I GO RUNNING HOME
"People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears
And they don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around" - The Warrior is a Child

Sometimes I wake up crying... or fall asleep weeping.. Like an unexpected assailant, memories start flashing before me, at any point during the day.. tears just start streaming down my cheeks.. And I never want to tell anyone about this. Not even blog about it. If I weren't feeling too much of that pain tonight. It feels so fresh and raw once more -- the emotional abuse from my very own Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, the physical pain and trauma from my laparotomy, the psychological distress of losing something part of me and the thought that I may never feel whole ever again... all these things while I try to manage a team, manage my project, and the rest of my life. How I wish there is a shortcut to healing. If you see one, pls. tell me about it. Because, you know, I want to start 2004 with afresh and not feel so broken anymore. I want to make sure I don't allow things to fall through the cracks again. No more bouts of depression. No more of the ugliness I feel inside. And yes, I know, it's all up to me. And of course, strong guidance from up above. Without Him, I think I would have long gone fishing. Somewhere tranquil and pain-free. But He keeps giving me strength to go on. And with the help of those who love me and keep egging me on, I'm still here. Alive. Battered but alive.

And in a few hours, I'm running to my other home. Yey.

THIS MAY BE MY LAST POST FOR '03!
It wasn't a good year. Q1 I was in love, by mid-Q2, the emotional roller coaster began.... and I'm still on it. It's looping endessly, but I feel it slowing down.. Maybe.. Hopefully.

On the work front, things are not looking good either. I'm burnt out already. Tired from travelling 1.5hrs one-way, daily, at the minimum. The bosses continuously raised the bar. And I'm out of breath.

School, well, I did ok. Passed my finals when I thought I did so bad. Ended up still on the top 5 scores. Final grade not yet out, though, so am holding the tequila shot till then. But after one term, I had to stop to slow down a bit. And I dunno when I'll go back.

But then, amidst all of that, I still have my family. My friends stood by me. Cheered me on. Loved me.

So maybe 2003 wasn't a good year, but I am still loved. And in the bigger scheme of things, that is what matters more.

HAPPY HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!! MAY THE YEAR BRING FORTH MORE WONDERFUL BLESSINGS AND MORE LOVE TO US!

Cheers!!

DEATH BY WEDGE THONG SANDALS
Dalawang tulog na lang!! Finally got my tickets. Kaso, I could not get a flight back in time for work. Argh. Kung pwede lang wag na bumalik forever :p

Anyhoo, bought na my present for the 'rents. Always wanted to buy them this. Kasi frustrated singers kami lahat! Hehe. Me lang pala ;) I feel good na.. I know my dad, who sings really well, will be so happy!!

Walked around Greenbelt in my new sexy wedge thong sandals. After walking for almost an hour, my feet was failing on me na! It took all my strength to be able to make it alive in Landmark. Grabe, that was the longest walk ever. Sexy sandals nga, but they could have been the death of me! I bought the 1st decent looking flip flops that I found, immediately wore them after paying (dun mismo sa counter) and went back to my merry shopping :p

I really love wandering around by myself. I don't have to rush.. Don't have to worry about someone getting impatient because it takes me 10mins to decide on which flip flops to buy... I like dining alone. And I truly enjoy reading a book in a coffee shop, taking all the time I want. I stopped and bought bibingka and puto bumbong in Greenbelt park.. The chilly air feels so nice and comforting.. I love being anonymous in a crowd. Dedma to the world... And I love walking... specially, when wearing flips flops!! :p

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH
"I could bitch, I could moan
Say I want to be left alone
But that's not really true
Because I like my time with you

But I don't wanna get BITTER
I don't wanna turn cruel
I don't wanna get old before I have to" - Bitter, Jill Sobule

I don't want to become a bitter m*ther freakin' b*st*rd, is all i can say. Life is too short indeed. Too short to be spent being so angry at the world.

I've become his emotional punching bag. He is killing me softly with his angry and spiteful words .... his cold stance. While he's at it, I will continue to live my life as if it's my last. I will brush my tears, walk away, and keep moving forward. And yeah, finally go to my handphone provider to get that # changed. Don't ever re-add his email in the IM contact list. Auto-delete email. Just cut it all off. I don't have to take any crap someone wants to push down my throat. Not even from someone I still care for so much. And I certainly don't want to drown myself with my tears. ENOUGH NA!

