He keeps telling me not to lose hope.. The truth is, it's becoming clearer to me that it's not hope that I'm losing but something else... something much more basic in keeping us together. And I'm drifting farther away... and actually happy that I am.

CONNING THE CON MAN
Matchstick Men, a story of two con artists, who are out to get the more vulnerable kind - old people, fat people, lonely people, as they said, and even fellow con men.. "Never con people who won't buy what you're selling".. or something like that.. And that is kind of a sad truth.. Happens to the best of us.. And I'm not just talking about buying stuff that's really worth 1/10th of the price you got it for. Love - perhaps the greatest con of all. (Ok, this is just the frustrated me talking).

Nicholas Cage plays Roy, an OC con man whose wife left him years ago during his unsober years... He is repulsed by dirt, stains and hates the outdoors. But his life changed when he met the daughter he was not sure he had. He was at his happiest. I got so touched at a scene whereby he was looking inside his ref, with food labelled "HIS" and "HERS" (tuna for him, and all sorts of junk food for his daughter) while listening to a voicemail from his daughter while she was away in school. That's what love is. As simple as enjoying looking at the things your loved one loves, or listening to a voicemail over and over again. Some may say it's pathetic, but I think that was kind of endearing, considering Roy was after all a bad guy.. And speaking of bad guys, this is one of my favorite dialogues in the movie:

Angela (daughter): Mom says you are a bad guy...
Roy: Yeah, she's right.
Angela: But you don't seem like a bad guy at all..
Roy: That's why I'm so good at it.

Yeah, needless to say, sometimes we get conned because we would never suspect to be conned by the sweet guy who gives us flowers everyday... sweeps us off our feet, until of course, he drops us back down to earth.

The story takes an interesting, sad twist in the end. Albeit, the movie still ends happily..

I liked this movie, almost made me cry (leave it to me to always fall for the bad guy.. hahaha) :)

REDISCOVERING THE JOYS OF INDEPENDENCE :)
While life of interdependency was ok, life before and after that, has its simple joys.. There's nothing more rewarding than being able to accomplish things without so much depending on other people. Since we didn't have any classes today, I had the time to do some trivial stuff that I've been putting off since I was way too busy... More often than not, I have to ask someone to pay bills for me, to do this or that. But, I was able to go to the vulcanizing shop and got my tire fixed (yep, had a flat tire, and thanks to the service-oriented guys at Shell for replacing it..), finally meeting my landlady after two years and paying my rent personally (my Ate usually does this for me), got my TV back from the repair shop (and just had one service guy come home with me so he can bring it up to my floor), catching up on some undie laundry (ok, I've always done this.. even if I send my clothes to Lavandera weekly, I have qualms about other people touching my undies... so even if I hate doing chores, I have to do it.. hehe) .. I've also already enrolled my landline, cellphone and insurance bills at my bank so I can pay it online or thru ATM.. Sweet. Kakahiya na sa katulong ng Ate ko eh :) And tomorrow, my landlady's husband will accompany me to a shop so I can change my car tints (I've been meaning to do this since I've been so concerned about my safety lately, but did not have a chance to do it kse ung driver ni Ate super busy!!).. In fairness, it feels wonderful din if other people offer to help or help ever so willingly when asked.. So living on your own is not so bad talaga.. Like I told MB and his mom, I have to start getting used to being alone again, because clearly he is a partner in absentia and well, with the way things are going, I might end up being on my own for a long time. The thought is no longer as scary as it used to be. I've always been able to fend for myself. I just got sidetracked, and now, I think my good ol' self is back! :)

