After forcing myself to be fit to get back to work, and being somewhat successful at it, with 1.5hr before our day ends, I’m saying “I’m done for the day”. Yey.

Manager and I had this conversation the other day.

M: You have a tan.
Me: Err. Yeah
M: Why do you have a tan? Weren’t you sick the last couple of weeks?
Me: Uhm.. (forgetting the fact that I did go to the beach before this virus started killing my social life)
M: Did you go somewhere while you were out “sick”?
Me: Oh yeah. I was in the beach on Good Friday.
M: Were you sick then?Me: No, I got sick Saturday night.
M: So you got sick because you went to the beach?
Me: No. I got sick because I caught this stupid virus somewhere.
M: Hmmm… Next time you go on leave, I’m going to have to take your picture first. That tan looks suspicious.
Me: Whatever.

Didn’t know if he was being funny. Fortunately for me, I am in no way guilty this time around. Hahahaha.

So my plans for this long weekend? Get some good lovin’ and rest. Yey ;)

And hopefully, no suprises. I hope to God that Aussie won’t pull anything because I haven’t heard from him in two weeks, and he’s supposed to be in town already sometime this weekend.

Here’s to happy this weekend. And none of the teenage melodrama.

Happy Labor Day! Have a good one!

The house has been without water for 3 effin’ days now. Thankfully, I’ve only been there since Tuesday. But not thankfully, we’ve had to take showers at neighbors down the street or at the gym here in the office.

Today, I had a 630AM meeting, so I had to drag my unshowered self, complete with unruly hair to the office at 6AM. Thank God, it has hot water. Since the gym is in the other building, I had to do my meeting there, in my housemate’s cube. I was only 4mins late, and my newly found counterpart was nice, so things worked out.

But I’ll raise hell if we still don’t have water tonight. Our “Kuya”, a.k.a. landlord, better go follow it up today. He should have paid the bills when he said he would. I can do nice, but after all the inconvenience, nice does not come easy. Not when I have to hold my pee in the strange hours of the morning, until I get to the neighbor’s bathroom, or the gym restroom. Gadamit.

The silver lining: I have my great housemates to share all this with. And some really lovely neighbors. The joys of rural living. Hehe.

I watched this movie over the weekend. The fact that Steve Martin starred in it, and that he wrote the novella it was based on, was enough motivation for me.

Shopgirl is somewhat a love triangle involving Mirabelle (Claire Danes), Jeremy (Jason Schwartzman) and Ray Porter (Steve Martin). Only the connections are sometimes real, sometimes imagined, and mostly confusing.

Mirabelle comes from a small town and moved to Los Angeles, but her isolation is more pronounced as she found herself working in a rarely visited glove section in Saks Fifth Avenue. As the world goes on before her, she founds herself wanting to connect somehow, with someone.

This storyline is familiar to most of us, specially to those who have lived by themselves in big cities. Who hasn't been lost amidst the sea of nameless faces? People find themselves in awkward relationships, some that are hard to define, just to feel connected. I guess that's why relationships have become even more complex in this age of information and communication. One of the greatest irony.

Nowadays, if two people care for each other, go out and hang out a lot or even share a bed, does not necessarily mean they are in a relationship. Mirabelle found that out painfully, as Ray declared that he is not ready to commit to her, inspite of appearing to be.

The movie is poignant, as well as funny. And Claire Danes is an extraordinary actress. She actually reminded me of another favorite young actress (Scarlett Johannsen). I read one of the reviews, and it said something like, she illuminated the screen. I think that is very apt. She feels so real, her emotions are almost palpable.

The ending was almost anticlimactic, but all in all, I loved the movie :)

“As Ray Porter watches Mirabelle walk away, he feels a loss. How is it possible, he thinks, to miss a woman, whom he kept at a distance, so that when she was gone, he would not miss her? Only then does he realize how wanting part of her, and not all of her, had hurt them both. And how he cannot justify his actions, except that, well, it was life." - Shopgirl

This is apparently my Southpark alter ego. And just to clear things up, that is a MILKSHAKE on "my" hand. Hahaha.