And this is something for me to think about:

Are you holding onto things which God wants you to let go of?
Are you holding onto harmful or unnecessary partners, relationships, habits and activities which you have become so attached to that it seems impossible to let go?
Sometimes it is so hard to see what is in the other hand but do believe this one thing...................... God will never take away something without giving you something better in its place.

HOLIDAY MODE
I wish :) We're in a time crunch now at work and things are absolutely crazy. I had to call in to a meeting at a mall parking lot last night because the folks at work called an emergency meeting in the middle of my last-minute Christmas shopping frenzy! But, as for some good news, I managed to get most of the Christmas shopping done.. Whopee!

Anyways, we hung out in Aruba Bar and Resto in Libis for a while after shopping. I luv the place. So homey. Music is great. The DJ is so good ha. I enjoyed a lot, I added Aruba in my friendster list (speaking of, have a weird story to tell, bordering on stalking.. some other time, tho'). Haha. Pero talaga, parking is really bad in Libis. P50 for parking! deng. Traffic as usual. Hay naku. Anyhoo, is all good.

4AM, I was called for another crisis at work. Pain after the fun. So goes the story of my life. :)

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Random thought: I seem to be seeing Sylvia Sanchez (you know, the soap actress, former sexy star) around much lately. Saw her in Chef and Brewer a couple of weeks ago. And she was right next to me, looking at bargain deals at a tiangge last night. Hehe. Pero she's so pretty ha. I like that she acts so unassuming.

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Lyrics of the day:

"Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want" - She Will Be Loved, Maroon 5


Haay, wishing someone will sing that to me someday and mean it :p

Happy weekend, all!!

SPREADING THE HOLIDAY CHEER
Or at least I want to try. So I'm taking a break from the usual dreary posts. haha. Traffic is bad, malls (during the couple of times I've been able to squeeze in some shopping) are gravely overcrowded. And inspite of myself, I'm still feeling the love. The cool morning breeze reminds me it's December, and the smog as I drive to work reminds me I am home. I mean this is home for me, despite of the fact that i've been pretty much a nomad the last few years. And the thought gives me comfort. Lots of.

Even if I just had one of those gah-what-was-I-thinking moments. The wonderful promise of some karmic justice sometime soon, preferably in this lifetime, is more than enough to keep my spirits up. Well, even if it does not come in this lifetime, I still like the thought that things will just all fall into place as they should. Someday.

And back to trying to spread the holiday cheer - I actually no longer know how. I'm no scrooge but I've lost a lot of my bubbliness the last couple of years. Becoming a manager has made me a pariah in the office. My promotion, a scarecrow of sorts, specially to my former peers/friends. One of the prices I have to pay. In the relationships department, I'm pretty much a failure. So yeah. Cheery and sunshiny does not make me.

Yet, I try give the sunshine where it matters most. My family. And true friends. Those who most deserve what's left of what I have to offer since the world has taken so much from me. Ho-ho-ho. And in a few days, I'm going to hug my mom and dad tight, and talk with my bro and sis till wee hours of dawn. Maybe get together with long time friends. Shower all of them with tiny presents straight from the heart.

Earlier my bro was telling me, "I smell something fishy" (they're speculating, because my going home is a surprise). And I told him, maybe you have not taken a shower. Haha. A good friend will pick me up at the airport on Christmas eve so I can pull off the surprise. Meantime, another friend is going to get me one of those 128MB USB drives. It's on my (material) wish list. So, yey. I miss my loves.

Come to think of it, no matter how much was taken away from me, I still have way more than enough.

STILL MISSING SOMETHING
Or someone? I'm here now. Back "home", and yet I'm still feeling homesick. There's a party going on outside, and I've never felt more anti-social. I feel so restless. Feeling sad again. Eyes blurry, chest feeling like it's about to explode. I hate this feeling. I started going back to my archives. And a year ago this month, these were the things/people/places/etc that filled that box called memories...

NY - "I developed a love-hate relationship with it. I guess that's the lure of New York City. It's like that guy who's totally wrong for you. And yet, he is the love of your life."

" Flurries the night before Thanksgiving.. walking on the streets felt so magical :)"

"Watching the Flower Drum Song which starred our very own Lea Salonga (I liked it.. was funny, and yes, I enjoy being a girl :))"

"The subway rides.. Scary, creepy, wonderful. Creepy."

