Last week just sort of passed by. Too much stuff going on at work – the only rest I could manage was lunch and yosi. I had to extend a few after work, and Wednesday night drinking session at Gov was a welcome stress-buster. If they say laughter is the best medicine, I’d say drunken laughter is tons better. Haha.

I was waiting all week for Friday night. After the volleyball game, I headed home instead of going to Tagaytay with the rest of the kids. Didn’t think I could manage the drive. Had dinner at Jeck’s instead since I dropped him home - yummy chicken curry and pork bbq from the store next door. I got home around 10PM, and R was due to arrive @ 11, so I had about 45mins to spare. I just cleaned up a bit, drank Lipovitan since I was lacking sleep the whole week.

Saturday was last summer hurrah/despedida party at the beach. After debating on whether to proceed to San Juan or not, we settled for Nasugbu because R’s brother was intent in bringing lechon as “baon”. I thought he meant like a few kilos, but when we dropped by at Mila’s, pakshet, it was one whole lechon. For a party of five, plus one kid. God bless him, but don’t know what he was thinking. We also brought pansit, the usual staple for parties and what not, stuff to barbeque, some chicken wings, lots of chicheria. I introduced them to my good friend Don Enrique as well. Had to drop by Rustan’s for that, and got ripped off for more than P200 apiece. Howell. Still much cheaper than Cuervo.
Nasugbu seemed like an interesting town, and even with the muddy sand and all, I would like to explore this town a bit more someday. We only stayed overnight, so didn’t really get to check out the town – the islands nearby, the tourist attractions, the local culture, etc… The whole beach strip reminded me of Boracay, without the powdery white sand, and the night life and restos. Ok, so I guess it shouldn’t even be compared to Bora. But I still liked the place, much more because I was with R. Naks. Hahaha.

We arrived past 6PM at the resort, and only had time for a dip in their pool, dinner and tequila afterwards. My biggest accomplishment was finally learning how to pay tong-its. Hahaha. Oh yeah, I’m like an expert card player now. First poker, now tong-its. Lumelevel-down ata. Wahaha. R was the first man down due to Don Enrique, so I was left playing with utol (whose wife and kid were already upstairs sleeping) and R’s nephew. We managed to finish about a couple of shots on the 2nd bottle, which is actually a lot considering it was nephew and me just drinking most of the stuff since utol does not really drink. I paced myself though, so no drunken girl tactics of any sort this time.

After about 4hours sleep, I got up at 8AM, and walked on the strip. It’s just nice to feel sand on your feet. But I had to stay away from the dry part, as the sand was just too hot. That’s another bad thing about dark sand. I wanted to go to Kawayan Cove via boat, where the sand is white, but sis-in-law was hesitant because we had a kid in tow. Didn’t push it. Another time.

We ended up playing badminton and throwing a Frisbee. In no time it was lunch, and we barbequed some pork, fish and pusit. Yum. We did end up throwing away most of the pansit the night before (by dawn, it was already spoilt), and we only ate about ¼ of the whole lechon. My dear brother, why?? Hahaha. There was just too much food. I couldn’t try and spill my I’m-on-a-diet line, sobrang sayang the food.

We resumed our Don Enrique session after lunch, sang some videoke and went back to the pool. Everything was all good until a little mishap just as we were about to call it a day. Nephew threw the Frisbee too high so I wasn’t able to catch it, and it hit one of the resort guests on her side. Mega nag inarte cya and she wanted us to pay her for potential cost of check-up/xray. Hello?? OA masyado. Bro flared up and told her they should just see a doctor right away. After making us wait for about 15mins (we saw her washing clothes, I think she was some kind of nanny), she finally resurfaced. Eh kung talagang she wasn’t feeling well and kung me fracture nga cya, dapat mega fly na siya to the doctor kaagad. Me oras pa cya maglaba. I mean, wtf.

Since this is like in the outskirts of Batangas, they finally saw a doctor in one of the nearby towns. Goodness. It took them more than 2hrs to do the whole thing and R was telling me even the doctor was amused at the woman’s pag iinarte. He gave her 10 pain killers, and I hope she drinks them all at the same time. When they arrived at the resort, she just walked away daw without even thanking R and bro for indulging her whim. Hay naku, mood killer. It was almost 9 when we left the resort. I took them to Magdaragat for a seafood dinner (gusto ni bro eh), and by the time we arrived, most of the places were closed. Buti na lang this place opened up again for us. Saya. Sarap the sinigang sa miso. Aguinaldo is a breeze around midnight, and I finally got home 2AM. Whew, what a weekend.

