FAN
"Could it really be, that when you meet that right person, you just know? That there's someone out there who will make your entire world literally stop. And it doesn't matter what your past or level of experience is -- whether you're a serial womanizer or a gay person who just came out of the closet -- When you meet that one person, you decide right there and then that this is it, and you change your whole life accordingly, without thinking twice? "

These were words written by this fabulous guy, Ian, and I just had to blog about this. Hahaha. I've become such a fan. But nah, don't take my word for it. You can read him yourself. Blog discovered via another great (and favorite) blogger - Nelz, who I really admire for his honesty and wit! Ah, people like the two of you make it hard for me to curb my blog addiction :P

THE SOUND OF ONE HEART BREAKING - by Karen Kunawicz

Forwarded email. Sorry, after my bout of mini-depression I promised myself not to think, write, watch sad anything... But can't help myself :)

It is the sound of someone curled up in a tiny ball crying softly in the night, the sound of the first unwanted teardrop touching your skin, it's the sound of a telephone that doesn't ring, the sound of regret pounding inside your brain with every heartbeat, it's the whispers of the toy animals she gave you.

It's the shuffling of feet walking away from you, the sound of your soul shattering into a million pieces at recognizing the word "goodbye," it's the soundtrack of memories torturing you, it's the sound of feeble hands trying to push back the obstinate hands of time, it's the sound of a cherub's dying breath, the sound of all those years disappearing in the vortex of Cupid's kitchen sink, it's the unrelenting, plaintive baby meows of an abandoned kitten outside an ignoring door.

It's the sound of the rain that doesn't ever stop, the sound of all the doors in the world shutting and closing in your face at the same time, of raging, howling storms in the night when there's no one there to hold you, the sound of your voice as it screams back at you, the echo of "I love you" burning holes in you, the sound your heart makes as it tells you to lie still because nothing you will ever do will matter without love.

The sound of the waves at the polluted beach you went to as it moves from the shore and crashes inside your mind, of the sniffles that make up your pathetic "SOS-to-the-world," the cracking of the brittle black-red petals from the sidewalk vendor roses she gave, the sound of the music she used to make going to your gut.

The sound of things in your room being thrown around and landing on the floor, the caress of sharpened kitchen knives on skin, the sound your throat makes as you swallow your saltiest tear. It's the sound of your own voice calling out to someone who isn't there, of winged creatures dying and falling on a city pavement, of terms of endearment used a hundred times a day struggling to crawl into a vacuum of forgetfulness, it's the sound of your own sobs keeping you company, it's the cold, uncaring stillness of the air you share your space with.

Destruction isn't always as noisy as bombs exploding. Sometimes the ultimate catastrophes are as quiet as feather falling on the floor of a Zen monastery. No one else can really hear your heart breaking except you.

MALENA
Discovered via Dennis. The movie is beautiful. Set during WWII in a small seaside Sicilian town struggling to survive the horrors of war. It's about the coming of age of a boy named Renato. It's about a small town's penchant for gossip. It's about envy and lust and how it destroys the life of an otherwise innocent victim. It's about survival amidst all the chaos. It's about Malena, the unsuspecting victim of a town's wrath and yet her only crime was that she was born beautiful. It's about unrequited love.

"Faithful Renato seems to be the only one able to see the personality hidden from everyone else, and his pure romanticism renders him vulnerable to the first painful lesson in becoming a man: Unrequited love is emotion in its purest form but no less bittersweet for its tenderness and purity. " - movie review @ criticsnest.com

What I most liked about the film aside from its cinematography and story are its actors. Monica Belluci isn't just a thing of beauty but a brilliant actress. She hardly had any lines in the movie but her eyes expressed more than words could ever do. One of my favorite scenes in the movie is in the last part of the movie when she went back to the town that ostracized her. She went to the market that previously wouldn't sell her food on the mere basis of the gossip that she was sleeping with the whole town. She seemed hesistant and shy as she walked in, yet she did so with the grace and dignity of a woman who knew that she had not done the town wrong. One woman called out to greet her. Her expression almost seemed distrustful, her eyes still sad and melancholic. But in the end, consistent to her good character, she slowly gave back a smile. Which I think was the beginning of her journey towards healing.

PRUDISH?
Just got in from my Friday all-nighter. Am tired but Sleep it seems does not want to visit me tonight. Or this morning.