Thanks DJ, I got my morning dose of aliw yesterday because of you :)

Meantime, I need a big dose of healthiness as I'm still down with a virus that is so keen on staying, inspite of whatever dose of meds, vits, extra joss I'm taking.

For the record, I was bummed about not being able to hit the beach last weekend. And it's all because of you, evil virus. I missed my weekend dose of sun and "milkshakes" because of you. Bleh.

What happens when you plan your beach wardrobe more than 2 weeks in advance, buy a couple new swimsuits and additional accessories (and almost losing your cellphone in the process), spend about half your grocery money on sunblock?

You get a stinking viral infection that puts you on house arrest for 4 days. Worse, the virus doesn’t seem to have an exit plan up to this time.

Seriously. Is this another one of your cosmic jokes?? Hello??

Still determined to beat the virus, I finally gathered whatever strength is left of my body. Armed with meds, vitamins and energy drink, I managed to get myself to the office, hoping the change in environment will scare the virus away.

Besides, I have a theory that if there’s other people to infect, the virus will be more than happy to leave my body. Whether or not my theory is right is already moot, though. I’ve conceded defeat this time, and raised the white flag.

No more Galera this weekend. Bah.

Maybe I should have listened to R when he asked me to go home this week. Which he happily pointed out to me when I was complaining that I was going crazy yesterday because my internet went down and I had no one to talk to. I actually started singing in gibberish and started doing impressions. Ohmigod. Hahaha.

My nephew is 2 years old but he is too smart for his age. One of the things I loved about last weekend, was being able to spend time with him and his ate.

He is so fond of cookies and pastries, and one time for breakfast, his mom gave him cookies, and he started singing "C is for cookie, it's good enough for me..." How cute is that? Our very own cookie monster.

Then he pulled another one on me. We were driving around on Holy Thursday, looking for an open Razon's halo-halo shop (which is apparently the best in Pampanga), and we got bored after a while. (None of the shops were open, btw, so we ended up in the pizza parlor). My nephew was probably as bored as I, so he goes "Tita Trits, knock-knock?".. I was like, wow, he knows a knock-knock joke?? So I answered "Who's there?".. Nephew goes "Dinosaur".. After I asked "Dinosaur who?", my nephew started singing the Sing-a-song song (haha, what's the title to this song?) "Nana nanana Na nana nanana Na nana nananana... Sing, sing a song... " I didn't really catch where dinosaur was in that song, but who cares. I mean, isn't that just adorable.

I want adorable. Sigh.

I haven't been up to date with showbiz gossip lately, just because I really don't care. But sickness makes you do things, see. So yesterday, it was all about TomKat, Brangelina and Lohan updates. Haha.

And of course, about this guy. Those of you who watch That 70's Show would recognize him as Fez.

I first crushed on him when I saw him during a Mandy Moore episode in one of the MTV shows. He was her then-boyfriend, and I was suprised to discover that without his geeky Fez image, Wilmer Valderrama was actually hunky-cute. Yeah, I have a thing for Latinos. What can I do? :p

However, no matter that he was just trying to be funny, his Howard Stern stint left a bad taste in the mouth. Kissing and telling is bad enough. But name-dropping? Unclassy.

Oh well. I still think he's hot. Sue me.

Interesting picture, don't you think? :) Tour of the Fireflies is on this Sunday, April 23, 2006. Registration is P50 only and the ride is about 50km. With the summer heat, it will even be more challenging. Still, I'd like to go. I hope the rest of the dudes would want to, as well (tara Ice, Ali, Jay, Van?).

But first, I have to get rid of the virus in my body. I hate that I'm so sickly. I've always been sickly, even as a child. Even a slight change in weather or seasons (or exposure to extreme heat or cold) can get to me. My mom would always tell me, ang baba daw ng resistencya ko so I should eat my veggies. Never did listen to her. Now I'm paying the price.

I admit, there are times that I wish I were sick. But now is not one of those times. I was hyperventilating last night as I was talking to my engineer to discuss coverage with her. So many meetings today, and 2 of my team are out (one on sked, the other EL). Not exactly the right time to be sick. But what can I do? I almost passed out when I went to the grocery to buy food (either that or I die of starvation here at home). My sinus headache is really bad (thank God for ibuprofen, i get relief every now and then).