Best Friends - "Two weddings, just a week apart. My two best friends, both of whom I've known for more than 10 years now, have finally taken that step." (BELATED HAPPY 1st WEDDING ANNIV, MARK AND PETITE!! YOU GUYS GIVE ME HOPE!! :D PETITE - I MISS U EVERYDAY... SEE YOU SOON!)

"You guys are my benchmark. Pwede pala talaga. Relationships can work.. "

"We were still kids really when we met. We have fought and made up, grown up. Like I said, she has seen many versions of me."

Infatuation - "even if we're just a cube wall apart, has never directly invited me to any of the happy hour sessions with the locals here. Until yesterday. Wow. Progress."

Buttery nippples

"Went out with T again last night.. OMG. He is really so sweet. I take it back, crush ko na cya ulet. "

Christmas ship parade (Willamette River)

"But I was really feeling so cold and he noticed, so he offered his jacket to me.. I said no, but he insisted.. Was so kilig.. "

Marrakesh

"MY VERY FIRST .. try at baking.. Grabe na 'to.. I've never done this for anyone.. "


Fun - "The pub was ok and the band was good. They even played Marley. Galeng. Na-miss ko tuloy Xaymaca. "

"so we headed out to Red Sea, which is a reggae club. Galing, parang Xaymaca.. Complete with Bob Marley murals.. " (This is how much I missed Xaymaca.. hehehe)

Ghost - "It was hard to say goodbye to you, when everything reminds me of you.. Haven't heard from you for a while. And just when I have gotten to used to it, and accepting that it is all for the best, you come floating back. I'm done... shooting the moon. "

"He's like a drug that's so addictive. Or a bad habit so hard to break."

"For a moment there, everything was real...
You were here. You were mine.
We were one."


Christmas - "Yet another Christmas that I'm going to spend away from my loved ones. Who ever said that the third time's a charm?"

"Christmas has always been a time spent with my family as a reaffirmation of our love and support and togetherness.. I miss them so much na.. "

"I'M NOT DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS ....

I'm dreaming of the cool but not freezing December air.
I'm dreaming of my family and friends, who are all thousands of miles away from me. "

"Santa has not visited me since I was nine years old. But this year he did. :) "

NOTHING I HAVE IS TRULY MINE
"I haven't really ever found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it ...

While my heart is a shield and I won't let it down
While I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try
Well how can I say I'm alive

If my life is for rent..." - Life for Rent, Dido

I really hope someday I'll make it home.. where love lasts forever and vows are not made to be broken.. That place where though tears abide, a loving touch will wipe it away, and replace it with butterfly kisses or a warm embrace. That place where happily ever after does not mean two months down the road, or until your prince finds another frog to kiss. Until then it feels as if my life is for rent, and I drift from place to place.. Never really belonging anywhere.. Never really having something to call my own. And my baby is now somebody else's but I am all alone.. I thought I had you.. but between the cold, hurtful words and the paper that will finally get "it" out of the way.. I realize, nothing I have is truly mine.

INTOLERABLE CRUELTY
"Dismiss your vows, your feigned tears, your flattery;
For where a heart is hard they make no battery." - Venus and Adonis

This movie is another interesting satire from the Coen brothers (Fargo, O Brother Where Art Thou?). It's a story about two hardened, cunning people whose paths crossed as each tried to outsmart each other for money. Miles Massey is a divorce attorney who has a good reputation of winning his cases, no matter who was at fault or to blame. Marilyn Rexroth is your classic bottom-feeder, who plots to "gain her independence". Marilyn lost her case and everything she aspired for, and things went awry. What follows afterwards is a battle of the two people who, in spite of themselves, does have a solid attraction for each other. "Can I trust you?" This line is uttered quite a few times in the movie, highlighting our vulnerability when it comes to love. The mere asking of the question is an acknowledgement that no matter how hardened or disinterested we think we are, romance and love after all makes the world go around. Not wealth or power. And yeah, love makes fools out of us :)

I liked Fargo and Brother Where Art Thou more than Intolerable Cruelty, but probably because the story hits close to home, see.. :) But this is another good (Coen) movie. Great comedy. Wonderful actors (yeah, Billy Bob!!), and I can't help but look in awe everytime Catherine Zeta Jones graces the screen. I think she is simply the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Grabe. I'm crushing on her now. Hehe.