I did have so much fun, but on the other hand, I wish I didn’t gel so well with the fam. This is so hard. Sis in law was telling me, she never got used to her husband working overseas. And I told her I didn’t believe in long distance relationships either, not unless you’re married, so then you’re just obligated to want it and make it work. Short of telling her, this thing with R is still fairly uncertain. She did manage to reply that I’m about to go into an LDR as well, and I just sort of nodded.

R and I are opposites in so many ways. He’s the flip side to my serious nature. The carefree to my OC-ness when it comes to planning and organizing. He has no plans, no career path and he just takes it one day at a time. But the fondness I first felt for him when we were kids is much stronger now, and so ladies and gentlemen, I think I love him already. Insert sigh here.

He makes me happy. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile. And when I see him sleeping soundly, I know that I can wake up with him everyday. I was crying the other day because he was teasing me, and because I’m in that mood, tears just started to flow. He wiped every single one of them, which made me cry even more. Powtah, I’m reduced to such a lovefool, and I don’t like that feeling at all. It makes me feel so … vulnerable.

But everything with us just seems so natural, so normal, that none of the alarms are sounding off hard enough. Or maybe I just refuse to listen. I just want to give this a shot, and if it doesn’t work, at least I tried. We tried.

He is leaving in a few days. And then things will get back to normal in xyland. No more harried weekends. No more trying to squeeze all the memories in an invisible bottle. Only a big bad void. I hate that I know for sure that I will miss him so much. I hate crying silently in the middle of the night because I know that our days together are getting fewer. I hate the sound of our goodbyes when we part ways, even when I know I’ll see him again the day after. And I know I will hate it even more when I know that it will be long before I can feel his hand in mine again.

I just wish the people I love would stop going away for once.

Some things are sweeter the 2nd time around.

... two old lovers meeting up again after a decade
... friends rekindling their closeness after finding each other on Friendster
... another round of tequila
... giddy kiss
... taking another bite of chocolate (when you're on a diet)...
... Godfather II

But some things are better left alone. Like a summer hit of a movie*, that made Leo the man of every teenager's fantasy. Titanic sank. Leave it alone.

And most specially, never ever revive the theme song, in all it's POP reincarnation. Nampucha. Kairita.

*Warning: Do not click the link if your stomach is full. Chances of puking, HIGH! :)

Maybe I'm not ready for this, and you know it.
Maybe I'm too scared to tell you what I'm really thinking
It's not fair to stay together because of regrets we might have.
I don't want to fall asleep alone, but do I want to wake up with you?
I'm only trying to be completely honest.

So I guess this is the ending or a beautiful mistake.
And if we both agree that we shouldn't be together why does it hurt so much?
I feel like I lost my closest friend.
I don't want to fall asleep alone, but do I want to wake up with you?
I hope you're happy and completely lonely.

There I am standing all alone on Sydney Harbor Bridge.
And you know I would jump into the fucking ocean
if it meant I was truly capable of being satisfied.
Well I ever be?
Did I just give up the best thing I ever had?

I don't want to fall asleep alone, but do I want to wake up with you?
I hope you're happy and completely lonely.
I don't want to fall asleep alone, but do I want to wake up with you?
I'm only trying to be completely honest.

*Found this in my files. Not sure who wrote this, so apologies to the writer.

With R back home and all, Saturday seemed so, ern, lonely. I miss him. And he misses me. He texted me practically all day, letting me know what he's doing, and checking in on me because he knows I got my internet connection back and that I can get so hooked I'd forget everything else. It's cute how he knows me like that. And he was right to get concerned because I was practically surfing the whole afternoon. I'll do the "warehouse" cleaning tomorrow. He calls my other room a warehouse because all my stuff are in there - shoes, clothes, bike, books, magazines, more shoes.... It's a huge mess. It is intended to be my fun room. In time. In time. But tomorrow, I'll be content to just clean it up or I'm never going to hear the end of it. Hahaha.

Yesterday he told me to MMS him my pix. Naman, baduy. Dedma. He asked again today. He isn't kidding talaga. So I go indulge him, struck a (decent) pose, unshowered glory and all. Hahaha. High school ba ito?! :)

The thing is, I care for R so much. But right now, I don't want to be in a committed relationship with him. I don't want him to be just a part-time guy either. I want him but...

I have my reasons.

Sabi nga ni George "You can be with a person and be happy with them and not love them. And you can love somebody and not want to be with them. "

"Now that's frustrating, when what your brain tells you you want and what you actually want don't match up. It's exhausting. And, well, its complicated. But that's life. And life... sucks."