Hopefully, I get better tomorrow. On top of work and what not, I still have my beach purchases to worry about. Overnight lang kami, and I bought 2 new swimsuits. 'Wag naman sanang masayang. Hahaha.

HAPPY EASTER !!!

Pampanga on the other hand, really takes the word painful literally. A lot of people volunteer to get crucified in San Fernando. This year, even a foreigner was in line but backed out after seeing blood splatter all over the place in the crucifixions before him. I had little desire to watch this little spectacle, so I scrapped it out of my itinerary.

Unlike the drive from Manila, driving through San Fernando was really slow. Apparently, most of the chapels and churches were holding a Pabasa. I was able to gather that this tradition is quite similar to holding a wake when a family member dies. Only this time, it's in remembrance of the death of Jesus Christ, and apparently, this is held week-long in most of the churches/chapels until Black Saturday. This being the Philippines, there are chapels/churches in almost every little corner, of course. Thus, the traffic.

Here’s another proof that Pinoys are indeed very enterprising. A lot of makeshift stores with tables and chair selling beer/softdrinks/pulutan near the chapels/churches sprang like mushrooms, and making the otherwise sleepy town, abuzz with excitement. It didn’t surprise me though that there were more people hanging out in the stores, than inside the church.

After making church rounds for Visita Iglesia, we heard mass in one of the bigger churches. I hardly understand a mass in Tagalog, but this one was in Pampangeno. Talk about being lost in translation.

Dinner was in a fastfood pizza place, as most restaurants were close. There more than two long tables (party of at least 10), and I guess this is an indication that Lent also means some quality family time. That, I can actually digest.

Good Friday started early, as we set out to Palauig, Zambales at 6AM. We were heading off to the beach, our very own Boca del Cielo (Heaven's Mouth), hehe. Palauig is a small town in Central Zambales, about 2 hours out from Subic. There are other nearby beaches but we were also visiting a friend, thereby the choice of location.

We arrived around 10AM, and I was hardly surprised to see dark brown sand. By now, I know better than to expect white sand in places other than Cebu or Boracay. Setting that minor disappointment aside, I actually enjoyed our little paradise. The beach was clean, the water very clear and it was not seaweed-infested. The tide was high, so I stayed out for most of the afternoon, playing with the waves, or getting a tan. I like that it wasn't crowded (maybe because tradition dictates Catholics should just be staying home on a Good Friday). Unfortunately, my camera was borrowed by my brother, so no pictures this time. All the beautiful memories will have to be archived in my mind.

The drive to Palauig was as interesting as the destination itself. Along the way, we passed by several sets of men making "penitensya", which basically means either flogging themselves in the back with bamboo or carrying a huge crucifix and getting beaten up by those in the procession with either the bamboo sticks or a small piece of wood. Apparently, the men flogging themselves, have their back cut by a blade before doing the penitensya. All of the participants were wearing masks. I took everything in as a cultural experience, but I sorely wanted to stop and talk some sense into these people.

Coming back from Palauig, we passed by several towns with the Good Friday processions in progress. We stopped at Subic for coffee at Mocha Blends (as a side note, let me just say, I'm loving this coffee shop already after a couple of visits). Soon there was another procession that passed by, and we just watched as the miniature statues of the saints and the crucifixion of Jesus was being paraded.

We got back to San Fernando shortly after 9PM, exhausted after a half-day at the beach, and after a long drive.

The trip out to the North turned out to be more than just a mini-break for me. It was a cultural road trip that made me see facets of our traditions that I haven't seen before. Makes me even more proud to be part of this culturally-diverse nation. There is definitely a lot to be taken away from this weekend.

Meanwhile, I'm thinking I should lay off the beach for a while. I don't do tan very well. Besides, I think I had a heat stroke and I'm actually down with something at the moment. Galera next weekend may just be my last sunny stop for this summer.