EVERYTHING WILL COME AROUND... IN TIME...
"Your vision of romance is cruel and all along I played the fool
All your expectations bury me...
But you take my words and twist them 'round
Til I'm the one who brings you down
Make me feel like I'm the one to blame for all of this..." - Perfect Girl by Sarah McLachlan

I've been feeling pain in my lower left abdomen since this morning.. Have taken a look at it and see if it's bruised, but I can see no outward signs of a wound or something.. By the time I was driving back home today, I can still feel the pain... And I wondered if it has something to do with my surgery.. Wow, that was five months ago already.. Time flies so fast indeed. Except for the scar that reminds me once in a while of that incident, I've not thought about that for a long while.. Till now. Brings back some painful memories. And yet, I'm thankful that I decided to go to the ER when I did. I was already hemorrhaging internally, and in critical condition. I'm thankful for my second shot a life, and for not dying on my family like that. I shudder at the thought had I continued to ignore the pain for one more day. And the thoughts bring me back to the present. My scar is almost healed.. Except for ocassional pain, I feel good as new. But today this pain is sending me another message. That I'd never wanna end my day with painful thoughts in my head, or without letting my loved ones know I love them. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, right? I want to end each day with a happy note.. So that if I should suddenly go, and if my family comes across my blog, they will know I went away thinking about their love for me.. And happy because of that...

I was on the verge of a relapse again today, because today would have been our 8th monthsary. And my thoughts started going back to everything that transpired the last few months.. Then I had to stop myself. I cannot keep torturing myself like this. I will have to learn to protect myself from the pain... and one of my good friends couldn't have said it better::

"Yes, time will heal those wounds but it will take a longer time if you allow the wounds to be bumped, burned and pierced while in the process of healing... you must protect yourself from yourself... minsan ikaw na ang sumusugat sa sugat mong di pa gumagaling... Trust me, after you let yourself heal properly and completely, you'll see a scar that will serve as a reminder of the lessons learned - and not of the pain you felt. "

LOVE'S A BITCH
Ain't it so? :) And that's exactly what Amores Perros is trying to tell us. The story revolves around three main characters Octavio, Valeria and El Chivo and the dogs in their lives. Octavio is a young man who falls for his brother's young battered wife. Susana in turn remains loyal to her lowlife husband.. Driven by his passion and desire, Octavio enters his dog into the violent world of dogfighting (man, I just can't stand seeing blood all over the movie), and used his winnings to try to win Susana's affections and to coax her into running away with him. It seemed that his efforts were going somewhere, until the night Susana ran away with her husband, Ramiro (and with his money). It was the ultimate betrayal from the woman he so loved and yet, he was in denial. When Octavio and Susana met again in the wake of Ramiro, all she could say was "You don't get it.. He's my husband".. And in spite of how dreadful that relationship was, Susana held on to her love for her husband, leaving out Octavio in the cold. In the end, it doesn't matter what you do in the name of love, what matters is whether the object of your affection returns the same affections to you. Otherwise, you will end up betrayed and alone.


The story of Valeria is another tragedy. She is a budding model having an affair with a married TV producer, Daniel. He left his wife and kids to be with Valeria and it was all a fairytale until Octavio's car crashed into hers. She becomes needy and lonely, defensive and angry when she became disabled. Things turned for the worse when her "son", a cute pup called Ritchie, got stuck under the floor for days.. Somehow this mirrored her plight, being imprisoned by her fate and she does not know how to get out of it. And the affair that started like a fairytale was slowly becoming a nightmare. The couple had angry fights, hurling hurtful words at each other.. the paranoia setting in.. jealousy.. neediness.. all the elements that is bound to doom a relationship.. And in the end, they lost it all -- Valeria's leg and her glamour job, Daniel's money due to the divorce and medical bills.. and all they have is each other, not even sure about their love for each other anymore. Their segment ends with that uncertainty, desperation and helplessness...

The last segment is that of El Chivo, who, years ago, abandoned his wife and daughter in the name of principles. "I wanted to make the world a better place so I can come back to you... as you can see I have failed.." Now he is just a disillusioned bum who lives with his stray dogs, full of regret for forfeiting his right to his only daughter who thinks he is now dead. One of the most gripping scenes is his phone call to his daughter towards the end of the movie, where he poured out all his pent up feelings.. And in the end, he was cut-off before he could say "I love you..." And sometimes, life is like that. You lose your chance with with your loved ones. And no matter how you try to catch up to make up for the lost time, it is never quite enough anymore. There are some things you can never quite repair or bring back...

