Thanks for the greets, everyone!! Needless to say, you've all made my day :)

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Today was a beautiful day. I was on my way to work in the afternoon and I realized I didn't want to waste all that sunshine. So sue me for taking a detour, but I think I was entitled to a "day off" since I worked my ass off during my birthday, since the 1st few hours till it ended. Well, except, the 5 or 6 hours I spent sleeping.

Wala, we went shopping. I now have a new Samsung V205 . Yipey! I won't be using it yet though because all this pre-paid BS is so freakin' expensive, and well, it's also expensive to get a post-paid plan because of all this credit check crap. :( Oh well, basta, I luv my new phone.. Soooo sleek!!

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For the 1st time after I've stopped going to the gym (because of my weird work hours), pinagpawisan din ako.. Grabe. Played badminton with one of my engineers and other friends.. Hay, glad I skipped work :D

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Speaking of my engineers, I was so touched when they organized a dinner thingie on my birthday (since I couldn't party nga :( ). It is customary here in the U.S. to treat the celebrant, so kahit Pinoy kami, they decided to follow that custom. And well, I had a wonderful time. They all told me how much they appreciate me as their bossing, and I knew they were not just saying that because finish na ang focal review :D Well, I've always said anyways that I'm so proud of my team, too. So we have a mutual admiration society going here.. hehe..

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As for MB, he sprung a lot of surprises on me on my birthday. A quiet candlelight "dinner" (actually, 2AM, after I arrived from work) that he prepared for me.. Then when I arrived in the office that afternoon, a huge heart balloon was waiting for me (and my fave chocolate.. hehe.. our memorable KitKat), with the words "I Love You" written on it for all my officemates to see... Eeek. Mejo na self-conscious nga ako eh.. Nakantiyawan tuloy ako sobra. :D Everyone was asking who my mystery man is.. And that night, another little box was waiting behind my laptop after dinner. Sweet.

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So, as I start another year in my life, all I can really say is how thankful I am to be surrounded by great people in my life - my family, my friends, my baby, my team... I couldn't ask for more, really.

And as of 8 minutes ago, PST, I'm officially a year older.

Now if only I could get this freakin' program to work so I could go home and get some sleep.

One of the perks of being a time zone away from home is that you get to celebrate your birthday twice. :D Sort of. Egad, really need to work on that blasted list.

Sometimes I wonder whether I'm taking myself for a ride, thinking this is all just another one of my adventures. That is a scary thought right there.

Gawd, am tempted to do a Carrie. Overwhelming is an understatement, if I have to describe what has been going on the past few weeks.

Is Joseph Hudson, the captured POW in Iraq, a Filipino?? He is only 23 years old. This WAR is so wrong.

Watched that Gilmore Girls episode when Lorelei was engaged to Max and her friends threw her a bachelorette party. Thought balloon: what if I decide to get married tom.? I won't be having that party. But then I realized, the last few years have been one hell of a bachelorette party for me. Guess I won't be missing much. :p

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"Are we there yet?"

"We're almost there but nowhere near it.." - Gilmore Girls

I like that. Kind of like where I am now.

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"A chance meeting with someone will quickly become something special."

Spent Saturday afternoon at Barnes and Noble with MB. We were reading the Year of the Goat forecast while sipping our Starbucks drinks. Amazing how both the Water Rat and the Wood Tiger had that same reading. We've always wondered why it was so easy for us to quickly fall in love with each other. How fate has brought us together that night at the stairwell. We had a great time reading through the rest of the pages. But we didn't need that book for us to know that we are going to have a bright tomorrow ahead of us. Together.

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Watched the Oscar's I recorded earlier. The show went well until some nuthead used his thank you speech minutes to say Bush is a fictitious president leading the country in a fictitious war. (Or something like that). I mean, ok, some of us hate this war. But man, that was just way out of line. And so not the right time or place.

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Thank God for fast forward.

Sometimes I wish life had that feature. Skip the minor awards and move on to the most important event. Because the minor awards are sometimes distracting, and well, not that interesting.

But I guess without the minor awards, the show will be boring. And the end, not as well-anticipated.

Yeah, guess it is a good feeling to be looking forward to something.

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And the winner is... "CHICAGO"!!!!

All that jazz!!

Loved it. Just loved it. And it was no surprise it won the Best Picture award. Not at all.