Exactamente.

--oo0oo --
Detour:: I sent a 911 text to Ali earlier. I already received my VS package last Monday and there's something that needs to be done in order for them to fit nicer. And that something is something I've never done before, EVER. Ali to the rescue. Powtah. Ang hirap pala. Hahaha. I spent HOURS (further delayed because I stopped and watched PBB when it was on) on this task. Gawd, I hope I won't regret this. All because of my VS stuff. Vanity always comes with a price.

Last night Van called me for an impromptu poker session at Ali's. Impromptu, at least for me, because after going out the last few weekends, I was looking forward to an early rest. As I was driving home that afternoon, all I could picture was my bed and pillows.

Though I said I'd go, I changed my mind as soon as I put down the phone. I had a bad headache, and still sleepy. R had texted earlier from back home and had told him I was tired and needing rest. He checked in soon after Van called, and told me to go to sleep and that he was going out his with barkada. That set off the manic "girlfriend" in me. Shoot. I don't trust his friends. They are cheating b*stards. Most of them are married, and they have girlfriends on the side. Though they have been consistent in telling me that R has always been the good one. Even R tells me that's just not his thing. But, well, argh. Speechless.

Oh yeah, what's with this girlfriend attitude? We are not together. Why am I feeling all this? As Van said - You have crossed the line. Cross, I did. Packshet. I finally drank one Lipovitan to fight away my sleepy state, and headed off to Ali's, with po-ot (as Jay called it). What is going on with us? More importantly, what is going on with me????

They were rounding up their poker session by the time I got there (after I got stuck in traffic, and made a wrong turn.. hahaha.. just not my night). Jowell was in third place at that time, and as soon as he wore his poker-face shades, his luck turned, and even ended up beating Bene. Hahaha. What an upset. Galing. Must have been Jowell's never say die attitude. Or the shades.

We threw a frisbee afterwards, and it was humid, so I got sticky pretty fast. When we all settled down, Van suddenly raised a hypothetical situation. Interesting perpective from everyone. I'm just happy to note that our guy friends are a good bunch :) We're definitely in good company. As for the girls, well, I can always trust them for sensible advice. Great discusion, and good chicken afterwards c/o Erin :)

By 2AM there was just four of us left standing. Some FinMan discussions on the side, we still continued the hypothetical discussion. The key takeaway for me was, when in doubt, clarify. And know what you want before asking others what they want. And as Ali said "We just have to shed a tear or two to see things clearer."

Time to do some hypothetical crying. Hehe.

Guess I'm not that over you. If you loved someone with all you've got, it's hard to say when over is really over. Your name appeared on my cellphone, after so many long months. I was in the middle of a meeting, with my manager and my engineers in the room, and I didn't know if I should pick up the phone. You rang me. I didn't even get to know why. But the reason didn't matter. It made my heart skip a beat. You used to do that to me easy. Now I know you still do.

As I excused myself and slipped out of the room, M told me - "If that's your boyfriend, you can pick it up." Thought balloon: M, remember my bad boy? This is him.

I heard your voice for maybe 3 seconds. I went back to the room with a small smile. You still make me smile. And I hate myself for it.

Izzie: You have to do it for me or else I will never be able to forgive you.
Denny: For dying?
Izzie: No!! For making me love you.

Still pensive at the end of the week. Not good. When I go into thinking-too-much mode, it’s the scared girl in me taking over. Historically, this mode is also equivalent to my self-sabotage mode. So hard to break the pattern. What is it about love and being in love that makes us so scared? Either I put an invisible shield to mask what I really feel, or I run away.

--0o0--

Office folks found my blog. Not just any office folks – my former “kids”, whom I worked with constantly (and still do, actually). OHMIGOSH. Good thing Ruben clued me in. They found me through google. I wonder what on earth they were looking for to have been led to Dose?? Ruben wouldn’t tell. My sitemeter is no help either since I lost my password and the email account I used to open it. It’s been that long. Hahaha. No worries, I know they’re too busy resolving yield issues to find time to read my loonnnnngg entries, right, Allen? ;) Hahaha.. There, shout outs to my two kids. Hopefully, there isn’t more. Please keep this mum… Please!

--0o0--

So if I don’t want to be found, why blog? When I started blogging five years ago, I didn’t have any pen names. My blog was intended to update friends and family from all over the globe on the goings on of my life. It was just too tedious to write to them individually (yeah, tamad. Hahaha). Over time, though, I realized putting yourself out there is such a huge responsibility. I gained some readership and people got attached, and it was like my life was way too open, for anyone to take some pieces of it apart. Sometimes, people think that you are what you blog. But there’s more to me than what I write. I’m not an animated character. I’m real. So I moved to another URL, this time blogging semi-anonymously, leaving behind most of my blog friends and readers. I wasn’t naïve enough to think I will never be found, just didn’t think my kids would find me.. The powers of internet for you, right there.