It started with a friend's attempt to cheer me up. Not entirely. But they (officemates) knew I wasn't in good spirits the whole week because of my brush with the ghost of relationship past. So they arranged a group gimik and invited Mr. E, my decoy crush*. They think Mr. E. might be interested in me (which, by the way, is of no importance due to the previous statement, plus the fact that I know something about him that's simply a dealbreaker). But anyways, I still decide to go. After all, I've been moping around for about a week, and to hell with feeling lousy.. Nakaka-panget ever!

So off we went to this club. Portland is raving about this place. I guess it's ok. Just that I'm really partial to the party scene back home. Nevertheless, we had so much fun. We went to all three bars, alternating between techno and house-music dancing. Tangina, kahit na pang 2001 pa yung mixes nila, we couldn't care less. We were there to party and so we did.

We were mostly oblivious to our surroundings until a couple started making out on the dance floor. Complete with tongue action, groping and grinding. In view of the whole crowd. Soon we were just lounging at the bar, drinking, and then another couple seated in the table in front of us started making out. Not soon after, a woman sat in front of the couple. For a few minutes, she was just staring at them. Then after a while, she started licking the fingers of the other woman (still making out with the guy). The guy's hand was on one breast, and the woman's on the other. And I go, what the heck?!! Then, minutes later, another guy sat beside the third wheel woman, and starting kissing her ear. Uhm ok. I just couldn't take any more of it. Way too NC-17 for me. At that point, I took my drink and walked back to the dance floor.

I've always thought that I'm a bit of an I've been to Georgia and California... kind of lady, right? But I guess I've never been to Portland. :) I'm certainly no Virgin Mary, but tonight I suddenly felt prudish.


* decoy crush - my object of interest during TLB's visit para kunwari dedma [Mr E drew my attention away from TLB]... btw, Mr. E didn't show up. How noble of him. Really.

FRIDAY FIVE
1. How long have you had a weblog? Since October '01. My best friend introduced me to blogging and I decided to do the same because it sounded like a good outlet for all my blah. :) I was in a crossroad at that time. I've since been hooked. "Hi, I'm Trixy and I'm a blogaholic" ;-)

2. What was your first post about? "A NEW BEGINNING". I just came back from my first real vacation in a long while - meaning I left my laptop back in Makati and I was free to reject calls from the office plus I was with my best friends in my lovely hometown! I felt like I was starting my life on a clean slate...

3. How many changes (name, location, etc.) of your weblog have there been, if more than one? My blog used to be called "Musings of an Independent, Single Woman". And back then I decided to use a handle (single pinay) I just randomly picked out because I was damn paranoid of stalkers and pervs.. I still am but behold, I've since divulged more information about myself.. I actually had more stalkers when I didn't have an online journal so I took that to mean I'm "safe".. For now. And I changed my blog title to the current one when my (ex)best guy friend faded into another world and I was back to my.. well... table for one.

4. What CMS (content management system) do you use? Do you like it or do you want to try something else? I've been using Blogger and so far so good.. Which really means I'm too code-illiterate to try something else :P

5. Do you read people who have both a journal and a weblog? Or do you prefer to read people who have all of their writing in one central place? Most people have a journal-cum-blog pages.. 2in1, and it's good that way.. You get all sorts of info in one place. Which really means, I don't care. If I like, I link, I read :P

How Much Starbucks Is Too Much?
It's not just my caffeine addiction. Guess, I'm at this stage where I'd rather have coffee with friends than get wasted. Not that I no longer get wasted. But I digress. I can't explain what lures me inside a Starbucks. All those colorful mugs? The wonderful smell of coffee? The latest products (Starbucks DoubleShot)? Or the new concoctions? Speaking of which, I have a new favorite. The Tazo Chai Creme frappucino. Yum-yum. Better than the Green Tea frap (which they don't have here). Promise, Nic and Mark, sarap. :) Tazo, incidentally, is a Portland-based co.. Wala lang. :)

JUNKIE
This is my addition to the eight rules for a perfect blog:

9. DRAMA – Announce a hiatus. Make a tearful goodbye to your readers (or so you'd like to believe you actually have a readership) like they actually care whether you keep blogging or not. Now, when you’re a blog junkie, it’s really hard to stay away. But you have to wait at least a day or two before you start blogging again so people won’t think you just made an excuse to keep them coming back just in case you come up with a semi-interesting post after your so-called break.