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Eating alone is not so bad either.. I mean, I always eat alone in my apartment, but I never liked the idea of getting a meal in a diner or resto alone.. Getting coffee, yeah, but never a meal. But I tried it today, and I realized, there are a number of people who eat alone, and they don't seem bothered. Hell, I was having fun browsing thru my new book (Catcher in the Rye, yeah, I've never read this) while munching on my food. It was refreshing to not have to make conversation, or have to do the usual pleasantries while dining with someone or have to catch up para di diyahe pag masyadong mabagal... I should really go out alone more often.. go to a library, bookstore, museum or coffee shop.. This is more cost-friendly than SHOPPING.. Hehe.. Time to tighten the budget because Christmas is around the corner and I just love giving gifts to loved ones, not to mention my growing number of inaanaks! :)

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My friends and I are are planning to check out that French hip-hop thingie at the Enterprise this Tues.. and we are definetely watching Rated Rexxx at the Music Museum next month! Since Nic introduced me to the SBC Packers and gawd, sino na ba ung katulong ng Super Friends? Maritess:), I've always wanted to watch him live na.. He is just so sobrang funny kasi and listening to him is a surefire way of escaping harsh realities even for a bit :) Teka, ma-friendster nga 'tong si Mang Rex :) Yuck, showbiz! :p

Oh, that's one good thing about being independent, too.. Because it does not have to mean being alone all the time.. It's ok to ask your friends to go out once in a while.. Minsan kasi, I feel like I don't want to be such a burden to other people, so even if I don't feel like being alone, I just grin and bear it.. Most of my friends are ever so willing to keep me company if I just ask.. And they're wonderful like that :)

FOUND MYSELF A NEW TAMBAYAN :)
The last few weeks I've been going out, I've been feeling a little out of place. The tube-top/back-less generation has invaded the gimik scene! After weeks of planning to check out the place, we finally got to go to 90 Proof. As my best friend said, it was refreshing to be in a bar where most people were within our age bracket.. And the proof? Everyone was singing along the 80's music in the background!! Aliw nga eh, it was like a mini-reunion of sorts, and people had no qualms about shouting (or singing) and dancing to uhm, Rico Mambo. Hehehe...

Thanks, Mark for introducing as to this watering hole in Ortigas. And well, for consequently getting us addicted to your friend's very sinfully delicious chocolate cake. :)

Fudz!! We miss you!! Hope you're having a good one out there!! Happy Birthday!

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Just thinking, why is peace so elusive? And will people ever change? Or is there something genetic that will stop them from becoming the person they aspire to be? He knew too much alcohol makes him do crazy things.. It happened again. This time it's really more than a warning sign already. It should be a deal-breaker. But even after all my resolve to never talk to him again (and after deleting his phone number one million times already), I feel bad about abandoning him... Is it really part of my life's purpose to be there for him through all his trials? Even if during times that I need him, he is mostly never there? Will I continue to stand by him, even as he has never even made any effort to spend time with me? Why, even when, now, he is the one who has virtually abandoned me, do I feel bad about shutting my door on him once and for all?

And more questions... Do I have a sign on my forehead inviting danger (or at the very least, strange people) in my life? I already had a couple of stalkers in this lifetime so far. And potentially one more. Ugh. There's this obssessed (with me) ex-bf from college, whom I only dated for a couple of months really, and then we never heard from each other again. Until he made his comeback and professed his undying love. After 8 years. Uhm. Ok. Sorry. Really scary. An ex who is trigger-happy. Is it them? Or is it just me? F*ck. It's too early to be analyzing all this. That plus I'm still hung over. And I'm already late for a lunch meeting.

Like Shiloah, there are days that I wish I were somewhere else.

EVEN BACK THEN I WAS ALREADY A DRAMA QUEEN
I was looking for my old school receipts so I can process my reimbursement, and I came across a letter (I guess I never got to send) to an old boyfriend (the guy who just got married)... Even then, I was already a drama queen. And even then, I had always wanted to run away when things started to get deep.. I don't know why I do that. I don't remember any trauma that might cause me to pursue self-preservation rather than happiness... But yeah, I was already like that.. I think I still am.. Gawd, I think I'm going to need therapy really soon.. :p

Here are some excerpts..