But all is well. I trust my kids. Hahaha. Right, Ruben and Allen? :)

--0o0--

Watched GA’s season 2 finale last night. Losing my Religion. Or letting go of the things that you’ve held on for so long. All I can say is, GA is one of the best series ever to hit television, next to SATC and Friends (for me).

I don’t think anyone who watches GA will say they couldn’t relate to the situations or characters, at least once in a season. Maybe that’s why it’s such a hit. It’s like seeing flashback of some parts of your life. They say truth is stranger than fiction. But sometimes, fiction comes so close to the truth and forces you into thinking-mode.

So I blame my end of the week pensiveness on GA. Hahaha. Damn you, Cristina. I know you oh so well. You’re the girl who puts up a shield, appear strong and stoic, but everything crumbles because of love. And when it does, you run away. Turn your back on the ones you love. Leave them hanging, clueless, not knowing what hit them.

Takes me back to one of the greatest loves of my life. (Yeah, I too have been loved and I am grateful.) “Why are you hot and cold? Why can’t you just love me, or not love me. Choose one. Because it’s so hard to keep figuring you out”. And I chose. To walk away. Because I was scared. I loved him too much and I didn’t want to get hurt. News flash. I did get hurt. Not only that, I hurt him too. And a few other people around us.

And still I continue to run.

Why do I run away? I don’t know. Maybe someone just needs to run after me.

Monday was mall day for the housemates and neighbors again, this time, minus Jerk. This is becoming a weekly thing already, it’s almost scary. I’m, ern, assimilating! Hahaha. In all my 9 years of working here in the far away land of lalala, I never did succumb to buying a place here. I’m 80% city girl. The silence is too much for me. The 20% promdi lass in me tried living here, many times. After several housemates and apartments, the longest I would ever stay was maybe 2x per week, and by the 6th month, I would give up altogether. Back to the city for me. Since the two malls were constructed some 3(?) years ago, I’ve probably visited each of them less than 5x. Until the last couple of weeks. We’ve become mall rats. Yuck. Hahaha.

When I was living in my Makati apartment, the greatest perk was that the mall (and my school) was less than 5mins away. If I wanted to party on weekdays, it was no sweat. I could go to Ortigas, Timog, Makati or Malate in no time. Now of course, I’ve lost my party groove. I’d rather really just sleep as soon as I get home on weekdays, sleep in on weekends (if I could). And occasionally hang out with friends. Perhaps that’s why living here in lalala land does not seem as bad as it used to be. I don’t crave the lights and the sounds like I used to. The alcohol, of course, is another thing altogether. Hahaha.

The only downside to living here is that after being used to having just a couple of hours to spare before sleeping time comes, now we’re done by 4 or 5PM, and we constantly have to look for creative ways to amuse ourselves. Gym, Frisbee, badminton, Tagaytay, mall trips, massages, salon trips, poker, drinking sessions… All of which involves moolah. So, add the little nightly expenses here and there, and there goes your weekend gimik budget J

And going back to our mall day, it was not as eventful, except that I missed Jerk, incidentally our resident driver. Hehe. I was forced to drive. The highlight of the night was when Van did a little stunt in the parking lot, minutes before we were supposed to go home. She flew down a couple of steps off the stairs (slippery because of rain), and the rest of us were too shocked to do anything. The whole scene brought me back to the Eugene Tejada incident last Sunday. Was watching the Red Bull vs Purefoods (who got incidentally beat up) with R and we saw the whole thing. He was lying still for about 40mins before the medics arrived with the proper transport apparatus. All I could think of, damn, this is the kind of medical attention we get here in the Philippines. That was with the whole country watching, even. Sad, really. Sadder that the poor cager might have to suffer the consequences gravely, maybe never even play basketball again.

Good thing Van is ok, albeit she has some bruises. And she’s back to her usual bubbly, kiti-kiti self. Hehe. Peace.

Oh yeah, one of the reasons we headed out to the mall was because my cellphone charger conked out on me again. This is my third freakin’ one. Huwaaaaaaaay??!!