Those guilty of the above say, aye? Aye. :D Well, I went into a relapse. *grin*

Speaking of junkies, I watched this HBO movie Gia last weekend. Angelina Jolie starred as Gia Carangi, a beautiful but melancholic supermodel, the 1st in the U.S., they say. She lived the life of glamour, sex and drugs, and at the young age of 26, she died of AIDS. Jolie portrayed the character really well, and the movie has its merits. And the message so clear.

PACK DAT SHEET
Nic's advise... Hahaha... You made me laugh, bro.. Hard enough to make me come out of this prison I got myself into.

And this article also cracked me up. Link stolen from Bluemangoes.

"Blog daily. If you miss a day, use the next day's entire blog entry to apologize profusely. Explain in detail the fascinating adventure you had that caused you to miss a day of blogging. Make sure to rave about how great blogging is and why everyone should blog and how blogging will change the world."

:D

AN AFFAIR OF LOVE
"Even though they don't know each other's names, ages, or professions, there is a deep connection. They feel comfortable and relaxed with each other, and, while sex is still an important part of their relationship, it is no longer the only part. In short, they have fallen in love. Yet neither knows how to handle the unexpected turn of events...
Ultimately, miscommunication and a fear of intimacy doom the relationship..." - James Berardinelli movie review, An Affair of Love, 1999 Toronto Film Festival

Love story. Bittersweet. Started out casual. Progressed into something more emotional. "At first I found her beautiful. Then I discovered her faults. Then her faults disappeared. I was just getting used to her. I wanted to be with her."

They came face to face with their vulnerability. Fear overtook them. Led to a sad and abrupt ending. Of something that could have been good. Or real. Or forever. But who's to know? Neither was brave enough. To give it a chance. So they just look back. With unspoken regret.

______________________________________________
The movie is beautiful. Think it was called "Pornographic Affair" in the Toronto Film Fest. It tells us what we already know. But it does it so convincingly we almost feel what the characters are feeling. It brings us to the place they're in. Watch it. It's subtitled but since it's on video you can always play it back if you missed it the first time. And no, it's not Joyce Jimenez kind of pornographic. Actually, there's nothing pornographic about it at all. Not the best film I've watched but it's good.

AND YOU KNOW
... that someone is in pathetic land

...when she plays with her blog layout and skin once again
...when she does not come out of her house for one day
...when sleep does not come no matter how tired her soul and body is
...when advil cannot cure her recurring headache
...when her mind keeps drifting to a dark place and she is stuck in a continuum of confusion and pain
...when she goes in a shopping frenzy: two Nike Prestos purchased within 7 days, a bike helmet when she does not have a bike yet
...when she remembers to eat only when her stomach is grumbling like crazy
...when she has no desire to see or talk to other people
...and she'd rather tinker with her laptop or watch the tv channel guide over and over again

NEAR YET SO FAR
Think of me, think of me fondly when we've said goodbye.
Remember me ev'ry so often, promise me you'll try.
On that day, that not so distant day, when you are far away and free,
if you ever find a moment, spare a thought for me.
And though it's clear, though it was always clear
that this was never meant to be,
if you happen to remember, stop and think of me. – Think of Me, Phantom of the Opera

We have not been in the same city for so many months now. Nor in the same room. And the air was just filled with so much tension. And no matter how much we pretend to have gotten past all the pain and the hurt, we’re just not there yet. As we leaned beside each other, we were so close and yet it was the farthest apart we’ve ever been. I tried to drink myself into oblivion. But it’s as elusive as always. And when the intoxication wore off, I remembered every single detail when we were together. I’ve never felt more alone.

I watched the Phantom of the Opera last weekend. And the loneliness of the phantom echoed familiarity. The loneliness that comes from loving someone you can’t ever have. The loneliness that comes from caring for someone so much and yet you can only do so from a distance, in the darkness that has oddly become your solace. The loneliness that you try so hard to fight. Or deny. The loneliness that you sometimes forget about but it lingers on and never really goes away. The loneliness from accepting that I’M doing all the thinking, all the feeling, all the hurting. The loneliness that YOU no longer know.

AND I WALKED THAT PATH
Something is definitely wrong with me. Watched A Walk to Remember in DVD 3x already. I cried. I don't quite think it was the movie. Just the tears inside screaming for release.

Gawd, I still can't take Mandy Moore. All her pa-cute gestures and mannerisms just kill the movie for me. And yet I watch it repeatedly. Torturing myself in some other way to forget the real reason for my agony.