"... they (my friends) don't have much faith in long distance relationships either. It makes me want to regret allowing myself to love you as well as wanting to be loved by you... I feel I should not have let this come this far.. But someone once told me this:: WE OURSELVES SHALL BE LOVED FOR A WHILE, AND A WHILE FORGOTTEN.. SPEED PASSIONS EBB, AS WE GREET ITS FLOW. TO HAVE, TO HOLD AND IN TIME LET GO!...

In the end, I felt we needed to slow down, to be apart.. We needed to go back to earth again because I was beginning to lose my rationality... I panicked.. I had to go away.. I'm sorry.. "

Aysus. In fairness. Kahit pala nung bata pa ako, I was like this na.

Really though, this time I learned my lessons.. on taking risks, perseverance and tolerance.. And even patience. But maybe I'm taking it a bit too far. Trying to correct the sins of the past. But then again, maybe it's worth it.

HE WORKS IN WAYS WE CANNOT SEE...
God always makes a way, when there seems to be no way...

For all of you dear blog friends who offered your prayers for my friends and my inaanak and their families, THANK YOU. My inaanak is finally home..

* * * * *
I've been raising safety and security concerns to my manager since this incident. Yeah, I am getting paranoid. What happened was a very chilling tragedy and kind of paralyzing. But there are lessons learned.. One of the more important ones is to always spend quality time with your loved ones.. Value your family and make them your priority in life.. Be safe and take measures so as not to be vulnerable to crime. Learn to defend yourself and your family.. And never put off important things for your loved ones because there's just no telling what tomorrow may bring.. I had put off giving my inaanak my pasalubong for him from the U.S. because I was always too busy to bring it to him.. So now I know to never do that again.. Be too busy to prioritize the people who matter to you..

* * * * *
In the love front, the MB saga is far from over. We are bound in ways I cannot yet elaborate on.. Which makes our situation much more complicated than what meets the eye. I'm extending my patience a bit more.. And give him another chance. And if I ever come out of this more beaten than I already am, I will make sure that I will not make room for regrets. I have made this choice and I will stand by it. And ultimately, I will just have to accept the consequences, including more pain.. I figured, I must have already reached the threshold of pain.. so more of it won't matter any more. So what's left to lose?

LETTING GO IS SUCH A PAIN IN THE ARSE

Without Me
Claire Marlowe

I had an inspiration to call you on the phone
To tell you I once loved you
There ain't nobody home
The night is cold and empty
Are you out there alone without me?

It's really for the better, that you're not in today
I shouldn't still be trying to talk to you this way
But I can't give up hope
You'll start to notice you're without me

Without me
How can you live without me?
My world is gone
You carry on
Without me

I've made my life fulfilling to take you off my mind
My head is always willing
My heart is not that kind
I'm the one who left you
You're the one who's fine
Without me

Without me
How can you live without me?
My world is gone
You carry on
Without me

Bridge:
Laugh if you want
You have no right
It was just like you said
I'd spend my nights alone
Without you

Without me
How can you live without me?
My world is gone
You carry on
Without me

MY SO-CALLED NIGHTLIFE
Midterms next week already!! Time flies so fast. I'm glad I did not drop this class. It's not as hard as I thought I would be, but still, I hardly have time to study for it.. But so far so good..

Had dinner at Cibo with one of my high school best friends.. I've been craving for pasta lately, and this is one of my fave pasta places... I love their Sphagettini ala Pescatore.. Yum.. After dinner we went to see Underworld.. It was a pleasant surprise because I was actually expecting a crappy B-movie kind of thing. But it majorly kicked ass. Kate Beckingsale is so dem hot in her leather outfit. Sobrang cool when she jumps down from a building then lands so gracefully. The movie is so dark, reminds me of Batman and Matrix movies.. The plot was gloomy as disturbing. Hatred is really so misplaced, and sometimes even war. And that people do crazy things for love. Like start a war. Like sacrificing your life. Or the life of others. Like defying people you care about. In that sense, I can relate. Haha. Scott Speedman was so-so in that movie but he redeemed himself when he transformed into a half-vampire, half-werewolf. Ganda naman pala ng combination eh, so what the hell where they fighting about?? Hehe.. All in all, the movie was entertaining, and I guess it will go into my list of DVD collectibles.