Then again, one never knows, when the ocean comes a-calling ;)

"There is no future, there is no past
I live this moment as my last
There's only us, there's only this
Forget regret, or life is yours to miss
No other road, no other way
No day but today" - Mimi, RENT

I managed to squeeze in watching the movie version of Rent the last couple of days I was out of town. I watched the musical a while back, and I instantly loved it: the music, the theme, the characters; everything about Rent is something the little rebels in us could all relate to (Viva La Vie Boheme!).

The movie is a little long, but the editing was good. Rosario Dawson is a very good Mimi, and her enchanting voice is a revelation. Wilson Heredia played Angel well, and he has received a Tony for this, no wonder. Actually, I loved everyone in the cast (most of them are original Broadway performers, including Adam Pascal, who played Roger). Loved the movie. Go watch it, if you haven't already.

P.S. This blog's URL is actually a tribute to Rent. You're a real fan if you got that already. Hehe.

The last few days felt like a scene out of Y Tu Mama Tambien, where the characters saw different aspects of their culture as they drove from the city to a far off place in their mind was paradise.

Only I was just taking a road trip from Manila to Pampanga and Pampanga to a little known town in Central Zambales called Palauig.

The drive from Manila was pretty uneventful. In fact, we were in San Fernando within an hour or so. But after that, the real road trip begins.

But first, the basics.

Disclaimer: This post is not about religion or my beliefs. I'd really rather not go there because people, I find, are keen on arguing about this. On my part, religion, or actually, faith, is a matter between you and your god, and no one can argue that.

Fact #1. Like most Filipinos, I was born and raised a Catholic. I studied in private Catholic schools from pre-school up to MBA, with the exception of high school.

Fact #2. Ironically, my few years as Iskolar ng Bayan was what's molded me into the person I am now. These were the times that I saw more to life than my Catholic upbringing. So while I still uphold some Catholic traditions for the purposes of family togetherness, for all intents and purposes, I am no longer a Catholic.

Fact #3. I’ve always been a city girl, and this way, shielded from a lot of our religious traditions. We would get our cultural brushes during our rare visits to Daanbantayan (will be now referred to in this blog as DB; where my parents grew up and where the now-famous Malapascua Island is).

Fact #4. I have very little exposure to Lenten traditions. The most vivid I can recall from childhood is the Visita Iglesia - where we visit 7 churches on Holy Thursday, to pray as a family. We never did the Station of the Cross, and the truth is, I don’t remember what that is all about. (I also no longer know how to pray the rosary, even though I used to be a Marian back in elem. The nuns must really be ashamed of me now).

When in DB, we would do the painful tradition of Sugat (or Salubong in Tagalog, I suppose). Painful because 1, we had to get up in the wee hours of dawn (3AM?), in order to watch a little girl sing while tied to a wooden plank. And two, now that I am an adult looking back, the whole crude pulley system seemed really unsafe, and how on earth the little girls were able to sing in that condition, beats the hell out of me.

In DB, devotees also attend a midnight procession barefoot and whenever I get invited by my cousins, I just politely say no.

A few years back, I spent Holy Week at a friend's town in Quezon province. Their family had a yearly panata (promise?) to hold a one-night only pabasa in their home. I didn't have a clue on what they were singing about or why they were doing it. I just sat there with my friend, looking at all those people coming and going, mumbling (well apparently, singing). That went on until dawn. And here I was thinking that the Sugat was painful :)

to be continued...

Island Riddims is an OPM reggae compilation by various artists. There are a couple of songs that are familiar to most of us - Ang Himig Natin which is a great collaboration between Tropical Depression, Pepe Smith and Jr. Kilat, and a reggae version of Yano's Tsinelas (now playing). The latter song is one of my favorite tracks in this album, because I never thought that a rock song can be made so danceable and would sound even better (no offense). Plus of course, I have an almost-addiction to tsinelas, so this is one of my theme songs. Only, Mang Kulas is actually Rustan's. hahaha. (Not of course to undermine the meaning of this song, which is actually activitist. My tsinelas addiction does not reflect a lack of regard for what we have to fight for, just for the record. While worrying over not finding a Havaianas style in my size is hardly a concern of the masses, I will always be ready to fight for the people of this country.)