I love the soundtrack though. I'd love to sing Only Hope to someone someday. I hope.

PING
How does blogrolling.com know if a blog is updated?. I had to manually ping weblogs.com. Now I have to figure out how to do this automatically. Whenever. :)

HELP
Via Paulo. Kindly get in touch with this blogger if you're willing to donate blood. Thank you.

GHOST TOWN
I think everyone visits a ghost town at certain points in our lives. Sometimes we go there deliberately, sometimes we just find ourselves warped into that place. Hillsboro is my ghost town. Familiar places, familiar faces --- all reminders of a past that I have been trying to leave behind. It's so weird, because people began asking me about TLB like things just happened yesterday. It feels like everything is a continuation of that time, only this time, there is nothing left except for the bits and pieces and memories from yesterday.

Last night, the biggest and meanest ghost of them all made an apparition. And he looked pretty darn good too. Gawd, how I still love this boy. And at the same time I remember why I'm not with this boy. On his own, he is good. But together, we are bad for each other. Perhaps the passion that brought us together, was the same passion that consumed our very being until there was no more to consume.

Difficult does not describe what I felt last night. Sad. Pained. But relieved to know now what I didn't know before. And may that knowledge save me. From the ghosts. From myself.

GAWD, THIS MADE ME FEEL SO OLD :)
forwarded email. yeah, i can so relate to almost 90% of the list here. ;-)