And I would just like to add (albeit in a totally unrelated rant), that SMART BRO (formerly SMART WIFI) SUCKS!! I lost my internet connection for almost a month now. They lost my record when I first reported the incident. When you call the technical support, all they tell you to do is ipconfig release/renew. I can do that on my own, thank you very much. And when they told me they wanted to do the debug again, I vehemently said, HELL, NO. That is freakin’ bullshit, and all I want is for your technical team to come to the house, because you told me that there was no problem with my connection to your base station when I first called. And just because you are lousy in keeping records, you want to waste my time. Yet again. HELL, NO to the nth power. So, now, after four weeks, they are finally going to the condo. Let’s see how much waiting I’ll be doing on Saturday. Based on previous experience, it takes them one whole day before they come. They expect their customers to be just lying around and do nothing on a Saturday. If I had known better, I should never have gotten myself into this mess. Let me say it again. Smart Bro/Wifi sucks. Don’t make the same mistake.

(Whew. Totally rambling in this post. Hahaha. Must be the hunger pangs :))

“Cuz it's always raining in my head
Forget all the things i should have said
So i speak to you in riddles
Cuz my words get in my way “ – Epiphany, Staind

Storm Caloy has passed, but it’s still raining in my head. It must have been the change of weather last weekend. Or the long conversation with my baby sis Sunday night. Or the steady weekend I had with R - it was way too calm, way too comfortable.

The rain and the wind was a welcome change after weeks of intense heat. Not only does it mean no more 4-digit electric bills, it practically forced us to slow down, sit still, if you must. We did go out Friday night. Caloy was raging in other parts of the country while we were enjoying a little bit of reggae in Xaymaca. Brownman Revival rocks, as usual. The crowd was up to the brim, as usual. We enjoyed each other’s company like it was our first date, as usual.

I actually loved the weekend weather. Soothing, almost, punctuating the giddiness that I still feel. That weekend was picture perfect: of a couple in love and who’ve known each other a long time. Only the truth couldn’t be much farther than that. And my Sunday night conversation with sis just rained on the parade.

The world is not just about the two of us. And I cannot fault my family for their concern. Since the Ex incident, they have been overly protective of me. They know me. They know I fall too fast. They know I get irrational when I’m in love. Must be the Aries in me. Fiery. Impulsive. Passionate. And they know I have a pattern of falling for bad boys. Yeah, R is another one of ‘em bad boys. The boy from the other side of the tracks. But this I can say with certainty, he cares for me deeply. Too bad that in the real world, that is never enough.

These thoughts have shifted me from giddy to pensive since yesterday. Last night, I asked him if he knows what we’re doing, if we’re just playing. Part of me wished that he would say that we were. The other half wished that he would say we weren’t. The first answer would mean I don’t even have to think about all this anymore. The other answer would tell me to fold in order to avoid the collateral damage. Either way, neither answer is easy on the heart.

His answer: “What do you think?”. Argh. I hate it when my question is answered by another question. And so I said, let’s call it a night. It was past midnight and none of the answers running through my head were pretty.

It always seems to end this way. If something is so right, then why is it so complicated? Love really should be so simple and easy. Am I wrong to believe that? Am I too naïve? Too ideal?

Ironic how after all this time, I’m still clueless.

Yesterday, housemates and neighbors went out to the nearest, ern, mall. Our agenda: get some house items, eat and get our nails done (for the girls).

Since we are on econo-mode due to our planned out of town trips in the upcoming months, we decided to try out Barrio Fiesta’s eat-all-you-can merienda for P90. All I can say is, there goes my diet. Yet again. Argh to the nth power. Dieting and saving never goes along well, unless you are on hunger strike. All the diet foods are more expensive, plus all the gym fees. Do not even get me started on my two gym memberships that all went down the drain (almost P100K, f*ck!).

Next stop: house items. Monday is cleaning day so we decided to grab stuff we need for that. I also went grocery shopping for the condo since I could never squeeze that in my weekend sked. The last two weekends, I would have my 1st (and sometimes, only) meal by 2PM, ‘coz that’s when I’m out again, after a long night ;)

Next stop: nails. Ern, side trip to the shops. Lhasa has some cute shorts for the thin-legged girl. Nampucha. Meaning, maglalaway na lang ako. Dieting haunting me again. I wanted to puke out all the pansit I ate. Hahaha. Ali and Van went on shopping spree. I tried, but couldn’t find anything I really liked. And here we were thinking we were impulse buying, when, in the middle of trying on clothes, housemate Alan called to say he bought a phone. Phone? What phone? Turns out his impulse buy won against all the impulse buys that day. A 16K spanking new phone. Wahaha. Alan’s look of bewilderment at his own, I shall call, error in judgment, was priceless. I gave it to him until before we slept. Hahaha. Sarap asarin. There’s goes the Bora budget. So, it’s officially goodbye Bora in October. Not that I’m having a heartburn over that. I want to go out of the country sometime. Need to save up for that. Australia or Singapore. Basta out of the country.