Back to the CD, Jr. Kilat, of course, always combines reggae and humour. K-Fyne is a signature track that uses one of the old (and then-popular) ring tones of Nokia as base music, and is a song about cellphones (texting). Another favorite track, just because it's Budoy, and should there really be more reasons needed?! Haha. But also because it's just so hilarious and relaxing.

Beautiful Eyesore by Gaucho is nice to bob your head to, specially when you've already downed a couple of daquiris. And it makes you wanna dance close to that beach love of yours :) Lamok by Skabeche is classic. I have yet to figure out what the song is about (hehe) but I love the beat. This is my bestest track in this CD.

There are 2 non-OPM covers: Feel Like Making Love by Kakay and Get High With Me by Peace Pipe, and I say, well done :)

There are 18 tracks in this album, released since 2004. And I'm really really glad I saw this among all the indie albums in the wall. Thank goodness Rasta colors always interest me. I bought this without even listening to the album first, and I'm just lucky, I guess. This gets a rating of 5 sun kisses (5 of course, being the highest).

Summer is reggae season. Lounging at the beach is up a notch when coupled with a glass of pina colada and the heavy backbeat of reggae in the background. Even better if that music is from this album. This is definitely a summer must-have, next to your pretty bikinis, sunscreen and sunglasses. For less than P500, it's more than worth it.

Heading to the beach in a few. Happy Easter!

"We're adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop?" - Grey's Anatomy

The last few days I felt how it was to be an adult, more than I ever did in the past. Somehow, dealing with health and finances just makes you age. And right now, for the time being, I'm done. I finally finished paying my income tax (Egad, that was such a pain. Imagine a line looking like a really long snake, and DJ told me some of the people who lined up actually had their food delivered to the bank. Hahaha), and worked out my condo amortizations. I'm just really so relieved. I say I did a good job. Hahaha.

Pat on the back to me.

Which is actually a code for shopping. Lovely.

Bought an outfit for our upcoming Galera trip. Our sales people here in the Philippines are really becoming more customer-friendly. I must have spent more than 30minutes in the fitting room. And they were very helpful. After all, having an, err, abundant front area is really a challenge. The search for the top-that-will-amply-cover-them was more stressful than fun. I finally settled for a tankini, but it was way over the budget I had allocated. Oh well, vanity is never cheap.

Even as I was driving to the mall, I kept telling myself, no more Havaianas. At least not yet. I do still owe myself the white Filipinas, and the Brasil Cup flip-flops. But not today. Or so I planned.

After getting my outfit together, I decided to get a new outfit for my date with Aussie in May. That's gonna be the first time I see him in almost a year. And I just want to prepare for it a bit. It's the least he deserves for all the times I cancelled on him, and for sparing me a night and a whole day in his very hectic 10-day homecoming. (Oh yeah, I've decided I'm not cancelling on him this time around. Will have to figure out how to work it out with R, if at all. I'm beginning to get bored with our dynamics, but more on that in another post).

I was still making a huge effort in steering clear from All Flip-flops up to this time. But my feet were really taking me there. At the last minute, I made a turn to Tower Records instead (which turned out to be Powerbooks on that floor. Yeah, it's been a while since I've been here) and I was momentarily disoriented when I saw books instead of CD's. After a while, I finally found the CD's and I went around to look for parting gifts for Aussie and R. Both of them work abroad so I thought of giving them OPM CD's. I ended up buying Top Suzara's first album, which I quickly loved, and a Filipino reggae collection CD, which features Cebu's very own - Junior Kilat (of which Budoy, my favorite PBB celebrity housemate, of course, is the frontman).

Since the flip-flops were literally just around the corner, I finally caved going to the store after making my music purchases.

WTF. The line extended to outside the store. I thought Rustan's might be a little better. But no, people were crowding the Havaianas wall, and it was just crazy. To make it worse, there was no more stock of my lovely Brasil Cup slippers. Waah! There were about 10 pairs left of the Havaianas Filipinas, most of them in big sizes. I found one in size 35/36 which just fits my foot, but I usually wear my flipflops with some allowance. I was sorely disappointed, I just sat on one of the stools. Tired and disappointment is not a good combination. I was this close to giving up and throwing a tantrum, when the saleslady hung back some more slippers to the wall. I immediately saw the flip-flops in my size and I sprang to my feet and grabbed them before anyone else would. Happiness.