You know you're a kid of the 80's when...
1.) You have scars on your knees and elbows
2.) You owned a bike
3.) You had a barkada around your neighborhood (all of you had bikes)
4.) You loved climbing on your house's roof (and your neighbor's roof as well)
5.) You went inside an abandoned house in your neighborhood just to see that it looks like inside
6.) You ate all the aratilis in your neighborhood
7.) You plucked all the gumamelas in the area for soap bubbles
8.) Your parents forced you to take afternoon siestas with the threat that you will not be allowed to play outside. [Trixy: Or that Santa won't give you presents on Christmas night]
9.) You are never found in your house in the afternoon. You are often found playing in the street with your neighborhood friends.
10.) You loved exploring vacant lots for hidden knick-knacks
11.) You just can't resist jumping in a sandpile
12.) You know all the street games (patintero,agawan base, langit-lupa, etc., etc.)
13.) You owned a family computer. [Trixy: Super Mario will always hold a special place in my heart]
14.) Your hand-to-eye coordination is terrific due to family computer.
15.) You'd rather go outdoors in the afternoon than play family computer.
16.) You gleefully boast that games today are so easy because of the character's life bar (remember when we used to play Mario? we died the minute a goomba hit us)
17.) You know this code by heart UP-UP-DOWN-DOWN-LEFT-RIGHT-LEFT-RIGHT-B-A-B-A-START (select-start for 2 players)
18.) You owned a superhero costume (especially a superman costume)
19.) For the girls: You dressed up like Punky Brewster, Madonna and Debbie Gibson... [Trixy: Speaking of Punky Brewster, I saw that girl who played her in "Sabrina: The Teenage Witch". She's Sabrina's college roomate, and she's Punky no more]
For the boys: You dressed up like David Hasselhoff's knight rider, David Bowie or had Clarke Kent's little bangs... And now you think that the 80's had the suckiest dress sense.
20.) You had a denim jacket
21.) You had a sticker book especially that Age of Dinosaurs sticker book.
22.) You were addicted to rainbow brite, carebears, my little pony & friends, thundercats, bioman, voltes v, mazinger z, daimos, etc., etc. [Trixy: Can anyone name the Rainbow Brite characters, Carebears and Thundercats? I can. And boy, I think Richard of Daimos was my first love...]
23.) You played pc games like tapper, moonbugs, alley cat and prince of persia.
24.) Ms Word did not exist in your vocabulary but Wordstar did!
25.) You love 80's music even if you don't want to admit it.
26.) You've climbed up mango trees to catch salagubang, tie a sting around its neck and let it fly around in frenzy
27.) You've spent hours in the afternoon catching tutubi... yellow-green was the easiest to catch, blue being finicky, and red being a rare breed...
28.) You used to take Flinstones vitamins (which you didn't mind 'cause it was yummy) and Scott's liver oil
29.) You know the catoon show, Beverly Hills Teens
30.) You know Kuya Bodgie from Batibot
31.) You watch Uncle Bob's Lucky Seven Club
32.) You used AQUA NET to fashion ur 4-inch-high bangs. [Trixy: My locker contained Agua net, a brush and a mirror. Hehe]
33.) Your blouses had paddings.
34.) You owned wide studded colorful belts.
35.) You watched some of your favorite shows on betamax or even UHF 17 (the channel from Clarke Air Base - or was it Subic?)
36.) You collected and "swapped" perfumed stationeries with your classmates and friends, but followed the unwritten rule that you never write on them.
37.) The only place you go to for summer vacation is BAGUIO !
38.) On that note, camp john hay served BEST ice cream
39.) Most of us were brought to the EDSA revolution
40.) You remember what Ricky Martin used to look like back then [Trixy: And that I loved Menudo. Eeek!]
41.) ...when you think that Julie Vega is a better actress that Judy Ann
42.) You get confused playing playstation because of all the buttons on the keypad (nintendo only had the direction pad, a & b buttons and the start & select keys )
43.) You know all the Bagets and Ninja Kids
44.) You got to ride the train ride at greenhills shopping center
45.) Magic Johnson and Larry Bird were the players at the time
46.) ...when you know more 80's music than the song "Buttercup"
47.) You were allowed to bathe in the rain
48.) You were taught to comb your hair one-sided
49.) You've collected matangpusa and mongo beans so you can have ammunition for sumpit
50.) You knew who madam bola and sitsiritsit and alibangbang was.
51.) Every Christmas you anticipate going to BIG Bang sa Alabang - with the giant slide.
52.) You know the Ewoks.
53.) You had Mighty Kid shoes and Greg shoes.
54.) You know what Time Space Warp means (and you know who Fuma Lae-Aris)
55.) You and your barkada had a specific Bioman name.
56.) You sucked all the nectar from the santan plant hence your mother got really pissed at you for destroying the santan plant. [Trixy: Funny, I was just telling this story to my Costa Rican hunk when he was here...]
57.) You played with marbles and text (yung cards ha!!!) And you count cards like this: I-SA, DALA-WA, TAT-LO, A-PAT... walo na iyon!
58.) For girls: You wore denim miniskirts with rubber shoes... For guys: You had those bitin na pantalon which you wore with high-top rubber shoes!!!
59.) You loved cheezels and chicakdees because of the great prizes it had! (remember sticky hands, bear popups, and the stick on tattoos which were "banned" due to drugs daw?)
60.) Puffy cone still existed!!!
61.) Sosy ka if you bought a Magnolia drumstick
62.) Twin Popsies were meant to be shared with a friend.
63.) Ice Drop was the cheapest treat.
64.) You have those disney bow biters for your rubber shoes
65.) You know who Alf is.
66.) You're familiar with the show "Perfect Strangers".
67.) Idol mo si McGyver.
68.) Thats Entertainment" ang "the bomb" nung mga panahon na yun.
69.) Sikat ka kapag alam mo ang wordstar at lotus 1,2,3
70.) Six digits lang ang telephone number niyo dati.
71.) Tatlong .25 cents lang eh makakatawag ka na sa pay-phone.
72.) Cute pa si Aiza non sa Eat Bulaga.
73.) Si Amado Pineda pa ang nagbabalita ng panahon
74.) You drank Chocolate milk from the Magnolia glass bottle which you kept for holding water in your ref.
75.) Brown Cow tasted better than Hersheys!
76.) Shake Rattle and Roll 1 was the most horrifying movie for you then.
77.) The most comfortable shoes for you is still Sperry Topsiders.
78.) Dress shoes mo eh loafers pa rin.
79.) The best movies of all time are pretty in pink, breakfast club, 16 candles and some kind of wonderful
80.) You show off your pencil case which have hidden compartments that pop-out at the press of a button...
81.) You have Bensia pencils which are refillable...
82.) Fiesta carnival was the place to be (kumbaga enchanted kingdom sya ng 90's)
83.) Takot kang mag-year 2000 ksi baka magunaw ang mundo.
84.) Masarap ang Goya and Serg's.
85.) Nakakasakay ka pa sa kotseng walang aircon.
86.) You know the lyrics ng "Tinapang Bangus" at "Alagang-alaga namin si Puti" ng Batibot.
87.) You know these commercials:
a. YCBIKINIBRIEF - remember this one? Ycbikinibrief /ycbikinibrief / ycbikinibrief for the man who packs a wallop / YC had fashion / YC has style...
b. RA Homevision - those guys from c! ash and carry makati couldn't have done it better. Sports. Adventure. Cartoons. Award Winners
and More. Featuring the voice talent of Frankie Evangelista. I will never forget the creepy hand at the start of the ad. Parang ET na nasa
spaceship!
c. Arthur's Legaspi Towers - nuff said.
d. La Germania Mama Mia commercials - ditto
88.) Bumibili ka ng caramel candy, texas or bazooka bubblegum, tira-tira at tootsie roll sa tindahan
89.) Naabutan mo pa na korteng flower ang singko
90.) You're familiar with this song: si nena ay bata pa, kaya ang sabi niya ay um-ah-um-ah-ah. hanggang patanda siya nang patanda at pabastos ng pabastos hehehe!