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Been feeling intermittent pain in my mid-back the last couple of days. I had a bladder infection beginning of March, and I have been to the doctor's twice since then. But they just keep giving me antibiotics.. Hope I don't have a kidney infection. Looks like another trip to the doctor is in order. :(

ITAGALOG MO!!!
I received this same quiz via email a couple of weeks ago. When I first answered it, I only got 21/100!! Grabe, taas pa naman grades ko sa Pilipino nung high school. At naku, baka ma-disappoint si Binibining Gaya dahil wala akong data retention.. :D Anyways, I just reasoned that since I'm a Cebuano, that must have been it.. Over the days, my baby and I got addicted to the quiz and fried our brains to answer more.. (In his 1st try, he scored around 60 na kaagad!!).. When we scored >85, we finally caved, so I called up my little sis overseas so she can help us out with a few more words.. And tada.. our score is now 95! Imported from Pinas.. he he.. We still don't know the Tagalog equivalent of "approach, benefit, sewerage, customs and instruction"..

Pero grabe ha, pamatid uhaw means refreshment and durungawan - window?? I would never have guessed that on my own..

WAR
Sometimes I want to slap myself for my apathy. Really, I want my fearless, activitist self back, but, these days, I just feel.. so helpless. Because what can I say? I hate war. I hate that it brings grief to my mom and dad because I'm not by their side, and though I'm not exactly in a war zone, they somehow think otherwise. Parents can be so worrisome, that way. I hate that civilians get caught in the crossfire. I hate that media is feasting on it like some predators feeding into the fear of those who watch in terror. I hate it.

But I think I hate it more that I am just sitting here in the sidelines, watching the news but never really listening to it. I hate it that I worry more about my lovelife, my career, my family, my nails that so need a manicure, more than I worry about this war. Because, at the end of the day, all I want is to be able to go home to my family, and give them a hug, and say, everything's going to get better. Because, at the end of the day, all I can really do now is to pray..

NOT EASY
Mulling over a big decision to make.. Life is not easy. If happiness were the only basis to all our actions, it would have been so simple. Him + Me = Perfect. But no. Life throws in a bunch of complications here and there... like physical distance, cultural differences, social responsibilities, job obligations, family duties and personal facts..

I do want to keep my guy.. Being with him seems so natural.. like it's always been that way. Like it's meant to be that way..

But it does not come easy.

THE BAD GUY
Since the last fight with MB, I've been doing a lot of thinking. I talked to some old friends to get a different perspective. And I realized what I had known all along. That in most of my relationships, I've been the bad(der) guy. Or gal. I still maintain, though, that I don't see it wrong to be liberated, independent, assertive, and exercising free will. But to be such, comes with great responsibility. Because overdoing it is bound to hurt other people. Whether you intend to or not.

I realize how so Sex-in-the-City my life has been, well minus the sex part, of course ;) But really, I've been in way too many sticky situations that is more than enough for this lifetime. And this time, I no longer want to be the bad guy. I also don't want to remain in that cage that I had unknowingly built for myself. I had always thought of myself as a free spirit, but I was never truly free. And I want to be free this time.

MB has been telling me how ironic it is, because all this time, he's been afraid he might do something stupid to screw up what we have. Not only because he's the guy, but because he has not been doing well in the relationships department. But no, he's been nothing less than wonderful. Even when we fight, we still manages to keep his promises. Like one time, he said he'll go pick up my groceries while I was at work, then we had a heated argument.. A few minutes later, the groceries were at my doorstep. Last weekend, he promised to cook adobo for me, and before he walked out on me, he managed to do it still.

So I've been feeling really stupid lately. Because if I don't exorcise all the ghosts in my life, I might end up without this great guy, who still managed to walk back in that door, despite of my repeated insensitivities. And yeah, he's in my kitchen right now, cooking arroz caldo for the first time in his life, because I just had the other two wisdom teeth extracted, and I could not eat solid food just yet.

Yeah, it's definitely time to retire my Carrie/(a little of)Samantha act. It's time to kill that itsy-bit of bad guy in me. Wish me luck.

HURTING
So what is happiness, without heartache, really? The downside to an intense romance is an equally intense fight.

E called me up again tonight. After I told him I am with someone once before. Tangina. And why can't I just tell him to f*ck off, anyway? So he was only asking about how my weekend was. Was it so hard to just tell him I didn't want to talk to him because #1: I no longer have any intention of ever hooking up with him, #2: I am so much in love with my boyfriend, #3: My boyfriend already told me a gazellion times that he was jealous of E and he didn't want me to ever talk to E again? Call me little miss nice, but since E didn't really call to ask me out or something, I didn't find anything wrong with having a short casual conversation with him, and thus, I couldn't really cut him short that quick. The worst mistake I might have ever made. MB walked out on me, told me to get my act straight. And just like that, he slammed the door shut. That is one of the saddest and most painful sights I'll ever see.

I just hope I'll see him walk in the door again one of these days. Else, I will never forgive myself for the rest of my life.

ANOTHER SURPRISE
Overwhelmed is such an understatement. I found a single long-stemmed rose and a card when I arrived home for dinner tonight. No one has ever treated me like I'm the most special being in this universe. I feel like a princess. A goddess. I feel so.. loved.

So this is how it is. This is what happy means.