I hurriedly left the flip-flop crazy crowd, wondering why the hell everyone is on panic-buying mode. Oh. Long weekend ahead. That must be it. Nothing to do with mind-boggling addiction.

A bag filled with goodies in tow, I made a quick stop to buy food, then headed home.

It's been an exhausting day. I have a killer headache but it's all good. Tomorrow, I can stop being a grown-up once again. Even for a while.

Besides, there's nothing that a nice pair of Havaianas can't make better =)

Ok, I’ve gotten over the initial shock from the cosmic joke being played on me. I’m going to chill for the time being, and just focus on BD Map Day and my lump-in-the-throat feeling (I felt chest pain since last Wed night).

BD is going to cause quite a stir, and I don’t know where to get headcount for that. Everyone on my team is engaged, I can’t even send anyone for rotation assignments. Enough about work, though. Don’t wanna be Dooced.

As for my health, I’m on the I’m-ignoring-any-sign-of-discomfort mode, hoping things get better magically. I cancelled my doctor’s appointment yesterday to prioritize repair of internet connection. Talk about priorities. Haha. The good news is, I’m connected once again. The bad news, well, the throat pain didn’t go away on its own. I’m feeling palpitations and starting to feel some numbness. I’m thinking maybe this is just lack of sleep. I’m this close to hyperventilating. I hate having to deal with any sickness.

I have to say that I didn’t at all expect the recent turn of events. I’m not dating either R or Aussie. Talking over the phone or chatting/Skyping occasionally does not constitute dating. Both of them are not even based in the Philippines, so I don’t even get to see them as much as I would want to. I used to hang out with Aussie before he left for Oz, but after a couple of movies and coffee later, we got stuck in the “courtship” mode. Neither of them has so far expressed any intentions of taking things further than what we have now. And all I want for now is to get to know them better, and see where things will lead.

So it’s not fair that both of them decide to show up at the same time.

It’s not fair that I have to choose who to spend time with, when neither of them has really chosen me.

Prior to tonight, I was so looking forward to last week of April and 1st week of May. R will be here to meet his brother, and get his visa, before he leaves for Miami in May 6. I've been telling everyone how excited I am. I really want to see him again.

Excitement turned to stress when Aussie announced tonight that he has finally finalized his vacation plans. We have been talking about his visit from Oz for quite some time now, and he never told me when 'coz he wanted to surprise me. Talk about understatement. Wanna take a guess when he'll be here?

Seriously?! How can this happen? It's like a big joke, only it's not funny. So not funny, at all.

Oh yeah, and to make things worse, Aussie IM'd me earlier "I love (insert my name here)". Yeah, it was a spontaneous thing and it's not like he asked me to marry him or something, but I was just totally taken aback. Windang ever.

Seriously?! (Bangs head on keyboard. Ok, I didn't. But I so want to. Gad.help.me).

Countdown to goodbye is on once again. In less than a month, R will no longer be an island away. He will be oceans away. Haay. Van asked if I'll be sad once he leaves. And all I can say is, Van made me cry. Hahaha. Teary-eyed on an early Friday morning. Naman.

I delete his number on my phone every day. I don't want to get used to it being there. I don't want to get used to him, only to unlearn everything I learned in a month or so. But he never fails to say hello, or ask if I had lunch or say goodnight. Every.single.day. Gah.

So what now? I just keep holding on until it's time to let go. Sigh.

In other news, I hung out with some of the office folks last Friday. We took one of our visitors to karaoke session at Island Songs (at Island Cove). And big surprise, she is the 1st asian I've met (who's not Filipino) who can sing really well. She chose Mariah Carey songs. And she was able to pull it off some. So the officemates were all like pressured. Hahaha. I belted out to Celine Dion's It's All Coming Back, hahaha. Effort ever, pero kinaya naman. Hahaha. Ayan, di talaga papatalo ang Filipino contingent :p

Island Cove has come a long way since I last visited (ages ago). I liked the little bar they opened facing the fishing area, with Makati skyline in the horizon. Chill. Karaoke is 100-150pesos per head and is consummable. Not bad. We spent 4 hours there, and no surprise, nobody really wanted to leave. hahaha.