Google! DayPop! This is my blogchalk: English, United States, Hillsboro, Tanasbourne, Trixy, Female!

* * * * *
Hah. I'm alive. And I'm good. :)

I've never really considered blogging as something outside of my life. There is no "real" life and "online" life. It's just my life. Period. The Trixy in my blog is not an alter ego. After all, my blog (or online journal) is just a place for my thoughts --- some angsty, some funny, most boring, a few interesting... My blog is my outlet. Or, has been, and it has helped me sort out the things I've been going through. Somehow, laying them out in print has made things easier to deal with. And of course, there's an added bonus of the new friends found or even renewing with the old.

But, after only my second day here in my so-called new life, I've been deluged with never-ending things to work on. Which I welcome with open arms. Because, after all, this is what I want. Yet, my first reaction was to rant about it. But on the other hand, my calendar is booked to the last second of my already 12-hr work day. Now I find a guilty pleasure in sneaking up to write.

Alas, like all addictions, this has to be curbed. And thus I go on a self-imposed silence while I'm wearing my techie hat. In the meantime, I'll have to deal with my emotions the normal way. Which to me means a few bottles of beer or so. To celebrate, to grieve, to forget. That rich, smooth, bittersweet taste can surely quench whatever we thirst for.

I do not mean to sound presumptuous. But some of my family and deariest friends, whom I had originally intended this blog for, might wonder. Really, though, this is more for my sake. This entry is my post-it note. My reminder that there are other things to be done and blogging will have to take the backseat for now. For how long, I don't know. Something tells me I have a hectic 11 months ahead of me, or even beyond that.

Once again, thank you for all the well wishes. I will most certainly try to live my life as it should be lived. I will not guarantee that I will not fall into the traps that I somehow get myself into, but I will leave with a promise that I will take care of myself in the best way that I could. Yeah, a promise as well that if I ever end up with a Mr. Good-Guy-Who-Loves-Me-Sincerely sometime soon, it will not go unblogged. :P I will surely want my future children to know that love is as real as the sunrise. And perhaps, I'll probably be more successful with your prayers.

In my best (and imagined) Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation "I'll be back". :)

TIMEZONE CHANGE
Was getting confused, after a day of being here. Haven't synch'd my watch to the local time here. I woke up today and saw 7 on my watch. And I thought, oh, it's early and I can go about doing groceries and stuff. But it was actually 4, in the afternoon! Gawd, I had slept like crazy. Even if I slept around 10PM last night. I did wake up at 3 in the morning, then slept a few minutes after. Jet lag, maybe.

Thanks for all the lovely notes from Willow, Rene, Shai, Sieg...

btw, Belle, thanks for the haikus. I hope you get to read this, even on your hiatus. :)

FRIDAY FIVE
On a Saturday... or Sunday, if I was back home.. Gah. Whatever.

1. Where are you right now? In my hotel room here in Hillsboro, with the Brady Bunch E! True Hollywood Story on my TV. Which is another way of saying I'm really just bumming around. I just arrived and I don't feel like doing anything, except smoke and well, blog. :)

2. What have you lost recently? My sanity? Hehe... I lost my Canadian Teddy bear (given by my work buddy) and the Koala bear my friend Diet gave to me as a souvenir from Australia. The two were my cubemates, and after I came back from my preparing-to-leave-for-Oregon vacation, the two babies were gone :(

3. What was the first CD you ever purchased? I'm thinking it's a Side A CD. But I can't say for sure.

4. What is your favorite kind of writing pen? I like Parker pens mainly because they're sleek and they last. For everyday use, the Pilot Hi-techpoint V5.

5. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Mango, from Magnolia. Homesickness alert. :)

I'M BACK
Strange to be back in a place so familiar and yet so foreign. Hillsboro is so quiet today. Guess most of the folks are still away for the 4th of July weekend. I'm sleepy even if I had slept a lot throughout the ~24-hr flight + layovers. I got hungry even if all I remember doing was eat. And watch movies. High Crimes. And I Am Sam. Have not seen either before. And I liked both. The first one's plot had an interesting twist. Made me wonder whether some people around me are not really who I think they are. Haha. Praning. And the latter made me cry profusely. My eyes are puffy and red still. Nothing to do with the fact that the reality that I'm thousands of miles away from my loved ones is slowing sinking in. Nope, it was just the movie.

LAST MINUTE THOUGHTS
I'm in Quezon City right now. At my sister's place. We're waiting for my brother-in-law. So I'm blogging despite the fact that I need to be at the airport early tom morning AND I still have clothes to pack. Oh well. :)

It took me five friggin' hours to get here from Cavite. It's a Friday, plus it's raining on and off. Heavily at that. Ironic. I took the Skyway so I could save some time. No matter that the toll fee was just increased ten more pesos. But surprise! The exit back to SSHway was blocked. Took the Buendia exit instead and got stuck in a jam for one hour. And with all the no left turns, I just inched my way into the heart of Makati, totally opposite the direction I should have taken. And as I sat there, I thought, times like this make me feel glad I'm going away. Even for a while. Soon I was able to get back on track, and I went into shortcuts so I could catch my family at dinnertime. But the sidestreets were flooded, almost knee high. And as I tried to look for alternate ways out, I got lost for a while. But I made it here. Tired. But safe. And in the company of my sisters, nieces and nephews. Ahhh.. This IS home, and I will surely miss it. Traffic jams, floods and all. :)

[Update: After parking my car outside my sister's apt. for barely 3 hours, I found that my side mirrors were stolen by the usual suspects in Banaue. All done while it was raining like crazy. Gotta hand it to the thieves. There's no rest for them. And no, I won't miss them. ]

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Grabe. There was a shooting in LA airport yesterday. My port of entry tomorrow. Not a very welcoming thought.

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Had a good phone conversation with CB tonight. He said a "hermit" in a farm is waiting for me and will wait for me. He told me to find him when I go back home. He even laughed saying he was "selling" himself to me like dangget (dried fish). And I was thinking, oh god, I so want to believe him. And I so want to take him up on his offer. Haha. I'm not sure if he'll be around next year. But tonight, I'll believe that someone who wants me is thinking about me, and waiting for me in his mango farm. :P

LIFE AND DEATH
A new year in the life of my little sister! Only she's no longer really little. Well, she's taller and all grown up, plus she's happily married and a mother of two. I miss you so much, Ann. I miss our long talks and I miss playing "ate". Hope to see you again, soon. Maybe next year before I go back home. Take a detour to Taiwan. So I can give you a hug.

Take care, Ann. I love you so much! Kiss TJ and AJ for me now. :)

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I received an early morning text from Arlene. Which was not unusual. I expected another bad date story. But it wasn't. Her dad passed away. I never really knew him. But whenever we hung out in Arlene's, he was there. Always there. And he cooked for us. And we went home happy. But now he's gone. Death is always so surreal when it happens to your loved ones or the poeple they care about... And I almost did a Samantha (last ww's SATC episode). Didn't know what to say. And I didn't want to just text back. Condolences are just not meant to be said through text. You can say it with flowers, but not that. But I didn't want to call her either. Though I did call her eventually around noon. I just said I was sorry. Which I was. Though I know that even if she sounded like she was ok, she wasn't. And even if I said sorry, it's not going to change anything. I just didn't know what to do. Or say. But I wanted to hug her. And I couldn't. What kind of best friend am I? So I said a prayer to Him. He always knows how to act "best friendish", no matter what.

CIRCLE IN THE SAND
"Circle in the sand 'round and 'round
Rising of the moon as the sun goes down
And you complete the heart of me
Our love is all we need" - Belinda Carlisle, Circle in the Sand

People come and go. Memories abound. To keep you going. And then there are a precious few, who stay. No matter what. No matter where you go. No matter when you meet again. And they make each day of your life... worthwhile.



Happy. I am. :)

BITTER, BETTER

Could I still be bitter after all this time? Or better, as I'd like to believe?