The movie is wonderfully done. Except for the sight of blood in a number of scenes, I didn't mind sitting out all two hours of it. All the three stories are nicely intertwined and the cinematography is excellent. Plus, the actors in this movie are just perfectly cast. And I'm not saying that because I'm crushing on Gael (again).. :)

The stories are very dark.. intense and raw.. And if you're the type who likes happy endings, then Amores Perros is not for you. This is the kind of movie that will have you reflecting about your own losses and misfortunes when it comes to love and life. And if you're a desolate mood yourself, well, expect to get more depressed.. But this movie is one of the best I've seen to-date. Two thumbs up!

YIPEY, SCHOOL IS FINALLY, FINALLY OVER
Well, this term anyways. And I'm finally done with that blasted, evil subject called Quantitative Analysis. Hehe. I managed to come up with a final paper and presented it to class last Thur. What a relief! But it ain't over till it's over. Of course, I have two weeks (or so) before our grades are released. I've said goodbye to the goal of staying on the dean's list. Hehe. All I'm wishing for right now is a good passing grade.

In the meantime, my Saturdays are now free again... Yey! Or not. At 6AM today I got a call from work. I guess life nowadays is really not meant to be enjoyed just yet. And the conversation started with .. "I don't mean to put more stress into your lives.." Uh-oh.

Oh well. Won't let that dampen my spirits. With school out of the picture (temporarily, of course, I only plan to take this current term off), I have more time for work, family, and well, get through this personal life trauma of sorts. Somehow.

I still feel happy :)

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BTW, I'm kinda enjoying Friendster lately. After being on it for a couple of months or so, I've finally gotten in touch with old, old friends. Like people I grew up with. Even my elementary school has a connect list. And because of that, yesterday, as I was driving back home from work, I tried to recall my former alma mater song. "Colegio di mis amores... Inmaculada mansion querida.." No such luck. All those 7 years in school and it's only now that I'm wondering why our alma mater song was in Spanish. No wonder I could never get the lyrics right. Hehe.

Anyways, one such old friend was telling me... "Hey, **N** used to have to have the hots for you!".. Realization: Wow, he did? He was such a hearthrob back then. But then, key words: used to. lol. Those were the days.

TIME TO WAVE GOODBYE NOW..


"All the world just stopped now
So you say you don't wanna stay together anymore
Let me take a deep breath babe
If you need me, me and Neil'll be hangin' out with the dream king

Neil says hi by the way
I don't believe you're leaving cause me and Charles Manson like the same ice cream
I think it's that girl and I think there're pieces of me you've never seen
Maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen well..." - Tear In Your Hand by Tori Amos

If only things happened differently, these days we would have been counting down for 8th on the 8th… instead of counting down to goodbye.. But how times have changed drastically.. And now, the numbers 8, 14, 5, 27, 28.. Our lucky numbers are now, well, just regular dates on our calendars… Well, soon, anyways. As soon as the pain dies down.. As soon as the happy memories are tucked away somewhere safe, never to be accessed again.. Nowadays, what once symbolized the good and happy are just painful reminders of times soon to be forgotten.. I wonder how you are now? I forget. I should stop wondering. Your words still echo in my ears.. "For the last time, good luck to us both.." For the last time. Yes. So odd, considering how we once used to be so full of love for each other. What ever happened to that anyways? Not that it matters still. It all could have been an illusion or maybe a delusion. Who knows…

Haze all clouded up my mind… in the daze of the why it could've never been… so you say and I say you know you're full of wish, and your "baby baby baby babies"...All the world is all I am, the black of the blackest ocean… you don't know the power that you have, with that tear in your hand

IT'S BEEN QUITE A WHILE...
Since I've gone shopping!! Gawd, I've forgotten how exhilarating that can be. :p I've finally done some Christmas shopping out of the way.. I've bought some trendy polo shirts (ala F4.. hehehe) for the some of the men in my life!! (Hehe, my dad, bro and eldest nephew, that is...) I also ended up buying this cute white top and some majhong trinket for myself.. I tried not to feel guilty because, after all, it's been MONTHS since I've bought myself anything except food, you know, that doesn't count. And that new backpack doesn't count either bec. my favorite laptop bag was burnt by some car chemical in my trunk and I've been using it despite of the ugly holes, and people were starting to notice and tease me.. Huhu.. So you know, I had to buy a new one last week..