Side comment:: You will notice the number of movies I watch is directly proportional to my lovelife. The less movies I watch means, no boyfriends, husbands or what-have-you :) Wala lang. I just realized that when I remembered that the last movie I saw was, gasp, Noon at Ngayon. Hehehe..

Ok, back to regular programming. After the movies, we hung out at Dreambar.. I dunno, I expected it to be less noisy. More cozy. But they played house music. Which was nice, really, but I expected something different.. Maybe because it was a Saturday? Anyways, that place, no matter who owns it or what name it has, is still always full of foreigners.. And consequently, uhm, girls.

We walked to Bizu after that for a late-night or should I say, early morning dessert. Their cheesecake is heavenly (I love the mango cheesecake), but nothing beats Gourmet Cafe cheesecake talaga.. Greenbelt is still oozing with people. And Temple Bar is still the hottest hangout there. I don't get it.

We passed by V (when did it change from Venezia?), which also still has its regular pack. Wala lang. I just notice that place is always still so alive.

WHEN CRIME FINALLY HITS HOME...
You see crime reported in TV all the time. But somehow, even if you know these are real, you always seem to think, that won't happen to me or my loved ones. And then it does. And just like that, danger becomes so close and so real. And now, I fear for my safety even as I walk towards our dimly-lit office parking lot at night. I fear for my safety as I drive home everyday. And then I wonder, if I'm having so much trouble coming to terms with this tragic incident, how about my friends? And all I could do really, is to keep on praying... Please, please do offer your prayers for them..

Meanwhile, there are some things that needs to be done. My girl friends and I had talked about wanting to take self-defense and shooting classes even in the past. MB always told me it's better to be prepared. He wanted me to learn to handle a gun. And I always told him I'm a peace-loving person and guns are not the answer. But I'm seriously rethinking my position right now. Because I hate feeling so helpless. And I certainly don't want to continue living in fear.

SOME DAYS ARE JUST BAD LIKE THAT...
The last few days have not been so good. Today, my godson, got kidnapped! As I write this, I could only pray that those preys have not hurt him. And won't ever hurt him. I cannot even begin to imagine the anguish my very good buddy and his wife must be feeling right now. I feel so helpless. The world is just not safe anymore. It happened right in the confines of their home! How can people be so cruel like that? Please do offer your prayers for my friends, so that somehow their child will be back safely in their arms again sooner than later. I pray that they will keep their faith strong, and that comfort and peace find their hearts tonight.

* * * * *
With all these things going on, I'm even more determined now to stop being such a drama queen and focus on worthwhile pursuits. I've been so caught up in my own heartaches that I've almost forgotten to live, and to cherish my loved ones, the ones who love me unconditionally. Ironically, today, was the first time that I really felt that strength within again after such a long long time.. I finally told MB to get out of my life (not so harsh like that, but something of the sort) as he was causing me so much confusion and despair. Good ol' stubborn me kept on hanging on that thin thread called hope. But then, it's just time to let it go. So it did not work out. Life is like that. I still have it good, despite of that. For one, I am still alive. And I am free from any harm. My family is safe and healthy. For the moment at least. But then life's like that, too. We have to keep on appreciating every single moment we are able to breathe, and have the chance to hug our loved ones, or tell them we love them... because there might not be a next time...