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Aren't you glad you're hearing from me, Sieg? I'm still in one piece. And you were right. I'm happy. Now I remember why. He's good. Smart. Nice. Too bad.

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Beginning ww28, smoking breaks will never be the same again. :( Hugs to you, buddy! I will miss you so bad. Take care, now.

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It's raining outside. Inside. I feel a flood coming. Slowly trying to engulf me. Swallow me. Then setting me free.

STRESS, DISTRESS
I’ve spent most of the day going through stuff from boxes and bags that have remained unpacked since my last trip two years ago. Living out of the suitcase sucks that way. Plus I’m such a sentimentalist; I can hardly let go of anything. Not even a tissue with CB’s number on it. Oh, the fact that I was born with a penchant for keeping things in constant disarray has nothing to do with it. Really.

I could just go and throw stuff away randomly. Considering they’re mostly 2 years old anyways. But what if I throw away important stuff? Like movie tickets, NBA and ice hockey tickets, bus tickets even – all of which were in pairs. :P All of which once more brought me back to memories of not so long ago. I noticed I’ve been going back to those times more these days. Perhaps it’s because it all happened there - in cold, rainy Oregon. That’s where I fell in love again. Belle says I’m a romantic. Maybe so. Back then I thought every love song was ours, and I’d memorize the lyrics like he was singing them to me… And he would sing to me. Before we went to sleep at night. After that I could never listen to Power of Two in the same way ever again. Or Grow Old With You. Now That I Have You. You. Gah. Stop me already.

Yeah, I can do romantic. He left me and yet I could not bear to throw away those tickets in pairs. Or his post-it notes written with Stabilo markers: “Hi Madam. Ala lang. I miss you.” Madam, hunybabe… His pet names for me. And maybe I’m shedding a tear or two right now. He left and all I could remember was how much I was so in love and how much he loved me. (Or how I thought he did). Then maybe I’m really just masochistic. Or schizophrenic.

I better go unpack/pack/throw/cry… I mean, try. Hopefully, I’ll have the courage to put some of those old stuff away for good. But maybe there’s hope for me yet. I’ve already given away the Nike Prestos we both have. Maybe this time, I’ll end up with fewer boxes and bags than I first started with. *Long sigh*

Today is one of those days when I DO mind dining in a table for one.

It's harmless. Or so she tries to convince herself. Ocassional texting. Instant messaging right at this moment. Nothing wrong with that. Right? But when push comes to shove, she knows it's more than that. Or does she? Many relationships after, yes, she still can be clueless when it comes to men.

Blogrolling is definitely one of my greatest finds on the web. Love it that I can put descriptions on my links and they're flaged when updated. So now I know when to visit, rather, stalk, the folks in my sidebar. Hehe..

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Forgot to mention this earlier, but while we were watching the game last night, Petite and I bumped into an old grade school classmate of ours. She's been based in the U.S. for around 5 years now, but we have not seen each other since maybe high school. She was in a table next to ours. What are the odds of that happening? :)

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And yeah, I've posted the answers to my Three Truths and a Lie in the comments. So Johnnie can't imagine me in a praise and worship team? :) I was actually the vocalist until they deemed me not fit for the team so they booted me out. Ouch!

Here's one more:

1. My first job out of college was as a features contributor in a tourism newsletter in Cebu.
2. I loved to sleep in my birthday suit until one mid-morning when some friends went banging at my door. I just came home from an all-nighter at work so I was groggy and cranky and confused. As I was running to the door I realized I had nothing on and I had to scream the truth to them! Que horror!
3. To this date, my parents and my eldest sister have no inkling that I smoke but the rest of my family knows.
4. I got caught speeding inside the Yosemite Park and tried to use the line "No English. Tourist only."

Brazil, champions, FIFA World Cup, 2002.

We watched the game at Streetlife. And Ronaldo did not let his countrymen nor the world down with 8 goals in the finals. [2 crucial ones in the championship, albeit, Dennis is right. Lots of missed opportunities yesterday. Germany's defense was solid, as well.]

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"Life is like the Tour de France. It flashes by and then it's gone. You've got to catch it while you can." - Raymond Dufayel from the movie Amelie

Amelie did not let me down either. I don't know if she'll change my life or how. I sure did have a lot of laughs, though. And wonderful story. I just hope I won't need a gnome to haunt and intrigue me into doing what I should be doing. :)

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So I earned the shirt, after all. Thanks, Mark and Petite. I'll really miss you guys...