I also tried to find the diet pills recommended to me: zhen de shou. Pero migosh, wala. If anyone knows where to get that, tag me please!! I’m on desperate mode. I have 3 months left to be picture friendly in CDO.

So we finally got to the real agenda: nails. After going around at least 5 salons – WALA. Wala pong pwede gumawa. Cut-off na po. Josko, eh the mall was supposed to close @ 9PM, and it was before 8. Letch. Ayaw nila ng customers. Sige, sulatan namin mga managers nyo. Hahaha. Hay naku, welcome to the probinsya :) We raised the white flag on the nails, and continued looking around. Wait, nasan na ang boys?? Nakaupo sa isang tabi. Alan, probably still berating himself for buying a new phone when he didn’t really need it yet, and Jerk, looking at us in wonder. Bakit ganyan kayong mga babae? Di napapagod maglakad kapag shopping? Hahaha! Talent yan, my dear housemate. It takes so much effort for us to hop on a treadmill, but just say the word SALE, and we can walk non-stop for 8hours. No kidding. Hahaha.

We got home shorting after 9PM, and all beat. This is the first time I completed my 4 days here at the apartment. Kudos to me. Hahaha. I’m excited to head back to civilization. I love Fridays. Don’t you? :)

I’m not the most thoughtful person in the world, so when a friend does something nice out of the blue, it just makes my day. Especially when these are friends I hardly even keep in touch with.

Friend #1 – Soon to be ex-officemate, erstwhile crush. A good friend of my good friend. He’s leaving the company soon, and moving to a greener pasture in another country. He saw an opening in his new company that seemed to fit me and he went out of his way to call me last weekend to inform me about it. #1, we didn’t even exchange numbers so he just got it in the phonebook. #2, it’s very timely. #3, that was just really sweet.

Friend #2 – Former officemate, erstwhile crush. Hahaha. Coincidence is sometimes, funny, ain’t it. He is my kumpare (we’re godparents to another officemate’s child), but weren’t that close either. Since he left the country, I haven’t heard from him. Till I got a chocolate bar from him, which he gave through another officemate whom he met a few days ago. I was pleasantly surprised, to say the least. I only knew one guy with that name and it didn’t occur to me that it would really be him, because, well, it’s been so long. Nice to know friends from far away still remember.

My two friends made me think about whether I have gone out of the way for someone whom I wasn’t really that close with, and made them feel good, too. I mean, I always go out of my way to be kind and nice to close friends, it’s almost obligatory. But how about the people who just sort of passed by my life? It’s something I definitely want to pay forward.

Amidst whatever problems, bad relationships, shitty jobs, and what-have-you, little gestures from people we hardly know certainly brings that warm feeling we need to get through the day.

Another harried weekend. Weekend McFlurry, I call it, as we (yeah, there’s a we for now, sort of, hahaha) were caught in another flurry of activities. Extra joss doesn't do anything for me anymore but the endorphins are taking me a little bit further. Naks. Hahaha.

Friday was MI 3 date. Had to bail on the friendships, but I know they fully support me. Hehe ;) I’m not a Tom Cruise fan, and his huge brown eyes freak me out, which unfortunately distracted me throughout the movie. But, Tom Cruise or not, I loved it. And like most everyone else, I also now want to be an action star or a field agent with cool gadgets. I also hope that adrenaline injections are real, because I totally need some right now.

Malate, still one of my favorite places to go, was up next on the agenda. I love watching the mélange of people – different social standings, cultures, genders; name it, you have it. We decided to try the street bars (or so I’d like to call them), with front row tickets to people watching. A 12yo kid approached our table, selling peanuts and fish crackers. R was being his usual hilarious self and just horsed around with the kid, whose name turned out to be Jordan. Jordan obviously enjoyed all the banter, and decided to grab a chair and join us. Laugh trip. We were in the middle of a serious conversation before he came, and that totally broke the moment. Jordan was makulit, albeit adorable. His huge innocent eyes were so sad that it made me want to curse his parents for taking his childhood away, and putting him out on the street to work, in the middle of the night, in a dangerous vicinity. Insert sigh here.

Shortly after Jordan left, R revealed something to me. We have been revealing bits of important information about ourselves to each other, in piecemeal fashion. To take away the shock, I guess. Whatever he told me was definitely a big deal, but it was not a deal breaker. But it’s something we will have to talk about again, definitely, if what we have becomes more serious.