NOW YOU WON'T CATCH ME WHEN I FALL
Rise by Gabrielle

I know that it's over
But I can't believe we're through
They say that time is a healer
And i'm better without you
It's gonna take time i know
But I'll get over over you

Look at my life
Look at my heart
I have seen them fall apart
Now i'm ready to rise again
Look at my hopes Look at my dreams
I'm building bridges from these scenes
Now I'm ready to rise again

Caught up in my thinking Yeah
Like a prisoner in my mind
You pose so many questions
Buth the truth was hard to find
I better think twice i know
That i'll get over you
Look at my life
Look at my heart
I have seen them fall apart
Now i'm ready to rise again
Look at my hopes
Look at my dreams
I'm building bridges from these scenes
Now i'm ready to rise again

Much time has passed between us
Do you still think of me at all
My world of broken promises
Now you won't catch me when i fall

Look at my life
Look at my heart
I have seen them fall apart
Now i'm ready to rise again
Look at my hopes
Look at my dreams
I'm building bridges from these scenes
Now i'm ready to rise again

WHAT AM I HOLDING ON TO, REALLY?
Sometimes I wonder, why I'm still holding on to my relationship with MB. Do I still love him? Or am I just feeling lonely? Do I just miss having someone to talk to at the end of each day? Do I just miss having someone to come home to? I've been trying so hard, not to believe things are irreparable between us. I believed we can still conquer our issues. I believed there was still hope amidst all the anger, jealousy and anguish. Because lessons were learned. Or did they come too late? Worse, was I, all this time, just believing an illusion?

Something snapped this weekend. It felt like a slap on my face.

Someone once told me he needed to be harsh to me so that I will finally see through the haze. I refused to believe him. In fact, I shut him out of my life because I knew all along he was right. And I didn't want to believe I was fighting a lost cause. But the ring that used to be on my finger has lost its meaning. And it has been lost for a long time now. I finally got the courage to remove that ring and tucked it away in the box that it came with, with the note saying "Know when the right moment is"... This time, the moment to let go has come. It is hard because I am afraid beyond words to face the realities of defeat, loneliness, sadness, betrayal and grief.

But really, I should be more afraid to continue living a lie and to continue to settle. I should be more afraid of losing myself and my dignity. I should be more afraid of shutting out the people who truly care for me. I should be more afraid of the slow death that all this pain is causing.

ON SECOND CHANCES
Came across this via my fave cardriver..

"The funny thing about second chances and the opportunity for redemption that accompanies is that you don’t know if you’ll ever get the chance to take them. However, if by some measure the universe does choose to favor you with one, then please don’t screw it up. "

Certainly food for thought...

(And in a parallel universe, a couple is happy celebrating 6 months of bliss).

GONE TOO SOON...
One of my colleagues died. He was 25 yrs. old. And while we were not particularly close friends, we worked on the same project and interfaced quite a lot. In fact, the last email I received from him, last Wednesday, was to thank me for closing an item which he was following up on for about a week. The last conversation we had was about that item, and I told him I'll do the best I can to influence my counterparts in our other sites. And today, I found out he's gone. Just like that. He was (still is) on my IM contact list, and I'll never see him logging in again. I can never make him kulet again to make a capacity analysis for me. He will never make me kulet again to give him all the information he needs to make his analysis. Or to flag me whenever my indicators degraded. We have not even really started up our project yet. But he left. Just like that.

It is just so surreal. And I'm beyond sad.

He wanted to push himself to the limits. And I'd like to think that he is happy now in a place where there are no limits, no targets, no misses, no deadlines.. Just bliss.

May he rest in peace.

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Elsewhere in my life, my relationship with MB is dying. Not yet dead but getting close. We're in the land of indecision, confronted with the reality that love just isn't enough. After so many tumultuous months, I learned so many lessons, hopeful they did not come too late. And I hope that what we have won't be gone too soon.

ALONE IN MY APARTMENT ON A SUNDAY BUT I'M ENJOYING THE MOMENTS OF SOLITUDE
Aw.. This pix absolutely broke my heart. Funny. NOT!!