Next stop was Baywalk. First time there since I'm not really tight on hanging out in overly crowded places. We hung out at Cafe Adriatico where it was more subdued. Acoustic sets and Latin music in between. The music once again reminded me of my party nights in Costa Rica. They even played a song that was very popular then. Hahaha. Reminiscing complete with soundtrack. I have a CD of that somewhere and will load that after Narda (now playing).

We smelled like barbeque afterwards, but I had so much fun. We even tried the street food (fish ball, balut - not for me, eeeeww!, etc.). Definitely not my normal Friday night but I enjoyed inspite of the hyperacidity attack that was instantly (well, half an hour of pain) relieved with a couple of Mylanta chewables. Yey, meds. Haha.

Ok, that's my post for the weekend. Someone's skyping me. Tata.

(Shoot, something just came up. Dammit. It's so crazy it's almost funny. But it's not. R and Aussie here in Manila on the same week. Why, oh why? Sabi ni Jay, choose your own adventure. How? Argh. I have a bad feeling in my stomach that might not go away until I sort this out. Seriously?!).

I like R. So much. But not in an I-like-you-I-think-I-want-to-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with-you way. I like R in the way that he reminds me of how it was to be young and in love and carefree. Of how youth gives us the license to be reckless, and never have to pay the price. Ok, so maybe, just a few tears. But that’s it. None of the scars that come from wounds that never really heals.

R is my eternal puppy love. Or at least symbolizes that. He is that part of my life where everything was made of pink and happy and cotton candy.

I can’t talk to him about grown-up stuff. No. I DON’T want to talk to him about grown up stuff. Because it might change the dynamics that we have. And I don’t want to risk it. I just want to milk this for all its worth. Until the real thing comes along.

The problem is, is there ever going to be a real thing?

I wish that something, someone, can give me an answer. Some kind of guarantee that I’ll have that too. But life does not work that way. Instead you just wait and hope and pray.

Have you ever tried taking a pause when you’re having a bad day? And you force yourself to think happy thoughts, until you find yourself smiling a small smile and ready to take on more, once again? R is the reason for that small smile during the pause. He’s the happy thought.

And happy thoughts never have bad endings. Unlike grown-up relationships.

Happy thoughts take us from one bad moment to the next. Until you no longer need a happy thought. Because what you need, no, WHO you need, is already there next to you.

Dear Shark,

People seem to think you're a someONE, instead of a someTHING. Just wanted to get that out of the way. Haha.

I must have done something right. The gods have been very good to me lately. Another chocolate wisdom said - Make your eyes twinkle. And they do, effortlessly, it seems.

Focal season. I say, 10 years and I already know its ups and downs. Everything is about choice. We hold our destiny in our hands. We can change it as soon as we do something about it. That simple.

Tax season. If I had to choose the top reason why I hate being a grown-up, this one wins, hands down. How was I supposed to know I needed to pay property taxes on a quarterly basis? What the hell is a tax declaration form? Gone are the days that I can just let my dad do everything for me. I didn't even buy this condo myself, gadamit. Who would have thought I finally needed to grow up, at 32? Gah.

New dorm. The first night was not as bad as I thought it would be. I have great housemates, and equally great neighbors, so what the hell was I fretting about? :) We had a fun impromptu drinking session last night. I was prepared to say, boys will be boys. But, I choose to say, we all have our mistakes. I just hope we live to constantly redeem ourselves.

R. Ok, so I didn't fold. I was bluffing. Harhar. I'm back in the game, and it's all in! He told me last night I'm special. And I say, what have you been drinking? Err. Let's just stick to the giddyness for the time being. Right now, I'm just happy that R didn't at all wince when I told him about my past. That is one of my greatest fears, that people will reject me because of my turbulent past. I know, I should give people more credit. And so far, no one has really rejected me. In fact, the people I opened up to have nothing but love to give me. So I don't know why I'm still so afraid, really. I just am. Still, I'm taking a step. This is a good start, right?