Saturday we went to see one of his best friends. We just lazed around all day, and just talked. Later in the night, more of their friends came, and the inuman session started. I didn’t join in, just because I’m trying to cut down on alcohol - it totally defeats all my calorie-counting activities. One light beer is about 105 calories. And who stops at just one? :p

Sunday afternoon we went swimming at the pool with his friends. This time, because it was such a nice day out, I couldn’t resist the beer. Bad. I stopped counting after my 2nd beer. Much too depressing. After all the dieting on the weekdays. Argh :)

His best friend was telling me how he already knew of me, long before we met. R told him about me a while back. Hmm.. Interesting. I guess our little summer special friendship way back did mean something to him as well. Kilig. Hehe. R didn’t let his best friend say anything more than that. Oh well. At least I now know I didn’t just imagine that connection I felt then.

R introduces me as his wife, trying to be cute, and it is, but really, I’m taking it slow. Steady lang. My last whirlwind romance bit me back in the ass so bad, it still hurts up to now. I like that R and I are getting to know our older and mature versions now. I learn more and more about him through the people close to him, through his revelations, and just through the little things he does when we’re alone with each other. He is definitely not perfect, but my feelings for him are real and getting stronger. He is so kulit sometimes, and as pikon as I am, he constantly tests my patience. So far, I’ve learned to stretch it more and more and that’s a good thing. He can also stand my moods and kaartehan sometimes. Being with him, I go back to being that girl who can hang out with anyone. I used to be able to do that easy. That’s what being a student politician teaches you. He gets irked by my knack for losing things, being as disorganized as I am when it comes to my stuff. He has a tendency to become a nagger – he has to repeat something, especially when it comes to correcting me. We both have that nagging tendency, so it kind of wakes us up both, and it taught me to be patient enough to listen and then tell him that I already got it the first time around. And then he would grab me and kiss me on the head or forehead, as if to say sorry. So is all good. :)

Even this early, we’ve done away with all the sugarcoating, and given the little time we have to know each other face to face, that’s just how I want it. I’d rather that we really get to know each other now, than going through the pa-cute phase, only to find that we don’t really gel together in the end. Sayang the emotional investment.

So are we together, together? Not quite yet. But if all the signs and the things I’m seeing are right on the money, it’s definitely a big possibility. A welcome one at that :)

I’m taking a short pause. Breathe in. Breathe out.

Aussie finally surfaced. He had been calling me at my old number. So yeah, he didn’t get the new one obviously. I know I gave it to him a while back. Anyhoo, I’m just really glad that he’s ok. We talked for a little bit, and we were laughing. But after we put down the phone, damn, tears started to fall. I don’t know why I started crying. It must be the time of the month. Maybe I was sad. Maybe I felt guilty as Van said. Maybe I just miss him. I really don’t know.

He still doesn’t know if he can make time to meet me tonight. I’m thinking if I don’t see him, then that’s really the way it was supposed to be. We have been talking about his visit for so long, and yet things still got screwed up, right? That’s fate winning, right? If I do see him, I’d give him that hug I forgot to give him when he first left. Goodbyes are so much sadder when you can’t even say to the person who’s leaving that he means a lot to you. And no matter what happens in the future, I just want him to know that.

“Sometimes, despite all your best choices, and best intentions, fate wins anyway…” - Grey's Anatomy

And so it seems that fate intervened this time around. Aussie is a no-show. Still haven’t heard from him and I could only surmise that it’s one of three things:

#1, He changed his mind about meeting me on his short vacation,
#2, He was not able to capture my new cellphone number or
#3, uhm, well, I just hope he’s ok and he better have a good explanation for going MIA on me.

Aside from being a little worried (this is totally out of character, I mean, just disappearing without a trace), I am mostly relieved. I don’t really believe in signs, but it looks like fate saved me from having to make a choice. A choice that I already made anyways. (Insert sheepish smile here). And to add to that, R’s flight back has been delayed up to maybe 1 month. Yey, fate! ;)

In other news, things are more fun around here at my other “home”. Played ultimate Frisbee yesterday with the housemates, neighbors and DJ J Well, let me just say, packshet. I used to be able to run. Now, I just pant and puff, and drag my legs with all my might. Hahaha. Not to mention I never did have some good wrist strength to begin with. So in other words, loser pa mag-Frisbee. But I don’t let incompetence stop me from having fun. Hell yeah, I had so much fun. I played soccer football way, way, way (you get the picture) back, and one of the reasons I loved it was being able to rough it up “legally”. Hahaha. I guess Van and Ali can relate. Di ba ang sarap mang bangga ng ibang tao, kahit malayo naman sa inyo ang bola? Hahaha! And DJ, forward kasi ako dati, kaya di ako sanay sa back :D This might just be my new addiction, next to biking. Time to save up for those outfits. Sana lang we can find a place to play where the grass does not hold us back from running. Nangangagat ang grass! Kakaiba evers.

