work, I have to login and reconfigure settings. When I switch back, I do the same thing so I can surf with Addie. Hassle, pare. Will need to find a more efficient way to do my surfing and working hassle-free. That goes to my to do list #1001. :p

- Lastly, just want to give my shout out to a friend and officemate who is going thru some rough times these days... Hugs to you and hope you feel better soon. Let's just go get our boxing gloves and be even more fabulous :) Shout out to my best friend, Petite and hubby Mark as well. Congratulations! OMG. SOOO super happy for you guys.

- Haay. Fake vacay's almost over. Want a real one soon... Planning to head off to Pagudpud sometime October. Sana matuloy na :)

Labels: life, random, rant

Since my nephew was doing the posing, you can only see my feet in this vid, and only if you're fast enough. Haha. Too tamad to post the vid, just posting the link instead --

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ab7a_QD9nac

Thanks again to thebachelorgirl.com :)

Labels: Mulan Jr, nephew, video

Ever since going on night shift, I had had to move things around and basically just screw up more than just my body clock. Hormonal imbalance aside, my personal activities and relationships were starting to take the backseat.

Labels: life

Ugh. Fiancee of non-ex (read into it whichever way you want:)) is my choice of bitching bag (kinda like punching bag to relieve stress, only I bitch about her instead of punching her, I mean a bag) nowadays. The thing is, non-ex was just a barkada, who, like ages ago, professed his interest in me but back then he just wasn't my type (gawky, didn't know how to salsa, yet he tried all his might to). Anyways, she earned our ire when she talked condescendingly to our friendly tour guide (not theirs, but our group's, so imagine, ang kapal), then it was all downhill from there. It doesn't help of course that secretly I wished they wouldn't last long, mostly for selfish reasons, and still not because I'm attracted to non-ex (haha, defensive). But, no thanks to the techie version of newspaper's wedding announcement section, otherwise known as Facebook, it's staring at me in all it's sordid  details. Engaged to .... otherwise known as chaka girl.

Labels: bitchings

Just came from a dinner and conversation with old friends at Hooters. We had a lot of catching up to do as I haven't seen either Ali or Allan for such a long time. I guess when R was here we got caught up in working things out, spending quality time together, and planning for the future. Yes, there's a plan :) Right now, things are in its initial stages, but we're taking baby steps. Just the way I like it. I mean, I did this once in the past, everything happened so fast, whirlwind seems such an understatement. And it all just went down the drain. This time around, I really want to be sure. 

Labels: friends, life, R