X

"Maybe Romeo and Juliet were fated to be together, but just for a while. And then their time passed. If they had known that beforehand, maybe it all would have been ok." - GA

"So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
and nothing else matters" - Nothing Else Matters, Metallica

Dear M,

It was really good to see you again. I know things are different now, but it's nice to remember that at one point in our lives, you meant a lot to me. Did I ever tell you that? I think I did. Or perhaps you already know, anyways, even if I didn't.

I ate a chocolate from the pack that you gave me. The message inside said "Learn something new from everyone you meet".

I was thinking earlier as I was driving back home after meeting up with you, how we meet people, get close to them, and then lose them somewhere along the way. It seems so pointless, isn't it? But then, just now, I realize, it's really not about keeping the friends that you meet along your journey, but about the legacy that they leave behind, long after they've left or gone into a direction opposite yours.

Your legacy is a friendship that blossomed out of nothing and transcended distance and other barriers, a friendship that was pure and expected nothing in return. You taught me so many things about opening up to people and being real. You made me laugh, you listened to me rant and cry. And the most important legacy? You introduced me to Metallica. Haha. Their music will always remind me of you.

I met you just at the right time, when I badly needed a soul brother, someone who understood what I was going through, without the judgement, pity or what-have-you. We were kindred souls, in the pursuit of happiness.. Over the years, we laughed at how our lives seem to run in parallel or that our lives mirror each other's.

I know we tried to hold on to that special bond for as long as we can. But life gets to you. And perhaps, the strong friendship had already served its purpose.

I was asking myself why I was crying profusely earlier. Maybe I just really miss you. Or miss what we used to have. Or maybe I finally understood that we are now in different places, and there is nothing left to do but move on with our separate lives.

While we are no longer as close as we used to be, I'm still happy that we have remained friends for as long as we have, considering we didn't have much to start with. That we were very good friends at one time in our lives, is something I can settle for, rather than to have never met you at all.

Until next time, M. May life be kinder to us both.

You're in my heart forever,
X

Dear Shark,

I just got home from D's party. Happy April Fool's Day. Though I don't know why we should be happy about being fools.

Anyway, tonight was the first time I ever played poker. And being a bad card player that I am, I lost. Heck, I hardly won we played Bluff in Boracay. The computer beats me in a game of solitaire. Though I know the basics, I don't know the rules and mechanics to popular dormitory games such as tong-its, pusoy dos, and our local version called chikacha. So even I suprised myself when I actually enjoyed playing (and when I lost, watching). Hahaha. Could this be another addiction in the making? I hope not. I have serious issues with gamblers. My ex was a compulsive gambler. One of our worst fights was during a time I didn't agree to go to a casino with him. He held that against me for weeks. The thing about compulsive gamblers is that they try to convince themselves and the people around them that their addiction is gone. But one trip back to the casino, and they're back to square one. A compulsive gambler never knows when to fold. So apart from a million other things, that was of my nightmares with ex.

So, dear shark, while I may have enjoyed poker, I don't want to make it a bad habit. I have enough bad habits as it is. I just want to keep those I can't live without. Like smoking and drinking. Heh.

Speaking of bad habits, R has become one. I realized that it's not even a week since we saw each other again, and it already seems that my day is not complete if I don't hear from him. He makes me smile a lot, and that's not bad. Unfortunately, it also leaves me wanting for more. More what, I don't know exactly.

Sometimes, I feel like flying back to Cebu just to see him again. Sometimes, I feel like running away with him. These are dangerous thoughts. None that I would act on. Nevertheless, thoughts that eat me up when I allow myself to think.

The walk back to my building from the parking lot was a long one. Somewhere along the way, I made my decision. FOLD. While the stakes are not yet that high. While I still have something I would rather have intact - my sanity.

As soon as I got in, I deleted all his SMS messages one by one. 100 out of 135 in my inbox. And then his number. It was too early to commit it to memory. And in the eventuality that he will call or text, I will just reject or delete constantly. Until he gets it.

Yeah, I may just be overthinking. Or maybe a little hazy from the couple of beers I drank tonight. But I've seen this happen before. And the ending was always ugly.

Another one of 'em fools,
X