After the game, we had a dinner of buttered (bad) veggies (good) and tuna (for me), chicken (for housemates and neighbors). Yum, yum. We are now the new calorie-counting-health-buff-wannabees. And speaking of calorie counting, did you know that vigorous sex (for 3 hrs), only burns 356 calories, but one hour of Ultimate Frisbee burns 428? So I guess we have chosen the right addiction. Wahaha!

So there was a little drama after all over the weekend. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Goodbye is coming sooner than we would have wanted. That’s probably why we’re trying to pack in everything with whatever time we have left. We met up Friday dinner time, and parted ways early Sunday morning. There was a whirlwind of activities in between – including meeting up with his friends, more conversations, but none on his upcoming trip. It’s an unspoken agreement, I guess, to just enjoy the moments as they come.

We were supposed to see each other Sunday afternoon again. But some changes in plans. He wanted to see me instead on the dates I agreed to meet up with Aussie, as he had some family obligations to take care of before then. His brother would arrive from the States on Labor Day. I took this as an opening to stage a fight. I needed to choose, and didn’t know how. So this was where the drama part happened. It was my way out. (Or, at least, I thought so). I must have rejected more than 20 of his calls that day. I finally muted my phone at 10PM, and decided to sleep early. By morning, I read some of the messages that came after I put my phone out of commission. And one of them left me, ern, speechless. He said the L-word. Argh. I’m not ready for the L-word. This is just all too much, too soon. By then, my little drama hour already backfired on me. I felt so guilty about giving him hell for something that wasn’t really a big deal. And I surely didn’t imagine that would coax the L-word out of him. Gah.

So, after asking about the Labor day bike plans, I made my peace with R, said sorry for acting crazy. I also decided to skip the bike ride altogether. I certainly was not in the mood to torture myself physically, given the emotional torture I was already putting myself through. He called me around 8AM, and invited me to join the welcome party for his brother. Uhm, not exactly the solution I wanted, but glad that the dilemma was resolved. I got out of having to say no to him, not knowing whether to tell him the truth or not. I got my easy way out. But why did I still have this nauseous feeling?

The party was at dinner, so I took the opportunity to clean up my wardrobe during the day. The pauses were spent thinking about Aussie. He still hasn’t called. And the truth is, if we didn’t have a prior agreement long before I saw R again, my heart is telling me to get out of our “date”. People tell me he’s probably just going to surprise me tomorrow. Unfortunately, that is a big possibility, knowing him.

Dinner time came, and so did meeting R’s family. I met his brother and parents for the first time. They were very nice to me, it actually made me even more uncomfortable. His friends were there again, so I didn’t feel left out at all. His mom’s brother in law was sobrang laugh trip. He was already tipsy, and he started interviewing me. He asked how R and I met, where I lived, who my parents were etc. The funny part was that his eyes were on R and I almost the whole night. Everytime R and I would look at each other, talking with our eyes because there were lots of people around, he would call it out. “Oh, eyes to eyes na naman kayo. Parang me ibang meaning yan. Matinding pagmamahalan”. Hahaha.. Or “Oh, R, bakit nakahawak na naman ang kamay mo ha...” Or ”R, siya na ba ang iyong diwata?” And when we were eating, susubuan sana ako ni R. When the food was midway to my mouth, uncle caught us and called it out again. Laugh trip talaga. The whole thing wasn’t at all bad. But I was so nervous. Dalagang Pilipina ang dating. Hahaha. R brought me home after midnight, but we stopped by for coffee on the way home. Still more talking. Yeah, we talk a lot. And I like that. And I also like that he makes me laugh a lot. It was almost 3AM before I finally managed to catch some zzzzzzzzz’s. And hour and a half later, I was up. I packed my clothes for the dorm, and left for work about 2 hrs later. Hehe. I went back to bed after taking a bath, and sneaked 30 more minutes of sleep J

Tomorrow is the day that made me pick a fight with R. And I’m still praying that somehow, Aussie has changed his mind about meeting up.

And so maybe, even if I’m not acknowledging it, I already know who I’m choosing. But the thing is, my heart has always been stronger than my mind. And it has not done me any good so far. How am I supposed to know that this one is any different?! Argh.