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Last night was "Go Out for A Couple of Beers Night", in celebration of Octoberfest :) So there we were, Carrie and Miranda, sans Charlotte and Samantha, strutting down the streets of Malate. The thing is, we've already reached that *stage* where doing outrageous things are out of the question, so instead, we had the 3 C's - coffee, crepes and conversation.. Half a La Pinay later, we realized, our stories are becoming old. Is going home to an empty apartment really bad? Anyways, we struggled to define the relationship I have now with MB. But it seems Webster has not come up with a term yet. The closest we could think of is "estranged partner". Yeah.

We took a detour to a kink shop. Trip lang. Hahaha. The things I hope men don't really wear! Glittered briefs? There was a very interesting looking teddy, and maybe if things end up well with me and MB, I'll go back to that store. LOL!

Anyways, we ended up at Sidebar, listening to, ehem, 80's music. So very high school. And after that, the Cinderellas had to head home. Hehe. It's not that we're getting old. Really.

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Yesterday was my first day back at school. Technically, it was our second meeting but I missed the first one, in lieu of an important visit to family out of town. *wink*

Everything has been so crazy at work lately, and I was only able to read one chapter in our text, instead of the 4 suggested in our syllabus. 2 hours before the class, I was hysterical. For a brief moment there, I considered quitting school this term. That is, until the school registrar's admin told me that not only will there be no refund for my ~13k tuition for 1 subject alone, I needed to pay a 50 peso withdrawal fee. F* that. Those could have gone to my shoes, err, savings!! So, a very nervous comeback student finally got the courage to drive herself to school, ready to be lambasted by the prof. Fortunately, eng'g is my forte (and I use this term loosely), so linear programming didn't seem so alien. Did our seatwork in 10mins while the others were struggling with the equations. hehe. Yabang. But I was so relieved. At least, I was able to survive the second meeting. I just hope I can make it through the next 7 sessions.

-------------------
I told myself I have to keep myself busy so I won't have time to think about my lovelife problems. Bad idea. My calendar is super booked! Besides, I really do need to fix things in my life that needs to be fixed. Escaping the ugly realities just doesn't work. They always catch up and run you over.

I'M HAPPILY MARRIED
I opened my mail today, and this was the first news that I saw. An ex, whom I had a relationship with for almost 5 years, and who had not really gotten in touch with me since our very ugly breakup, finally sent his hello, in form of that bit of information. Does that mean he is no longer mad at me for causing him to throw away a $xxxx diamond engagement ring at an airport trash bin, because somehow, in our few months of struggling to keep our long distance relationship together, I had fallen in love, with someone else? Does he still ever think about that time when he was supposed to fly down to propose, instead, we ended up returning 5 years worth of gifts to each other (not my idea, btw)? Does that mean that after 3 years, he has forgiven me, and we are finally ready to be friends again?

Well, are exes really supposed to be friends after their relationships fail? Is that absolutely necessary? MB, on the other hand, was telling me, if we can't figure out what to do with our relationship, at the minimum, we should be best friends.. F* that. I don't wanna be just best friends. Not with the man I had loved (still love) with all my being. I can't deal with that transition. I'd rather that we move on with our lives, with no communication whatsoever, like me and my-ex-who-is-now-happily-married. If MB and I decide to throw in the towel once and for all, I'd rather that we just keep the distance, and pretend we never shared a home together or more importantly, shared a love that was so strong it shook our worlds. And maybe in three years, I can also open an email from him, and take his good news, with honest-to-goodness happiness for him or maybe, just not care at all. No pain. No longing. And even, no wishing for things that were not meant to be. Just a smile and a quick reply of "Good for you! Congratulations!".

As for my ex-who-is-now-happily-married, he deserves to be happy. He was a kind man who wanted to give me the world. But in the end, we ended up in two different worlds. Literally. And figuratively. And I'm truly happy that he has found that woman who fits perfectly in his world.

"Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn’t fall in love.. or be who we are. After all, seasons change. People come into your life and people go. But it’s comforting to know, the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you’re very lucky, a plane ride away." - Sex and The City