Maybe that alternate reality exists after all.

ARE MY CARRIE DAYS OVER?

Carrie is so carefree and soo... single. I'm in some ways like her, though so many ways unlike her. At one point, I was beginning to think that I, too, have the same commitment phobia. Like her, I create a lot of ghosts in my life which haunt me and scare me off like crazy.

But this time, I really think it's different. How so? I don't know. I just feel it. It's been a while since I've loved like this, and maybe I never did. It feels good, scary, wonderful, painful, crazy, passionate, intense, torturous.. It feels so right. And certain.

Last night MB and I had a heart-wrenching fight. After we made up, I realized --- I do not want to lose this man.

MORE SIGNS

11. Buying ube ice cream.. Saraaaaap.. Reminds me of hot summers..
12. Pinoy hotdog!! Gawd, I miss those tender, juicy, red stuff..
13. Spicy fried sardines pulutan!!
14. Chocnut
15. Red chippy
16. Finally renting Tagalog movies -- Jologs (gawd, what was all that fuss about.. The movie was so blurry.. Andaming subplots.. And I'm confused why they called the movie - Jologs.. I ask myself now whether I really know what jolog means eh.. Mukhang hindi..); and Prosti (So cya pala si Aubrey.. Isn't she that girl from that soda ad? Konting dagdag, or something like that? As for the movie? Matti is usually good but the movie wasn't really worth the $3 I spent renting it..)
17. Dreaming of the white sand beaches of Cebu.. Naka-display nga yung sarong ko sa living room.. Malapascua, I miss you so!! :)

TOP 10 SIGNS THAT I'M HOMESICK

10. The first thing that came to my mind when we decided to drive to Vancouver, B.C. last weekend was - GOLDILOCKS!!
9. My $20 phone card lasting only for two weeks, instead of the normal 3 months.
8. I've been running around from one Asian store to another, looking for Purefoods corned beef.
7. Learning to cook sinigang!
6. Reading PDI and Phil Star almost daily now, vs., well, almost never..
5. Scheduling a trip to Aling Julie's to rent Tagalog DVD's (boy, I've got to know who this Aubrey Miles is, and what the fuss is all about)..
4. The first thing I asked a friend who just arrived from home was - ano bago showbiz chika? ;)
3. Buying two weeks supply of pan de sal from Canada (ang galing ni Aling Mary's!!)..
2. Being able to sit through one whole episode of GAME K N B? (In fairness, ang payat na ni Kris, but yeah, still the same irritating voice and kolehiyala English ever)..
1. Taping the daily episodes of Bituin and watching it religiously after arriving from my shift (~12MN, hanep, and I'm so kilig kina Melody and Josh ha.. he he)...

* And yeah, using Tagalog words in my blog.. Hehe..

AM I CARRIE?
Junnie asked: Is your name Carrie Bradshaw?

I guess to a certain extent I am. At one point in my life, I actually thought I'd really be an eternal single girl. But when I think about it hard, I know that I want something more. I want to take care of someone, to take care of a family, to have a better sense of purpose. And though it's too early to tell, I think that this time around, I'm going that direction.

But gawd, it's not without challenges. Last night, another drama unfolded. MB became so insanely jealous with E and ended up doing something really stupid. And E, without his knowing it, is making things worse. He called me up again at 1AM! What the ...?! I already told him I was going out with someone else. Why is he doing this???

SMALL WORLD
MB (my baby) and I were grocery shopping last night. As I was calling my baby to check out the pork cutlets, I saw E walking by. I stopped in mid-sentence and immediately turned away, walking towards the other side quickly. I dunno, I just wasn't prepared to have E and MB within armslength away from each other. Too awkward. And MB guessed who it was 'coz he said he caught E looking at me while I was calling MB "baby.."..

This wasn't the first time an ex and current boyfriend were in the same room together. Actually, it happened to the last four boyfriends.. Eerie how that makes the world seem too small. And no, none of them know each other. I'm their only link.

FAT TUESDAY
No flashing happened. Was home sick with some bacterial infection. Drats. At least my baby was there to take care of me. He makes me feel so safe. And happy. Gawd. I'm so content it scares me so much. I have to constantly remind myself not to run away...

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Monday night was a nightmare. I was hanging out with my baby at the apartment when E called me around midnight. He didn't even tell me he was in town. What a jerk. He called and told me he'll come over.. Just like that. I started to make an excuse. I was going back to the office. He asked me to come over his place then. I panicked so I said yes. And my baby heard every word I said. I wanted to hang myself then and there.. Anyway, I ended up calling E again and told him I can't go. But my baby was fuming mad. And I felt so utterly stupid. And confused. I thought I was over E. But I'd be dumb to jeopardize what my baby and I have because of some infatuation with a very unavailable man.

I need to think. Hard.